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I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.
DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.
However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.
Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.
Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly
We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;
He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.
He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'
When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.
The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.
He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die
I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.
We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.
I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.
On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.
He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.
I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.
Have you considered counselling? Your husband has said some hurtful things but ultimately he sounds very very sad and feels like he doesn't know what to do, so is pushing you away.
Maybe counselling will help you get to the root of the issue, and make a decision about what to do.
Oh poor you, no wonder your head is spinning. I must admit to feeling quite annoyed with your dh on your behalf, he sounds quite self absorbed, picking petals of a daisy, I love her, I love her not Its miserable that at every big stage of your relationship you have had to wait on his decision and now this.
I don't know whether he is depressed, maybe, but once again it sounds like you are sorting every thing out. Coping with the crisis.
What he said to you about it would have been better if you had died, is just unbelievable.
i don't think i can say anything helpful. i think i'd have binned him years ago when he said he didn't know if he loved you enough to get married. he sounds utterly self absorbed.
I don't know what to say? I am so shocked at what he said to you. That it would've been better if you had died. I honestly can't get my head around that one, so I don't even know how you would?? I'm so so sorry.
I think you're right about him being depressed. I think he needs to see his GP ASAP. Regardless of whether he's always felt like this. Feelings get horribly mixed up when you're depressed.
The notepads are a good idea, but I think he needs councelling.
What do you think he would do if you took the decision away from him. If you were to say, "okay, leave. Lets have a break and see how things go."
He can't have his cake and eat it, i.e. not being with you but not being a part time dad, and he might need a kick up the arse to make him realise his true feelings.
In fact, I'm sorry, but I want to come and give him a kick up the arse for saying to you what he did.
meemar, is right. Relate sounds like a good solution for both of you. You both said some very hurtful things to each other. He should never have said that he wishes you had died! That is horrendous.
Do you really feel that you have the right to deny him his child if this relationship doesn't work?
Relate can help you sort through all your issues. He sounds very depressed.
I'm sat here crying now as I really feel so sad about it all and because I'm angry that he makes me feel unloved and under pressure at an already really stressful time.
The thing is everyone commented on how much he loved me on our wedding day - he was the one who got emotional over the vows, did a lovely speach, cried with emotion at the DVD when we watched - which was less than a year ago and watching the DVD yesterday - just to torture myself lol I agree. He even said at the time he could do it every year and wishes he hadn't waited so long. So I know that he did love me. It's just he seems to be doubting it now and said thathe thinks maybe he only enjoyed the 'party' aspect of getting married rather than actually getting married.
He just over analysises every thing, he sounds quite immature to me. Perhaps parenthood has brought that home to him, and panicked him.
I have been with some one like this when I was younger, hot and cold, did he love me or not. I was so glad when I left him, the best decision. I know that it is more complicated in this case. I think going to some thing like relate would be a good idea.
We did try relate once before when he wanted to split up and in a way it helped because after that we got married but TBH neither of us really found the process helpful.
Not sure if he would try counselling again as he says that he feels how he feels and that's it.
I don't think that there is any chance of him going to our GP either. He only feels depressed about us and not anything else.
The wishing I'd died wasn't as harsh as it sounds - not to make excuses for him. He hates making decisions and I said well maybe if I'd died things would have been easier and he said yes they would. I brough t it up again later and he agreed that it was harsh but it was the way he felt that it would have taken the decision of what to do away from him. Although he says he didn't want me to die, just felt unfussed by the fact.
I think you need to kick him out and move on. You have no future with a guy who "wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'".
There are many more men in the world, a number of which are more worthy of your affection and efforts. (Probably doesn't feel like it to you now, though).
Overrun you are so right he does overanalyse things and usually comes to the conclusion that he doesn't love me enough.
YouKnowNothing - I really would love a full relationship and TBH felt we had this from deciding to get married until having the LO.
Not sure I can carry on like this for the rest of my life never knowing if he is going to change his mind again.
I agree with WonkyAngel that he probably wouldn't be happy without me and this has alwaysbeen the general consensus with family and friends. However we have never tried it and I suppose I'm scared to. Even more so at the moment with a small baby and being on Mat leave money is tight etc.
Poor you! He sounds very emotional generally, and very confused. It does sound a bit like depression - his feelings seem so muddled, I do think he needs to speak to someone about all this. As an already emotional person, it could be that the trauma of the prep birth and nearly losing both of you has given him some anxiety or depression and he's just not dealing with it or understanding it.
It's really not fair on you and you need support now more than ever.
Be clear that this isn't you, it isn't your fault. I hope he can be persuaded to see his gp.
I really don't think he will see anyone about this and we will have to work it though together. I'm usually strong but at the moment feel so vulnerable and need him to protect and love me not leave me
Although this is very raw at the moment you may, have to come to accept that the relationship is over as far as he is concerned and think in practical terms about what to do.
