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I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in Aug) We have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter.
He has recently been on a business trip to China and returned last Monday. He was away for 9 days and I missed him more than I could find bearable. Me and the LO's were so excited to pick him up and he was soo pleased to see them but barely exchanged a hi with me, got home for him to tell me that things have changed, he didn't miss me and feels he needs to work things out in his head as to whether we have a future. He said he has been unhappy for such a long time. I really didn't know he was.
We have tried to talk and sort things out since then but nothing I say seems to make it better, I have told him that I would like to try again but he doesn't seem to want that. He asked me this morning to pack him a bag and he is going to stay at his brothers. I am devastated!
He is a great husband and father, he started his own company a few years back and does put a lot of work into it, the kids adore him and perhaps I haven't been as attentive as I could but cant understand why he says that he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and wants to leave me and our children broken.
I have been so weak and begged him to stay this morning, I feel so pathetic. Crying as I type this.
I really don't know what to do, cant eat or sleep while also trying to smile for the children.
It all sounds very odd on his part for this sudden change of behaviour towards you.
I immediately thought there must be another woman somewhere - on this 'business trip' maybe? Is there any chance of that do you reckon?
Don't feel weak or pathetic. You must be in shock.
I think if I was in your position I would do everything I could to hide this situation from the children and when you are alone firmly demand he explains himself..........has he met someone else, is he having a midlife crisis - whatever - you need to know and he must talk to you.
CowsGoMoo - ok first of all sort out in your head:
Is it him you really want or are you afraid of being on your own?
Do you work? If not, did he complain that you didn't or seem resentful?
Was your sex life routine, did he complain that he always had to initiate it and you were never in the mood?
Has he recently showed signs of having an affair?
Does he have or has recently had a birthday?
Because the reason he is leaving is because he's either fed up with you, has met someone else or is having a mid life crisis.
The fact you haven't realised that he's been unhappy for a long time isn't good. But he could just be burnt out from working too much and is misdirecting his unhappiness.
The first thing I would do is book a session at relate and ask him to attend with you.
Oh i really do feel for you - i too have been there (my h was having an affair and one day said he was going). I too begged him to stay and we would work it out - i felt i too had negected him in some ways. He did stay but i felt terrible and knew there was something wrong - i eventually found out about the affair and after him leaving then we are working things out.
It does sound a bit sudden - do you think there may be someone else?
What i found useful was to work on myself and try and be the best i could. Dont feel bad about begging him - you cant change that now and at least it shows how much you care and are hurt.
I would also say dont make him going any easier - let him pack his bag and dont give him any chance to put any of the blame on you. If there is someone else he will want to make it out to be your fault and he will only see your faults - which is why you need to show him just how wonderful you really are and what he will be leaving.
Try and keep busy and remember you will get through this time however hard you are finding it now.
demand that he explains to you. if he has been unhappy for a long time how come this is the first you've heard about it? he has a responsibility for making his marriage work, and he can't just bring about such upheaval and expect you just to accept it. You have every right to expect him to take the time to help you understand. I feel for you, but don't be taking this all as your fault
I tend to agree with cosima. You need to be angry too, cowsgomoo. Not just sad. He is driving a dirty great bulldozer through your and your DCs lives and he can't just do it and expect not to be challenged.
I'll bet you a dollar to a cent, that there is someone else in this equation!
Typical male justifying an affair behaviour - 'I've been unhappy for years' therefore I had an affair, which I'm not going to tell you about yet!
I think you need to sit down with him and say that if your marriage has ended then you will cope with that - but what you will not stand for is being lied to. Give him a chance to come clean about what else is going on.
Things will get better - you will get through this hideous time, one way or another.
Hecate - you are so right. I did pick up on that in the OP's thread but I concentrated on finding out why he left.
Screw that and screw him!!! You've been the good wife and now that insensitive jerk can take care of himself.
You're going to get your own life and not be his domestic servant any longer.
Change the locks on the doors and tell him he'll be there at 10am Wednesday morning with a removal van for his things. You've arranged for a charity van to come at 12pm and whatever he hasn't taken is going to them.
Tell him you're going to thrown the biggest divorce party that your part of the country has ever seen.
The only other advice I can offer is don't beg him to stay, or plead or cry or try to talk him out of it, that will only serve to push him further away and he will interpret it as smothering and be more eager to leave.
