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I'm in!!! Broke up a week ago because of dp's binge drinking. I go from feeling relieved to feeling devastated. Its hard isn't it but MN is great for support.
Hello ginnedup - nice to meet you. Sorry about your break up. I agree about the feeling relieved to feeling devastated. That is exactly what it is like for me too.
well my story my dp an di seem to always be at opposite ends trying our best to always meet in middle
i dont think either one of us are completely happy but we do love each other and our ds
we would never stay together for ds sake but i dont think we really know how we feel
or maybe i dont
dp can be so rude to me at times and doesnt think twice about takling things out on me which i know is always the way but emotionally its draining me and i lose something towards him every time it happens
ive become insecure and in return this annoys hell out of him
but when we get on we get on so what do i do battle on hoping we'll become perfect for each other although when we get on we are
always happens when dp goes back to work so i understand it could be stress as his hours are long and strssful
but i'm finding it really hard to deal with the stress every day arrrgghhh thats better
have thought about breaking up several times as sometimes things get so bad but then we talk and things go good and can stay that way for a while
i'm not sure are we growing apart do we love each other for what we had and our ds or do we still love each other
i keep trying to think about the future but feel i need to take it one day at a time untill i can think straight
Count me in. If I can help at all, I will. I'm waiting for DH to leave, he comes into a room, I leave it. He has got some leaflets about flats to rent AND EXPECTS ME TO ORGANISE IT ALL. But if I don't, he'll never leave. Arrgghhh!
Hi - can I join? My OH wants to leave me - there is another woman (no affair in the physical sense) they are just friends but he has admitted that they have fallen for each other. he still loves me and we enjoy spending time together but he feels something is missing. I keep persuading him to stay (we have a lovely life and 2 DD's aged 3 and 1) because I cannot bear the thought of being without him and still love him but he has hurt me badly and has taken all my confidence.
I love dp. He loves me. I have 2 ds's from a previous relationship and he has a teenage dd who I get on really well with too. The problem is that he is a binge drinker. He doesn't drink every day but when he does, he just doesn't stop. It all came to a head over Christmas when he drank so much he ended up pinning me up against a wall in a drunken rage (in front of ds2). I have tried and tried to put up with his drinking, tried to make him control it, even tried to stop him. We've had a session at Relate and are on the waiting list for regular appointments but after that incident I think its too late now. He's moved out, but is desperately trying to win me back, but he can't stay out of the pub. My emotions are all over the place - I love him so much when he's sober but on the other hand I hate the drunken monster he turns into. I know I have to be strong and not let him back or it will just carry on and damage my dc, but every day is a battle. There you are - I told you I'd rant on and on didn't I. Hope you managed to read this far and you haven't nodded off yet!
Would like to join. H is emotionally abusive and I really have to leave. He is upsetting DC (3 and 1) and the little one screams when his dad comes near him. He frightened them both yesterday (long story) and then denied it, blamed everything on me as usual and threw things around the room when I tried to talk about it.
I have tried to stay in own house (not any significant violence for an exclusion order) I never actually leaves when I ask him to and eventually I always back down (don't apologise any more) but somehow thing just slip back to their sad normality.
Today he is trying to be nice. Polite to DC's even offered to wash dishes (just looked in kitchen a few done mainly a bombsite)this always sets me back as I think ?maybe just maybe he is trying. I is all part of the game as things will be back to normal in a few days.
I noted some details of places for rent today and I have to phone and arrange viewing etc next week when H is at work.
I need support to stop me thinking of an excuse not to go. I have been doing this for a year and it needs to stop.
I am always going to be scared I just have to bite the bullet.
i think i'll pop in and out of here too.....i left my partner in October but didn't actually move out until December. i'm a bit further down the line than some of you so i'll hang around and give some moral support if you don't mind. and occasionally i may need some myself.
right now i'm in a happy place, i definitely made the right decision. i'm just finding it hard not seeing my son every day as we have shared custody.
it really is scary ending a relationship when it's 'all you know'.....but if you aren't happy then stick to your guns, work through the hard times and you will feel strong and more peaceful very soon.
hi all sorry to hear about all your tough times also
hard as it is i think in your heart if you know you have tried as hard as you can then its time to call it quits
if it stays the same its because were allowing it to
i think now i would rather be alone than feel like this every day
just remember nothing stays the same but we have to allow ourselves to be strong and in charge instead of always allowing someone else to have control of us
so maybe we all need to strentghen ourselves so we can think clearly
to those that have made the break you have done the right thing your not getting on for a reason and if you ahve seperated its the best for both parties its not love keeping you wanting that person its the fear of change and being alone
just remember this time the change can be good the balls in our court to provide a happy future for us and our lo
keep chin up i'm going to try one last time and see how we go and if all fails this time and it all goes back to how it normally does
i know in my heart i tried and that will be enough for me good luck
Contemplating breaking up too. Have 2 ds's and I too can't go on feeling like this. I don't make him happy and he doesn't make me feel happy anymore. I think we love each other but speaking for myself personally I am tired of it all. Just haven't said the words yet, 10 years together is a long time and it seems really sad . We've tried Relate and various other things none of it has worked for a very long period of time. Not sure where the kids and I will go as he has always refused to move out (the rented property is in his name). Thats what I find so scary, where will we go? Anyway I'll pop on this thread often to see how everyone else is doing and top let you know of my situation.
