..so we would like to practise being nicer to them! I managed a week without saying anything sarcastic or critical to DH.

This week I'm also trying to be more affectionate to him, rather than just hugging the kids!

I feel happier and the atmosphere at home is much better.

I have ben kissing dp more the last few days as i realised wuite how much it had slipped! I have even initiated some loving!!

Is there something in the air? I have been making more of an efort the last week or so and it has definately been a much happier atmosphere.

This is the start of a new week, so I shall be following in from my efforts last week. This week I'm going to try and not take the piss out of my partner's driving (this is going to be very difficult!!) and I shall also try and cook more, as I can't really use the excuse of bad smells bringing on my MS anymore as really they don't.

good timing on this thread! i know several people who hve crap partners - i don't just mean they won't do the ironing, i mean these are quite nasty angry bullies (no phys violence tho). my partner is caring, funny down to earth, he respects me and loves me and i really enjoy his company......i'm so thankful to have him. he's a good egg.
we all get fed up with our Dp's at times but really i'm sure in the grand scheme of things they are good blokes and fathers.

My bf pointed out how lovely and devoted my dh was. Shame I needed her to tell me. Must try harder to appreciate him more.

shall we do a week-by-week challenge, Janni? eg one week no criticism, one week more affection etc until it builds and builds and they explode with appreciation? Just kidding, I mean, it really helped me knowing it was a challenge last week.

That's what I'm trying to do, Scattercushion, but I wouldn't presume to tell anyone else how to do it - I'm no expert! I know if I try to change lots of things at once I tend to give up, so that approach works for me. So this week I'm going for - no sarcasmor criticism and more physical affection.

lol at them exploding with appreciation. I'll just be lurking this week, but will join in again next week.

i am just out of a years long depression during which i have been so horrid to my dh. in reality he's lovely and tries his best. he cooked me a others day dinner last night (timing about an hour late, but hey he tried!) and bought a bottle of wine he know I liked and we ate it in front of a dvd i 'd wanted to see for ages. i do love him. hope he realises it

Oblomov - at first I thought you were saying your boyfriend pointed out how devoted your husband was

My DH is a star. He loves me, tries to make me feel good about myself all the time, goes out of his way to show he cares about me. I actually got round on Sunday morning to telling him just how fantastic he was. Because he is.

But I'm still not 100% happy with our relationship . My problem I suspect, definitely not his.

DH didnt know what had hit him last week tho we do have a very loving relationship anyway.

When he got home I made him a cup of tea and told him to go and relax and it was fine if he wanted to go on the computer. I told him I would sort the children out with tea and bath and bed and he could chill out!!

He was very and wanted to know what was going on and I put my arms round him and told him how much I appreciate how hard he works, and that I loved him loads.

We had such a lovely week together and I didnt criticise him much at all.

Am going to do the same this week too.

Is anyone 100% happy tho Orm? what do you think your problem is your relationship?

collision - I hijacked someone else's thread last week whingeing about my marriage and I don't want to do it again . But suffice to say it comes down to mid-life crisis I suspect. And a feeling that there is a wild and exciting life for me out there...which I doubt very much.

Our house was a lot happier for me curbing my moaning last week, so I'll give the more affection thing a go this week - good idea.

What a nice thread.I had a lovely Mothers day yesterday. DH was so sweet, we had breakfast in bed the 3 of us and went out for lunch and he was just generally lovely.

I do try to be nice most of the time but it's mainly during the week when we are both at work that I get frustrated because I'm tired and things need doing.

So lip buttoned and massage oil out for the week !

I agree- nice thread. DP made such a big effort yesterday that I realised how devoted he is to us and what a kind person he is.
I realised that in my mind I find fault in most things he does- usually unjustified.
It has become a habit that I am determined to stop!!

me too, we had a terrible friday night because everyone was realy mean and snipey all evevning culminating in my dh crashing the roof box into the theatre car park (first ever family theatre trip, may be the last) and everyone (me too) was just mean to him about how stupid he was. later on he actualy cried and said how fed up he was and no one respected or valued him. i felt rotten it was only a bit of over the top teasing but he was vulnerable and it was too much. and it was only a thing fgs. so i am going to stop

I signed up to do this last week - and really struggled tbh! but new week more effort... I love the idea, but find it a struggle, must try harder!

Bobsyouruncle: is there a specific challenge you can set yourself this week that you would be likely to manage?