Also, don't try to understand why, or try to make things better for him, that's not your responsibility right now. Instead concentrate on keeping strong and looking after your own needs. Don't feel pathetic, you are not responsible for how he feels, if he hasn't been happy for ages that's for him to work out, but it's not your fault.
thisis not a battle a war it is a break up. and it rtakes time. He may have someone els, he may be having a crisis - whatever it is being a hard faced cow will not help.
Cows I could have written your post 2 years ago. Will post more details later (am at work) but if you can get a copy of the Relate book "Staying together: from crisis to greater commitment" this book kept me sane.
DH and I are together and happiest we've ever been stronger than ever. He was fed up with me and having (early...) MLC.
Isn't necessarily an affair.
If your relationship was once brilliant it can be again. This is not necessarily the end....
Pack him a bag...then set fire to it. He is out of order in so many ways. You poor thing, what a terrible situation. You deserve a full explaination from him. Demand one, and demand the kids get one as well, and make him explain to them in front of you. Cry in private and don't let him see how hurt you are. Concentrate on the children they are likely to be devastated too.
Don't let him somehow say it is all your fault...how can it be?
I just wonder if the op is being too nice about it all. Nice people get walked over and depressed. Pissed off chicks get drunk with their mates and a good divorce lawyer.
But if he's having an affair he deserves to panic a bit about what he's unleashed in a formerly civilised wife. And if he's having a mid life crisis well, he's certainly got something to worry about now (and at least he's not bored any longer).
Actually musicgirl I think you're being a bit harsh on the op's DH. He hasn't actually done anything wrong that we know of apart from feel unhappy in hios relationship and want to work things out in his head and have some time apart to sort himself out. That's not a crime surely?
Obviously the op is feeling really awful as a result and she deservs support and sympathy from us, but that doesn't make her DH a bad person, just a real person with a right to be happy just like all of us do.
CowsgoMoo, give your DH some space and time to sort himself out, and in that time concentrate on making yourself feel stronger and ablt to cope with whatever happens. Try not to cling on or pester him. Let him be the one to make contact and offer more explanations.
cowsgomoo maybe the trip gave him a sense of space and freedom that he hasnt felt for a long time and it has confused him as to what he wants. have you been stuck in a rut ? a break at his brothers may do you both good as emotions are running high and some perspective may return. it is probably just a difficult patch, all relationships have them remember you are not alone. nurture yourself and remember you need to love and respect yourself. have you let that go a little?
9 days in China and then back wanting to split up?? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. He could have been up to all sorts. Does he go often?
Miggsie how is he out of order in so many ways? The only thing he did out of order was ask her to pack his bag, but then after 14 years together this may be habit rather than anything else.
It's not necessarily suspitious that you didn't have any idea he's been unhappy for so long cows, after all, men are often very good at hiding their feelings, even from themselves.
Give him some space and don't blame yourself for any of this. You cannot control how he feels and you are not to blame for him being unhappy.
OMDB - I don't think he has the right to stress out and upset his wife by dumping his emotional baggage on to her and then run away. The grown up thing to do would have been to ask her to attend marriage counselling with him as he isn't happy with the relationship. But that's just my opinion.
if someone says they are not happy and haven't for a long time the implication is that the partner has failed to make them happy somehow. Actually his happiness is up to him and if unhappy should address it within the marriage surely. ??
To just be off, with no clear explanation and leaving wife and dc's is shitty behaviour.
Life crisis. ow, bad patch, whatever. She deserves much better than this.
Cowsgomoo - let it go for now. It's a horrible shock for you but like others have said it'll calm down for you and you will be able to consider how to go forward.
of course he's allowed to be unhappy and to do something about it. It's the lack of communication that is so 'out of order' imo. I'm not happy, I'm buggering off, deal with it (I'm not interested in how you feel)...and and btw pack my bags for me
He didn't dump his emotional bagage on her, he told her he was unhappy and needed some time to think things through on his own?! Obviously that's going to stress out the OP and make her unhappy, but he isn't responsible for her feelings any more than she is responsible for his!
If he isn't happy, he needs to tell his wife, regardless of whether or not thast will cause her unhappiness and stress in return.
Now he's said he needs some space and is going to his brothers to sort his head out. He hasn't just walked out without a backwards glance. Presumably he'll do some thinking and then be in a better postition to sit down and talk it through with his wife, or seek councelling together, but there is nothing wrong with wanting or needing some space to think things through alone first. Give him a break. If this was a man posting about how his wife was unhappy and needed time to think there would have been very different responses that's for sure.
