My fiance (he proposed just before christmas) came to visit us new years day evening. He has been working very hard all over christmas and new year,, and is currently living in london(due to move down soon.

Iwas in bed with really bad flu, and my daughter was with me. He got in a mood over her not wanting a banana with her tea, then after telling me he was trying to decide to stay or go, I said go!

So he did!! Knowing how ill I was, and knowing that the following day was the 5th anniversay of my mums death.......

He sent me a message on the way home tellng me his life is crap and i make it worse!...... that he'd be gone for good soon, and then turned all his phones off for 72 hours!! I thought the worst! that because he is depressed, and nearly bankrupt, that he had........ you know....... done it! I was going out of my mind with worry , not sleeping etc! Oh, I am 15 weeks pregnant as well!!! I thought everything was ok!

Now I feel very cross with him, and that what he did was evil! He says that it wasn't, and why was i worried!? he said he was sleeping! pis++ed more like!

Help!!!??? (sad)

Dump him.

help!

aw honey that does not sound fun

Blimey - sorry to say this but he sounds extremely selfish but you have a baby on the way (assume its his right?) so give him an ultimatum - he either starts acting like a decent grown up or you dump him.

Sounds like he was very hurt when you told him to go (rather than realising that you didn't really want him to) and decided to punish you by going missing for three days.

I think you should have a conversation with him, and maybe apologise for telling him to go and explain that you didn't really want him to. And then wait patiently for his apology!!

And talk about how that is not a useful way to deal with any problems, better to talk about them. It is a way of escalating small arguments into huge ones. Point out he is not telling the truth when he says he was sleeping for 72 hours!

Don't give him ultimatiums and threats to dump him - this will just make everything worse (more escalation!).

Thanks guys, I know we have a baby on the way, but this isn't the first time hes gone funny on me........ but this is the worst,
my friends tell me to think very carefully about our future cause I have a house (with a mortgage) and a little business, and he is coming with nothing........... is love blind??

Ooo yes, def need to think carefully about your financial future. If you are not really sure (as much as you can be) you will stay together, then don't marry him. When is your wedding?

of course he's nto evil.

He's having a crisis. Talk to him, symnpathise

you know what I think?

I think that when he got in a strop and said that he was "trying to decide whether to stay with you or leave you"...

You were SUPPOSED to break down, tell him you couldn't live without him, you would do whatever it was, however best suited him and beg him to stay.

Instead you said "Fine, bye."

Which is the 100% RIGHT response to emotional blackmail, but not at all what he expected!

So he took off to punish you.

Now you are what he wanted you to be all along.

Afraid and confused and just wanting him back.

Or perhaps I'm just cynical.

no wedding date yet, no money!

he has nothing, and I am already stretched including lending him £1500!!

In fact, I have paid for most of our 9 month relationship!!

But I love him and money isn't everything..... ?

in case anyone thinks i am being flippant its because this is a friend of mine and i told her she would get good impartial advice from mumsnet.

you are bonkers

And this man is adding what to your life?

I think Hecate has him summed up pretty well. I'd proceed very carefully if I were you (speaking as someone who's ignored niggling feelings about who pays for what, "money isn't everything" etc in the past and then got terribly stung) and take every possible step to protect your security (for your own and your child's sake) in the event of things going wrong in the future. That isn't being mean ... that's being practical, until you can be absolutely confident that he brings equal value to your relationship (doesn't have to be money, but an equivalent amount of effort, understanding, practical help and so on would be a start).

What he did sounds terribly immature and he must have known that you'd be worried given his background. Worse, in many ways, is his failure to acknowledge the anniversary of your mum's death (which, I presume, he knew was important to you). If, as he claims, he was just "sleeping" (for 3 days WTF ! .... as if ....) and oblivious to thoughts of you chewing your nails to the quick (in other words, he really wasn't maintaining this silence as some sort of vengeful protest after your squabble, and truly believed no communication for 3 days was normal) .... then why didn't he send you a sympathetic text about your mum, or better still call you ?

You're expecting his child for heaven's sake apart from anything else !

Make no mistake about it, the point of the last 3 days was to "punish" you. Maybe not quite in the remit of evil but pretty nasty and petty all the same. If he's depressed, that might go some way to explaining his self-centred attitude but this sort of thing obviously can't continue - you will need to rely upon him once you have the baby, if not before. Fright at becoming a parent might also semi-explain, (but not actually justify) this unpleasant behaviour. Whatever ...... you should not have to put up with it in yiour condition.

Do you think this was a one-off, or does your gut feeling tell you you can't trust him ? Do you feel you can talk to him completely honestly about it (is he open to looking objectively at "issues") ?

If not ..... then you really must look after no. 1 (& 2, & soon to be 3). Don't relinquish any part of your security while you still have any doubts about him.

i would seriously question the relationship before marrying him.

not contributing financially is a BIG problem. it might not be now but imagine this scenario: he's depressed, he has declared himself bankrupt, he's living with you. you have to support him and your two dc's. i can tell you you will feel pretty damn resentful.

i've been in a relationship where i paid for most of things. when my ex did start earning more, somehow he was still always too skint to pay his half. in fact he still owes me a month's wages, and i was being paid less than him at that stage

What, if anything does he bring to this relationship?

