Hi

He knows what area of the country we are in (eg, East Anglia/London/North East) but it is a massive area we are in, and comprises of many major cities, so it'd be like looking for a needle in a haystack. It was inevitable that he would know roughly, as he had to come to court here for the contact hearing, but the solicitor held it in a different city so he wouldn't know. Also my address has been withheld on all correspondence, and the solicitor sends any mail with the head office address which is ina different place from here.
I also applied to be entered on the electoral register anonymously - if you can prove that you fear for your safety, and can get the police/social services to back it up they will omit your entry from any public file.

dos he have any ideas where you may be? (i'm assuming your own family etc don't know where you are.)

lets hope that when the time comes they throw the book at him.

I'll have to appear when the trial starts, but the hearing in Dec is just the first hearing at crown court, it can take months and months to get a trial underway.
As Policy said, he's not in custody - he's on conditional bail which basically means he's out and about and free to come and go as and when he pleases, on the condition that he has no contact with me or the DC, or comes anywhere near us or gets anyone else to contact us.
It's making me very jittery though.

Sadly, Spandex, he's not on remand.

It probably doesn't seem like much Sleeping, but it's progress of a sort I suppose!

ok, what does that mean? you'll have to go as a witness etc? is he in custody at least?

It was the first court hearing yesterday. he pleaded not guilty, obviously, so the case has been adjourned until 12 December, so more waiting. I won't be required for that one, it's just the first hearing at Crown Court.I'm just glad I'm 250 odd miles away.

policywonk...I've told DD1 that the option is there, and that I may well use counselling myself, but as the dr said it's best to wait til everything has settled down before undertaking that. She may decide to go herself if she sees me going, but if not I can't/won't make her.

That's good news sleeping - the head sounds lovely.

I think Spandex's idea is great - I'll be keeping a note of that one for when my DSs are older and refuse to tell me anything!

Re. the counselling - if she's really reluctant then maybe it's best to let her make that decision for now. I think having counselling when you really don't want to can be quite damaging. Just as long as she knows that the option is there.

Great from the HT SWTE glad the DC's are doing well.

Hi

Well, fortunately DD1 has seen sense and decided to 'dump' the boy. Her friends at school detest him, and i think she realised that both her Mother and her friends couldn't be wrong!

Saw the dr who was very supportive, and upped my dosage.

DD2's school called yesterday and asked me to go in and see the head, to fill him in on what's happening. I had already told the teacher in case DD2 said anything untoward, but the head wanted to speak to me about it. Well...I could have cried, he was so nice to me. Sat and listened, said all the right things, made me laugh...when someone knocked on the door he wouldn't answer it, just gave me his undivided attention. He asked what support I have for me, I said none, so he said he's always there for me to talk to any time at all. It's been so long since I had anyone listen to me I was almost overwhelmed! I don't know if it was the increased dosage or the fact that I had talked to him, but I had the first good night's sleep I have had in ages.

Good point Spandex - the idea here is to encourage her to bring her feelings into the open, not to lock them away as secrets. It's still a lovely idea though.

actually yes that's a good point, it's something nice for you to to do - I'd be weary about the idea of it being a secrete or something special, as if anything did happen with XH it might well remind her of such likes?

Just echoing Spandex's idea. That is a brilliant idea. Just make sure that your dd knows that it is for the two of you, and get the groundrules right early on - ie. you will talk about stuff that's in the book, but that it is special between the two of you, and not for the others to read.

anything that gets her to 'open' up about things can only be seen as a good thing.

do you get very much 1 2 1 time with them all?

good luck with your DR.

Good idea Spandex...

She brought home a certificate from school for being 'really nice' for a whole term. not that she wasn't really nice before if you know what I mean, they just give these awards out to the nicest/kindest/sportiest/most improved....

I was really pleased, but also went back to her room later when we'd finished talking about the situation and told her how proud I was of her for getting it, so it wasn't overshadowed by what we were talking about.

I have brought my dr appt forward to today, as I am really living on my nerves, and need to ask their advice about my dosage before I put in my repeat prescription. I'll talk to the dr about it all then.

just ignore him, and say I have nothing to say to you, please leave me alone.

a suspicious person would be slightly concerned about his keeping contact with you & his 'proposal' re DD1.

hmm sounds like DD1 has an inner turmoil type of thing going on. I wonder would she perhaps write it down - for example if you have a standard laptop/note pad even at home, give it to her and say, ok when i'm feeling sad and upset i'll write to you in it, and when you're feeling the same and confused you write to me in it?

