My mum is lovely, a great nana, a great mum and is very helpful. I have just spoken to he on the phone to tell her DD is going into a creche for the first time ever today, and she has said is it cosher (sp?) and that they probably wouldn't feed DD or change her nappy. She made it sound like I am leaving DD with crack addicts.

Mum is always doing this, little comments like I don't know what I am doing with DD. You would think DD was her child. Like yesterday we were out window shopping and I saw a really nice yellow summer dress/outfit and said I liked it. She then said no I dont like it and I dont want it on DD. To which I replied well shes not your daughter shes mine and if I want to dress her in it then I will.

I mean FGS, DD is 5.5 mo and I've not hurt her so far. I find myself snapping at my mum when I am with her cos almost everything that comes out of her mouth is critical of me.

I am soooooo with her.

God, why do you love her to bits? She sounds awful, frankly. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but a "great mum" doesn't undermine her daughter by implying she's not capable of looking after her grandchild. She doesn't make little comments which upset her daughter. She doesn't arrogate to herself the right to veto what her granddaughter wears. That's not the behaviour of a good mother, let alone a great one.

Either she's having trouble coming to terms with the more hands-off role of being a grandmother, or there is a much deeper relationship issue here. For your sake, I hope it's the former. Don't blame you being livid, I would be.

Your dd will be fine and happy of course
I'm sure you checked it thoroughly before you decided to choose it for childcare

She does sound somewhat over involved in your decisions. It sounds like she is trying to look out for you but making you feel a bit like a child yourself. Smile and show her how capable and confident you are.

Practise gritting your teeth and saying thank you I have considered that and I have decided to do this.

Does your mum look after your dd for you or is she planning to? If so i'd say 'If you carry on like that she'll be in creche a lot mot=re coz i won't be leaving her with you'

Keep standing your ground and reminding her whos dd she is or you'll have a bigger fight on your hands the longer you leave it!

Sending sympathy. I love my mum to bits too, but I have chosen to see less of her since having my boys than I did before, to retain my sanity. She doesn't mean to interfere, but she loves to give advice - she always has, on any subject, whether it is on where to go on holiday, or on how to get a baby to sleep, or which bus gets to where the quickest. I've never found a tactful way to reply to her, because she doesn't want a discussion. She genuinely believes she is helping by passing on her life wisdom.

Yours may change, but if not there are other mumsnetters like you. Think through and be prepared to defend the big decisions in life, like where your dd sleeps, and how you choose to feed/discipline her. Then decide how many of the smaller decisions you can grit your teeth and/or compromise on. It is wonderful for a child to have a grandparent in their lives. It just needs some managing from you sometimes - just when you are at your busiest, I know!

Best of luck

LOL at "Is it kosher?"

Just as long as it isn't run by the Apprentice candidates.

My Mom is very similar (although not about clothes my DS's wear), I do just tell her to shut up in the end, I'm afraid . t's taken a while but now my Mom knows that my boys are my children and my responsibilty. I am grateful for her advice but whether I take it all is up to me.
You have to stand your ground and redefine the roles, it must be hard for Grandmothers who are used to being Mothers to suddenly take a step back.
Handle it well and Grandparents can be very useful!

LittleBella, she is a great mum, she doesn't mean to be so annoying, I know she doesn't, shes just used to voicing her opinions. I, on the other hand, tend to seeth quietly and inwardly until it gets to a point I can take no more.

Slur, I have been to the creche and it looks great all the kids there looked happy. TBH DD is only goins for a couple of hours while I go to a weaning class and then a home safety class straight after. It is run by the local council/sure start initiative.

Mum has just called me to see if I want her to come and look after DD while I go, and I've told her no. It will do DD good to be with others, not to mention doing ME good as well. She said to me that she she is an old fashioned mum and she wouldn't have put me or my bro in creche this young. I wonder if that had anything to do with us being clingy and upset whenever we were with anyone other than our parents?

Mum has offered to have DD when I go back to work, but I am seriously thinking about it now. I would love to put DD in creche when I go back but I dont know if I can afford it as I am only going back PT. I would have to have look in to it.

