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Ok could be a longish one (I'm a namechanger btw). To cut a long story short, been dating OH for 2 years, and we've split up several times. We decided to go to Relate and had aour initial counselling session a few weeks ago. I live a long way away from my xp and the relate sesson was in his neck of the woods. We were offered an appt at 11.30 on a Weds which means I have to take a day off work to get there. He rejected this as he would have had problems getting the time off work. We've since been offered, and he accepted a9.30am appt on the basis I can travel to him on the night before, go to the appt and then straight to work (a journey of about 200 miles). Thursday we're going on holiday - or supposed to be so I proposed to him today that we postpone our Relate to next week instead of me hoofing it there tomorrow, back Weds and off on Thurs, partly as it's very busy at work, I'm in my probationary period and don't want to rock the boat too much (even though I could be leaving soon, I want a "clean sheet" as regards absences). He told me that they're hitlers if they won't give me time off for this. I don't think that they're obligated to but as a matter of courtesy, good staff relations, they probably will, if I put it to them properly and they don't suffer for my time off. In short, he's told me to tell them I'm going to have Weds morning off for the next however many weeks and then leave to live with him. I'm not prepared to tell my employer any such thing but I'm going to talk to them on a one-to-one basis about letting me have some time. I am prepared to put in the work with Relate. He's told me if we lose the appt next week, it will be my fault and he thought we'd do well at Relate as he was intrigued by some of the stuff coming out. I think I feel aggrieved since he's accused me of not trying when I'm the one who'll be taking considerable periods of time off work in a short period of time plus travllig 400 miles in two days to fit it in. He's a contractor so can get new jobs when he wants. I did say to this him then we descended into a row. I think I love him but even talking about Relate seems to lead to an argument now since he gets ideas into his head and any counter-idea seems to offend him. Should I ring him and say not to postpone Weds now or leave it? He's alrady taken the hump and doesn't rank my job as important as his even though if I weren't working, he'd be making comments about me sponging off other folk. I think sometimes he'd like me to get sacked.
I do feel frustrated that he doesn't like me to say what I feel even if he doesn't like it, he should repsect what i say. I also have a young daughter so it's not practicable to be tootling off every week to be told my faults by a Relate counsellor.
I am nervous about the prospect of Relate as well. I mean would it be better to let it go now or have I just got nerves at the thought of actually fixing our relationship? Maybe I prefer to live in an atmopshere of slight distrust/low-level arguing .
I suppose at the end of the day it depends on how much you want the relationship to work. I can only assume that your xp isn't happy to travel to you for Relate sessions??
Also, if things work out, will you two (three) be living together?
He's told me that i can't not go and if i don't go we're finished. he's also told me that i can't viist my family if we live together and he's going to raise things I told him in confidence about a past bf. I can't do this.
Is it realy the travelling that's the problem? Don't mean to be harsh, but it seems as though you're afraid of what the counsellor is going to say to you. Do you have problems with 'authority figures'?
The counselling was my idea but my xp seems to think it's a way to beat me into submission and then walk all over me (he's said previously that he wants to give me a chance to clear the air so we can get a flat near him, I give up my job and somehow live on fresh air/windy puddng as I am apparently not to work). I don't see as raising things I said to a previous bf has go any relevance to what is happening in my current/latest relationship, as he's going to phrase it to make me look unbalanced. He was pretty shocked when the counsellor suggested to him that him having destroyed his mobile phone in a rage after speaking to me, was an indication he had anger management problems. The whole issue blew up (sounds petty) as he took me away for a weekend, said I could sleep in til x time but when I was in the shower, he started fussing around and moving my stuff. I dashed out to pack my bags, piling stuff on the floor to start from scratch, he objected to the way in which i was doing it, and he warned me to not to continue but to sit there quietly. I was incensed by this, didn't see any harm in what I was doing and continued to pack. He therefore "dumped" me again as he said I ws throwing stuff around. After tons of tears from me, he agreed to counselling but I think he agreed to it so I'd feel appeased adn life could revolve around him again. I don't think I should live my life in fear of him/his reactions, since all his plans are based around his convenience, not mine (I don't count as I am apparently not only a Cockeny, a fecking stupid single mum, but also a gold digger and sponger who if she wants him to move South to her, must go out to work to keep him whilst he does FA) but if I say this in the meeting, he's going to either walk out or swallow it at the time and then have an outburst later on. I did love him but he has done this so many times. He won't stop acting like this (He lost his rag in a similar way with his parents a few years ago) and now I've persuaded him into counselling, he's going to blame me now I want to pull out, saying I'm putting everyone else out with my whims. When we first met, he decided to visit me one Sunday but it happened to be the only Sunday in about a whole year I was not available for a couple of hours. Cue a tantrum on that account since he thought I was mucking him about and he didn't want to see me on the Saturday when I was free (he stormed off and hooked up with another girl). I evenutally persuaded him that I was not messing around but had had a genuine diary clash and we met up. It was ok until he kept booking holidays which are now being thrown back in my face as having accepted since i am not allowed now to say if I don't want to go on holiday. He has made me feel like he's paying me when he says that sort of thing. I honestly thought counselling would work in that we'd get more balanced in equality (I am not equal since I earn half wahat he does and he feels able to mock me as I am a single mum... etc) but I'm not allowed to suggest a change to plans he's made and it all has to be what he wants. Yes I am afraid what the counsellor would say . I do love him and the thought of not seeing him again brings tears to my eyes but having abused me for not working etc and now for working, I won't give up my job on a whim adn he won't accept I can't demand that I get time off. It's all going to be waht he wants and if I say any alternatives, it'll be the same old stuff about not being able to afford a similar lifestyle down south, we're all Cockneys and he gets to say since he earns 40k a year.