(i'm not quite sure how/if it would work with a girl her age or not)

you may need to start things off/ have more input to start with sort of thing like, I was so proud of you today in school. if there's a few down days, perhaps put a pos spin in a negative - I don't know, I worry when you're out, but I know you're a sensible girl?? (as you're not sure if indeed anything has happened & we're not entirely sure it might not work but maybe that sort of an idea on things?)

Hi, back in the library again!
Spandex, DD1 is 13 (14 this month), DS is 11 and DD2 is 4.
I seem to be having no problems at all with the younger 2...I talked to DD2's teacher this morning (I had to tell them what has been going on as DD2 might have come out with something about her dad in class and all hell would have broken loose) and she told me that DD2 is a delight in class, always smiling and happy, as she is at home. DS is a lovely child, very sweet, loving, kind...couldn't ask for a better son. And DD1 is also a lovely girl, just so at odds with herself. I feel desperately sorry for her, but she won't talk to anyone. The school have offered counselling ( I had to inform them also) and I have asked her to come with me to speak to the GP about counselling but she won't go. She's quite a 'deep' person, and wouldn't find it easy to talk.
Don't get me wrong, I am VERY proud of all 3 of them equally; we've been to hell and back and I would fight to the death to protect any of them.
ExB text me today, as if nothing has happened, asking how I am. I text back 'fine,...even though I'm feeling crappy I don't want him to know that. I'm not feeling bad about him anyway - he's the last thing on my mind.

((hugs)) swte.

I think maybe some family therapy might help? (obviously no need for you to go into the full ins & outs with your LO's) but esp some for your DD - her self esteem & confidence must be at rock bottom, how old are your older children again?

I think until she does value herself more these sorts of 'boy's will keep attracting her attention? - maybe she thinks she's not worthy of more when we all know she is worth so much more.

and your XB - well - tbh i'd seriously wonder why he wants a young girl in his flat - that's not normal what he's suggesting. really & truely it's not normal at all. leave him to his POF.

You are doing all the right things, Sleeping. I think dodgy people sniff out vulnerable people, so please don't be hard on yourself for feeling vulnerable at the moment. You are doing heroically (sp???) well. You are also surrounding yourself with people who can help to support you. I hope your dd finds some help too. You are a very good example to her.

Oh sleeping, I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I think you're quite right to talk to your GP about it. Are you still getting support from Womens Aid or any of the other local resources? It sounds as though you could really do with someone to make you a cup of tea and talk things through.

Look at it this way: your instincts about the ex-bf lead you to do exactly the right thing. You kept your daughter safe and you told a slimy man to shove off. Despite the difficult situation you're in, you handled it calmly and appropriately. Your children are lucky to have someone like you looking out for them.

For what it's worth, I agree that it sounds as though your daughter has low self-respect where her body and sexuality is concerned. I have zero experience with teenaged girls so I'm afraid I can't offer much help other than stuff you've probably already thought of (discussing the situation with a sympathetic GP, policeman or teacher at your DD's school), but maybe you could start a thread on here asking for advice specifically about this issue - I'm sure there are posters on the board who will have experience.

I think perhaps not talking to your mum for a few days might help too, she is not helping you at all.
Your dd is probably confused about her body image and what she should be doing with her body. She is at the age where she is discovering all the sexual feelings and it probably makes her feel good when she is admired, even by innappropriate men. Your talk wil hopefully help her to see what is appropriate and what isn't. I remember being that age and having men start to fancy me. Groping her boobs in front of you is out of order and I think i would have said so and embarrassed him, but your ex, pouting prettily and when he knows what she's been thru. He is not only a knob who lives in lala land, he is getting into the evil section there too. I agree with whoever said that. Tell him if he ever gets near her again you will go to the police. What he was suggesting is gross, and illegal I might add. Well not sitting prettily but he obv has something more on his mind, and that is wrong wrong wrong.
Maybe a chat with your police man friend who was supportive, just so someone knows what he's said???

Oh dear. I am sorry you are still battling.

Your mother sounds SO supportive. Not. CAn you avoid her for a while? Talking to her seems to just be frustrating.

Re: your DD. I really don't know what to advise. Has she had counselling? Sorry - can't remember. How old would she have been with exH? Just wondering if something did happen but that depending on how old she was, he managed to convince her it was her choice ifswim?

A friend had 2 DCs, a DS and a DD and she remarried. When the DD was 15 she started coming on really strong to the step-dad. He was mortified and didn't encourage her in the slightest. She was looking for attention. I am just wondering if something similar happened with your DD and your XH encouraged her? She would be feeling really mixed then. May feel she couldn't blame him although obv he was totally in the wrong if anything did happen.