Hello everyone. So sorry to learn that there are so many of us in similar positions.
I dont know how I am feeling atm. On the one hand it feels as if nothing has happened and that life is carrying on as before, but on the other hand like I have ruined everyones lives.
Hi everyone, I've just booked my firsts solicitor's appt for a week on Monday to start divorce proceedings.
Mine is a long an convoluted story and I really don't know where to start in trying to precis it.
In short, the last 2.5yrs have been up and down, on and off, H had a mental breakdown and went awol for 6 weeks when I was 6.5m pg. Came back for 3 weeks, went awol again for 6 weeks. Moved in with parents for 7 months, came home for 3 months, went awol again few days before dd turned 1 and hasn't lived at home since.
Lost the business, lost the house. No support, very erratic visits (2 in 6m!), hardly any comms. has been a bit more "present" since Nov 07 tho.
Sold my safety net flat last year and finally moved into new place just before Xmas.
I'm 41yrs old, I have a dd of 2.3 and I work full time. This isn't how it was meant to be and if I'm honest I am pretty devestated that it has come to this.
Am hoping I can get legal aid but sol said prob not due to being a home owner now
this isn't how i expected my life to turn out either. When the ex and i decided to have a family we really thought we'd be together forever to bring our kids up. after ds arrived our lives changed so much and despite trying to work through things, in the end i had to leave. i'm really struggling with the loss of the family unit. at least my ex accepted things were over between us, which has made it easier. we are getting on well, everything i'm struggling with is the emotional side of not being a full time mum anymore i guess my situation is unusual in that dp is considered the main carer despite us having ds equally throughout the week. i'm rambling a bit, but i need to write this stuff down or i get over anxious.
this is the right thread to ramble sorry to hear all that going through it at the moment just remember your not alone and we can all help each other in some way
Hi PC . Good to 'see' you! I didn't ever think my life would end up like this either. I didn't get pregnant in my 20's although I would have loved to, because I wanted to wait for the right man and have a proper family. Well I waited and found what I thought was Mr Right, then he left me for someone else when I was 5 months pg with ds2. So when I met ex p I thought I'd finally got the family I'd always wanted. But yet again its all gone wrong. I'm resigned to being single for good now, I'm so tired of being let down by men. The only men I care about are my 2 lovely little boys and they will be brought up never to treat women the way we've all been treated. I'm right down in the doldrums tonight
Together nearly 15 years, two dc. Fallen out of love a long time ago but neither had the balls to end it.
Which is what I've now done. Told him I definitely want a divorce on Monday. I feel an overwhelming feeling of relief, but also a little scared, as queen rollo said.
queen rollo - I hope you are doing okay, I know it must be tuff re the shared custody but ds is going to grow and change and I'm sure (if your ex has half a brain) that the arrangements will change too and things will get a little easier. You are doing the right thing in that you are doing what you feel is right at the moment for your child.
bubblagirl - your post of yesterday morning is fab and very true.
g-up - am sure your boys will turn out fab having had such a strong mum.
Paddle - you sound amazing you have been through so much and given him so many chances, now it is time to do whats right for you and your dc.
popcorn - stay strong and hope you can take that first step - which is the most scary but also the most empowering.
well dp and i have remained civil last few days even manged a cuddle last night
hate it when that happens though sets you off on another whirlwind of confusion
if things get heated and nasty again then it'll be it no more trying only so much before holding hands up and saying ok ok i now know i have tried my goddam hardest
hope everyone else is feeling ok and hope you all have a good weekend or at least try to
i'm good at saying the words not so great at really taking my own advise but if it makes others feel brighter then there help will help me if that makes sence
i am sorry to hear that you are feeling really low mummyofaprincess its not easy
it becomes scary at the thought of starting again but would you rather be with hima nd be unhappy or be unhappy but know it'll all change for the better and it will
i know right now it probably dont feel like it but one day something good will happen and you'll wake up and feel the world is a brighter place but every day is a step closer
bubbla - i am exactly the same, am good at dishing out advice but not taking my own!!!
Am sorry you are both feeling so low moap and paperchain. There are times when we will all feel like this I think.