If he will not try counselling again, it's either because he genuinely doesn't think it will help, or he really has made up his mind and isn't willing to give it a last shot.
As another poster has said, you don't deserve to be living a life in limbo. If he doesn't love you the way you need him to you will be better off alone rather that living together with this heartache.
I'm afraid I agree with coteDAzur. Why don't you make the decision for him then?
You really do deserve better. You have had 10 years of this already, do you really want the rest of your life to be like this?
I know it's easier said than done, but I do think you should leave him. Whether it's permanent or not remains to be seen. Maybe then he will realise what he is putting you through and that he should really be happy with you.
And if he does change and you take him back, you can always remind him that you won't think twice about doing it if he regresses again.
Show him what it is like to have balls. He is dragging you down.
And btw, when I had pnd, I would've sworn that the only thing I was depressed about was my relationship with my husband. When in fact, it was just the only thing I could say I was vaguely unhappy about. You don't always know what you're depressed about, you just are. So to make it easier for ourselves, we find something. Often it's the relationship we're in.
I think he has been incredibly insensitive. However I think you have been incredibly cruel suggesting that if he breaks up with you then he can't see his child. It's unreasonable and NOT fair on your child nor your husband.
Sounds to me like he's depressed, and after this I imagine he will be even more so now.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him and if we do split up and he meets someone else who he does love more or even sleeps with someone else I really couldn't cope.
I'm going to go out for a walk to think things through.
Thanks for all your advice it's helping me to see things from different perspectives.
I don't want to live in limbo and feel that's what I am doing but I don't believe that he doesn't love me. I think he does but is depressed.
MyHeadisSpinning, you've been through a huge amount in the past year:-
Marriage, pregnancy, premature birth of your LO, and your h telling you he doesn't love you...
This is more than one big change, this is several all at once. You, rightly, want to be focused on your dc at the moment, and instead your h is laying all of his neuroses on you. All you want is support, and he is not giving it to you. He sounds like more of a burden than a life-partner at the moment.
Given all of the above, and the fact that you are still functioning as a loving mother, how on earth can you say that you are not strong?!
How is your relationship when he’s not behaving like this? Because actually, he sounds quite controlling to me. Not in the “you can’t have friends or go out” sense, but by saying he wishes you’d died and then going upstairs and sobbing so making the sympathy come back to him.
It sounds like this has always been on his terms. He didn’t think he loved you enough to do x, y, and z, and every time things have only happened with his blessing.
I would take some control back. You deserve better.
beaniesteve - I have apologised to him about saying he must give 100% or not see his daughter. I wouldn't do this. I don't want him to be deprived of his daughter nor her of her dad but I didn't have a child and go through the trauma of SCBU etc to have to hand her over and not see her at weekends. I really don't think I could do this and as I am exclusively BFing and intend to until she self weans this would make things difficult.
Your DH sounds exactly like me a few years ago. I had all the same doubts over my dh and whether to move in with him or not, buy a house or not, get married or not. I made myself physically ill agonising over it. Although this was the only area of my life that I felt like this about, I ended up going to the GP and was diagnosed with depression. ADs and lots of counselling helped me get on top of it.
In my darkest moments I sometimes thought that if DP (as he was at the time) died, it would be easier because then the decision would be taken away from me. Above all I felt that I didn't love him enough, that he loved me much more than I loved him, that I would never deserve him or live up to his love. I can hear myself in everything you've said about your DH.
I would suggest that he is severely depressed and that he needs help. I think he probably does love you and your child really but that he is too depressed to cope with the commitment, responsibility and resulting potential for vulnerability that comes with them. Obviously he needs to consider this and to be prepared to get help, and you need to decide whether or not you can cope with his depression as well as your new baby - not everyone can so there's no shame if you feel you can't cope with him.
But I want to give you the happy ending: the meds and the counselling (particularly Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) worked for me. I got to know my triggers and the negative thought patterns and how to combat them. My lovely man was totally supportive throughout my recovery (although I'd nearly driven him to despair and put him through so much pain) and we got married and now have a gorgeous 2 year old.
Please try to persuade your DH that he needs help - show him my post if need be - whatever the outcome for your relationship. After all, even a part-time dad, so long as he is well, is better for your child than no dad at all.
Dear MHIS, feeling for you in this crisis and so sorry that things got so hurtful yesterday. I am very impressed with the way you seem to be coping, just hang on in there.
He sounds very depressed. You have all been through a stressful time and it sounds as if he has found it even harder to cope than you have. I know things he said were very hurtful but this is a man who is very low who is talking. Can you get him to see a Dr?
Can I just say Beaniesteve, that I think you're being a bit harsh.
