DP and I have been together 7 years and to say that he is not hugely into sex would be putting it mildly. It just doesnt seem to occur to him. We have 2 small children now (I basically just told him when he needed to perform and he did. Romantic, eh? )but things have got worse since I seem to go off sex too when Im pregnant or BFing. We have not had sex now for nearly a year. Nor do we share a bed, since he drives me mad snoring and he hates being woken by me feeding DC2. I know that when I stop BFing and I get a bit more sleep than I do just now that my sex drive will return, and then its back to me constantly pushing the issue and getting first frustrated then angry then upset etc etc. Mostly we get on fine, hes a good bloke, but he just seems to have no bloody sex drive. I've tried the underwear/naughty video/jump on him stuff, which works from time to time as a one off but I guess what I want is for him to snuggle up to me and tell me hes horny one day....which isnt going to happen. Anyone got something similar going on and found some solutions at all...?

I have the same with my dp - no advice just totally understand what you are going through x

Do you have more success when you're in control/on top/being dominant and telling him what to do? I'm wondering if he's a bit of a submissive and actively WANTS you to do all the initiating and seducing?

What was your sex life like when you first met? did you ever have the "at it like rabbits" stage?

JamesATGB - well sort of yes and no. We did have an active phase when we met, tho when I think about it I inititated nearly all of it. He just kind of went along. He claims to like me coming on to him, but on numerous occasions in the past when I've made my intentions clear hes actually ended up getting really stressed and on one memorable 'date' he actually was physically sick. Flattering, eh? He just seems to get his knickers in a twist, as if he feels he HAS to perform or something. God knows.

Annoyingly I know that from time to time he does entertain himself IYKWIM, and that does bug me. Self pleasuring is a lot less hard work I guess.

Why was he physically sick? Was that from stress, or was alcohol involved? Did you discuss it afterwards?

This is a really tough one to comment on as there sounds like there's many factors at play here. He sounds like he may have significant sexual hangups- have you ever spoken to him about his past relationships? Maybe he's had some bad experiences that have put him off sex?

Do you cuddle and kiss often, or have you grown apart to the point of being "housemates"? Do you think he thinks there's a problem, or would he be content to never have sex?

is it a dealbreaker for you? how would you feel if this was it? divorce or OK?

there is hope

im being a bit lazy here and am just recommending a book....i do so cos it helped me...really helped me realise i neednt feel so pessimistic!

its a nice gentle read...written brilliantly ...and includes lots of case studies (all of which were in some way relevant!)

hth x

omg...nearly didnt tell you what its called!

'mating in captivity'...google it

JamesATGB - sickness was emotional. His emotions always come out physically. Therefore making an advance 'date' with him doesnt work too well, because on the day he will develop a headache or some other ailment (admittedly not always, but often enough that I cant be bothered now. I just feel rejected). He doenst see the link himself, I have raised the subject and he says the ailments are coincidental. He swears he does want to have sex. I am a pretty blunt person and have told him what I see happening ie that he is doing his damndest to avoid sexual contact...he says not. He turns it round and says stuff like 'But I thought you were too tired at the mo' etc etc Hmph.

MTA - thats the thing, I dont know. I guess I was wondering if there are people out there who have managed this sort of thing successfully...?

Thanks BOT - will be sure to look that up, sounds interesting.

I suppose the best place to start unravelling this would be to sit and talk honestly about it with him at a time when you aren't in bed and things are calm, trying not to allow your frustration on the subject to show through.

I honestly don't know why he's acting that way, perhaps he does just genuinely have a very low sex drive, or maybe there are other reasons for him not wanting sex- anything from bad past experiences, changing feelings for you sexually since you having the children, erectile problems, feeling embarassed about his body, depression, and the effect antidepressants can have, even to worries about his sexuality- I really am guessing at reasons here, it might not be any of things- he might just prefer a good book!

You can't expect an overnight change but if he hears how sad and worried for the future it makes you, and that it makes you feel unattractive or rejected, he should at least feel moved to give you a bit of honesty too. You need to keep talking, and make sure you have plenty of non sexual physical contact (holding hands, cuddling, kissing goodbye, hello etc- even playfighting) so you get used to touching each other again, almost as a warm up to the main event.

But you may have to accept that he may never come onto you, maybe he just doesn't like initiating sex, fulls top. Can you live with that, as long as you are having sex?

If talking fails, and you don't get anything from that book, there's always relate, if he'd go? and while it doesn't help with every aspect of the situation, maybe a toy of some description might help you feel less frustrated so that you can talk to him calmly without sexual frustration escalating the talk into an argument?

hth, it's a tough one to advise on.

I think you should ask him to see his GP. I think there sounds like there is some underlying problem with him and JATGB has probably hit the nail on the head with one of them.

Sadly I have talked and tried much of what you suggest JATGB, without progress, and have also repeatedly asked him to talk to his GP about it loopylou. He never gets round to going. He doesnt so much refuse to talk about it as simply insist there is no problem, or that he'll make more effort but then doesnt. I do feel that he has complex issues that I really dont understand and that I dont think he is particularly aware of either. (We tried Relate, but locally there is a mega waiting list and they called back with our first appointment nearly a year later by which time I was pregnant and it didnt feel quite the right time any more!! )

Sorry if I sound a bit 'Nope, tried that!'...and thanks for talking it over with me, that in itself has really helped actually. If nothing else writing it down and reading responses makes me realise its not me being unattractive or something, its more complicated than that. I did have a revelation today actually when I realised that he was always fine about sex when we were TTC - Id say 'now' and he'd perform! So something there to be thinking about methinks! Maybe even something to work with? We shall see!