Am feeling a little bit like that myself at the mo as I know I have a huge mountain to climb but have only taken the first few steps. I know all the paperwork that I need to sort and decisions that will have to be made. I know I have to tell the kids that me and their dad are just friends now and no longer a couple. That one day we will be divorced and he won't live with us all the time. That part is like Mount Everest.
But, I know that once I've climbed that mountain I will be happy as I slide down the other side.
Ultimately, change is scary, that's why they say 'better the devil you know'.
But one day (i hope) you will be proud of how you've done everything by yourself and how you've raised fab dc without them.
Beginnings are scary, Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts the most. Remember that when you are at the beginning.
right now some of you are in a precarious place between the end of one thing and the beginning of another. Something happened in my life a few weeks ago that came completely out of the blue. I met a wonderful man. So my life is quite turbulent emotionally at the moment. Sad that so many things changed in ways i thought they never would, and optimisim and happiness at the thought of a happy future. I'm taking things very slowly with this new man (he lives 5 hours away so that helps!).......but i thought when i left my ex that i was destined for a life on my own. so for all of you feeling lonely and scared, there is happiness and laughter waiting for each and every one. maybe not as quickly as i found it (and i'm aware it might not last, so i'm being very careful about how much i invest in this blossoming relationship)......but eventually you will find happiness in whatever form you need and want it.
i'm having a good day today, and sad to read that some of you are feeling quite low......but i was there once and i can tell you it DOES get better.
I've done it but not sure how he is taking it. He says he really loves me and he wants to change I've told him I'm not asking him to change, I'm just tired of trying to make it work when I have no fight left in me.
He has asked me to think about it which I will do but I want it to end more than him but I didn't think it would make me feel so guilty. It would have been better to have a blazing row and ended it in the middle of a slanging match.
moosh....it wouldn't have been better to end it in a blazing row. in my experience it just leads the other person to believe that you said those things out of anger rather than really meaning them.
i feel incredibly guilty about being the one to make the break, even though my ex agreed that things were never going to work between us.
if you are sure (and i was, there was no doubt in my mind that i couldn't carry on with him) then stick with your instinct. it will be hard, especially if he doesn't want to break up, but it would be pointless agreeing to stay if you're just going to feel the same way in a few months time.
I feel guilty too but know deep down it is the right decision.
Don't feel bad because it's seems like you are the one with the problem, it's a problem you both have but you are the one with the guts to change it.
I do feel a little less guilty now as he seems to be getting his head around the fact that this is definitely going to happen and can see that yes, we have been unhappy for longer than we'd both been prepared to admit.
We have even been getting on a little better as the 'relationship' element has been removed and we are just friends now iyswim.
i dropped ds off at his daddy's on Monday, stayed for a cup of tea and we are getting on very well at the moment. We said when we split that we had become more like best friends than lovers and he's right. I just hope we can stay like this.....
Now i'm at the opposite end here, my dh left me and has been insistent that he doesn't want to come back (we have a 2.5yr old dd) we still slept together and he has admitted giving me false hope. And he says deep down he feels its the right decision to have made the break. Why does it hurt so much and its not just me i'm hurting for its my dd as she has seen me in such a state. I almost walked out yesterday leaving my dd with family because I felt I couldn't cope anymore. Dh thinks i'm a complete nutter and my mum physically laid into me so i've lost more than my dh but family members too. Do i just admit defeat and that my marriage is over. I really don't want to raise dd alone or even think that dh more than likely meet someone else and have another family.
TLV I have read your thread an my heart breaks for you. I was once in a similar situation and thought the physical pain of it would kill me. You need to let your husband go so that he can decide what he wants. I never thought my dh would sort himself out but thank God he did. Thinking of you and sending you cyber hugs.... lots of em x x
Can't post too much about my own break up at the moment, finding it a bit too painful to keep going over it.
(In short, been together with dh for 14 years, 2 year old ds, he sold our home, planning to buy a new one, but then walked out on us last Christmas saying he couldn't go through with the purchase and left us at my mums. Turns out he was having an affair with a 19 year old and left because she wanted him to. He has had a string of pointless relationships since then. Seems to want to be with anyone except me and ds. But won't sign the divorce papers because he 'doesn't know what he wants' Not sure I could trust him ever again. But can't seem to let go either. It kills me having to share my beautiful baby. I didn't have a child to be a part time mum I can't really believe he's taken my life, hopes and dreams away from me in such a heartless way.)
Here to support/help if I can. It's been over 12 months since we first split. Not sure it's getting any easier though.