Yes, she did say that she doesn't want to share her child in an weekend-parent-style way, but I think you have to take into context that she has had this kind of behaviour from him for years.
She probably only meant to shock him (in the heat of the moment) into realising what he could loose. And she was probably just trying to get some control back as wannabe said.
I think the key to this is the inability to make decisions. I reckon he is one of those people who can't make decisions because they are never sure they have got the blindingly right answer. (I know someone like this who would NOT commit to someone for years, and only when she cleared off realised his loss). Anyway - in the real world there is rarely a big arrow pointing out the RIGHT answer about big decisions in life and he has to get a grip on this. All this "not being sure", as someone said earlier, is self-indulgent and controlling. What he needs is to decide to take it a day at a time and choose to make it work, rather than playing helpless and hoping that someone else will take these decisions for him or that circumstances will dictate what he has to do. He is paralysed by decision making and needs to break free and start doing it for himself. Easier said than done though, and I would definitely say it needs some sort of counselling.
Katisha - that's exactly it, that's exactly what my problem was: "can't make decisions because they are never sure they have got the blindingly right answer".
This sounds enormously hard for you, and I am sorry you have this additional strain on top of having a new baby.
Your DH does not sound like a bad person to me, after all he is desperately worried about feeling the way he does. However he sounds very emotionally immature. He seems to think that love is some airy-fairy feeling in his stomach when in fact love is very much an active verb which you choose to exercise.
He needs to understand that love is given in the form of a commitment - one that he has already made by marrying you - all that is left for him to do is to put some practical work into it by standing by his promises and giving your relationship a chance to develop without this horrendous pressure on both of you.
I am extremely happily married, but none of us, including me, know if our marriage will last till death. But you have to act as if it will or it won't stand a chance. You have to have faith in each other and do what you can to build the kind of relationship you want, not stand back and analyse it endlessly in case it isn't perfect. You seem to putting in the committed work but he is holding back all the time. So you are never free enough of all the stress involved to be the person he thinks he wants.
He needs to understand that the world is not perfect, marriages are not perfect, husbands and wives are not perfect, but if we are happy most of the time and both like and love the person we are with and do what we can to build one another then we are on the right path to a satisfying marriage.
It's a good point, some people do think that marriage and love should all be roses and passion all the time, and if it isn't then the love isn't real.
I still think your h sounds depressed. I thought I didn't love my dh when I got really down, was so sure that I did leave him. When I finally came out of it I realised that for all my certainty I did love my dh.
I was so sure. 100% that the love was gone.
Luckily after a lot of work dh and I are happier than ever. But it takes work and commitment by both of us.
Yes, good post Anorak and YKNOTC, that is exactly how I felt too, when I was depressed. I actually went to Relate with my dh, thinking that it will help us split up, when in fact it saved our marriage and I realised it was the depression talking.
I wonder why after 10 years with this man where at every step in your relationship he has been unwilling to move on to the next stage and has expressed doubts about his feelings for you, you STILL don't believe him when he says he doesn't love you?
You (and friends and family) seem to have decided for him that he's better off in this relationship and his own protestations have been drowned out and talked around.
To me he sounds weak, indecisive and trapped. He may be depressed. But most people would be depressed if they had spent 10 years in a relationship they wanted out of but never had the strength to end.
Maybe you could just hear him. Don't assume he's mental, or a commitment-phobe, or immature, or unable to cope. Listen to what he's saying: he doesn't think he loves you enough to be your husband and raise this child with you.
He may change his mind about that. You, and all your friends and family, may well be right that you are the best thing for him. But his feelings need to be acknowledged, even at this late stage.
I agree with the people saying you should leave him. I don't counsel this easily given your situation but I can't see how you can continue with things the way they are. By taking him seriously you are forcing him to make a decision, either you or not you. But not both. That's a decision he should have made a long time ago, but somehow momentum and other people's opinions have allowed him not to.
Thanks for all your comments - not been able to get on for a few days!
DH seems to be making an effort (ie made me tea last night without me asking and couldn'ty seem to do enough for me) but I feel as though I'm walking on egg shells and I'm reading far too much into anything he says - good and bad. For example he was stroking my back last night whilst we watched TV and being touchy feely - not cos he wanted sex either just being nice and this morning he gave me a kiss and said 'love you' before leaving for work. I try not to get my hopes up too much cos on the other hand I rang him at work to tell him how much LO weighs today and he was pretty quiet and didn't say too much but could have been busy, and/or difficult to talk. Arrgghhh feel like I'm going round the bend but feel better than I did last time I posted.
I want to talk about things but realise that he needs time at the moment and going over and over the issue won't solve anything. I've decided to wait til weekend before attempting to discuss anything. I suggest writing things down - I did and found it useful. He didnt say no but wasn't overjoyed at the thought....He hasn't written anything yet.