From your descrition nothing but heartache, a childish attitude, a selfish personality and trouble! I think you already know what to do!!!!!

butterfli,

Love is definately blind in your case. You need to see the reality.

"But I love him and money isn't everything..... ?"
C'momn by saying this you're being dishonest, not just to say a fool to your own self. He brings you nothing but pain. When are you going to wake up?. You can choose to bury your head in the sand and ignore all the red flags re him - your children though have no choice.

"He got in a mood with her not wanting a banana for her tea". So if he can "get in a mood" for such a slight, what's he's going to do when something more "serious" re her happens?. Some stepfather for her he's going to be.

Butterfli,

And you'll likely never see any of that money you've lent him returned either.

butterfli, what if your dd turns out to wet the bed - let's say most nights, for years. It's stressful.

How will your fiance cope with that?

I go with Hecate. he is punishing you for standing up to him. At the moment you are being a door mat. I hope to God you don't think that being a whizz in bed will make him a good father or long term partner because it doesn't and so far you have given us no reason to think he brings anything else to the relationship.

thanks guys for all your suppoet! I am quite overwhelmed ..... never done this before!
We are now finished anyway. He then sinced threatened me with taking full custody of the unborn child and seems to think that he has paid back the money he owes me!!!! must have missed that one somewhere....... but at least i smealt the coffee!

Butterfli,

Thank the stars you've seen sense.

Re his threat, its an empty one again designed to frighten you and thus put him in control over you.

Longer term you need to ensure that you do not fall for someone as bad news as this ever again. You need to also work on raising your own self worth and esteem so as not to fall for such awful men - someone like him would have done that a lot of damage.

Good luck.

From what you've described, I think you're far far better out of it.

Once he sees you will not be controlled, I bet he'll bugger right off. Sad for the baby, good for you!

Stay around here, best support network going!

ok guys, a bit more food for thought... altho I think I know what you will say!!!
We have talked about him moving in but only as a house mate..... paying me the same as I would get from a student....( i need the money). the idea is that he would be around to see his child..... due on 1st of july.
could we really live together in this way? I have told him that there has to be house rules etc.............
or should I stick to students and let him make his own living arrangements?

DO. NOT. LET. HIM. MOVE. IN.
It is just another way of trying to control your life. Seriously, please, it is the worst possible thing you could do. Find a student - they'll probably be more helpful around the house too.

Terrible terrible terrible idea.

He would be the housemate from hell.

Do you want to be asked to account for your every movement? What would he be like if you met someone else? What if he tried to order you around? What if he started acting like he owned the place?

He probably wouldn't even pay the rent and what would you do? What if you wanted him to leave and he refused point blank to go? What if he started to argue with you all the time?

There are too many what-ifs, tbh. He's already leeched off you and threatened you. I cannot tell you strongly enought what a mistake I think this would be.

well, you did ask!

Thank-you so much!!!! I needed to hear that! I know in my heart I think, but I would dearly love to have a happy situation and decent relationship...... this is just a fantasy eh!? I guess I'm just really scared of doing it all on my own again, especially now mum has gone........ she did it with me last time, (was at the birth etc).

He's just trying to find another way of breaching your boundaries. The fact that he has already threatened to take custody of your unborn baby from you should alert you to the fact that this man is not to be trusted. He's obviously trying to use the baby to exert leverage over you - it's not because he wants to be a good father. A good father would never threaten something like that. Don't be taken in by him and don't give up your power to him because he'll only use it against you.

From what you post, anyone as you describe woud not be able to give you a happy situation and decent relationship.

You can do this.

Thanks Guys. x

I think he is being very manipulative.I also think he is probably depressed and possibly has mental health problems. Try to make sure you get the balance right between supporting him through what is obviously a difficult time for him and trying to solve his problems for him without recieving anything in return (I'm speaking from my own experience, and I may be way off the mark but something about your post reminded me of myself several years ago). As others have said what does he bring to the relationship?

please listen to everyone !

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Hi Butterfli - I hope you meant this thread?

May I say, that with the knowledge from your other thread, that he is an abuser.

You should stay WELL AWAY from him. DO NOT move in - it will be absolute hell (I have been there).

I think that if he wants to see baby once they are here, then he can do as per the rules for any other absent parent in that contact is on terms that suit the child for certain times at certain dates etc... you don't need to live together and PLEASE don't marry him - I married my abuser and it was the worst mistake EVER...

You can't cure him - no amount of love will help him; again, I tried - I failed BIG time. If he wants help to overcome his depression or whatever then he needs to see his doctor, he needs to put in the effort and he needs to do the work - NO-one else can do it for him... no-one.

I hope I haven't offended you but he really does strike me as an abusive and manipulative idiot... abuse doesn't have to be physical and he seems to be mentally abusing you. I have been mentally abused - it was horrendous and I am nearly recovered (after escaping 5 yrs ago!). Please be careful, and I reiterate from the other thread - don't put his name on the certificate

Got in a mood because she didn't want a banana with her tea? What business is it of his? Protect your children. You're all they have.