In short, Friends Reunited!! More like old flames reignited. We were not married at the time. She got in touch via his siter, the bitch and passed to her her mobile number. He then finished it with me but I did some digging and found out about this other girl. I already knew of her as she had sent two emails to him and I had deleted them before he got the chance to read them. Anyway after a couple of months of sleeping with us both I decided enough was enough and if he couldn't make up his mind then I could at least make up mine and I walked. It broke my heart to do it as I thought if he really wanted to be with me then he would be so as far as I was concerned I was cutting all ties with him and would never see him again. I was happy to let him treat me like dirt you see just to be with him. After a few months he came back to me. It wasn't easy at first but we knew we wanted to be together and he had finally got her out of is hair. Your hub just needs to see what he is losing. If it doesn't work out for you at least you can say you tried your best. But please don't let him give you false hope. I am married nearly five yrs now and am pregnant on our third child. We have a boy and girl 18 months and 8 months. You can have a happy ending too but it may not be with your husband x x
TLV - I have similar tale to you. My DH left on 29 Dec. We have two DDs 3 and 5. He had been working away mostly, home at weekends and I think he had a better offer and decided he liked being away more than being at home. We would have been married 8 years next month. It all kicked off about 6 weeks before xmas and then that was it, he said the marriage was broken and he left. It is such hard work dealing with little ones, heartache, kids' back to back illnesses, little to no sleep.... now starting to talk settlement (or should I say e-mail). How can someone leave their beautiful girls without even trying at Relate or something. I must be better off without this type of bloke. I hope I find a true prince (as DD1 would say) as I need a good laugh and to get back my self esteem. Big hugs to all.
I met (not so D)P nearly 3 years ago when I was a single mum to my now 5 year old DS. We were so intense about each other, I thought I'd found 'the one' and he said he felt the same. I stupidly got pregnant within 3 months of meeting and we decided to move in together. Then the cracks started appearing - he would go out and get absolutely shitfaced and come home and yell at me. I threatened to leave then and he broke down and promised he would change.
Since then we've had our ups and downs (and a beautiful 20 month old daughter) but his behaviour has got steadily worse over the last year. He has a serious drink problem and struggles to go a day without a beer. He's either hungover or suffering withdrawal and has an incredibly short fuse. He snaps at me constantly and on one occasion shook me hard, on another picked up a dining chair and threatened me with it. I felt it was only a matter of time before he hit me. He suffers badly from depression but has always refused to seek help. He also contributes virtually nothing to the house (runs his own business and spends any money he earns on drink, maybe chucking £100 or so my way every now and again) - a year ago I had to get a full time job just to keep a roof over our heads.
On Monday we had another row and when he threatened to leave, instead of begging him to stay as I have in the past, I just told him to go. He went out for a few hours, and came back sheepishly, promised he would change and that he wanted to keep our family together. I said he would have to make a doctor's appointment to deal with the depression, anger and drink issues, and that he would have to make an effort to be at least civil to me.
Well, it's now Thursday and that hasn't happened. This morning he snapped at me three times before we left the house. I take DD to nursery and he takes DS to school. He stormed out with DS and then I heard this almighty yelling and f'ing and blinding from across the street. DS had committed the cardinal sin of forgetting his lunchbox. On my way to nursery/work all I could see in my head was his little face looking absolutely terrified and that was the final straw - I can take a certain amount of abuse myself but I will not allow my son to suffer like that.
So I've phoned him and told him I want him out by the weekend. He was eerily calm about it, and only said two things: 'when we tell the story of what happened, our versions will be so different' (like I give a shit - he can call me twenty types of bitch if it makes him feel better, my friends know what really went on) and 'don't accuse me of abuse, you don't know what that word means'...which kind of shows how far his self-delusion has gone.
Not sure why I'm posting all this really - guess I need to be reassured I'm doing the right thing. I'm not worried about how we'll cope practically - the house is in my name, and in many ways I'll be better off financially without him (more tax credits, council tax discount, not constantly subbing him £50 to go down the pub)...more worried about how to explain to DS and what to say to DD when she's old enough to understand.
Tonight we're talking about practicalities and I need to be strong enough not to give him yet another chance after he's blown all the others. I have a great support network and have friends lined up to come round and keep me company over the next week or so. In some ways I'm relieved that I've finally made the decision - but I'm also in mourning for the man I loved, and have to keep telling myself that that wasn't the real him, that man never really existed.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thanks...feels better just to get it all out...
hellsbells, feel so that you and your DC have had to deal with this.
really hope that tonight's discussion goes the way you want it to.
if you really want him gone and you're worried that you will waiver then just keep that picture of ds's face in mind as you discuss it.
good luck adn keep posting etc as there's heaps of people here who can offer support.
i saw divorce sol on monday, will probably instruct them to start proceedings tomorrow.
i feel like a shit parent at the mo. am in such a bad mood constantly and i know it's because i resent H never ever doing anything and me having to work full time, parent full time etc.
need to find a way to let it go and be less grumpy for poor dd.