Not really needing any responses (But any gratefully received) to this just wanted to write things down for myself and to update those of you kind enough to reply originally!
"For example he was stroking my back last night whilst we watched TV and being touchy feely - not cos he wanted sex either just being nice and this morning he gave me a kiss and said 'love you' before leaving for work. I try not to get my hopes up too much cos on the other hand I rang him at work to tell him how much LO weighs today and he was pretty quiet and didn't say too much but could have been busy, and/or difficult to talk. "
These kinds of insecurities and wondering are not things you should be feeling after 10 years and with a a brand new baby. They're pretty normal at the start as you're figuring out whether your relationship is strong enough to last and what you both feel for each other.
It must be terribly confusing to have him act in such a loving manner and then hit you with emotional bombs about how he doesn't love you and never has (or however he puts it).
He sounds completely depressed. I used to talk like that to my boyfriend when I was about 18. I was depressed, the problem was totally mine, in my head, and I did adore him but I was not ready to commit, and that is what comes across very strongly from what you say he says and does.
He would do well to get some counselling. Really, really good idea.
I don't think he doesn't love you, I just think he is unable to feel love, because of things that went on perhaps in his childhood.
He knows you are good and wonderful but cannot access his feelings and is inappripriately telling you his every worry about this,.
It's like his feelings and what he knows is the truth, are in different rooms. He needs some help, you sound lovely and very patient - my boyfriend eventually had to be the strong one and break us up, because I was just a mess and couldn't be in a relationship.
It's a very sad situation but don't despair - once he ahs someone else to dump all his anxiety on, he will be a changed man to you. You are not his counsellor and he needs an outsider to offload with.
Fwiw he probably really does want to be with you, but feels he is not right/good enough for you - something is blocking his real feelings, he is afraid of perhaps having anger against you, or negative aspects to what he feels, I would be willing to bet he doesn't know what he wants or is feeling at all.
That is someone who is not having a relationship with you, so he needs to find out who he is first and then maybe he can engage with you a bit better.
If you're prepared to hang about he might well stick with it.
Also, you need to remember, that just becasue he says he doesn't love you enough to stay with you doesn't mean he has no love for you at all or that he hates you. You've spent 10 yrs together, of course he has feelings for you and is touchy feely, it would be more worrying if he didn't.
As hard as it is though, I think you need to respect what he's saying, regardless of the possible reasons for him being this way, it is how he feels.
FWIW though, it sounds like he doesn't really know what love is, and thinks it is some feeling. Love is actually an action. As cheesy as it sounds, I think there is some truth to the phrase "If you love him, let him go, if he's yours he'll come back to you". I think that's what you need to do now.
I'm grateful for all your responses but finding it difficult to fully explain the situation and for you all to understand that DH really did love me on our wedding day and prior to that and whilst I was pregnant. Which is why I think that his current state of mind is to do with our baby being prem and the pressure he has felt from this.
I had a chat with a RL friend yesterday who knows my DH and she agreed with me. She thinks that he is depressed and thinks that although he may leave me to make his final decision I shouldn't ask him to leave.
I'm really trying to make things work but I'm not sure now what to do to make it work.
It's our first anniversary soon and I want him to have the day off work however cos it's mid week he has suggested just taking the Monday off and having a long weekend instead. However I really want to celebrate on the actual day with him (just going for a pub lunch or soemthing) and feel that he might end up spending the day at work rather than with me. However I am aware that in the current situation he may struggle to be with me on our anniversary it's just I don't want things to work out and then look back and have not celebrated our first anniversary or worse not get to our second anniversary and have never celebrated ever
I just feel that if he really wants to make an effort he would take my feelings into account and have the day off - what do you think?
I'm grateful for all your responses but finding it difficult to fully explain the situation and for you all to understand that DH really did love me on our wedding day and prior to that and whilst I was pregnant. Which is why I think that his current state of mind is to do with our baby being prem and the pressure he has felt from this.
I had a chat with a RL friend yesterday who knows my DH and she agreed with me. She thinks that he is depressed and thinks that although he may leave me to make his final decision I shouldn't ask him to leave.
I'm really trying to make things work but I'm not sure now what to do to make it work.
It's our first anniversary soon and I want him to have the day off work however cos it's mid week he has suggested just taking the Monday off and having a long weekend instead. However I really want to celebrate on the actual day with him (just going for a pub lunch or soemthing) and feel that he might end up spending the day at work rather than with me. However I am aware that in the current situation he may struggle to be with me on our anniversary it's just I don't want things to work out and then look back and have not celebrated our first anniversary or worse not get to our second anniversary and have never celebrated ever
I just feel that if he really wants to make an effort he would take my feelings into account and have the day off - what do you think?