My dad says things like this as well - not about kids as I don't have any yet, but when I told him I'd got a new job he straightaway said "Make sure you give [employer] the proper notice", as if I was a teenager leaving my first job and not a thirtysomething woman. Or if I move house, he's quite prone to asking if it's all above board/has central heating/is actually a house and not a wendy house, that kind of thing. It does piss me off but I usually just roll my eyes and say "Yes" in a sarcastic manner, and he gets the message that he's being a bit rubbish. I think it's just a parental reflex to see us as kids despite all evidence to the contrary.

cyteen, that is just what my mum is like. But if I say nothing then she complains I am ignoring her, if I say yes sarcastically then I am sniping at her, if I do as she says I do it wrong according to her. I CANT BLOODY WIN. I'm gonna speak to dh with re to childcare when IK go back as I cant have mum thinking she can have more of a say cos she will be having her 3 days a week.

My mum means well and is overcautious about everything, Im much more chilled and do things differently than her, I've learnt to just not discuss things with her until after and to be confident in my way of doing things. I also think that when my mum spends time with my dd's that she does things her way and I should respect that (within reason!) She is a fab gran and does loads of things with them, which I really appreciate, but there is a fine line between interfering and criticising and giving informed advice IMO! Be confident and dont let your mum bully you x

Thats a good idea sarah to mention stuff after the fact and not discuss it with her.

cyteen - my dad is exactly the same and I'm a lot older than you I just let it wash over me now but I've founder it much harder when it's your parenting skills they're criticising IME.

My mum bites her tongue a lot of the time. I know that because when I tell her I'm changing the way I'm doing X because I've realised that it causes Y to happen, she always says 'oh yes, I've noticed that Y has been happening and have thought you should do X'. Which is annoying but not as annoying as being told it in the first place! I think some parents can't help feeling like their grandchildren are their next set of kids but they still subscribe to very outdated modes of child-rearing.

GGMM - if you can, try and find some other kind of childcare for at least some of the time. 3 days is half the week - it's a long time if you're trying to assert the fact that you're in charge of your DD, not your mum.

Spicemonster, that is what I am doing now, I am currently looking on the jobcentre website to see if I can get evening work in a supermarket or something. Then DH will be here for DD and I will still be here in the day so no need for childcare.

aha! my dm also has the knack of making me feel undermined in my decisions.

i know she only has dd's best interests at heart and i also know she adores dd as much as i do.

i have discovered that i am very relaxed about anything she says as long as i am confident in my own opinion on the subject.

if i have a niggly doubt then it's red rag to a bull!

for example, dd goes to CM 3 days per week. she is happy there but i have niggly doubts due to her getting a bit upset at drop off sometimes. also I know CM is a bit stricter than me which rationally I think is a good thing but emotionally it upsets me that dd is experiencing discipline other than mine.

not big stuff of course, just sharing and being kind/respectful of CM and other mindees etc. also dd is getting very articulate and will tell me something like "i wasn't allowed a biscuit because i was naughty" which upsets me. i then mention it to CM who clarifies that the biscuit was "delayed" until dd calmed down from a paddy or some such!

dd has a barefaced cheek and is capable of telling me "Granma said I could" when grandma is next to her and said no such thing!!!! dd is 2.5yrs and I really didn't think it was possible to be so brazen at this age LOL!

Anyways, to get to the point, I do worry a little about dd in childcare but think I am probably over-reacting. Last week DM did all drop offs as I was away on business. Now she is questioning if dd is really happy with CM. which just taps into my own issues and gets my back up!

arg! i just said "don't even go there with me on this, CM rang you after drop off every day to tell you dd was fine AND she's the happiest, smiley girl when you picked her up so there really is NO PROBLEM"

but of course, I'm also convincing myself LOL......

Gentle reminders and persuasions that it's your dc and your rules without getting DMs offside is an art IMO!

LOL paddlechick, little girls always know how to get what they want. I can see my DD being like that when she is older.

I am desperately trying to find some work closer to home with hours to suit, chance would be a fine thing.