I feel like crying today...I have an appointment on Friday with the gp and I'm going to ask him to up the dose of my anti depressants. I'm struggling to cope with it all, I'm not sleeping and I'm shattered. My mother last night blamed me for moving up here in the first place...has she forgotten that I had to flee my paedophile serial rapist husband???? That the police warned me not even to go back to collect my stuff? I want to crawl into bed and not wake up til it's all over.

I meant to say that she seems to place absolutely no value on her own body. I am becoming more and more convinced that exH did something to her as well as DD2, as her behaviour around boys is so extreme. She can't see why I am so upset by it.

Hi everyone
I've just discovered that exbf is on plenty of fish too, lol! Wanting to move in with me?????????????? I think blardy not! What a strange mind he has.
policywonk...I felt horrible thinking it but yes...I felt it was highly inappropriate that he wanted DD to go to his house in the evening when he was there alone with her. She told me that he had said to her that she would need to clean the house BUT if she played it smart she could get paid just for sitting and talking and 'pouting prettily'! Now it might be completely harmless but I think that would be wrong in a normal situation but in ours, given what's happened to all of us, I think it was bang out of order.
I'm having problems with DD1 now too. She has a 'boyfriend', and me...doing the reverse psychology bit, said he could come to the house - I figured if they were at mine (no upstairs though) I could keep my eye on them and know what they were getting up to, rather than them sneaking around behind my back IYSWIM? Anyway, they sat on the settee together and he started groping her boobs IN FRONT OF ME!!! I made excuses about dinner being ready so he had to go, and then had the big talk, I didn't go mad as that makes her shut down, but really did spell out to her that he was bad news and had no respect, either for her or me. I told her I wouldn't tolerate it and now I've barred her from spending time with him outside of school. He's been expelled twice for assaulting teachers, he has a temper and...wait for it...his Dad's in prison for murder!!! It beggars belief...why us? How come trouble just seems to find us? But now I'm worried that with me banning her from seeing him it might push her further towards him but I cannot allow it to carry on. She's already told her brother she doesn't trust him alone with her.

So glad to read the news re Charges and have to LOL at the ebf's alternate reality.

He should speak to my 46YO hubby who does ALL the cooking, cleaning etc

{cos i work away from home}

I'm sorry to say this (and well done again sleeping for telling him where to stick it), but alarm bells are ringing for me... why does he want a young girl to be alone in his flat with him?

Sorry, he sounds as though he might be predatory (as well as being a complete wanker).

I meant to put a link so my last post makes absolutely NO sense!

Try and read this (if my link has worked!) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1375/615505

Form an orderly queue ladies, he sounds like a catch!

Just read all of your posts SWTE, you are fantastic!

Sorry if I'm cross-posting with anyone, but my internet is on a go-slow today...What a DELUDED Idiot!! I bet you found it hard not to laugh in his face. I am seriously gob-smacked at this guy - it is going to keep popping into my head all day now and make me wonder at the insanity of it all! So glad you told him where to get off - was he reaaly expecting you to agree? I thought my ex was selfish, but this guy needs some kind of award, surely?

Yep, when I complained about being his 'skivvy' he said 'You're old fashioned underneath all that modern girl stuff...you enjoy looking after your man really'!

Have a look at this thread - it could be worse!

There is a reason he is 47 and single!

He would expect you to go to bed at 9 with him, and he thought it was a nice offer for your dd to clean his pit for a pittance. My god, men can be so delusional. They really do seem to think we should be exstatic at the thought of cleaning up after them and washing their undies don't they??

I sometimes wonder why we have anything to do with htem at all

Bandofmothers...my thoughts exactly. This man is 47....47 years of age FGS

LOL Buda! I'm sitting here in the library and chuckling to myself! It is laughable, and so unbelievable, but at the same time it's really p**sing me off. It's like he feels I should be grateful to him for his 'offer'. What would make it worse is that he goes to bed at 9 most nights (up early for work) so the kids would have to tip toe around, and he would expect me to go to bed at the same time as him (he told me this on Saturday night whilst i was trying to drag my jaw off my lap).

I think he lives in his own little world and reality seems to be bypassing him.
What a wierdo.

Did I mention that he also wants DD1 to go to his house, and clean it for him, and he'll pay her a fiver a week (paid monthly.) This would be in return for cleaning his kitchen, lounge, stairs, bathroom and his bedroom. He leaves his washing up so she'd have to do that, and clean the bathroom after 2 men (he has a lodger living there). Plus, he wants her to do this in the evening when he and his lodger are there, and he'd drive her home after. He was so offended when I said no. After everything that has happened he couldn't see how inappropriate this would be.