Ormirian - can we help with your midlife crisis??

Me - I pick stupid fights because I'm angry about other stuff & poor darling Hubby is always there to take it. I will be much nicer to him.

It's true, Minster, we take out lots of frustrations on them that have nothing to do with them. It's like we feel they're a 'safe target'.

Donk signing in for this challenge!

Hello Donk!

janni - no i don't think so. But thanks. It's down to me to stop thinking the grass is greener. I just seemed to have spent so many years grafting and struggling and I am getting scared at the idea that now I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm starting to get lines and aching joints and generally get OLD!

You could give me a virtual slap round the head and tell me to get a grip. Might help ]

God I feel old, tired and a bit past it on many days, OrmIrian. I'm also jealous (at times) of DHs status at work when I'm just a SAHM. I just got back from picking up 8 year old from school, 3 year old in tow and her acting up hugely to the point where I felt DESPERATE and like 'God this is SO much harder than any paid employment' No one really sees all the invisible work you do to keep it all ticking over.

You're so right about the grass being greener anywhere than outside your own front door!

Well I'm out at work janni. And whilst it can be great to escape from home sometimes, it grinds you down too. It felt like a very long day today and I knew I was coming home to a very messy post-weekend house, a machine full of washing to sort out, 3 world book day costumes to sort, plus the usual lunch boxes and dinner stuff. And DH will walk in the door at around 6.15 when much of it is sorted. I guess no-one's ever totally happy with their lot. And DH is pretty good all in all.

hmmmm breaking it down into mini-challenges could be the way to go. I did ok last night actually, chatted to dh in the evening rather than reading or watching tv and ignoring him like usual . Will try to keep that up

DH is now getting up with the children whenever I ask him, rather than me doing it every day and feeling resentful.

I'm struggling with being physically affectionate, that's a weird trait of mine. I think any stroke or kiss is going to seem like a come-on. I really have to crack this one!

I'm bailing DH out of some big paperwork mess this morning, stuff he's neglected to do. Have not uttered a word of complaint or criticism.
I am equally disorganised and need to tackle that, because so much of my irritation towards him has been that I'm really mad at myself!

Took steps this morning to find a nursery place for youngest child which will hopefully help me get a bit more time to sort my life out.

Well done with the paperwork, Janni. It feels like pulling teeth to me, sorting out that kind of stuff. And I have to do my tax return! I honestly spend 364 days worrying about it.

WHat I find difficult is when DH is moaning and you want to start harping back! DH was complaining about us being overdrawn and mentioned a train ticket I had bought (£24). Funnily enough he did not mention the surfboard he had bought (£500)

PS Three cheers for nurseries! It gives me more mumsnet time

going to have to really bite my tongue as dp due back oon from working away and hardly had any contact at all always leaves me feeling a bit second best

keep reminding myself his days were very very long and his doing it fore us but feel really annoyed as i wasnt well and sent him a message and he barely acknowledged the fact iw as throwing up and ds not been well so was really struggling

deep breath big hugs when he comes in i really want to come back on and say i did it and i will i really will lol

not going to let it ruin the good thing we have going with each other

must remember i'm not second best but work must come first lol

janni i too felt the same with my dp and come up with a thing that i would send hima message saying i want to have a really cuddly evening tonight but nothing more

i would massage him and he would massage me and we would just snuggle eventually i realised i wanted to do more as no pressure

i know how you feel though one kiss pile of washing up they think its perfect time to drape them selves over you and try and get more from you

so i always sent that message to set record straight lol

now we cuddle all the time and if we do we do but no pressure i think its a mans way of feeling loved but he knows now as i',m so much more affectionate he doesnt need to make love to me as he knows i still fancy him

well done you sound like your still doing really good

Bubblagirl - how did it go?

What a great thread. Thanks everyone for giving me something positive to think about. Can i join your challenge? mind you my poor DH will probably be calling for the men in white coats - I have been such a bitch just recently......

All are welcome!

I'm still telling DH about things that don't go well during the day, but I'm being REALLY careful to not make anything sound like I'm having a go at him. He is automatically being more helpful. Told me to go out for a bit when he got home from work and when I got back he and the kids had had a huge tidy up!

Does anyone else struggle with being affectionate to their DH? I used to be really touchy-feely but since the children I find it hard to do and it's not even as if mine are babies any more. Before I started these threads I was locked into this feeling that I had to do everything myself, liked I'd put an invisible wall around me.