I'm off now anyway to take DD to creche, I know she will be fine, my mum is probably worried sick!!!

lol spicemonster I can imagine it's much more annoying and harder to deal with when they criticise your parenting skillz. Thankfully though my dad doesn't have a leg to stand on in this respect as he was overseas for most of our childhood, so if he sticks his oar in I can just make him feel guilty by saying 'How would you know?' <evil>

You may well find things settle down a bit as your DD gets older - 5 months isn't long for you to be getting in to your new parent/grandparent roles. Just be firm but kind, and it's prob worth speaking out about this stuff rather than bottling it up. She will prob think you're making some mistakes (she has her own opinions after all) but she'll (hopefully) get more confident that you are doing thes best for your daughter.

Paddle and I have the same mother (though my mum insists that Paddle isn't my sister, I am unconvinced).

Your mum is in the very early stages of learning how to be a Nana, having spent most of her life being a mother, you are in the early stages of learning to be a mother when you've spent all of your life being a daughter. You will need to put your foot down kindly but firmly on a few occasions for the change in roles to sink in for both of you.

I lived with my mum for the first two months of having DS and in some ways it was fantastic to have her around but in other ways it really undermined my confidence in the early days. We have now reached a kind of equilibrium where we're both pretty content 80% of the time and mum looks after him one day in the week and sees quite a bit of him at weekends (so probably adds up to a couple of days). I would try to keep the childcare in the 1-2 days area if you can possibly affor dit until you're confident that she won;t undermine you.

Paddle, my mother never hesitates to criticise CM at the flimsiest of excuses. I have decided that she hates the idea of him being happy with someone else even more than I do! She hates me being complimentary about her. Have you tried a super-fast handover to minimse tears - worked a treat on DS, took about a week then he settled again.

oh and my mum often "mistakenly" calls herself "Mummy" As she is a bit dippy and often uses the wrong words, I do let her off but just occasionally it winds me up a treat....

Ooh that would annoy me kewcumber! Mine does refer to my DS as 'our' little boy but I let her off that. She does look after him one day a week and some evenings (like tonight when I'm going to a gig!!) so I let it slide.

She buys him stuff sometimes which isn't my taste but I don't hate completely. Except for once when she got him a really horrible top though which says 'I love my mummy' on it loads of times which makes me cringe every time I look at it. I don't let him wear it to nursery - I don't want anyone thinking I bought it

oh I let it go provided she corrects herself immediately. However I am MUCH tougher about her buying thigns for him that I don't like. I am brutal in saying if I don't like it and as a result she does have a pretty good idea of what I like now. I know that sounds a bit ungrateful and precious but if I didn't he would be entirely dressed in clothes that she liked and I didn't - you have to draw the line somewhere.

She also falls into the habit of thinking she has an equal say in things eg "don't give him any chocolate, Mum" "Just this bit" "NO CHOCOLATE!"

lol Kew, imagine your mum and ds and my mum and dd all together

to be fair to your mum tho, there does appear to be some parental confusion in the family regarding who is whose mummy. i seem to recall a cat incident recently......

i think it's a fair comment regarding redefining your roles in relation to having kids. my dm actually used to annoy me by giving me a running commentary of what dd ate when with her (she also does 1 day childcare per week). always stressing that she bakes with half the amount of sugar etc.

after a few comments like "what i can't see doesn't register" and "it's GPs job to spoil her a little bit" etc the dietry comments have thinned out a bit.

they've started keeping things that they buy for her at their place now as she goes for a few days every 5 weeks or so.

here's a classic wind up comment tho DM: "well DGD told me she cried at CM today" me: "hardly a big deal, there's probably a point in every day that dd cries for some reason or other" DM "Not when she's with me she doesn't!!!!"

Oh so the last time I called from the office that wasn't her wailing/demanding/tantrumming in the background then?

OMG Paddlechick - you've just reminded me that my mum is always telling me how my DS doesn't cry when she picks him up from nursery (he always does when I do). I always want to tell her that it's because he doesn't like her as much as he likes me but I worry I'll offend (actually more that she'll stop looking after him )

lol spice, it's a fine line isn't it! i always feel very indebted to my DM for the amount she does for dd.

they have a fabulous relationship tho so i often bite my tongue and let them get on with it.