My God! He really is a catch isn't he?! How could you resist?

Hi all

Well, as Alice said 'curioser and curioser'...the bf (ex) turned up on Saturday night, having been to the wedding reception we were supposed to be going to together.
DD1 told me he had pulled up outside, but he wouldn't even come to the door so in the end I went outside, he asked me to get in and talk, so I did. He then told me that he thinks it would be best if he moves in to my house for half the week, and live at his house for the other half!!!!!!!!! . Er...hello...we're finished? I was gobsmacked. I mean, that'd be a bad idea in the best of relationships, but even if we had a relationship (which we haven't) it'd be a disaster. I mean, I'm trying my damndest to get the kids well and truly settled and stable, and then he expects to move in for HALF a week, having told me he only tolerates my oldest daughter, and he can't adjust to having kids around him! How the f**k does he expect that's going to work? He was stunned when I turned down his 'generous offer', and got really narky, then turned all 'whiny' and said he has panic attacks if I'm not there to hold his hand. As my friend pointed out this morning, he didn't have panic attacks when he went off to France on his motorbike a few months ago without me, or when he's swanning round in his sports car! (The 2 seater variety he bought, despite me having 3 kids).
I'm just at a loss as to understand him at all.
By the way the anser was a definative NO!

That's great news. hopefully they will condsider your daughters when they sentence him and lock him away for long time.

You do deserve a medal as policy says.

Sometimes you can't judge how peeople will turn out though - there's nothing anyone can do about that. It's great your getting social too.

Hope you enjoy yourself and that your Mum stops being so horrible.

I see your point about the sentence (here's hoping it's a bloody long one).

I can see why you're worried about your reaction. Have you spoken to your contact at Womens Aid about it? They might be able to give you some reassurance. Are your local police aware of the potential thread - do you have a panic button or anything like that? Sorry, I'm not trying to alarm you - it sounds as though you're very well hidden from your ex - but if you put a few safety procedures in place you might feel a bit less anxious, hopefully.

Your mother sounds absolutely horrid. Have you read the threads on here about toxic parents? Lots of women have posted about experiences like yours with your mother, and the general consensus seems to be that in the end you just have to cut people like this out of your life, because you'll never be able to please them. It must be heartbreaking though.

Don't feel that you have to apologise or explain about the ADs - you and your GP feel that they're necessary, and that's all that matters.

Seriously, you deserve a medal. Are you going to go to the social group? I guess, as far as men are concerned, you just need to take things REALLY slowly - hopefully this will go some way towards flushing out the bad ones.

Thanks so much. I'm not exaggerating when I say that MN has really got me through some bad times with this.
re the anti depressants...I'm not even taking them for depression so much as anxiety. My nerves are shot to pieces and my mind is constantly on overdrive, so they were prescribed to me by my (fantastic, compassionate and very good listener) GP to just enable me to operate on a calmer level.
What I am worried about is that this realisation of who and what I married has seriously damaged my faith in myself to recognise good from bad. I will find it damn near impossible to truat a man again, not so much infidelity-wise but rather with my children and myself. But by the same token I don't want to be on my own forever either. I'm happy being alone with the DC now, but in a year, or five or even ten I'm going to want to share my life with someone speciai but I don't know if I'll ever be able to let anyone in again.
As for my Mum, unfortunately she has always been emotionally absent and I spent my entire life trying to keep her happy and not upset her or make her mad. Doesn't stop me trying to win her affection though, and being crushed when it doesn't come!

PS, its amazing that you have emerged as the person you have with such a useless mother. Shame on her for not supporting you.

Sleeping, So glad to hear about the charges, I hope he gets the sentence he deserves.

Your BF sounds like a an utter twonk. I think some people have an issue with listening to things they don't like to hear IYSWIM, its like they can't receive on that frequency. Prat. (him obv, not you)

Although I know its probably impossible try NOT to beat yourself up about marrying someone who was a rapist. NO-ONE can tell a sex offender from someone safe, (or indeed a murderer, terrorist etc) thats why they are all so dangerous. If it was obvious who they were, indeed not even obvious, if you could tell in the slightest, then they would never find their victims, because they'd be cast out from society.

You are unlucky, a victim of your own love, goodness and trusting nature, but without those traits you would never be able to show your children how good a place the world CAN be, and that is invaluable, because without that hope then life seems pretty pointless.