He has also said that if I do not go on holiday with him tomorrow I am "dumped" again and if I do go and fly home, I am "dumped", he is going to find a girl and he will also lock me out of my hotel room (he booked separate rooms to avod what he calls the getting up issue). All our rows are referenced ie Scotland 1,2,3 and he throws these titles around. I am not allowed to mention things like him destroying his mobile phone sicnce that is "tit for tat" and therefore does not count.
I will add here that he is probably right, I would find another job where he is but it took me so long to get this one that I am loathe to leave it. I didn't actually apply for it since I was temping here, the perm girl was sacked and they offered it to me since I'd done so well since I'd started.
I guess what I am trying to say, badly is am I being unreasonable for wanting to duck what could be a long and painful process (as well as losing face at work over my sudden, regular absences over what could fail anyway ) or should I walk away, weep a few tears and move on??? Maybe I've never felt it was a LTR, my family do not approve either and the friends I've consulted have bluntly said "do not go back!" I know it's hard for people to judge from one side but....?? I'm torn between packing and going (but then having the pain of one last train trip) or hurting him *and me* and not going.
It all sounds so complicated! The Relate councellor shouldn't take sides, whatever people say. It is fantastic at times to have a 3rd person to go through things with. If you don't want to go with your partner, you can go alone. Going alone may help you find patterns in relationships and help you find ways of building healthy relationships with kinder people!
Well this may sound awful but I've cancelled the relate for tomorrow and I will look into getting myself some individual counselling for myself. I don't think counselling will save us or achieve what we might want. It's all very sad and I don't feel good about pulling out. But the alternative was doing my head in (I faced a 200-mile trip plus calling in sick to work then an 'enforced' holiday). I've been such a coward.
You've done a fantastic and brave thing - you were being bullied big time. You've just taken a step away from that and told yourself that it's unacceptable. Well done!
And now I'm wondering if I did the right thing . I'v barely eaten for a month as we've bickered and made up, bickered and made up, my clothes are starting to hang off me I've lost so much weight (he commented the other weekend about this whereas before he told me I was porking it on) and tears are never far away. But if I felt good about us, then I wouldn't feel so helpless, surely? My family are pretty overbearing at times but they're always constant. Maybe I'm just scared of ebing an adult. I'm so confused.
Sweetheart, he sounds utterly vile. Why on earth are you trying to save this relationship? Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and don't look back. You are worth so much more than this.
Yes I'm not too bad - just sad really that I've let things get to this state, which is when the tears flow. Underneath I do feel bit relieved if a bit scared. I'm not sure of what - probably being myself. I've just changed my mobile number and it's off now, blocked his email so he can't contact me.
Quote "No matter how confused, self doubting or ambivalent we are about what's happening in our interactions with other people, we can never entirely silence the inner voice that always tells us the truth. We may not like the sound of the truth and we often let it murmer just outside our consciousness, not stopping long enough to listen. But when we pay attention to it, it leads us towards wisdom, health and clarity. That voice is the guardian of our integrity"
Sweetheart, you have stopped long enough to listen to your inner voice. Go with your instincts and trust that you have done the right thing.
Everything must seem scary now but you did absolutely the right thing. All the warning signs were there that he was going to be an appalling bully and thank goodness you were brave enough to put an end to it. I think that your idea of seeking counselling for yourself is an excellent one. You need to take care of yourself now.
I have managed to eat something tonight (only crackers and a bit of cheese spread but it's food) since one of the first thing I do when upset is stop eating. I refuse to make myself ill over him! He's done enough damage to me.
I wonder how we (I) let people treat us like it? Are we too nice?
"I wonder how we (I) let people treat us like it? Are we too nice?"
Some men also hone in on vulnerable women and exploit their kindness. It could also be perhaps because we are repeating patterns that we saw in previous relationships. Some women have a need to "rescue" and to "save" such men from their own selves. By showing them love they think that this will help; however, such approaches are doomed to failure because these emotionally damaged men ultimately do not want to know.