OK GGMM, sorry if I offended you, having been the victim of toxic parenting myself I'm always acutely aware of it and perhaps see it where it doesn't exist - as others have said, it's much more likely that it's her adjusting to being a grandmother and still seeing you as the little girl who needs telling... you'll just have to disabuse her of that notion.

LittleBella, don't worry you have not offended me at all . Some of what you said totally rings true, but I honestly think that my mum doesn't realize how she comes across. I think it is more just how my mum is and I am more aware of it now I have DD.

I know she thinks she is helping when she says these things but I've had 5.5 months of this and today it just came to a head. When she asked if the creche was kosher, I mean FGS it's like I was giving DD to any old stranger on the street the way she went on.

We have spoken since and I have told her how it upset me and she just said that it is not the way she did things with me and my bro. I had to explain that that is all well and good for her but DD is MY DD and DH and I will make the decisions for her. Not her (my mum) or anyone else.
I also told her how much I appreciate how she is with DD and how she helps me (not that I ask, but she offers) and that its good for DD to have someone else in her life who loves her to bits. But basically back off.

DH and I are now looking into how we can do this with mum having DD once a week and the rest of the time in a creche/cm/nursery.

havent read the whole thread but so far i have nodded in agreement to most of it.

My parents are very over bearing loving, and forget that i am a grown women of 32 years. They were going to do child care for me - just one day every two weeks - but after discussion with DH we decided against it. It would give them to much input into my boys life - and they do all the things above

What you are going through is soooooooo common and understandable.

Your mum thinks you are still her little girl and that she needs to give you advice!

I remember my mum saying similar stuff about how often I fed mine, as it went against the "every 4 hrs" regime of the 50s, which she had used with me!

She obviously loves you both, but needs to learn to think before she speaks and count to 10!

Rather than snap at each other, could you find a time when you have a calm chat- and say that you appreciate her concern, but you want to do it your way- and will she please stop and think before she opens her mouth as she finds it very upsetting.

It never ends though...my mum still tut-tutted when she heard my daughter's boyfriend was going to visit her at uni-and asked where hs would "stay".

Just try to keep your sense of humour- but have a chat with er.

i get a daily quote from Scream Free Parenting and funnily enough this is today's:

Quote of the Day: "Never have children, only grandchildren."

— Gore Vidal (1925- )


Hal's Take: This is a funny quote that reflects a common sentiment—it takes being a grandparent to truly enjoy parenting. It’s not just that most grandparents don’t have to do the constant dirty work of raising babies or dealing with teenagers. It’s also that going through the parenting journey long enough to see their own kids having kids carries with it a profound maturing process. Most grandparents are able to provide a more objective, calmer view on the daily grind of doing family life. They have been through so many trials, seen their way through so much anxiety, that they can be an invaluable resource—not just for our kids, but for us parents as well. The trick to accessing that resource is use your current parenting journey as a way to connect with your parents as equal adults. Try not to come across as needy, running to Mom whenever you struggle. Instead, occasionally, and in a calm way, ask her or Dad about the toughest times they had as parents, or some of their favorite memories. You may be amazed at their responses, and blessed by their perspective.

Hal Runkel, LMFT, author of ScreamFree Parenting:
Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool.

Hi GoodGolly.
I struggled with mother issues in dd's first year as well. I was a bit of a rebel in my teens, so when i became a mum I was really shocked to discover that in fact deep inside I had always thought my mum was right about everything. so when I learnt that I wanted to do things differently as a mum to the way my mum thought they should be done, it knocked me for six because i had to fight those inbuilt beliefs iykwim.

My mum is also someone who is very much black & white - i'm right, others are wrong sort of thing. She would have reacted far, far worse than yours if i'd put dd in a creche at 5 mo! She said "She only needs her mummy!" when i asked her to take dd off my hands for a couple of hours when dd was about 6 mo. I was desperate for a break (single mum), and also thought it would be good for dd to get used to being with others a bit, especially important as there was no dad around to help that transition, but i wasn't able to,i didn't feel i could ask anyone else if my mum said no! (None of my friends had children so didn't feel i could ask them).