Once again I applaud your strength, you are a phenomenal woman. x

Gosh - if that's your mother's attitude, no wonder it took you so long to recognise abuse in your marriage. That attitude on the part of a mother is pretty horrifying, actually. Who wouldn't want to put their arms around their little girl and hug her when she'd been through so much? A person who is not all there, is the kindest way of putting it.

Please accept a hug from me. I'm the laziest mama in the history of humankind, but I've got enough maternal instinct to go round the world, and a hug costs nothing. A kind word is cheap (free at evenings and weekends!). You deserve unconditional love and admiration - and keep taking the pills as long as you need them. My (probably barking mad) theory is that it's strong, not weak, to take anti-depressants; it shows determination to get on with life instead of wallowing in useless, debilitating emotions. It'll take a long while to get over the worst and there's no reason to deny yourself help in the meantime.

aargh..having a panicky moment about the social group! Not sure if I can bring myself to turn up at a restaurant with a group of absolute strangers! I have nowhere near the self confidence I used to have. Aaaarrgghhhh....
Policywonk...the only good thing about him not being on remand is that if he's found guilty and goes down, he won't have any time taken off the sentence for the time he's been on remand if that makes sense?

I'm actually a bit on tenterhooks now he's actually been charged. The detective who charged him said that he was eerily calm when charged, didn't bat an eyelid and just asked would he be out of the station in time to go back to work that afternoon. Most men, when charged with rape, would be devastated surely? The detective said he has certainly never come across a reaction like that. So now I'm panicking somewhat and thinking maybe he's decided he's going to come after me as he's got nothing to lose. Whenever he's been suicidal in the past he has also been eerily calm and unemotional, and if he's decided to end it he may try and find me first.

Also, I am finding it hard to deal with the reality of me marrying a man who was already a rapist when I met him. How did I not know?????

I phoned my Mum yesterday to tell her about the charges. We haven't spoken for a long time as she refused to give a statement to th epolice regarding the emotional abuse of my older children. Anyway, she was so dismissive, and I get the feeling she's dying to ask me 'are you sure this actually happened?'. Then I told her I was on anti depressants and she said 'what? Why? What have you got to be depressed about? You don't need those, stop taking them'. WTF???? I've been dealing with this whole thing for so long single handedly and she asks why I need help?

Well done sleeping. Shame he's on bail, but I suppose you can't have everything.

Well done for joining the social group too!

So glad I spotted this in active convos. Great news about the charges! Hope he gets put away for a long time.

Other man def not a loss as you have realised. What a waste of space! You are well out of that one!

Good on you for having such a brilliant attitude. Hope you enjoy your Chinese banquet and make lots of friends.

Great news, i hope that after all this you can lay all your demons to rest, and enjoy your time with your DC

and what a waste of space that last bloke seems to be! very selfish!

enjoy your night out!

Sleeping, I have been following your thread since the start but never posted. Just want to say that I am gobsmacked at how strong you are, you sound like a wonderful person and mother and it looks like finally, you may be able to look towards the future and move on. So happy that he will get his comeuppance, shame though that they are not charging him with abuse of the DC.

Good luck for the future.

Hi everyone

The news you've all been waiting for......

Ex was formally charged with rape yesterday, six counts in all, three against me and three against his ex wife. He is bailed to appear for his court appearance on 2nd October, although it will be next year before I am required to give evidence. So fingers crossed that the jury see that he's guilty and lock him up! Unfortunately they are not charging him with the abuse on DD2, or the cruelty towards my older 2, purely because of their ages and they don't want them put through the court process. But at least he is going to have to answer for the rapes and hopefully go down. he'll still be a sex offender, either way.

As for me, I am still 'single' as although i did see the bf again there is just no way it would work. Last night I called him to tell him about the charges and he hardly even commented, and then started going on about how I didn't make him feel important and that's what went wrong!!! I couldn't believe it...I have to face up to the fact that I married a man who had already raped (and who knows how many more women he raped)and it's only now he's been charged that I am allowing myself to really face that, and he wanted to talk about how i didn't put him at the centre of my universe!!!!Hmm...

I've also joined a social group. NOT a singles/dating group, but just a group of people who organise events regularly. I'm going out for a chinese banquet in october with them, never met any of them before but what the hell...I've never been one to dip my toe in the water, I usually jump in with both feet!!! I have no interest in meeting a man, or dating...I just want a bit of a social life!

I, too, am awed by your strength. You are able to be the lioness guarding her cubs with regard to your DCs. Just make sure you do the same for yourself - although it sounds as though you have, so far as this new bloke is concerned. Don't let ANYONE treat you with anything less than the utmost respect.

Ah loneliness - a horrible thing. Have you ever lived alone? Don't forget that you have your children around you and they sound very supportive.