I guess I need to take small steps as with all of this relationship stuff.

Night all - hope it's going OK. Don't be afraid to post on here if it's not!

This week is definitely a bit harder than last.. And tonight he's fecked off to the pub for a bit..just rang him and he's 'literally just walking out of the door now' which actually means half an hour away at least. I don't really mind, I just think its unnecessary, but shall attempt to refrain from snide remarks on his return.. (was Mymeems last week but felt like a change btw)

Okay so maybe he was just walking out the door

Hi JRocks/Mymeems. I think there's bound to be a sort of 'honeymoon period' when you start trying to change, but after a while you really have to battle with yourself to stop behaving in the usual way. I'm taking a fraction more time before I say things to DH to make sure it's said nicely rather than snapping at him which is what I usually do when I'm tired and fed-up (which is a lot of the time ). I can honestly say though that because I've been trying really hard to change, without even telling him about it, he has automatically behaved better. This morning he said 'I just want you to make you happy'.

There are lots of things in my own life that I'm not satisfied with and need to tackle, but what I've been doing is blaming DH, whereas he's actually a really good bloke who works hard and is very good at what he does. He's also laidback, good-humoured and fun.

I'm really glad I started this thread!

i messed up slightly but we didnt argue but i thought id approach taboo subject of when we would have more dc we have 1 ds nearly 3

well he said a while back no more dc and he also doesnt want to get married he always says we will but then finds millions of reasons why we shouldnt very romantic

anyway feleing bit broody and he told me point blank no more children

so i kind of said oh because you have spoken i have to have no more dc and no marraige just wandering what i do get a say in

and then oops said i'm beginning to wonder now whether i'm willing to give up my dreams of more dc and marraige for him

i know it was a bit mean but it makes me so sad ir eally want these things kills me to think i'll never give my ds a brother or sister

some days i think no ones enough then i get that very painful longing that just makes me burst into tears

anyway we are fine and we didnt row i think he feels guilty as he used to ask me to marry him all the time and also said he wanted 2 dc so i said i feel his lied to me as if he was honest in first place i may not have got with him as we clearly want different things

he then said i do want to marry you i love you so much but i know he doesnt he said it sounded good at the time when he said it and he dont get marraige aaaggghhh i could go mad

still i'm still going to keep this going and i refuse to let this ruin what we have at moment just dont know how to get rid of this pain i feel

sorry to go on needed to vent to someone just keep crying for what i'll never have and he had cheek to say it was because how i felt with him not being round first time as works alot and he cant go through that again

opnce again its something i've done he never is fully honest about his feelings makes me feel worse that its me that has ruined having more dc

anyway due to all this i think he now feels guilty and is trying rreally hard to be so nice maybe he thinks i will walk out

Bubblagirl, I understand how you feel..DP told me a couple of years ago at someone else's wedding that he didn't think he'd ever be into getting married. We were both pretty tipsy at the time so it became quite a drama (me assuming he was about to leave, which wasn't actually true) We haven't made a decision on a second DC yet, but I sometimes feel quite uncertain about the future... but I think me getting uptight has caused more problems than its solved which is partly why I'm doing this. To see if things happen naturally when we're just chilled out, being ourselves. I think part of it was that DP was not ready to become a father when he did, and is reluctant to change too much so he retains some sense of his youth and freedom.. maybe one day it will change. I'm rambling now, sorry. Anyway, I just want to be happy with myself, DP and DS and see what comes along after that...you never know!!

Should add, I succeeded in not getting tetchy when DP walked in last night, and we actually had a giggle. [proud of myself emoticon]

i'm really proud of you jrocks

well i've decided i'll take things one day at a time and not feel i need to plan future we are happy with ds and we are happier than we have been in a very long time so dont want to find another drama to ruin what we have just rediscovered

i phoned him today just to tell him how much i love him and also chicken or fish for dinner lol but did say i really do love you

i have done so well last few weeks and luckily we didnt row last night so nothing has been jynxed i'll just keep doing what i'm doing he seems more relaxed but i think he is trying too not aall problems have been down to me lol

JRocks - well done for last night.

Bubblagirl - that must be very painful to be so broody and for your partner to be against more DC. I can't say whether it's right for you to get married or have more children. All I can say is that he's more likely to listen to you if you don't make it sound as if he's being mean or unreasonable and if you stick to expressing how upset YOU feel about it.