IMO what the op's h has done wrong is that he has been unhappy for a while but rather than talk about it, he has already decided to move out to give HIM space to think. It is as though he has decided the relationship is over without giving his dw any chance to discuss this with him.
I am with alot of other posters on here - I feel there is more to it and, hopefully op will get more info from h.
Does sound like either another woman or mid-life crisis.
telling your spouse you've been unhappy for a long time is a shitty and childish thing to do. You deny them a voice in whatever the issues are as there is an unspoken accusation that they didn't even realise there was a problem and therefore are responsible for it.
Taking a unilateral decision that you need "space" and aren't "happy" when you are married with children is pathetic. That's not how committed adults with responsibilities deal with problems.
How is it pathetic? He has a right to want space and to tell his wife he is unhappy.
I told my ex I'd been unhappy for a long time and was leaving him. He had no idea and it was a total shock to him, but it was most definately not a shitty or childish thing to do ffs.
Poor you. I hope you have good friends around you.
For what it's worth, these are my thoughs. He's almost certainly having an affair. Don't pack his bag (lazy git) and wait it out. See a lawyer though. You've done the begging, now be practical. Good luck.
CowsgoMoo - really feel for you - strikes a chord as I was in similar position just 4weeks ago, my dh eventually admitted he was having an affair (but I had to press him to admit it- see my thread husband wants divorce.) Not saying this is necessarily the situation here, but you should consider it as a possibility, IMO no doubt you feel very confused and powerless. whatever the reason, it will all become clearer in time sending hug and support
Thank heavens for OverMyDeadBody!! What a brave attempt to keep things a little in perspective.
Why does everyone rush to sweeping judgments so quickly? Why the anger towards the OP's husband?
I just don't get it.
As it stands, all we know is he has come back from a trip, been brave enough to say he doesn't feel as he used to, and has said he is going to get some space to think things through. And you all pound in and say there's no doubt whatsoever that he has been having an affair!! He could well have but we do not know that and I really think this kind of leaping to conclusions is just going to wind the OP up in an already difficult time.
If the roles were reversed and the OP was posting here saying she had been away and realised she just didn't feel the same way about her DH and had decided to get some time away from him, the thread would be awash with messages of support.
At this stage, OP needs support for the shock she has suffered, not playground conjecture and gossip as to what may or may not lie behind this.
Until we know more, I just do not see the benefit in doing anything other than ensuring that the OP herself is physically and emotionally ok at this horrible time.
The OP does say he is a great husband and father. Give him a chance to explain himself and the OP and him a chance to communicate and find ways forward.
Jesus, the hypocrisy on MN can really be astounding.
There's been plenty of posts on here with a woman saying she was leaving her husband because she didn't want to be with him and as far as I can recall, most posters say why not see if you can try to work it out, think about Relate etc. whilst also wondering what the husband had done to deserve it.
In this case, with the roles reversed and even though she's said he's a great husband and great father, half the posters here are telling her to slam the door on him immediately and get herself a good divorce lawyer as he's probably having an affair. FFS.
Yes, he has behaved (to my mind) very badly in turning up and simply making the statement that he wants to go but to jump from there to this is not only unhelpful and hypocritical, it's actually damaging. We're talking about a real person here, with children who's fighting to hold her family together, understand what's happened to her relationship and whether there can be a way forward for them, and the advice she's being given is "he's probably having an affair, leave the b*stard". Jesus wept.
When he says "things have changed" - in what way? Have you pushed him on this?
Is he at a milestone birthday (30, 40, 50?)
Have you asked him if he is having an affair or an emotional thing with someone else?
Or what happened in China?
I certainly wouldn't pack his bag - I would try and get him to sit down and talk properly without begging. Say to him that you are his wife and the mother of his children and that you and they deserve more than him just walking out because he feels like it. If he can't offer you an explanation or something further then I would say there is something he is hiding from you quite possibly. Who knows though?
Although I'm ususally at the feorocity of the "leave him and set fire to his testicles while you're at it" responses, I can understand the sentiment behind them really.
They are messages of support for this poster. Her dh isn't posting here.
I see it as the equivalent of drunken girlfriends slurring "all men are bastards, he wasn't good enough for you" when you have a break up.
I hope you can talk it through soon and have some of your questions answered CowsGoMoo.