I'm grateful for all your responses but finding it difficult to fully explain the situation and for you all to understand that DH really did love me on our wedding day and prior to that and whilst I was pregnant. Which is why I think that his current state of mind is to do with our baby being prem and the pressure he has felt from this.
I had a chat with a RL friend yesterday who knows my DH and she agreed with me. She thinks that he is depressed and thinks that although he may leave me to make his final decision I shouldn't ask him to leave.
I'm really trying to make things work but I'm not sure now what to do to make it work.
It's our first anniversary soon and I want him to have the day off work however cos it's mid week he has suggested just taking the Monday off and having a long weekend instead. However I really want to celebrate on the actual day with him (just going for a pub lunch or soemthing) and feel that he might end up spending the day at work rather than with me. However I am aware that in the current situation he may struggle to be with me on our anniversary it's just I don't want things to work out and then look back and have not celebrated our first anniversary or worse not get to our second anniversary and have never celebrated ever
I just feel that if he really wants to make an effort he would take my feelings into account and have the day off - what do you think?
Still feeling really about everything. Had a chat with DH at weekend and he has said that he is still unsure what he wants.
I'm starting to get angry with the whole situation as he is ruining such a special time (new baby) in our lives with his indecision. I know he can't help how he feels but neither can I and I'm bloody annoyed with him.
He has said that he would prefer to work things out with me as this would be loads better than any alternative which gives me hope but during the same conversation he admitted that he didn't fancy me as much anymore. This was horrible to hear and made me really upset.
He said that there are loads of people he sees in everyday life whom he thinks are nice looking and wonders if he would be happier with them. I have tried to explain to him that this is all hypothetical and even if he would be happier with one of these random people they would have to be happy to be with im to make it work etc. Think that this is a really childish take on the situation as of course we all 'look but don't touch' but he seems to be really building this up into something more serious, ie if I wasn't with my wife I could have a chance with her and life would be hunky dory - He is basing this purely on looks!
To make matters worse there is someone at work that I think he likes and I think that the feeling is mutual. He says that she is 'okay and he fancies her but then again he fancies loads of people (see above)' I'm not sure if he is playing his feelings for her down tho.
I'm really confused and think that one possible reason for this situation is that he is thinking that the grass will be greener with this person at work or one of the random people he thinks may be a 'better match' for him. We have only ever slept with each other and been together since we were teenagers so neither of us really have any other relationship to compare ours with and whilst I am happy with that I think my DH sometimes wonders what it would have been like if...which I know is normal but is worrying when he takes it to this degree and it is affecting our relationship. I'm just so scared that he will leave me to take this chance. I couldn't bear it if he 'went' with someone else, particularly someone at work. I couldn't forgive him.
He stil hasn't booked our anniversary off work and I hate and feel that he may spend our first anniversary with 'her' than with me
Think he is just hoping that we can work it out ourselves although some days he seems to want to others he just seems unbothered and I feel as if it is just me making the effort.
Cos I am feeling angry I've started to be sarcastic with him about things that are pissing me off and I can feel an argument brewing. However I don't want to have an arguement and it blow everythign out of proportion and it be the end
We went to relate once and both said how we felt and the consellor just said well I don't think that you have got any chance of this relationship working, you might carry on for a bit longer but no chance long term.
Made both myself and DH angry as we thought they would be more impartial and help us work through things (whatever the outcome) but she was very opinionated and matter of fact. We wanted to sort things out so we did, on our own. The only thing is that this time not sure how much DH wants to sort things out because although he says one thing he is often acting the opposite
He needs to work on himself to deal with this chronic indecision and constant thinking that the grass is greener. I wish he would go for some sort of counselling as people have mentioned above. I doubt he can change by himself.
Oh dear, what a sad situation. Reading your last post I feel really on your behalf that he's telling you he doesn't fancy you as much and wondering if he would be happier with random people he sees, like other posters have said he does sound very immature, looking for a perfect fantasy relationship rather than a real one? I think unless things change drastically with him you will alwasy be wondering when he's going to leave.
If it does come to your separating contact and access are what you both make of them. there no rule saying you have to have the baby in the week and him at weekends. He still could be very involved in the babies life and take her for shorter periods more often or visit her at your house so as to maintain breastfeeding. I've read research saying that small babies would benift from short frequent contact rather than being devided between homes, say dad popping in every other day on the way home from work and spending time with the baby. I appreciate its difficult for the adults to see so much of each other though if they are still arguing/sad for the end of the relationship,probably why this sort of contact pattern isn't the most common one.
Thing is tho if I push him to work on his indecision he just thinks that this means as he has doubts about being with me he will have to leave and that will be him making a decsion. Obviously I don't want to force this kindof decision!