We told the children yesterday. Ds aged 4 was ok but ds aged 8 broke down. It was heart breaking. At the moment I think I am the "bad" one as I broke with him and I feel my eldest boy feels that at the moment. But I know it will be better in the long run.
Ex hates me at the moment but my priority is the children.
I'll keep you all posted hope everyone else is doing ok in their own circumstances.
Thanks for your support everyone, really does help.
Well last night went OK - he was very subdued and really trying hard to be accommodating. Think he's realised how much he's screwed up and what he's lost. I was really upset when he left and cried myself to sleep, but today woke up feeling like a new person I'm sure there will be ups and downs but right now I feel like a huge weight has gone...all the worrying about what to do, whether to give him yet another chance, how we'd cope...all that's gone now and I know deep down that we've done the right thing and we just have to get on with it now.
I've explained to DS as much as I can and he's been brilliant - I suppose because his dad doesn't live with us either it's sort of 'normal' to him in a way. He said he was 'a bit scared' when he got yelled at yesterday but I made sure he understood it wasn't anything he'd done and that it won't happen to him again.
paddlechick - is there any way you can get a bit of time to yourself? anyone who can babysit for an hour or so so you can have a nap/go for a swim/whatever? it's so hard to keep positive when you feel like everything is on your shoulders Have you instructed the solicitor now?
moosh-so sorry your DS took it so badly, it's so hard for children to understand but he'll see a happier mummy soon and eventually he'll realise you've done the right thing. 8 is quite a sensitive age anyway isn't it?
baffy - thank you everyone keeps telling me I've done the right thing and it makes a big difference to know that however hard it is, I couldn't have done anything else in the end...
oh im glad ive found this thread, well not glad IYKNIM.
me and xdh split at the end of oct last year, we have 2 children a DS 11 (not biologically xdh,s) who also has AS and a dd 3.8 who is Ds,s child and who has CP and suspected ASD as well.
xdh was treating ds pretty bad and was being nasty and agressive to me so we split.
About 3.5 weeks ago i wanted to make another go of our marriage as i thought xdh had changed and he appeared to have.
but sadly no.
we went away on holiday 2 weeks ago and he came out for the 2nd week, he got ratfaced a lot, all my spends were took up paying a doctor to sort his very big hangover out (he nearly ended up in hospital) he brought no money, criticised ds in front of my family and slagged me and ds off to my sisters boyfriend who he has only known for 5 mins.
the kids were wingeing and crying througout the 2nd week and when my sister commented on it that she could see a big change in them since he came out, that was when i woke up.
now i am struggling to get him to leave, he says he has no money and nowhere to go. i am skint cos i had to borrow money off my family to pay HIS medical bill so cant lend him any.
the atmosphere is awful, i just want him to go and feel so stupid. DS will go ballistic when he leaves but i know its for the best.
Haven't been about much but wanted you all to know I've been thinking about you.
RL has taken over a bit and I've applied for tax credits and even arranged for h to view a flat today.
Things seem to be going ok and we are getting on as friends should.
The only thing I am dreading now is telling the dc. Am thinking of saying something like - dad and me have decided that we are just going to be friends as we get on better that way.
muthahubbard-thats what we told DS when we first split. that we both loved him very much and we would always be his mum and dad but that we got on better as friends, he came to accept it, i think he knows already whats going to happen cos on holiday he asked were me and his dad going to get a divorce and when i asked him why he said you have nothing in common and all you do is argue.
We told our two last night that mummy and daddy will get on better as friends and that they will be lucky as they will have TWO homes TWO bedrooms full of toys but as I said in previous post ds1 aged 8 took it so badly and then ds2 aged 3 cried because I think he saw ds1 being so upset.
My ex and I are civil infront of the children but he is understandibly angry and is very nasty to me on the phone when the kids are not there. I'm not bothered I feel liberated now I feel like I can breathe.
I have to sort out the money situation see what benefits I can get as I only work Saturdays and sort out the accomodation as he refuses to move out as the flat is in his name.
Thank god I have a supportive sis and her husband who have taken us in. I told the ds2's nursery teacher and ds1's teacher at school just incase they noticed any strange signs today.
All I know is that in 6 months time I will be sorted out, life won't be easy but I'll be aiming for a happier life with just me and my children (and in a few years time maybe a hunky man on the side .
Just want to say hugs to all, crappy time we all seem to be going through, I've now accepted that dh no longer loves me and isn't coming back, tho the shit did come last night and proceeded to moan on at me about work and other things (er we aint together anymore so go moan to someone else I felt like telling him) feel so much like my old self again and i actually wanted him to go but had stupidly made him a cuppa. Life is what we make it I suppose and I do have some nights out to look forward too.