Do get involved with things like PTA at school, voluntary organisations etc. They are a great way to make good friends.

I have to disagree with pickle - I wouldn't go near a man for a long time, simply because you are all vulnerable atm.

Take care and well done you!

Wow what a story - I'm impressed by your courage.

Men - just stay away from them all for a couple of years, till all the dust has settled, till you are 100% happy. You went straight from one severely abusive relationship into another - bound to be a problem.

You don't need a man who will drain you, you need supportive friends (who can be male!) who are truly there for you (like all of us on MN!)

When time passes, you will start to understand why you have had these relationships. It's easy to get sucked in when a man is sooooooo nice at first - the thing is this: why do we stay in relationships which start to be abusive?

Been there myself - but now I have my DP who is soooo wonderful tho, best dad, best partner.

There is hope!

Hi SWTE

I have spent the afternoon reading this thread and am truly in awe at your strength and courage, keep strong, you are in my thoughts.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts

Spandex...I'm nowhere near you either, but thanks .
Taxi...nope...no excuse at all. he's behaved in such a bad manner, treated me and the children with no consideration whatsoever...no way will I have him back. Had a bad evening last night when i felt quite lonely, but nothing some chocolate didn't sort out! lol.
Also, on a serious note, if I did take him back what message will I be giving the children? Teaching my son it's ok to treat women badly, and teaching my girls to settle for being a doormat. Not going to happen.

well my DS is 2.5 (iirc your DD is around 2??) i'm on the south coast, I know you won't want to say too much just incase or something, but can reccommend some good P&T groups, or we could meet for a coffee and let the kids play - DS is always looking for new girliefriends sorry I mean play mates (little casanova that boy of mine!)

hi swe - Phew! Just checking - as long as you can promise that if he comes back with the best excuse in the world - I was abducted by aliens for two weeks and that's why I couldn't be there - or I thought you didn't love me any more - or my mother is dying - you won't say ok that's alright dear.

Anyway, now the school year's starting, how about booking in on a course or getting involved with the school - helps to start September in a positive way I find.

Absolutely, you really have a great attitude to everything, considering. Pity you are not close by, or that dd2 went to school, toddler groups are always a good way to make friends. Maybe a college course in something you have always wanted to learn just for fun. You should be able to claim it back, or get most of it paid for, and you can meet like minded people with something to talk about provided.

Hi

Taxiservice...I don't need to call him - it's clearly over! Haven't heard anything from him for nearly 2 weeks now, so even if I was inclined, I wouldn't be taking him back now as it's pretty obvious that I and the children don't mean much to him. he missed DD2's first day at primary school, DS's first day at high school, and DD1's first day back after she had some hassle before they broke up in July! he also knows that the CPS were due to make a decision early Sept about exH, and he hasn't bothered checking to see what's happened or if I'm ok. He'd have some front turning up at my door now!
BandofMothers, I'm nowhere near you unfortunately. What I need right now is a good circle of friends to turn to, and get to know the me I am now, without all the s**t we've all gone through. We've been to hell and back and are slowly coming out the other side, much better people for it! It's his loss, not ours

Hello swte,
So your girls have been through hell and back and so have you. It doesn't get much worse than this. You need to put them first by keeping men well out of their space. They need space and only you can protect their space. Don't talk to anyone (except anonymously of course) their past - even if you think you trust them. It is up to them to tell whoever they want to tell when they get older. No-one else needs to know.

My advice would be to get their dog back, they need comfort and security. Their dog (or another pet) might make them feel better than another man in the house.

Call him now and tell him it's over. Do it before you get wrapped up in it. You don't need a man in your life right now and your girls certainly don't.

Hello Sleeping, i have often read your thread and have nothing but admiration for you. One thing you have not done is made a massive mess of your kids lives. You have done all you can to give themn a safe and happy life and you should be commended for that. they are lucky to have you.

WOW, what a bastard. <<Thinks DH isn't so bad>>> I am not actually married to him and do have some really good friends, we have been close to splitting so many times in the last year or so, and he didn't live with us for nearly 2 years when I moved out as finances were VVV bad. I was 3 mths pg with a 2yo adn couldn't take the stress. I am actually getting a little bit of a social life too, I hope you can find somegood reliable friends, they are such a comfort. My email is Bandofmothers@hotmail.co.uk. I live in Leicestershire. If I am near you you can email me if you want.

Can't believe your man friend treating you that way knowing what you had been through, good friend hey??