In fact with mum it's always been about dd's needs and mine were completely overlooked, i felt like i was being selfish/bad mum when i wanted to consider my own needs. she still tells me how i feel "But you'll miss dd!" when i started talking about returning to work (did i hell!), or recently when i was moaning about the school run on the way to/from work (30-45 min s walk with dawdling dd then an hour's journey to work) she siad "No, walking with dd is a delight, it's the journey to work that's the bother!" ha ha ha ha ha . yes journey to work is a hassle (3 stupid little train journeys with 10 min wait between them) but at least i get to walk at my own pace, listen to my music, or chat with fellow colleagues that i bump into on the way! not continually snap "Come on dd!" and panic about being late...

On the other hand, she has been a huge, massive support and i cannot say that enough. i am a single mum and not only has she been there for moral support and advice, she has also been of practical help, financially and babysitting wise (well, once she thought dd was ready to be left with others). Then when i did return to work, she took dd 1 day a week so i could afford my friend who is a nanny the other 2 days (who dd knew well). Very grateful for that actually, it was a nice transition for dd and tbh, i'd say don't burn your bridges - it has been so, so good for dd to have a close relationship with my mum.

Like others have said, the more confident i got in myself as a mother, the more comments from her - and my dad - could just go in one ear & out the other. These days I can just talk through things with her and receive advice without feeling like I'm doing anything wrong if i make my own decisions, we have a really good relationship. In the past I felt so angsty and unsure of myself and panicky if i wanted to do anything differently to her way. In fact, now, she admits that she thinks i have done a much better job than she did with us! <<smug>> but then, i did on the whole do what she thought was right - exclusively breastfed, stayed at home for first few years... i do worry about what it will be like for my sister, who plans on having a baby soon and will have to return to work after maternity leave, or if i have a 2nd and do it differently. my mum actually admitted not long ago that yes, she IS judgmental of mothers who return to work "early".

btw just a quick thing - mum having dd once a week as i said was really good for their relationship etc, but i would warn that you'll have to turn a blind eye when she does something the way you wouldn't, unless it's something that you feel really strongly against or that impacts on the rest of your time with dd in a huge way.

it drove me bonkers that my mum was frequently returning home with dd late, after i'd got in from work, with dd not even having had tea. (so, this is her bedtime by this time). with my nanny friend, dd was bathed & ready for bed when i got home.
mum always brought cream cakes, biscuits etc with her too. great for me but tantrum-inducing for dd!

But, my philosophy had to be, grandma does it her way, i do it my way. grin & bear it. she was after all doing me a huge favour. Besides, she picked up my hints in the end i think, and began giving dd tea first at her house if they were going to be late back!

GGMM...

Comments like that are actually quite abusive, they will eat away at your confidence...the biggest influence on your life, your mum, thinks you can't cope with a child. That is not good. She needs to stop this NOW or you stop her by giving consquences to her negative behaviour...or you could try...

'when you said about dress I felt really angry with you.'

'when you critise me it makes me feel that you don't think I'm a capable mother, it really knocks my confidence and makes me feel really angry and hurt towards you. I want the comments to stop, or I won't want to be around such negative behaviour'

You don't ahve to put up with this GGMM....

Out of interest what did she say when you said that she's not her daughter she's yours and if you want to put dress on her you will?

Thanks for all of your comments.

I've sat down a talked to mum about this, I told her that I really appreciate her help and advice, but that the way her 'advice' comes across makes me fell that she thinks I am a bad mother and that she thinks I am not a capable mum.
I told her it upsets me and hurts me. I've also said that DH and I are trying to find an alternative way re childcare for when I go back to work.

She was rather upset about it but understood. She said she realized as soon as she asked if the creche was kosher that she was wrong.

Lovedogsandcats, mum said 'well I wouldn't have put you in something like that when you were little'
To which I replied, 'well you are my mum and that would have been your choice, but I am DD's mum and it is my choice what I dress her in'

Hmmmm. Swee the reason I asked what that my mum, who I have not spoken to for a year and don't intend to again, was very controlling. however the difference is, she would not have accepted it like your mum appears to (being told to butt out I mean)

In fact I did tell her to stop trying to undermine me as I am their mum and what I say goes, not what she says. And she stormed off and has ignored me since.