Hi CowsGoMoo hope you are OK tonight. I was in such a similar position. DH was unhappy for over a year it turns out but couldn't understand why he felt different just that he didn't feel the same way about me. Bottled it up for ages then finally came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. Moved out 2 weeks later. Said he was sure it was over but agreed to go to Relate to as he "owed it to the relationship" to understand how it had gone wrong.
Prior to that he had been staying out later, was secretive about his phone, I was anxious etc. but we had such a good, easy relationship for so many years we didn't really recognise it going wrong or what to do about it.....
....posting in stages cos internet connection rubbish.
Anyway, I was devastated, felt 100% betrayed by not only what he was saying but the way he dealt with it.
We went to Relate and slowly it came out. We had a life that was following a sort of pre-determined path. Long work hours, pressure to go out a lot, buying new stuff etc. I was very dependent on him and had stopped making so much of an effort. I didn't "let" him do a lot of things he wanted to eg go away with the boys, live abroad etc.
He couldn't say no to me on anything and didn't tackle any of this, so it built up until the feelings changed.
TBH both of us had done things wrong, but he was painted as the bad guy because he left (which at the time was bloody right!).....
Relate was a lifesaver for us and helped us redefine our relationship. We had been living our life in the same way without question for so long. We basically each took a blank piece of paper and different headings eg home, money, frineds, sex etc. and write down our feelings about it - what was important to us and what we wanted. Then discussed them in turn.
I learned so much about the man I'd been with since I was 16..... and we almost began our relationship again from scratch.
Important things for me at the time were to look after myself, surround myself with friends, and lead a full life where he wasn't the only thing in it. I also realised where I had been going wring as well as him.
Things got better gradually. He'd destroyed the trust I had in him and it took about 18 months for that to fully come back. Even now I can only be 99% sure we will stay together, but I think that's healthy.
A chance came up to move abroad, and we've been here for just over a year now. We're staying for the long term and we have changed how we live our lives (less stress) and how we communicate.
I can honestly say our marriage is better for what happened - it's stronger and I know how to deal with many more things now. Also not to take it for granted.
Leaving me was the worst thing he could have done because I trusted him to always look after me - but he wasn't bad or trying to hurt me, just confused and trapped and he did the only thing he knew how to get out of it. So I have forgiven but will never forget.
For me the basic question is - if deep down you know he is a good guy and you have had a wonderful relationship before, you can have that again.
I hope your situation is similar.......and hope my experience shows you he isn't necessarily a bastard and is not necessarily having an affair
Many thanks to everyone who has posted a reply to me here.
I'm just sorry I didn't look back at this earlier. I did pack his bag for him, for 4 days away and now having read what has been said here, feel even more of a loser.
He has not had a big milestone birthday (only 34!) and I do genuinely believe he is not having an affair, we have our company and the other role I have within it is to do the books (finances alongside the accountant) so can verify that when he says he is working he is and no odd money going out of account as I also do the home finances.
anyhow I did ask him why he suddenly feels this way and he said his trip to china was liberating, he was free to go in and out of an evening without restrictions of family, basically do what he pleases without me and the children around his neck. I think he wants to be single again for the social life etc, I just don't know.
I spoke of trying again, talking etc but he says that its his decision and no one can influence him.
He has gone now, said goodbye and goodnight to children, he has just told them that Daddy is working late tonight at work and he will see them again tom.
I didn't cry in front of him but I'm shaking and crying now (away from children)
He isn't a bad man but I just can't understand why he is breaking my heart.
Has this ever happened to anyone on here and their husbands have come back?
He is (was?) my best friend I don't know who to turn to for help, he was always my shoulder to cry on etc.
What do I do if he never comes back? I am sounding so weak and stupid but did feel strong when he went and I didn't cry.
what do I tell my children if he breaks up our family?
Cowsgomoo, still thinking about you sending you strength. I'm sure your heads in a whirl but I hope you are managing to hold firm. Let dh go and do whatever he needs to but I hope you can plan some nice things for yourself and for you and your dcs.
Evening people -Hey I thought the support on here this morning was pretty great, not hypocritical or drunk. Just trying to hold the fort really till you lot came back from your jobs. [slurrr]
Why do men think they can get away with being feckless like this?
So he decides he doesn't want to be burdened with his children any more - so off he goes into the night to play and have fun!
Why, why, why?
I'd be making absolutely sure that he takes his turn at caring for the children without you around!