BandofMothers...yes it's definately true that having a choice makes it harder. I tried for 6 years to get out of the marriage, as he changed literally overnight when we married. But we were living abroad by then and I'd left my home, family, job and the kids' schools behind so I couldn't leave. he knew though that I wanted out, and we were due to return to UK, so he raped me and got me pregnant...he knew I'd never abort a baby so he effectively had me by the short and curlies.
How do i stay positive? Hmm...not sure. I've always been an upbeat person - glass half full type. But believe me there are days when i do nothing but cry. There are nights when I don't even close my eyes. But despite everything, what I do have is my kids, and they are such a blessing to me that I can't be down. Everyone else has let them down; I can't too!
There are times when I rage at the world, when I am short tempered and ask why me? But I'm here and all in all I love life.
(And anti depressants help )

I know, that is true. How do you stay so positive??
I have name changed before but never seem to get many replies, I used to be so positive too, I could bounce back from anything, but I feel so bogged down and useless at the moment. Sorry, feel like I am hijacking your thread. It's not that bad, I am just having a bad day, adn it's been dragging on so long I am just exhausted by it all. My girls seem happy enough tho, which is good.
If there was no choice I would act, but it's not like that, and I think having the choice makes making the decision harder IYSWIM. Wierd.

BandofMothers...why not name change? The advice and support I have received on here has been invaluable to me, especially since I have no one in real life to turn to. All I would say is that if I can do it, anyone can! ok, things escalated to such a level that there wasn't a choice - I just couldn't stay, but I'm a real wimp, hate confrontation and change and will do anything for a quiet life. So for me to take this leap...
But life is so short. You have to do what you can to enjoy it.

Hmm, trust me I wonder if I am messing my kids up all the time. Was thinking of starting a thread, but my OH knows my name on here. Life is shit and so hard, and I have no where near like your problems.

BandofMothers...thankyou . I guess if I was outside looking in I'd say the same, but from where I'm standing it just seems to me that I have made one massive mess of the kids' lives! Hopefully it is not too late to undo the damage - we are very very close and I can only hope that will be enough to get them (and me) through.

And no...we won't be told! lol

And it is NOT your fault that their dad chose his gf over them. That is his fault.

I think you are amazing and I am glad you have been able to get past all the worst of this trauma. I read your thread like this yesterday, and have just finished it.WOW.

I say take sometime to relax and enjoy your new free life. Don't worry about your ability to pick men, people cover up their worst traits until later on in the relationship so how are you supposed to know the real them?? It's impossible to, so don't blame yourself, and one day they will understand that too. Unfortunately that is something they will have to learn for themselves as we all do, cos we wont be told will we

You are inspiring.

Hi. Yeah I am feeling good about myself, and life in general and try not to think too much about the investigation and possible impending trial. What will be will be, and I just have to face whatever is thrown at me. My Dad always used to say 'don't worry about the things you can't change'...I can't change this so I will just have to go with the flow.

Buda...DD2 was a bit confused when he just stopped coming round, but she has stopped asking for him now. The older two haven't really said anything about it only that I deserve better. I feel so sorry for the kids - the older two must be thinking they can't rely on anyone (male wise)...their Dad chose his girlfriend over us, their stepdad abused them, me and their sister, and now even this one has 'abandoned' them...I won't have my children's heads messed with anymore.

Anyway, that's me off my high horse! lol

Glad to hear he wouldn't turn nasty. And glad to hear you sounding so positive. Are your DCs missing him? (I would kind of think not!)

lol at shaving your arms!

So glad that you are feeling good about life, and yourself. You deserve it.

lol at that one! Maybe you could find out if there are any MNers in your area for a meet-up? I hope you make friends where you are soon. I recommend dog-walking too (maybe other people's for cash?) as it is a brilliant way of getting chatting in the park! God luck anyway, nice to hear you are doing so well.

Meant to say shave my arm pits...not just my arms. I'm not that hairy!!!!

all relationships have a shelf life - this one was up, it was nice whilst it lasted but hey never mind. good to hear you are well.

Hi all. Just popped into the library again (thank God for bus passes otherwise I'd have to take out a small mortgage to pay for the bus fares into town every day!!!) so thought I'd say hi.
Still not heard anything from you know who...not in the least bit bothered and enjoying being single and independent! It's great...I don't have to shave my arms or legs if I don't want to, can get into my pyjamas at tea time and scrub off my make up, I can buy packs of 4 burgers/fish cakes/grills etc without having to have to think about whether he was coming for dinner and therefore needing a fifth serving.... Incidentally, I'm on benefits and he still would eat at mine most nights, then bugger off without offering to wash up OR help me with the shopping money. Hmmm....

not big headed, but you're right thou you do deserve someone better. honestly the very best kind gentle man.