He can't be rushed with anything (annoying as that is) and if I ever try to rush him - with anything - it usually ends up not in my favour.
I sound as though I'm trying to engineer the situation to my benefit Doubting myself at the moment.
Feel so bad. If he doesn't fancy me there must be a reason and something wrong with me so no one else will find me attractive (not that I want anyone else) Is it so bad to just want to be desired and loved?
I'm tempted to say that you should ask him to move out while he makes up his mind what he wants, so that you can start getting on with your life. That way he'll come back because he wants to, and you arent held in limbo for as long as it takes him to sort his head out.
However, I appreciate that you mightnt want to throw the towel in just yet. But, whilst this is going you are 'stuck', not knowing what's coming next. It'd be good if you could take control of the situation somewhat.
He does sound depressed. Mind you, he also sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.
Have you thought about a trial separation? Maybe being apart from you and the baby might make him realise that he does want to be with you both, and that his fantasy hearts-and-roses-and-fluffy-kittens marriage isn't really grounded in reality.
It would be hard but at least you would both know where you stand. Backing off a bit might give you both some space to clear your heads.
Agree with everyone else. He sounds selfish and immature. It is not fair of him to dump all his problems on you and for him to be so unsupportive at a time when you need to feel secure. It is very hurtful what he said about it would have been better if you had died and that he fancies other people, not you. Unacceptable.
I do think he is depressed though. Long-term depression which is integral to his personality. He does only want to make 'perfect' decisions. He is thinking in black and white. He should see a GP about it and get help to recognise how he is sabotaging things for himself. I think he has such low self esteem and such an identity problem that he is transferring it onto you and blaming you for everything when in fact you and your child are probably the best things that ever happened to him.
I've been out with someone like this and I'm sorry to say that I have been a bit like this myself in the past until I realised what was happening and changed my ways. Nobody is perfect, no situation is perfect. Yes, there needs to be some initial attraction, some compatibility but love is what you make of it. It is the effort you put in, the caring.
I think it is significant that this is the only relationship that either of you have ever been in. Does he feel like he has missed out on playing the field, gaining experience of different women? He may feel trapped. This is not your fault or responsibility but it is important and it sounds like he is trying to blame you. He is treating you like you are his mother and rebelling against you.
Overall, it sounds to me as if he wants out but he is too scared to take the responsibility for the decision. He is pushing you away and being nasty in the hope that you will get angry and make the decision for him. And then he can blame it on you. I think he is depressed and that he wouldn't be any happier without you - he just thinks he might.
I am a single parent, not through choice. It is scary and difficult to come to terms with but in the end it is better than living with a relationship that doesn't work. I can understand that you want to try to make it work, and it might, eventually, if he comes to his senses, but, for now, I think it would be best to stop clinging, let it go.
I would tell him calmly and kindly that it is not acceptable to say such hurtful things to you and that, if he wants things to continue, this can only happen if he is more positive about the relationship and puts more effort in, drops the negativity. If he feels unable to do this, then he must decide whether he wants to stay or go, but make it clear that it is his decision, his responsibility, his doing. Put the onus on him rather than you trying to persuade him to love you more. (He will probably pull himself together for a bit and then it will start again. Let him know that this won't wash either. He is responsible for his own behaviour.)
I know you want to do your best to make your marriage work. After all, you have been with him for a long time and he is a big part of your identity. I know you are frightened to lose him and be on your own, and it may happen. I know that it feels like a huge failure because I have been through it. You have only been married a short time. I know that you are very concerned for your child and the future. But I honestly think it would be better for you and your child to let this go than tolerating his indecision, hurtful statements and indifference.
If he is meant to be with you, he will sort himself out and come back. If not, hopefully he will at least be a good father and you will find someone else who is more worthy of you and makes you happy.
pelafina - baby is 4 months old and came home about a month ago. Have you been through something similar?
I'm really at the end of my tether with the whole situation and feel that when we talk we are generally getting no-where. Usually because I get upset and/or he clams up or doesn't want to tell me the truth cos it upsets me.
I'm going to write down some questions I want him to answer and ask him to reply to me in writing - in the hope that this willhelp him organise his thoughts and we can maybe start to move on and sort out our relationship one way or another.
there is a difference between being depressed and being cruel and manipulative...my husband has suffered with depression on and off for our entire relationship and it can impact on feelings of attraction/loss of libido BUT that goes for everyone- ie depression doesn't cause you to fancy your partner less and your work colleges more- to feel that is one thing, to tell you soon after having a baby, esp under traumatic circumstances is pretty fucking awful...don't know if I could get past that myself. You can't change him so you need to accept that his feelings for you might not be strong enough to get through this. Whether he loved you on your wedding day is irrelevant- it's what he's doing and saying today that matters...don't defend him. Getting upset and angry in this situation is normal and if he can't handle that he should piss off or get help so he can be the man that you and your child deserve...good luck.