Tell him you're going away on Friday evening for a couple of days - go to a friends house, or a hotel, whatever. Make sure he knows what his life as an absent father is going to be like.
reading newbie posts and feeling awash with emotions. dh told me nearly a month ago that he was leaving, been togethr 16 years, married 10. Basically says that he hasn't felt loved by me for years and now has lost his love for me. Won't go to Relate, determinded there is nothing left (but still sees me as his best friend and cares about me), and that he is moving out. Just in the process of taking a lease on somewhere. He accepts that he should have talked to me more about it, but feels that he couldn't. Now says that there is nothing left to work on. I am trying to get him to have councelling himself, if he won't go for us, but he is very reluctant. I feel that I have no option but to let him go - obviously I don't have any option in this - he is making the choice, it's not like I can command him to stay. I still love him, even though I would agre that we have been stuck in a rut and drifted apart. I would at this stage do anything to make it work, but can see that once he leaves it will change how I feel. I don't know if I am helping the OP, I do know that reading other stuff on here helps me.
Omg newbie, that sounds so much like me, I suppose our marriage has followed the route of marriage, children etc etc and we do nothing exciting, ceratinly nothing that is just me and him, I suppose most stuff we do does always involve the children. I am so dependent on him, I can do nothing practical in the house, Christ I couldn't even switch the PS3 on to watch a film while he was in China.
The only thing I can think of that might have frightened him a bit is that I was organising a trip to Paris for our 10th wedding anniversary. perhaps I frightened him that we have been together so long.
He wont however go to a councellor, he says that he just needs to think it through. I am glad you managed to work thing through, there is hope for me in your posts. Did you feel as broken as I do? I do feel that I wont ever mend. Really must get my LO's into bed, have left them downstairs watching tv while I pour my heart out.
Cows go moo - I had almost exactly the same experience as you a few years ago. I sympathise totally
I was devastated at the time. I begged and pleaded too. My said almost the same things as yours. People who tell you it gets better are right. It does eventually
Being in a stale marriage because one of you is unhappy isnt much fun. My h and I have a great friendship now, he sees the kids one day a week. Its not the same as being happily married, of course it isnt but its better than being unhappily married. Much better.
Do CAT me if you want to - I have been where you are now
I find what you say incredibly confusing. He sounds like the man with everything! Really. Why even dream of walking away?
Of course kids and longterm partners can make us feel very very weary, and sometimes you can recall being footloose and its compelling. You know I think it's a mid life crisis, sadly premature.
Oh chasing squirrels, you and me also sound so much alike, I am sorry that you are going through the same as me. My Dh also wont go to relate or similar.
our free time does seem to always be apart, doing our own activities and we are togetehr wo do always have the children with us, but I thought that family was important. I am sending my love to you chasing as I know exactly how you are feeling
I am see-sawing between thinking "well f you, go then, we (kids and I) will be alright" and being desperatly worried about him (either it's a mid-life-crisis and he needs help, or he has felt as unhappy as he says he has for year in which case he definitely needs help to come to terms with it) and just wanting to make everything ok (which I obviously can't on my own). We told my 5yo a couple of weeks ogo (as he had picked up on the atmosphere and when I asked him why he was sad he said "because Daddy is leaving us"). He is coping ok with it atm, but will obviously hit harder when H actually leaves.
So sorry to hear that you feel you won't mend, the pain must be unbearable now, but whatever the outcome, you will get through this and come out a stronger person on the other side.
It sounds like your DH hasn't made his mind up about what he wants yet, but has instead gone away to think and sort his head out.. He may well decide that, as much as the single life entices him now, that in the long run he wants to stay with you. But he may not, and I think this is what you need to prepare yourself for.
Try not to fill your thought with "what did I do wrong?2 and worry about how you caused this to happen. You are not responsible for how he feels and are not to blame in this.
Well done for being strong in front of him, and try not to worry about what you will tell the kids etc., deal with those hurdles as they come up and take each day one at a time.
Soapbox's suggestion of getitng some time to yourself while he looks after the kids is a good one too. He needs torealise that even if he leaves you, he's always going to have his children and that when he does see them he will have to be completely in charge and have a lot more responsibility that he does now as part of co-habiting parents.
Felt like the world was ending and I thought the good part of my life was over and that I would never be really happy again, just going through the motions.
Bent the ear of half the Samaritans phone operators in North London in fact (I have learned that in dire straits I am basically a talker...)