Please please please dump this horrendous man.

You are an absolute star, and have been the most amazing mum. I think you should be very proud of yourself.

Dropkick this wanker into next week and please have some time alone with you and the kids and learn to have fun and laughter and joy in your lives before you even think about having another man in it.

Good luck and sending you loads of love through cyberspace

Hi, back in the library again! Spandex...don't worry, I know they're not all like him, and one day I will meet someone worthy of me and my children. I hope that doesn't sound big headed because believe me, I'm not, but I have learnt a lot about myself in this, and have discovered that I am a nice, decent, honest person with a lot to give, and that my children, given the right circumstances, will flourish. Fortunately I am an eternal optimist...bloody good job too methinks .
Buda, I have no worries concerning him turning nasty...he's not like that. In fact, I would go so far as to say he is too lazy and it would be too much effort. I haven't seen or heard from him since last Friday, so 9 days now. Not that I'm bothered, just surprised.

he sounds truly awful. he has no respect for you and no respect for your poor daughter

i'm so sorry your trust has been misplaced. they're not all like him - honestly they're not.

bloody hell as if you don't have enough to contend with, I know the mature thing to do would be to ignore it - but well tbh I think i'd have to go into the school and say something and then say something to the 'man' - pathetic twat, along the lines of to butt out and it's nothing to do with him what your business is. on your behalf.

god i'm outraged. anyhow.

hold your heads up high - and also tell DD1 to hold her head up high as well - MN as a community is immensely proud of all of you (without sounding condesending)

Hi!

God - he sounds like a plonker. Am so sorry you met another one.

Do you think he will be OK abut you finishing things? A bit worried that he might turn nasty.

Managed to snatch another half hour...anybody about?

Hi, no name change as yet as don't want to waste valuable library time on admin! Anyway, back to the saga in hand...something else I found difficult to get my head around is the lack of loyalty from him. He's told his mates all about what's happened to me and the kids, so we are now stuck with the 'stigma' of being sexual abuse victims - although I much prefer to see us as survivors rather than victims . And when DD1 was getting into 'trouble' with lads at school when we first moved, he chose to tell his teenage daughter, who is at the same school as DD1!!! I was furious that he did that. The last thing DD1 needed was to have all and sundry gossiping about her at a new school. I thought, and still do, that there was more to her behaviour and that it was down to the abuse...I haven't completely ruled out the possibility that she was also sexually abused by her stepfather, and this was her way of reacting to it. But instead of protecting her, my (then) bf decided to spread gossip!

How dare his mother criticise your mothering skills! Im outraged on your behlaf!

Sleeping - I lurked earlier in the year - but must answer your recent posts. You can't 'invest too much time' in your kids. There is being over-protective - but it doesn't sound as though you are remotely this, and encourage lots of positive and interesting things for your dcs. In the light of your recent past, I would not be criticising you for being overprotective, even if you were - would be quite understandable.

Find new friends - there are lots of places, and the school should be a good starting place. Don't get stuck in a relationship that is not right for you.

Best of luck

well done

you will make friends at school

Ok, am about to get kicked off now but keep posting. and thanks.

Cool, I'll keep an eye out for this thread then - or a new one announcing your brand new, kick-arse name

NO RUN RUN for the hills and never look back.

there are nice men out there - this one is not, this one's a controlling arse. and tbh sounds like his mothers quite interfering.

leave don't contact him again. how dare they tell you how to raise YOUR children!!!

oh and fwiw you're not a crap mother, you're a fantastic strong caring mum who's had a lot of shite to deal with and are doing whats best & right for the kids.

leave. - as you say DD1 has been left feeling unwanted by XH, so you knwo what u have to do.

Unfortunately I have no support whatsoever in rl...I know nobody really apart from him, and any friends I had were/are his friends. But I'm working on it...hopefully I will make some friends at teh school. But I can tell you this has made me soooo strong.

Sorry - cross posted with the others.

Once again - you are inspirational. Do hope that you are getting some rl support, as well as MN.

Good point Mango...I will do. Never even thought about it, but will have to think of a suitably uplifting one. My session time is nearly up now - you only get two 30 minute sessions a day - so will have to go in a bit.
By the way...DD2 started school today!!!!! She's only 4 and looked so cute. She's only there til 12, so I can go and get her soon. It was a wrench leaving her I can tell you!

Sleeping, I have followed your thread with huge admiration for all you have achieved, but never posted before. However, I just wanted to add my support now for you and to echo the previous poster.

You may well