Have to say I don't want to be friends with dh and am being very polite and calm now, just hope one day he realises what he's lost
Hi, Only just found this thread. My story is similar to a lot on here. Been married 9 years. H informed me a few months ago that he hasnt loved me since 6 months after our wedding. (Around the time I had our first child ) Apparently everything is my fault, though he cant give any reasons why. He doesnt see that he has to change at all, despite the fact that I could write pages & pages detailing his terrible behaviour towards me over the years. He treats me like cr@p, refuses to consider how his behaviour is upsetting to the dc & refuses to move out of the house. I filed for Divorce last week, then changed my mind because I refuse to do what he wants me to do & allow him to paint me as "the bad guy", "the instigator" He actually agreed to come to Relate with me last week, but has ignored all of the advice given. I really feel that he only went because his solicitor told him it will look better on him should we end up in court. Just need to get the f***g b***d out now!
jenk1 - that does sound a little sad but also a bit positive? in that ds seems to be understanding and accepting the situation and knows that you'll both be happier apart.
moosh - i have the same feeling of liberation but as though there's still a bit of a lid on it as h is still living here. we are getting on well but I know I will feel so much better when h moves out. Am sure your dc will be okay. Yes it will be upsetting for them as sometimes they don't like change, but they adapt amazingly quickly and once they see how happy you are, things will be better I'm sure.
TLV - i've followed a few of your threads and it's amazing how strong you are. Fair enough you've had some hiccups along the way, but you seem to have turned a corner. His loss mate. He will realise what he's lost one day but by then it will be far too late and you will be happy without him.
SP - Sorry but your h sounds like a bit of a cock. How can it be all your fault? Is he not in the relationship? It could be that he's just 'making an effort' for the sake of it unfortunately, so he can turn round and say he 'tried'. Yeah whatever.
H went to look at a flat yesterday and he's gone to have a word with the owner today. Fingers crossed he gets something sorted. It's been okay living together as we've been getting on okay - now the relationship is no longer there, we are more like friends. But, I feel as though my life and happiness is on hold until he goes. I know that sounds incredibly selfish!!!
I sat down and worked out my finances and I will definitely not be rolling in it but you know what, I might be poorer but I'll be a darn sight happier I think!! And, more importantly and fingers crossed, my dc will be happy too.
I'm a mess today. Yesterday I was doing stuff and getting the divorce process started, and then last night I was thinking oh my god this is 11years of my life thrown away.... and this morning the boiler broke and all I want to do is curl up in a ball until everything is OK again, but I cant because I have two little girls.......
I am relieved to be out of the marriage tho, and my family and friends are all rallying around, but it's 11years of my life, and it hurts so much......
Can i join this too I split up with exdp after 5 years before xmas even though i dont hes an idiot, hes now seeing a 20 year old, and im finding it so far to deal with it, any advice would be appriciated
feck it, just wrote a long reply to you svt and moap and deleted it!!
Was along the lines of we all have down days but could you imagine being so very unhappy for another 7/11 years? Yeah it's a big chunk of time but, and I know it's a cliche, life is very short and you only have one.
H and i were together for 14 years. One of the things that helped me make up my mind was that I couldn't go another year being so unhappy and loney, never mind another 14.
My boiler has been leaking for around 4 months, my fire isn't working and there's sumthing up with my bedroom light - and h is still here!
Could excuse to get a tasty workman in to fix things and leer over. Mind you, the guy that fitted my heating/fire was more a 'full fat coke and 8 pies' man than a 'diet coke break' guy.
Everyone has down days, but soon the good WILL outweigh the bad.
"Mind you, the guy that fitted my heating/fire was more a 'full fat coke and 8 pies' man than a 'diet coke break' guy. "
That made me laugh MuthaHubbard, first time today.
MOAP, people keep telling me and I utterly agree that the time spent in the relationship with H was not a compelte waste as we have two gorgeous children, and the same with for you as well. I just wish I could skip forward to whenever it is I'm over it him.
I'm not generally the kind of woman who gets very dramatic about true love and soul mates and stuff, but I did love him a lot and my friends have said they knew for a logn time he was a complete arse, but couldnt tell me to dump him as it was up to me to decide.... I never could see it you know. But sitting tlaking the past over with friends and fmaily, I've come to realise I was the classic text book abused woman, and I never did see it, he did everything one reads about an abusive partner doing and I never saw it. He was physically and mentally abusive, he tried to isolate me from my fmaily and friends, and tried to make me financially dependant on him, firstly by trying (usuccessfully) to make me fail exams (by picking arguments the night before I was due to sit exams or even the morning of the exam), and recently by trying to get me to quit my job but something just told me not to.
I remember aaaages ago I started a thread asking opinions about an oufit and whether it would be appropriate for work, as H wouldnt let me wear my combat pants as he reckoned they were come hither. Cod tried to point out that H was a twat (she never used that word dont think), but I never listened.........but she had a point.