I think anyone (by this I mean men can have a crisis at any time and for so many reasons. This, unfortunately, is the one you now have to deal with.....
I can see you've also been with your H a long time and had children when he was quite young (clearly this is relative but young by my standards....) If. from here he is standing, his life is no fun, but routine, providing for a family and drifting apart from his wife then at some point he will question it.
I don't think that makes him a bad person. What sets him apart is how, ultimately he deals with it. And if he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you he'll find it so much harder to deal with even a bit objectively.
Because yes he has responsibility for a family. But also he has to have a good, exciting and fulfiling life for himself as a person, and also has the right to have a wonderful relationship (with you ;)
And, frankly, with a bit of thought there is no reason why he shouldn't have all three.
A way forward would be to talk by yourselves or with a counsellor about what your dreams are, what is fun, what you really want for you. (My H never really thought about this for some reason.) Then there must be a way you can make this happen together. You both have to be a bit selfish in a way to get what you need.
Right I'll stop here before I get too Oprah-ish and project my situation onto you too much. It's early days for this sort of stuff. You're probably in shock for now and the next few days. Please look after yourself and eat / sleep as well as you can. Keep posting x
its not that he doesn't have a good life, but it is basically that every pasttime he has he does without me. He attends karate 3 times a week at the same club our son attends. He regularly goes paintballing with the boys, he is not a drinker but goes out with his friends a few times a month, he now says he also wants to join a gym! I just feel that he is trying to recapture what he lost 9 years ago when our son was born.
Our ds was conceived on our honeymoon (he will be 9 in May) and dh says that he was never married to me.... just suddenly became a dad, but it did take 2 of us to make him and it was just as much a shock to me as it was to dh (i was on the pill)
Just stumbled over this thread. Cowsgomoo, you have my full sympathy, really feel sorry for you and hope the pain will ease with the support of friends and MNs.
You said he's happy to lead a single life without you or the kids hanging on to him. Well, it's not that easy, is it? He cannot just wash his hands of two of his flesh and blood and then walk away from his responsibilities. Even if he moves out he will have to have them stay over at his place and they will expect him to care for them and also for you. If he does the math he will end up gaining nothing and losing it all: the family support, the respect of you and the children and both your families, colleagues, social circle, etc.
I'd like to point out that it's good he seems to be staying with his brother. He's still close to his family and that's a sign that I don't think there's another person involved. He'd be shutting everyone out so they couldn't lecture him, if it was the case.
I think it's vital that you concentrate on your dcs, plan a fun WE and drop by some of your friends and relatives for support. No more begging, asking questions or laying the blame. Be strong, do not call him and don't moon around him. Get pampered if you can: a hair trim (nothing too drastic), mani+pedi, go swimming, etc, just look your best, put a bit of make up on and show him you're busy getting on with life. If he knows he cannot take you for granted and return home to you after his 'excursion', then maybe it'll click what he's about to throw away. Do not lose hope my dear, be strong and independent. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
oh CGM what he is doing is gutless - my God how can he abdicate responsibility like this. FFS we all feel like we don't want restraints in life after a bit of time out - but he obviously has no value for what a wonderful life he has with you and his children that he walked back into. He should count himself damn lucky that he can take time out, even for work, and he should be missing you and the DC!
I am probably not making much sense here - but I feel he is a cruel, emotionless man and I'm sorry it does sound like he has met someone else.
Oh shit I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any Family close?
I can't talk to my family, I feel such a failure that I cant keep my dh loving me, pathetic excuse I know but perhaps I am also hoping he will come back and then I wont have to tell them. ' He has told me that he doesn't want to ruin LO's lives and he wont/doesn't want to be parent where the children have a bedroom at mummy's house and a bedroom at daddy's house, is he telling me he doesn't want them?
he has said the house and everything in it was done for the family and if we do split I will stay there.
I don't know whether he is trying to be nice or not, Our niece is from broken marriage and it tears her apart going form home to home so I wonder whether he is trying to be nice and avoid heartbreak. (This is his brother daughter)
I still love him so much and feel like a right prat for not noticing all thiis so much earlier
"its not that he doesn't have a good life, but it is basically that every pasttime he has he does without me.". So it sounds to me as if you're already not that big a part of his life. .
It does sound a bit like he is going to walk away from everything.
Hi wannabe, he has gone to his brothers house (only 10min drive away) his brother came to us when his ex walked out on him. I know he is there as we are currently discussing our 'relationship' on his brothers msn account, great hey?!