Hi again ladies....just to let you know I am starting to get it! I think it makes sense that if we are kinder to our other halves (and ourselves) we might run along more smoothly. The hard part is in the detail though! I think Janni makes a good point for taking that little pause before launching in - its worked so far today for me, so thanks. Have now got a 3rd birthday party to host - usually a real flash point for me the being social and smiling bit! so I will keep doing the deep breaths...

GOOD LUCK WITH THE PARTY, Minkulus!

janni subject is off limits i dont mean to go on at him bhut only have to mention and he gets really defensive and mean talks down to me

but obviously i need to say how i feel its done he dont feel the same si i dont really know what to do

i try not to mention it but its been nearly 3 yrs since ds was born thougth maybe it was all because ds being born not wanting anymore just yet so tried mentioning a while back but he started having a go at me

his normal reaction is to just speak down to me totally belittle me

but last night he didnt but just saw how upset it makes me it s hard i dont g on at him but last night felt the need to say it was unfair that he lied to me from the start as i feel so cheated now

but still ive slept on it since then and will take things one day at a time and he is still so good in other ways he still deserves my respect just wish he'd respect me at times too and just be honest about his feelings

anyway he said he really love sme and was looking rather nervous so its obvious he loves me so big hugs and kisses tonight but nothing more

I'm so glad I've read this- to realise I'm not the only one struggling! I get really frustrtaed by my dh's forgetfulness and rubbish diy and disoderliness and at the moment that aspect is dominating my thoughts about him. I think about what I want him to do and what he does wrong a lot but I'm realising that makes me moody and mardy too. This has made me realise it can change if you do things differently. I know he's a good man.

welcome corriefan

its so funny to think how we think about them i would love them to start a thread so we can see what they really think about us

as it takes two they try there best i think but we have ideas how it should be done same as them with us but when we ease up on each other these wonderful people start emerging who enjoy each other again

apart from slight slip up last night he is still great not all the time can be as miserable as sin but i guess so can i

i'm making a nice roast chicken dinner am going to run him a nice bath and just relax together this evening and make up for it not being such a happy reunion yesterday

didnt help that i had a tummy bug or somiething up anyway

today feel so much better so will treat him nice he did dsay he owes me a pampering as he had to go away mothers day for work hope eveyone else is ok? x

Back again...the party went OK. My DD was a miserable little sod the entire time and i was mightily embarassed, but when everyone had gone I did not take it out on my DH, which has to be a first . He has just been shimmying around the kitchen and making up silly rhymes and told me he feels really positive about us and our relationship. It was so joyful it has broken my heart to see how much he needs that kind of positivity . However, it has given me even more incentive to keep up the work and try to take a little step each day. Wish me luck!

Wow, its like this thread was made just for me!
Im a massive nag - and I know it. But I cant stop. Even when Im going on and on, Im WILLING myself in my head just to shut up, but I cant. I know I sound like my mother, and I know how crap it was growing up with a mum that found fault in everything me and my dad ever did.
I also seem to think dp is really thick sometimes - just in the way that a lot of men are, iykwim. Its a common sense thing, but it drives me INSANE!
It makes me cry sometimes how horrid I can be to my dp, and, bless him, he just takes all my shit, and still loves me to pieces for it.
Has anyone ever wondered ow they would react if their dp/dh spoke to them like that? Id be horrified, hurt, and really upset.
My dp is wonderful, and I really couldnt ask for anyone better. I just seem to forget (alot) that everyone has their faults, and I, most certainly, am not perfect, or easy to live with, but dp doesnt go on and on at me about any of it.

Flub, i get thinking like that, especially when i have just let rip at my poor DH. If he spoke to me like it people would say he was a bully or worse. I wonder why we react the way we do? mine comes from feeling a bit lost - SAHM, not very good at the mum bit and crappy relationship with family. I think sometimes we push our lovers hard to see if they will still keep coming back.
But now we can turn it around ....small steps!

What a fab thread! I'm not on MN much these days so it's great to pop on and see a thread like this.

I was in need of a book to read on a train journey recently so I popped into a charity shop. I had about 2 mins to choose one and this jumped out at me - possibly because it was brand new with a perfect cover, I don't know. Anyway....it is excellent. I don't think it would be out of place to mention it on this thread. "The Marriage Book. How to build a lasting relationship." Nicky & Sila Lee. With a foreword by Nicky Gumbel. HTB Publications, London. Its cover price is £5.99 but in my library you can order books in for 50p. It has a religious base (is that the right way to express what I mean?) but that doesn't put me off at all and hopefully it won't put others off either. I think it is a sound book and so I'd recommend it.