How on earth can combat pants be 'come hither'?!? What planet is he on?
I had a discussion with my family before xmas and that also opened my eyes and confirmed that they knew my h was an arse and he had been for many years. Sometimes taking a step back and seeing things as other people do is a huge eye-opener.
I know it might be hard but you have to remember that he's no longer the man he was and you fell in love with, iyswim?
Of course you still have feelings for the old him, not the cock that he is now.
And I don't believe for a minute she is better than you. He was just not man enough to grow up and realise that he is a father and real life isn't a walk in the park. She just pestered him, talked a load of bollocks and offered him the chance to revert back to being a teenager.
And who would want a guy like that? Oh yes, a teenager.
PC i`m so for you. 2.5yrs is a long time and he hasn`t even tried
This is not what we wanted for our DCs is it?
I thought mine was the best man in the world everyone used to tell me, if only they knew he was a lieing cheating (bleep) mind you they still talk to him so maybe they don`t mind what he`s done to his pregnant ex.
He refuses to talk about anything, like everythings o.k and we can be friends etc etc
I've wanted to split up with partner for ages, but haven't been able to make the break. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and told my family about what he's like, and he's agreeed to leave cos at last he realises I mean it.
He has to sort himself out if we're ever to get back together, and I'm not sure he will. He was talking yesterday about how his life will fall apart, and how he can never come back to me anyway now my family know things.
He's already planning on coming back tonight, his first night of moving out - I'm sad our family is falling apart, but I can't tolerate his behaviour anymore.
I'm nearly 7 weeks pg (though paranoid after a mc, so not wanting to be too hopeful) and scared of being on my own with 2 young children. At the moment I'm holding on to the anger at the way he's behaved, but I think when he goes I'll be so sad. I'm already feeling guilty that dd will see less of her daddy.
Sorry to hear things are difficult for you at the mo ss - and it sounds like he's assuming that you are going to be there for him to fall back on, when ideally you want to be moving on with your dc and being happy.
Did you tell your h about the divorce papers PC or has he received them by now? He may be upset but you honestly couldn't carry on when it sounds like you've given him so many chances. Everyone has a limit.
MOAP - you are correct in that your ex is a knob. If he sat and thought about it he would realise how ashamed of himself he should be and maybe he's not told his friends everything because of that.
I'm feeling a bit weird at the mo. H and I have agreed to split and I've applied for tax credits (as I'm part time) and helped him look for a flat. But he's still here and I feel a bit in 'limbo' if you see what I mean....I plucked up the courage to end it but nothings changed.
And we've decided not to tell the children that we are going to split until he phsyically moves out to avoid confusion. Which is fair enough.
I want to move on and all of us be happy but just feel like I'm stuck.
Hope it goes well Weds. I find it easier to talk in that type of environment personally. You actually talk instead of getting distracted or arguing because you are in public.
fwiw, i think you've done the right thing telling your family. you will need all the support you can get.
it does change things tho and i didn't tell my family for a long long time as i didn't want their opinion of him to change. i was still of the belief that it would all be okay. my family still don't know the whole story.
as a very good MN friend often tells me, you will always have a relationship with the father of your dc. we have a huge role to play in defining what that relationship will be tho.
when their behaviour is so appalling to us they have control over us.
i am learning that i must distill as much of my own emotions out of the situation as i can. that way i can be clear on what i want the future to be.
it's taken 2.5yrs and a massive amount of support from good friends i have made here on MN to get me to this point. and i think i still have a very long way to go.
keep posting and using this resource to get yourself thru.
he is so erratic tho so i am going to try incredibly hard not to get sucked back in again.
he does seem more resilient recently tho.
regardless of how the evening goes i intend to present the divorce information as a positive thing. i know he will be devastated tho but this may be what he needs and what we need to draw a line and begin a new type of relationship.
having the sun shine is helping me stay positive!
i really don't know if i want him back or even if it could ever work again given what he has done over the years.
when he's good he's fantastic, when he's bad it's a nightmare for me.
Hope it goes ok on Wednesday for you PC. My H & I have had 2 sessions with Relate now. The counsellor is very good, & if both of us were committed to saving the relationship it would be the best chance we could have. Unfortunately H just carries on in the same way after we leave the sessions. Nothing seems to be sinking in. I think he is only going because he`s been told it will look good if we end up in court. Just got to get through another 4 sessions now before we can really move on by progressing to the Family Mediation. Thankfully the same person who does the Relationship counselling also does the FM, so it should make things easier. (Hopefully) Im just in limbo at the moment waiting till we can do the FM & agree a financial split, then we can sell the house & I finally get him out of my life. Im quite happy to wait 2 years before Divorcing. Its getting him out of my life (as much as is humanly possible where dc are concerned) thats my aim so I can move on with my life, WITHOUT HIM!!!