CGM - It is very possible that it is an early mid-life crisis - they dont have to be 40. I can see some similarities with my h - even though he had an affair. He was 37 when he had a bit of a wobbly. Couldn't understand why he was working so hard "what is it all for anyway?". He believed I didn't love him anymore (which wasn't true), he thought I was unhappy with him. When he told me of the affair it was in a "well that's the end of us" sort of way. I was angry because he seemed to have reached this conclusion without speaking to me at all. They just dont like talking. They keep it all in and want you to be a mind reader which makes life very difficult. I truly hope that you sort this out - we are trying at the moment. Talking (whether to you or a counsellor) is really needed. Hope he sees that. x
Agree with Wannabe, he may have been unhappy for years, but hasn't gone till now. Both sexes might feel dissatisfaction, but generally don't actually break up until there's someone to end it for. Everyone under the sun will pretend there is nobody else, according to my solicitor, and even when there is somebody else, they have never slept with them.
You will get strong again and survive. I have to be honest and say he sounds totally like my soon to be ex (signed the divorce papers today). He went on a trip to the USA came back and instead of communicating, criticised everything I did. Then I got the I've been unhappy for ages, funny how he was always happy with life with me and the boys until this trip.
He is a 46 year old how still wants the single life without the "boredom" of marriage, parenthood. He hates normality and loves the chase. Hence he's had two women (maybe more) since he walked out on me and the boys.
If he doesn't come back, it's up to both of you to talk to the children. You will be able to do that. He should consider counselling at least to be able to talk through his emotions in front of you via a third party mediator.
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I would not wish this on even an enemy. It's an horrendous time. I went to hell and back over the last few years. However, with the emotional support of family and friends I've come out at the other end. I'm still emotional and feel let down by him, however, I'm realizing that life can move on.
He sent me an email saying he didn't like staying away last night. I am so pleased and feel a bit better this morning that he had a crap night, The boiler broke where he is staying so no heat or hot water this morning!
think i might be getting angry about him, dd woke this morning and was almost in tears when she came into our room asking where her daddy is? I told her he had gone to work early as he has lots to do, she accepted it, not sure my ds did though
How long do I really give him to sort his head out? feel like I am being kept waiting, he has been home from china for 8 days now,(came home monday last week) when will he know what he wants?
from a lot of the posts, it seems that men find it easy to come out with the I'm unhappy line lets end it and sod the kids.
woke this morning with a bit more of something (cant quite explain!) but have decided that I am going to join, gym or aerobics class or something to get fit, been meaning to do something about those few extra pounds I've been carrying since dd's birth, for well over a year, going to do something for me now and not be a dormat any longer, I hope this confidence lasts. I will make him sit up and see what he is missing! or is this part of my desperation to get him back?
Thank you all for your lovely and helpful comments, it is saddening to see how many others though have gone through the same heartache. x
I dont think doing something like getting fit is part of your desperation to get him back. I found it helped me in that I could control that part of my life (but couldn't control my relationship) so got some comfort from that. It also boosted my self confidence which was at an all time low. You really need to feel good about yourself FOR YOU, nothing to do with him.
nothing to add just sympathy. I wonder if all is not lost but dont want to give you false hope. I am sure all of us mums and dads miss the freedom we used to have and sometimes it is hard to see that it is replaced with something so much better (our families). I guess you have to give him space, which is hard for you, but that gives you space too, to work out what it is YOU want. take care xxx
I hate to build your hopes up (especially given some of the other stories on here) but it may turn out that he realises he has simply made an appalling mistake. Speaking as a guy, it's fair to say that blokes can be incredibly short sighted about things, especially on a visceral basis. It may well be that his 'fantasy' life of being single sounded wonderful for a few days overseas in which he could be young and feckless again but is less appealing in the cold light of day - going out, getting drunk, lounging around, playing video games, going clubbing etc. does sound a wonderful way to re-capture your youth. Unfortunately, and I can see it with mates who are 30+ and don't have families or partners, that doesn't really make up for the long lonely hours sat by yourself at home with no-one to share it with....
Just as an aside, by the way, he has behaved like a wanker, so if he does come crawling back, he deserves a good kick in the bollocks...
I think exercise is grat because it releases endorphins, so you actually do feel physically and psychologically better afterwards - and you're doing something for yourself. It will definitely affect your self-esteem positively, so GO FOR IT and good luck!!