I've been way out of my comfort zone in work on two occasions very recently and it has brought home to me that when my dh has days of meetings and some are challenging to say the least, he might well feel as I have done recently and I'll be much more understanding as a result. I even replayed everything that was said in one meeting for an hour in the middle of the night last night, my mind was going over it so much! Ah, well - it was a good experience and I'll be much more content with my normal job and less likely to envy those going to meetings from now on!

I sooo needed this thread last week!

Minkulus - that's so nice how much your DH appreciated the change in you. Well done! Children's parties can be pretty stressful at the best of times.

Flubdub - break it down into small steps, little things you can change so you don't feel overwhelmed. It's really hard to break longstanding habits, especially ones you learned from your mother!

Dollybird - join now! I think we'll be going for a while!

Ruby - thanks for the book recommendation.

I'm still going strong and it's not easy, but doing this challenge has helped me look at other things in my life where I need help eg managing the household and sorting out the squabbling between the children. I'm trying to be much clearer in my mind so that I don't just take out my frustrations on DH.

Janni,
thank you for getting this going and for the encouragement you are giving everyone. As has been said before on this thread sometimes we get bogged down in 'slating' our DPs and its easier to blame them than look at frustrations,limitations etc. I love that you are getting your head around other things in your life - i think my epiphany has also come about the stuff that needs sorting so that i have more time and emotion for my DH and DD. Sometimes feels as if we are spread a bit thin IYSWIM . I have fallen a bit today, but i am going back out of the office smiling and positive - thanks!

me too signing up.
i have just come back form a 6 week course, staying away from home Mon- Fri.
Didn't think DH could or would manage, but he did so really well and is continuing to do his fair share.
It has made us both appreciate each other more and I really want it to continue as I can be a complete bitch to him at times, although there have been times when he deserves it!

Hi again, got to rush but just wanted to 'sign in' for the day too! Minkulus you sound like you're doing really well with this. Doublebluff -welcome, glad your DH has come up trumps while you've been away.

I really bit my tongue today to stop nagging my DH about getting in touch with his mum. He does it in his own time and it really is none of my business. God this thread is really making me think about what I say and it's HARD!

Were not all turning into The Surrendered Wife are we? She even says that if your husband is driving somewhere, and he takes a wrong turn, dont say anything - BECAUSE ITS NAGGING!

I feel a bit like this this week. had a totally shit Mothers Day, all because DS2 had fallen and hurt hishead the day before and was clearly out of sorts because of it, but I took it all out on DH despite him buying me flowers, and making a card with DS1 for me the day before and TRYING to let me have a lie in and TRYING to bring me breakfast in bed. I had a few glasses of vino Sunday night and just let rip at him that he doesn't appreciate me, or notice what I do, or do his fair share. He let rip at me back pointing out he works full time to my part time, pays all the bills and mortgage, has no time to himself unless he books a day fishing which I make him feel guilty about, cooks every night, always helps with bath and bedtime...

Made me feel really guilty especially when he quite rightly pointed out that I don't notice the stuff HE does, like the bins, watering the plants, washing the cars, etc etc. Gave me real food for thought this week, especially when despite our outbursts he brought me a cup of tea in bed every morning this week, helped even more with the children in the mornings, and cleared away after making his sandwiches.

Don't get me wrong - he can still drive me insane with the wet towels on the bed, dropping clothes where he stands type activity but the point is I do stuff that annoys him too and it's all a balance and a trade off...he is a great husband and I am lucky to have him.

Flubdub, that's a valid point but personally, I'm really not into the surrendered wife thing. I wouldn't sit by and say nothing if DH was clearly doing something daft. There is a BIG difference though between saying you disagree with him and belittling him as if he's one of the DC. All I know is that through making the changes I've made these past couple of weeks, our relationship has really improved and I feel much better about myself, happier.

hi all i'm still doing good i made him nice rainbow trout dinner told him he can watch top gear

lol might not sound much but normally dominate the tv lol in get 9 oclock he has top gear at 8

he loves it gets his coffee and biscuits and feels like he has some place in this home after all

he has been so loving back i agree its not surrendering but acceptimng just because it niggles us its not nessassarily wrong so we dont need to be having ago at our men who ar clearly slogging there guts out to support us then have to come home feeling unappreciated

we do tend to think about ourselves more its only natural but by opening up and realising how they must be feeling deserves rectifying makes them see why they fell in love with us in the first place

i am enjoying my relationship again and if we need to let off steam we can do it here instead of at them

well done every one

Hello everyone..I'm still doing ok, I think. Definitely no surrendering going on here though! I think it's the difference between, say, telling someone they have taken a wrong turn or totally berating them for never fecking looking at a map or paying bloody attention to anything but themselves!