Trouble is, I think he has told you what he wants. It's just not, understandably, what you want to hear.
Skidoodle and SkyatNight, make really good points about what could be going on - worth reading again.
He may well be depressed, and that could be why he is like this, but he may just want out of the relationship, as horrible as that sounds.
You need to put yourself first for a bit, along with your daughter. It must be dreadful to have to walk on eggshells all the time and be at the mercy of someone else's indecision. Think about what you will do with the answers and how they could help you with difficult decisions. I wish you well in these challenging circumstances.
I feel so sorry for you. This man has analysis paralysis, and he's been making you feel as though you don't quite measure up for the last ten years!
But you do! He is the one who sounds incapable of being happy with his lot.
He thinks all the choices are his. It's his decision to end the relationship. I know your confidence is probably low, after ten yrs of being made feel that you're not quite good enough, but if you were a single mother you would be a lot happier, just to be on your own and not dragged down.
You say you don't want to be a single mother. I'm a single mother and I'm certain I'm a lot happier than you are. My children's Dad is in the other room playing with them right now. But I no longer have to deal with his bad humour, his lack of compromise, sacrafice...
Being a single mother is not worse than what you're dealing with now.
Ps, I don't go around telling people to throw in the towel whenever they have an argument. But this is one of the saddest threads I've read in a long time.
I agree with Pelafina, this guys burdens you with his every hurtful thought. Why? To be honest with you?? Cheers. As Pelafina points out, these women he wonders about, would they seriously consider going out with him!! He sounds on the one hand very depresssed, but he also quite an elevated sense of his self-worth. YOU are not good enough for HIM and he feels he's sold himself short! The absolute cheek of him. You've given him a daughter and he's given you ten years of insecurity and worry.
Since I last posted i felt that we were both trying to make things work however on Ssaturday morning he had to work and rather than cming home after he had finished went to the pub with work and didn't come home til 5pm. I was hurt cos weekends are the only time we can spend as a family. I had also specifically said I wanted him to come home if they all decided to do something after work. We kind of had worsd about it but TBH I couldn't be bothered arguing cos I am soo knackered with having no sleep with LO.
Later we were talking in general about children and he said that (although he has always wanted 2 kids) he now only wants one - atm - and if he was sure he wouldn't change his mind he would have a vasectomy. I asked why and he said that cos the LO has changed things so much.
Yesterday we agreed to make an effort and went shoping then nipped to a pub for a drink. He was really quiet and I asked him what was wrong - cue long discussion about same old (see rest of post)I got angry and said that he should just go then cos I'm fed up of not being loved and deserve better.
We came home and he looked on the CSA website to see how much he would have to pay for LO - it would be £50 a week - I was stunned so I have to put all my wages into LO and he gets away with a measly £50 a week. Before LO I would have been able to keep the family home but now I wouldn't be able to. I'm feeling so sad We had a long discussion and it got quiet heated. He isn't 100% sure that leaving is what he wants but says that he doesn't fancy me and although he loves me not enough blah blah blah.
I asked him to leave but he won't! Says he has no where to go and we can't afford rented for him (which is true mainly cos I am on Mat leave)
We carried on talking and he started saying that he did love me and would try to make it work...but I really don't think his heart is in it We tried to have a nice evening and a bath together but LO screamed the house down. We tried to make love but ditto - managed it at 5am this morning
Part of me is angry with myself for trying as I don't think he wants to but then I think that I don't want to be a single mum and I don't want to be without my husband so surely I should b e fighting.
I'm just so scared that I won't be able to cope emotionally or financially. And I don't see why my standard of living (which is comfrtable) should go down because he decides he has changed his mind about what he wants.
I have suggested counselling but he won't go. I have suggested he might be depressed he won't acknowledge this, despite him telling me that he wishes he was dead. I have asked him if he would do anything stupid and he said that he hasn't got the balls to leave me so how would he have the balls to kill himself.
Arrghh I feel like I'm going mad and round in circles but don't know how to change things - I have given him the optionof leaving and he won't go. What are we going to do if we do split up? Live together til the ouse is sold?
Everything is such a mess. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I have waited so long to have a baby and then she arrived 9 weeks early and now my husband wants to leave me.
I'd ask him to stay with family or friends or even a b&b for a few nights.
I'd get a surveyor in to tell me how much I could sell the house for
I'd go to CAB and find out which benefits i'd be entitled to
I'd see a solicitor about a divorce etc etc
At least that way he has some space you have all your facts and figures.
At the end of the day you can't make him stay, it won't make either of you happy, you can both be good parents together or apart, if you make each other unhappy what is the point of staying together? You do deserve someone who makes you happy and loves you for you.