This may sound incredibly odd but I remembered last night a friend who had a similar situation to you (though they had no kids, it was ages away). He went on a business trip to somewhere in the far east, slept with a prostitute with no protection and was too mortified to tell his partner so rather than do that he moved out so he could get himself checked out for STDs so he didn't ahve to pass them to her . Eventually it all came out and they are still together as far as I know.
It sounds amazing but men will very often go to extremes to avoid telling the truth (and women probably!)
I'm sure that is NOT the case for your dh but just thought I should mention it in case
Countess dracula, thanks for your post, Hoping for my sake that he did not sleep with anyone while away as in my desperation to keep him at home with us, I enticed him into sex last wednesday! no protection!
To be honest I am not enjoying the seperation he has enforced on us, but I am getting things straight in my head too, realise now that beging, crying, howling (yes i did do that) and co ercing him into sex wasnt and hasnt worked.
We are talking like grown ups for the first time today. He took an extended lunch break and came home to see the children this afternoon, played chess with ds and did drawing with dd.
We then saw him again when I dropped a timer to him at work and then at the dojo where my ds and husband both do karate, ds lesson was just finishing as husband started.
He and I have also both spoken on msn (i know its crap) this evening and at end we both said how much we had enjoyed talking today.
The upshot of this is that he is coming to dinner tomorrow! I feel like i am going on a date!
I dont know whether our marriage will survive or whether he wants it to, but felt so good to actually talk and learn what we both want. perhaps we can move forward,
CGM - hoping very, very much that this all works out for you all
Just please bear in mind that this is not just about getting him back - it is about a relationship that works for the whole family not just to suit your H!
Be wise - take things slowly - take time to think about what you want.
He threw the grenade into the room - you survived the first blast, now you need to decide what kind of relationship you are happy with!
Try not to get too elated, he could still kick it all out from under you. So try to be balanced. But I hope with all my heart that you can go forward. No family deserves this to happen to them. <<<>>>
CGM - sorry to hear your sad tale, although great to hear things are looking more positive. Just wanted to add that my dad walked out on my mum, completely out of the blue one new year's day. Said he'd had enough of the life they had together. I was 25 at the time and wasn't living at home, but i moved back in with mum because she was in pieces. After completely disappearing for 3 weeks, he came back, they did a lot of talking, went away for a weekend. Then followed a trip to the doctor's, where he was prescribed prozac.. and he suddenly turned back into the dad we all knew and loved. He'd been so tired and stressed through work that his state of mind had been badly affected, but it had happened so gradually that no one really noticed. They seemed much happier for this break so I'm keepign my fingers crossed that a little time apart is the only thing needed to sort things out x
I did a mid week roast with all trimmings (roast beef) got a lovely bottle of wine and scrummy desert, We sat down as a family for meal and all looked good, he got kids ready for bed and read dd a story while I cleared up. went upstairs and kissed the LO's night, snuggled them in and came downstairs to see him with his coat and shoes on ready to go, he thanked me for a lovely dinner and went, nothing else at all, no talk even though he had agreed to talk re marriage councelling.
Once again I feel so cheap, used, stupid and low. Once again he has reduced me to tears and I am trying to be strong. but I dont know what to do now. How can I make things better. starting to feel so depressed and to cap it all have almost ignored LO's today in my quest to make house look perfect, make pudding he likes and dinner so that he would sit up and realsie what he is missing.
What is the matter with me? why am I so bad? why doesn't he love me anymore?
I am sitting here so miserable, with no one, kids asleep in bed, is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?
Oh you poor thing. You must feel terrible. I don't really know how to make you feel any better. You must believe though that you are not the reason he doesn't love you any more. He has obviously decided he wants a different kind of life from the one he had, one that doesn't feature the mundane everyday life that is marriage & kids. I honestly think he may need some time to realise that the grass isn't always greener, which is hard for you, but you must try to keep your chin up for the children's sake. Do you have friends around that you can see tomorrow? Try to keep busy during the day - I was on my own for 4 years after splitting from my ex and actually came to enjoy my own company very much. Try to see the positive side of this (easy to say I know) and do what you said before, join a gymn whatever, to keep busy. Sending you lots of hugs xxx
and I thought the good part of my life was over and that I would never be really happy again, just going through the motions.
can have a crisis at any time and for so many reasons. This, unfortunately, is the one you now have to deal with.....
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