Not that I've said that [hmmm]

Anyway, we're going ok so far....

I had to laugh about the surrendered wife bit I once asked my husband if he thought that it would make him happier if I 'surrendered' to him and I honestly thought he was going to cry - he got all panicky and said "does that mean i have to shout at you and stuff, ooh I don't think i can do that. Do you mind?" Bless his heart
I agree with all the lovely ladies - we are not surrendering so much as rolling over a bit to show our softer undersides. I for one am enjoying my husbands renewed joie de vivre. its just so sad that i'm the one who crushes him in the first place. Deep breath, smile and positive remarks.......

Hi all
Bubbla - you sound like you're doing so many nice things for your DH. JRocks and Minkulus - it seriously doesn't feel like 'surrendering' to me, either. I'm really amazed at how so many of us are saying that our change in behaviour is automatically making our DHs behave better. Mine is being so much more helpful and supportive with the house and kids. This morning I asked him to put the rubbish out and he went round and emptied all the bins in the house as well. I don't think he has EVER done that before.

I find I'm still struggling with the 'showing affection' bit of this week's challenge though and I'm trying to work out why. It might be because I don't feel like a very loveable person, so don't understand why he would WANT me to touch/stroke/kiss him unless it was part of sex. We've got out of the habit of just being affectionate to each other - sometimes I feel like I'm very cold, guarded. Am really going to try hard on this one.

*Signs up to this one

We've lost sight of each other for a good many months,we've been more open,honest and affectionate in the last week and it feels lovely.

Great thread!

janni just take it day by day bit more affection each day until you feel comfortable

the odd kiss and cuddle hand on his leg while watching tv kiss just to say i love you

i always hold his hand while watching tv i didnt when i thought he would try and pounce on me as was afraid of giving him wrong idea if knackered

but now we both know and were both affectionate he'll tap my bum on way past or kiss my head if walking out of room

poshwellies welcome and hope you can sort things with dp this thread is so helpful

Thanks Bubblagirl - that's a really sweet message. I'll try!

Welcome poshwellies!

DH has taken the kids to swimming lessons. I
was not calm and organised about getting them ready. Felt really annoyed with them and used the same tone to speak to DH . Realise I have done that quite often in the past - speak to him as if he's one of the DC. Not good.

Will try to do better when they get back.
Hope all on this thread are OK!

i made my dp lovely pork dinner annoyed him by asking if he was ok as he seemed tense and makes me feel uncomfortable

as when talking to him he just stares at tv so i know somethings up

anyway kept giving him kisses telling him i love him and cuddling him he eventually told me he was so tired and run down

so i made him coffee bought his biscuits through let him atch top gear in peace lol

anyway although it was still uncomfortable atmosphere as always is if he's like that we still managed to have a laugh so all was ok

janni we are allowed to mess up every now and then we are only huiman after all and patience will only last for so long

we have alot of stress at moment with ds 2.10 needing further assessments to rule out autism

normally we would pull apart and dp doesnt know how to handle this he gets angry but were managing to talk and be there for one another

i also know not to go on too long as he can only handle it for short amount of time before he loses it

so all is well still in the bubbla household

{have had to do alot of walking away and sitting tight lipped but been worth it} dont want to make us sound like the waltons lol

its taking alot of hard work

Bubbla - I'm so sorry to hear about the stress over your little boy. It's great that you're managing to keep your relationship with your DH healthy at such a worrying time.

DH has been fab this week, he has done more than I could ask and everything I wanted of him

He is more than OK and after 17 years he seems to be being great

I am so very very lucky

Hi girls - just checking in. Things going well here today. DH and I are laughing a lot more and much more relaxed, though i agree with you Janni, sometimes when I'm stressed (usually while trying to get ready, a bit of a flash point?) I really talk to DH as if hes a naughty, disobedient child . I wonder where we 'learn' that behaviour?
I hope it will be back on track for you when they get home from swimming.
Thinking of you all and sending good vibes!