If he comes back to you after thinking hard about it for a few days then you could try counselling together and see where that takes you.
The last thing I would want in this situation is to make him stay/ live in limbo etc but that's just me.
I would hope a reality check would make him sort himself out asap.
lovemygirls -thats kind of what i'm thinking of doing. Was going to ring up a letting agents and see if there are any one mth lets available.....that way not costing a fortune but far cheaper than getting divorced....
He won't stay with friends or family cos he doesn't want them to know... i agree cos last time they stuck their oar in and this is why we are in this mess now. He didn't get to the bottom of how he was feeling and why....
I know but what good is him stringing you along like this? It's unfair that he should be the only one allowed to make any decisions when it affects you so deeply. You have a right to say I'm not putting up with this. At the moment he could keep this going for however long, personally I like to be in control and wouldn't want to hang around waiting to see if he loves you enough, that's really insulting, while he is still with you he doesnt have chance to miss you, to realise what you're good qualities are and why he loves you etc absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
You are stronger than you think, look what you have come through already, you are not a weak woman and you don't deserve to be treated this way.
Somehow things will work out, they always do, worrying won't help but finding out facts and making your own decisions will ime.
So sorry you are having to deal with his selfish behaviour.
i agree with love mygirls-call his bluff-sounds like he is an attention seeking idiot-probablyjealous of the new baby
i'msorry but you really need to take control of this situation - oh and if you split up he will be paying for the roof over your head, an allowance for you and for LO,so he canstick his 50 quid up his arse. prat.sorry but this has made me very
i am amazed that he went to the csa site and then found out how much the law said he'd have to give to you.
That is the minimum that he could give, surely. If he was a grown up, he'd realsie that it is up to him how much he gives- ie he could give more than that and not leave you in a mess!
he does sound very very ineffectual and introspective tbh. I suspect if you make him leave then in the end he will truly belive that you threw him out and ended the relationship yourself. If he is the sort of person to turn it all in on himself- you need to stay firma nd true to yourself and maybe even write stuff down.
I know form bitter experience how words can get twisted- and i seem to be recognising stuff in your dh that i have had to deal with..
be firm and kind and write it down.... then if he comes back you have nothing to say sorry for. and if he doesn't you know in your heart of hearts that you were fair and reasonable (you sound like you are anyway, but don't get lost!)
I would go to CAB and talk to someone face to face to work out what you are entitled to - the £50 sounds like a load of rubbish to me.
You were strong enough to turn around after all his threats to leave and say "Well go then." - you called his bluff and he folded.
I think you need to do everything lovemygirls has suggested. Have the figures to hand (don't believe anything he researches on your behalf)
Stay strong and ask him to move out for a set period of time to decide what you both want (one month rent sounds like a great idea, but if there aren't any he needs to sort something else - don't let him get out of it)
This is why you need to go to CAB and a solcitor so you can find out these things then it will be less for you to have to worry about.
Be kind to yourself. Where he goes is not your problem, if my dp had said he wished i'd died to save him having to have some bollocks he would be very sore in the groin area - yet here you are running round trying to find somewhere for him to go? He is an adult responsible for his own actions.
You have a baby to think about and that is hard work you do not need his pathetic selfish behaviour on top of this right now so get him out of the way so you can concentrate on you and dd for a few days at least x
This is very sad and it sounds as if he is too weak to make the decision and wants you to do it. I agree though that he will make it all out to be your fault - he will want to be the victim.
I would also try and tell someone - family should be supportive in these situations - but if they are not at least you will know. Do try and find some support for yourself though - there are lots of people who would be supportive and understand without becoming too intrusive.
IME men just want things sorted and really have not thought about the long term implications.
I also believe he will have to pay a fair share of your home wilst you have a lo.
You are not a failure - he is the one failing you at the moment by not being there for you.
It takes two to make a successful relationship and he is just not doing his fair share - he is letting you do it all and then 'blaming' you when you cant do it all.
My initial reaction is how dare he speak to you like this with a LO just home and still v fragile. You have been through an immensely difficult birth. She needs you both and he needs to have a more positive attitude towards raising her even at this first stage, no, especially at this stage.
Reading on from your first post he seems very immature. I fear you knew his personality well before you decided to have children. Someone else said he was like picking the petals off a flower - i love her i love her not. Well it sounds like he is like this about his whole life (I want one child/two children/ a vasectomy) and he has dragged you down in the process. I suspect his family know you are the best think to happen to him which is why they were insistant he stay with you. Which is NOT fair.
Have you any family close you could stay with? I think you owe it to yourself and you LO to make a decision. That must be so fecking hard after just giving birth but he can't say he doesn't love you then have sex with you at 5am - he is playing with your emotions so much.