The way I feel about it is complete liberation. I feel well rid of her negativity and control. But she had a nice side too and its a shame she couldn't have been like it all the time.

if your mum will be told, and she will say that she was wrong, all is not lost IMO.

I think Kewcumbers posts put it really well.

ldac, mum will be told, she may have to be told a few times for it to sink in, but I get there in the end. Before DD arrived I just nodded along with mums 'advice' and took the pieces that I thought were good advice and forgot the crap. But now I cant let it go when she says I should do XYZ instead of what I am actually doing. It's like she is not saying out loud that she thinks I am a bad mum but she is saying it on the sly.

I know she doesn't mean too, I know she doesn't realize how the 'advice' comes across she is not doing it to be malicious it is just how mum is. It is ME that has changed since having DD and I can no longer filter her crap. Do you know what I mean.

It sounds like you feel loads better without your mum in your life. Good for you to be able to stand up to her.

I totally see what you are getting at GGMM, and you will probably find that by fighting this battle now you avoid years of nagging resentment.

That is what I am hoping for justabout, my mum is ace, she helps me loads (even though I dont ask her) and I really do love her to pieces. But she can be so god damned infuriating. She has her way of doing things and in her mind its the right way. For her maybe but not so for me.

It is my own fault for letting her be like this before, it's only since I have had DD that I cant listen to her anymore.

Well, remember it is far better she gets really huffy and offended now, and you stand your ground, than in three or four years time you have a blazing row about it in front of your child who can udnerstand what is going on!

Thanks GGMM.
I wish it hadn't turned out that way, I wish I could have said my bit and for her to 'take it on the chin' like your mum. I mean I too like to voice my opinions and I am sure when my kids have their own kids, they will not always agree with me. But if they told me to shut up, they are doing it their way, well good for them. I would not cause issues!

Your right justabout, and also I don't want to fall out with my mum. She will come round, eventually. If she wasn't a saggitarius you would think she is a taurean with her stubborness

Exactly ldac, as mums we would have to let them get on with it and just make sure that we are there whenever they need us. So many things will change when our kids have kids, just like when our parents had us to us having kids. It's all so different.

It's a pity your mum took such offence, I hope that you and your mum are able to have some sort of a relationship later on. I bet your mum misses you, but you have to do what is right for your sanity and for your kids.

Aw thanks GGMD

your mum sounds a lot like mine, and we have a good if tempestuous relationship!! She used to really get to me, but over the years I have learnt to basically ignore the bad and only listen to the good. I am now confident enough to tell her to mind her own business, but its taken me till I was 41 with 3 kids!!!

When my first ds was born she expected to be in the delivery room with me, and was most put out when I didnt want her there, then when I came home and didnt want to her to come round immediately she threw another wobbler. At the time these things really upset me but I can look back and think she only wanted to help. My dh did get upset with her though when he heard her refer to herself as mummy when she was feeding the baby Luckily I wasnt there at the time only found out later when I asked why she had gone home!

Oh bugger, I've had the biggest row with my mum this morning and I am NOT feeling guilty.

Monday mornings me and mum take DD for swimming lessons. Mum goes in the pool with her while I have half an hour for a coffee and to read a book.

I get to mums this morning, DD is asleep. She wakes up not long after we arrive there and mum picks her up. She them turns round to me and says "What have you done to her, she's mardy"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean WTF, DD is 6mo tomorrow, how the f**k can she be mardy, she doesn't know how to be mardy. The poor little girl had only just woken up.

Well I let rip, Mum went off on one saying that I am always getting at her. I mean what does she expect from me when she is constantly criticizing me.

She said to me that it isn't a good idea her having DD when I go back to work and I agreed with her. I dont think she was expecting me to agree with her. I think she wanted me to back down and say that I needed her to have DD when I go back.

I've just walked all the way home as I had run out of bus fare, so now I am knackered.

I'm towing the line on being angry and crying and feeling depressed by it all.

Why cant my mum just be happy that I am doing a good job at being a mum to DD. Mum seems to want me to fail.

Oh and she also said to DD as we were about to leave, I dont know when I will see you next as I dont think your mum will let me now. I told her not to be so melodramatic.

She sounds majorly melodramatic. TBH I think your DD is better off not being looked after by this woman.