Thanks PC. Well he's gone, though hasn't really taken anything with him. I think he's planning to come round tomorrow afternoon for some stuff. He seems to have plans to stay some nights here... not sure about that, but we'll see. At least he seems to have moved on from self pitying despair mode into a more determined: "this is my last chance if I want to be with my family" mode. I hope it lasts, and that this is the motivation he needs to sort himself out. I think our relationship has been damaged a lot by his behaviour, but I hope we can maybe have a future together one day. Though actually at the moment I'm quite enjoying the peace!
It's horrible, this 'limbo' period isn't it? Ex has informed me it'll take at least 2 months to find somewhere to live and in the meantime he wants to come and see our daughter at our house. He's still letting himself in with his key which I don't like.
His behaviour hasn't got any better - Thursday evening his mum's boyfriend had a stroke so she was up till 3am in the hospital with him. She's a carer and works 12 hour days for not very much money. Friday night he was crashing on her sofa, took money off her and went down the pub with it, told her he'd be back at 8pm (as she had no spare key so she'd have to stay up to let him in and she was exhausted) and finally crashed in the door at midnight. His response to her telling him what an arse he was being was that he would 'throw himself in the river' - which was exactly what he'd say to me any time I criticised his behaviour. Emotional blackmail of the worst kind. His mum was round at mine crying her eyes out over it all on Saturday morning
But then yesterday he came over and we took the kids to the park and then went for a quick beer and he was actually really nice to everyone. He can be OK, but he still refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour or consider other people's feelings, and the more he behaves like this the more I realise I can't possibly live with a man like this. So while he's making me angry still and frankly I'm ashamed that my daughter's father is such a prize wanker, in a way it all confirms that breaking up was the right thing to do for my/my kids' sanity
for you hells, seems the only person he's thinking of at the mo is himself.
I'm hoping to have another word with h tonight to see how/if he is progressing with his flat.
He is saying that he is hoping to come round everyday after work and the majority of the weekends to see the kids. Which is fine in principal and obviously good that he wants to see them as much as possible. But there's this little voice at the back of my mind saying - well you'll be seeing him everyday, more or less the same as when you were together. He even said that I'd be able to make his tea and do his washing - I don't do that now because we are bloody separating!!!!
I know it probably sounds bad but I am splitting with him so I can move on with my life and be happy, yet he's always going to be there?!? We joked that when I get a new boyfriend, when he comes round for tea, h will be there at the head of the table.
Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead but I do want some of my own space and how will he react if I do start to see someone?
What total @rseholes these men are! What on earth makes them think they have the right to carry on as they please & we just have to put up with it. Where is your H staying hellsbells? is it where he damn well feels like at the time like mine? Mine refuses to officially move out, yet he only stays here 2 or 3 nights a week, as & when he chooses. MH, I wouldnt agree to let your H do exactly as he pleases, (or perhaps you should just say what he wants to hear until he moves out ) There is no way you should have to put up with him coming round every day. Sort out some sensible contact arrangements through Mediation if you can get no sense out of talking to him.
I know what you mean sparkle - but at the moment I admit that I am going along with alot because a) I do want him to see the kids a lot, b) maybe I am saying what he wants to hear till he moves and c) because I feel guilty as I'm the one instigating the split!
im about to go thru this any ideas how to break it to him with my 18 mo do i chicken it and do it by letter he's away so cant tello him as he has to drive back from london
but dont want to send her to nursery as he drives and i dont and i dont want him taking her
Could you tell the nursery that morning that no-one is allowed to pick her up other than yourself?
When I told h I wanted to split, we actually went out to lunch and discussed it properly as we were in public and therefore no shouting/argueing etc. But there was no 'taking the kids' option with us.
Is it highly likely he'll try to take her? Could you leave her with a family member/friend or arrange for them to pick her up early?
he's sofa-hopping at the moment - has apparently been offered lodgings at a friend of his mum's round the corner - am wondering whether i have the moral duty to inform this poor woman that (a) he seems to regard paying rent as optional and (b) he has a tendency to come home pissed and punch holes in the walls, or whether to keep my gob shut in the hope of getting him out of my house...
but MN is great for support. 
. 
) Apparently everything is my fault, though he cant give any reasons why. He doesnt see that he has to change at all, despite the fact that I could write pages & pages detailing his terrible behaviour towards me over the years. He treats me like cr@p, refuses to consider how his behaviour is upsetting to the dc & refuses to move out of the house. I filed for Divorce last week, then changed my mind because I refuse to do what he wants me to do & allow him to paint me as "the bad guy", "the instigator"