Wish me luck, everyone - DH arrives back this afternoon after a week away. It's always difficult when he's been away, as the house stays relatively tidy when he's not around, and he comes in and immediately creates mess. But I'm going to try really hard not to get at him for it, and to show him how much we missed him.

good luck jackieno

my trick when dp comes home from being away is instead of stressing about mess i'll ask him to tidy whatever it is while i'm doing something else and then give hima big hug and kiss for helping

normaly i dont even give him chance to do it and start moaning but he isnt expecting me to do it i just choose to see it as a big problem

also make that less of a priority and your relationship a higher one i always find the could you please clean this while i do this thank you sexy man big hug and kiss

then thanks for that darling coffee?

the thing is you get used to place being yopurs and how you want it and really have to become slightly less house proud as its not nice for them to feel they cannot relax in there own home

i remember my dp saying i dont feel like its my home when i come back so now i'm so much nicer about it xx

Thank you bubblagirl - some good ideas. I'm expecting to have to pick him up from the station around 4 or 5, so will mentally prepare myself.

your hyoscar - has the change in your DH been because you've been different? Bubbla -you're right about giving them a chance to help rather than instantly moaning. They do things in their own time, in their own way and that's OK!

Hi Mikulus - yes the rest of the day went better, thanks and DH is still being great, taking the kids loads and making sure I get time for me. I KNOW this is because I've been nicer to him, even if not as nice as I ultimately aim to be. I'm working on it!

Jackie - GOOD LUCK! Hope you have a really nice reunion.

The relationship threads about abusive partners are really making me appreciate moe and more what I've got in DH and to want to hold on to it by being a nicer partner to him.

Hello all..good to hear everyone is doing well! Tonight is a real test for me...DP has decided to go straight out after football, which isn't unusual. Normally I have a real whinge at him at really create an atmosphere, but I have been quite nice about it. Actually I think he has made a bit of an effort too, as he rang early to talk to me sensibly about it as soon as a night out looked likely. Often he'll ring half cut and really put my back up. So I suppose this is progress of sorts..though I'd much rather he wasn't out on the lash! I even said to him 'of course you deserve some play time after working so hard all this week' - do I get an oscar?!

Anyway, enough of my rambling, well done everyone..thanks for encouragement and good luck for another week!

So far so good. It's lovely to see him. And even lovelier that he (unprompted) went and had a shower quite soon after getting back - he was seriously whiffy, after 30 hours travelling in the same clothes, poor thing. He's just reading DS a bedtime story.

oh well done jrocks give the girl an oscar {he he} have relaxing evening

well done jackieNo sounds like a cuddly evening could be on the cards enjoy your time togteher

well i made another nice dinner and hereally liked it told me i was his best girl {hope i'm the only one lol}

his still feeling run down so still feel slightly on egg shells with him but i know how to act and what not to say when his like this and dont take it so personally nearly another week done 4 weeks with no arguments now and 2 eweeks on this thread x

hope everyone else is doing ok and having good evening

I'm about to close down MN but wanted to update my bookmark on this thread. This thread is like the FLY thread, you see improvements with the little changes you make which is great. It feels do-able then, doesn't it?

Sorry Grouchyoscar - don't know what happened to my typing of your name back there.

Well done Jackie, Bubbla and JRocks. Good to hear we're sticking with the programme

Hi Ruby - This is Flylady for relationships

^rolls eyes^ She gets everywhere, that pesky FLY!

well i'm afraid to say my evening didnt go as lanned he was miserable and tired proceeded to have a go at me instead of shouting back i said if you have nothing nice to say to me dont speak to me

sat in silence watching a dvd he went to bed gave me kiss and said love you

anyway this morning supposed to be my pampering day he offered to get up but i said its ok you get some rest as his doing day and night shift tomorrow

come back into the room and he proceeded to tell me how he feels i dont like him and last few days hit has been confirmed ive been all over the bloke abd his not complained

he always blames me if he messes up its always my bloody fault that is what gets to me the most insteamitting his at fault he'll tell me it was me

so i said ive been really affectionate ooked lovely meals have let you fully relax and then decided to say me cooking dinners dont prove i like hikm so i said oh and me snogging your face ioff is obviously a sign of anger

so i have to say feel really peed off now i try to fix things try to change myself and now have to resign to the fact it will always be my fault no matter what