On a wider level what was your parents's relationship like?. You don't have to answer that of course but its something you may want to think about. For example if their relationship was very chaotic and argumentative you've seen that and learnt it in your subconscious. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. It may be that you will need some counselling also to "unlearn" destructive patterns.
Getting back to the bare bones of your relationship this relationship was never healthy to start with. Splitting up and then getting back together over and over is not worth doing and is ultimately destructive. You are wise to end this mess for your sake as well as your daughter's. He would not have been a good role model for her either.
Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its all about controlling men and how and why they operate the way they do.
Thank you for all your very kind comments. I'm in work right now so I can't be long . I've cut all links with him - got a new mobile number, blocked emails etc and am working on being me for a change (I enrolled on an archery course last night!!). I really do feel as though I was being suppressed for a long time. It's very early days, I think I will get some counselling on my own account once I've read that book but in a way, I know I had to do it this way rather than tell him face to face as it were (I simply rang and cancelled the relate and simply didn't catch the train to his so he was effectively left in limbo... but he shouldnt have been too surpised. I mean telling me I was dumped for this that or the other, no debate or discussion allowed ). I was thinking today that if he'd cared about me, he'd have acted differently. So although I should have got out earlier it does show that it was never right.
Why would you bother trying to work out anything with this tosser, except when the very next bus leaves town. Now you've explained more, it all becomes so much clearer. Please please don't settle for this pig of a man.
Don't worry LW, I'm not going within a 10-mile radius of him from now! It's taken me a long time but I've finally had enough of him. I think I was looking for validation on Tuesday since I knew I shouldn't go... but I needed to hear someone else say it. I've started to rebuild my social life now and I'm feeling quite hopeful. I'm going to take a bit of a break from dating though to make sure I avoid toads - not even frogs! in future .
I was online this morning and he IMd me from a different isp address I'd blocked him and even changed my mobile number. He wrote saying he wants to be friends and he was wrecked when I didn't turn up on Tuesday. He reckoned that he was watching the trains all night . I find that a bit hard to believe. He said he loves me, wants to stay in touch as friends but we won't see each other. What is all that about? If he'd loved me, things wouldn't have turned out this way. I was feeling happier today since I've studiously taken it one day at a time, was thinking I was making some progress since I think it will take me about 2-3 months to work on being me before I really move on and now he's managed to find a crack to get to me. I am weak and would want to believe what he's telling me. I didn't answer the IM (shouldn't have read it) so that is one good thing .
Just a quick update: I am reading the book by Lundy Bancroft (a chapter or so a night which is all I can handle) and I am definitely not going to see him again. He has tried to wheedle me back, declaring his love for me in one sentence and criticising me in the next but when I responded, he turned nasty again - go figure. I'm not going to counselling at the moment but I am concentrating on rebuilding my social life - plus I've began to actually tell people what sh*t he put me through. I'm not mad as he said, I'm me and I deserve respect!! I've found out since that most of my friends disliked him.... I do feel as though a ton weight has come off my shoulders. Mn-ers are great for rallying around .
if they won't give me time off for this. I don't think that they're obligated to but as a matter of courtesy, good staff relations, they probably will, if I put it to them properly and they don't suffer for my time off. In short, he's told me to tell them I'm going to have Weds morning off for the next however many weeks and then leave to live with him. I'm not prepared to tell my employer any such thing but I'm going to talk to them on a one-to-one basis about letting me have some time. I am prepared to put in the work with Relate. He's told me if we lose the appt next week, it will be my fault and he thought we'd do well at Relate as he was intrigued by some of the stuff coming out. I think I feel aggrieved since he's accused me of not trying when I'm the one who'll be taking considerable periods of time off work in a short period of time plus travllig 400 miles in two days to fit it in. He's a contractor so can get new jobs when he wants. I did say to this him then we descended into a row. I think I love him but even talking about Relate seems to lead to an argument now since he gets ideas into his head and any counter-idea seems to offend him. Should I ring him and say not to postpone Weds now or leave it? He's alrady taken the hump and doesn't rank my job as important as his even though if I weren't working, he'd be making comments about me sponging off other folk. I think sometimes he'd like me to get sacked. 
. I do love him and the thought of not seeing him again brings tears to my eyes but having abused me for not working etc and now for working, I won't give up my job on a whim adn he won't accept I can't demand that I get time off. It's all going to be waht he wants and if I say any alternatives, it'll be the same old stuff about not being able to afford a similar lifestyle down south, we're all Cockneys and he gets to say since he earns 40k a year. 
. 
). I was thinking today that if he'd cared about me, he'd have acted differently. So although I should have got out earlier it does show that it was never right. 