men

still i will continue as i like the person i am right now but as for him unless he takes responsibility i refuse to always be made to feel its my fault mentally he is making me so mad i love him but sometimes when he does this he makes me feel his controlling as i then go out my way to try and mmKE HIM HAPPY BUT IT WASNT EVEN MY FAULT AND HE DOES NOTHING FOR ME TO MAKE ME HAPPY OR APPOLOGISE

sorry ds pushed caps but i could do with shouting anyway

rant over new day i'll forget how he spoke to me this morning as i refuse to let it ruin my day

hope every one else had great evening though xx

Bubbla - sorry you're having a tough time. One thing though: you can't make him happy, that's his responsibility. You can only change yourself and HOPE that he responds. There's obviously a lot going on in his head right now, which might have nothing to do with you so please don't be hard on yourself.

THANKS JANNI sorry ds and caps again

i know he is trying to make it up to me now gone off to do shopping and wants to cook me hunters chicken for dinner so we'll start again its so tough when his hours are so long as it changes him for the worst and nothing i can do to change it

still up until yesterday it was ok it just annoys me when he always has to blame me especially as we all know how hard i'm trying and so far have succeeded

he took back what he said but still it still hurt my feelings

i wont dwell on it i just want to keep things going happily

xx

Hi there everyone. Just saying Hello. Progress halted slightly today, but keeping on track.

bubblagirl - i feel for you. It must be very frustrating for you to have your efforts thrown back, but maybe it will take him some time to adjust to the new 'regime'. Keep at it for your sake - i know i feel better about ME never mind my DH. a sense of serenity and calm will help you however he reacts and may help you cope if he cannot move on. Thinking of you.

Janni - hows it going with you guys? my DH and I are moving on to the more affection phase and its great . i think its sometimes easy to forget how nice it feels to be the object of someones desire/ affection but without strings.

Anyway y'all good luck for the coming week and keep those chins up and eyes twinkling - if nothing else it will confuse the buggers!

thanks minkulus he has cooked us lovely hunters chicken but my mood feels negative and the little comments keep flying out so thought best come sit on comp in other room just to breathe deep and start again when i go through oh well new week new start just wish he was on one of these threads

be nice to your dp who is obviously making so much effort and think before you bloody speak lol

well done all and see you tomorrow for a new week

glad its all affectionate for you minkulus it is nice we have got there just not last 2 days

xx

Bubblagirl - hope you can get past this, and carry on.

I'm doing OK, and DH is being particularly nice atm. No idea whether it's my behaviour, or jet lag (I suspect the latter). Did have a bit of a moment when he went off to pay for petrol, leaving us in the car, and locked it (by mistake I think) so that when we moved, we set off the car alarm. But he was back pretty quickly, and I was only slightly sarcastic, but in a mostly good humoured way (no, really, I was). Not sure how well I'll do next week, with the chaos of life during school and work days.

OK, so we're two weeks in now.

Yes, I'm getting -slowly- better at the affection and DH is responding very well!

We 'had words' about some trivial thing re. one of the children this evening, but I was careful to say 'I don't think that's fair' rather than 'you always...' and it was quickly forgotten.

DH is still being hugely helpful with the kids - he really wants me to be calm, happy and nice, it's quite humbling really.

So good luck for another week. Is anyone going to add to the challenge? I'm just continuing with 'more affection and not being critical'.

I'm going to stick with 'not being critical' for the time being, as I'm not sure how well I'll do when it's not the weekend, and I've got used to him being back. tbh, if that's all I ever manage, it will be a good thing for me/us.

This weekend must have been cursed...after trying to be nice and understanding about his night out ha proceeded to push all my buttons by not being contactable all night (phone out of battery), not telling me where he would be if I needed him, and not getting in until early sunday morning

soooo...I kept it together as best I could and tried to talk about it reasonably yesterday. Managed not to argue but I think I need to have a talk with him about that sort of behaviour on a 'nice' night IYSWIM..so he's listening rather than shutting down cause he thinks I'm having a go.

Think I may need to point out that I shouldn't have to be the only person feeling responsible for the relatonship..

oh well, new week, new start...

Ok girls. I'm up for a challenge - how about we add in something new? What about doing something nice for ourselves this week....I know it sounds a bit contrary, but by being nice to ourselves we can also spread the love!
My challenge (and this might sound a bit weird!) is to shave my legs!!! I usuall just leave them and i think it makes me a bit self concious with him re