Butterfli

Re your comment:-
"but I would dearly love to have a happy situation and decent relationship".

But not with him. Not in a million years. He is completely wrong for you on so many levels and if you let him back into your life again he will make it miserable not only for you but for your children. Who originally thought of that idea of him moving in - him?.

I would also put any future contact with his child on a legal footing, no informal arrangements.

Also you need to examine at some point why exactly you chose him for a partner in the first place.

Certainly do not let him move in with you even as a housemate. This is all about power and control; he wants complete power and control over you.

Any contact he also has with his child should be put on a legal footing.

I'm not going to mince my words here.

He sounds like an utter knob jockey

Do everything to secure your and tyour childrten's future, and get the fuck out of the relationship (imho)

This sort of behaviur will only get worse over time (My cuntyfuckingwanking stepdad used to do this to my mum - 20 years down the line, they are separated, but she is bitter and he's still a cunt - I wish she's got out of the realtionship early on, I had to endure him throughout my teens - he was evil. He used to say he was a good husband/father because he never raised his fists Twat)

Thank-you all so much for all your replies! you have all confirmed what the sensible me has been thinking........ but then there is the weak side, when he gets in my head, that I wander if it is my fault!!
I WILL STAY STRONG AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM!
Thanks again guys. xxxx

It will be hard, but STAY AWAY

This man is destructive. Don;t let him destroy you.

Butterfli, you are a strong, solvent, clearly intelligent woman.

You can do SO SO SO much better than him.

I second the general vibe of the posts- he sounds like he would drag you down.

hiya! well i have seen the light!!!!!!!!!!!!! at last and with all your advise and help i realise that i am worth more!!! thanks again all. xx
Now all I need to do is sort out what to do with all his stuff!lots of books and fishing equip etc. altho he never moved in, it was close, and he had started bringing his belongings down from london. He says he has no-where to put it, (as he may lose his house soon through his bankruptcy) and that i cannot get rid of it because he has sort legal advise! I have given him 2 weeks/ one momnth...... and he still says the same! what shall I do? I fear he may get really nasty if I get rid of it! any thoughts?
xx

Legal advice my arse. You have no legal obligation to store his property - give him reasonable notice of a time to collect it after which it goes outside in binbags. If you think he might turn up in an agressive mood you can make a firm appointment for him to arrive and make sure you have someone else in the house with you.
OK you would be in the wrong to bin it all without giving him a chance to come and get it, but that doesn't mean you have to keep it indefinitely.

thanks madamez. x

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You are no longer together his problems are not yours to deal with, you have enbough on your plate as it is. Write to him and tell him he has xx time to move his stuff or you will dispose of it as you need the space for your new baby this covers you legally I think? (someone will correct me if i'm wrong) you owe him nothing, the reason he wants it to work is because without you he has nothing - literally and if he can manage to lose everything he owns what would stop him losing everything you own too, you have done the right thing keeping away from this loser!

hello! thanx lovemygirls.
Just a very brief update........,
I gave in after MUCH begging and gave him ANOTHER chance.......... he paid me back 1200, and 'lent me' 500.... (which he owed me anyway). He then told me on mon eve that I had to get the 500 back to him by thurs morn in london in cash!!! well, as u can imagine it was not poss!!!
since then there has been more abuse than ever and threats and eventually I called the police to logit. I have since had to log with the police again, as he phoned me and told me that i hadn't given him or us a fair chance and that i was extemely selfish and out of order not letting him be at the birth of 'our' child in 7 weeks! I DON@T WANT HIM THERE! he scares me! i told him i didn't want to speak to him, so he said he would come and wait outside my house till i did!!!!!!!!!! help....... am i being unreasonable?

YANBU. He is being ab absolute @rse.

Call the police if he comes hanging around the house.

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0808 2000 247 - Womens Aid. Ring them.

999 if he comes snooping round the house or does anything abusive again

so sorry you have to put up with this shit.

It does finally prove, if proof were needed, that breaking up with him was absolutely the right thing to do.

Thanx guys. and thanx for that womans aid no lewisfan. I've never experienced ANYTHING like this before....... and often wander if I am being selfish and unreasonable! Had an awful nightmare last night that he was outside with another man trying to pull my windows out! the police came and he disappeared, but then came back! I ended up having the baby in the FRONT garden!!! lying on sacks of compost!!! then this other man took the baby away, and I was distraught cause I couln't breastfeed!!!! am I losing the plot?????????????

No, it's just your brain trying (in a weird kind of way!) to process it. I always fall asleep with Radio 4 or the World Service on - that leads to weird news-related dreams a lot.

You are being really strong. Keep it up!

thank-you sea-bright!
I noticed today also, that on his msn...... altho I have blocked him, his message reads..... tapping fingers, just waiting....... glad I don't have to carry rhe bump!
is that meant for me? or am i being paranoid?
xxx

thank-you sea-bright!
I noticed today also, that on his msn...... altho I have blocked him, his message reads..... tapping fingers, just waiting....... glad I don't have to carry rhe bump!
is that meant for me? or am i being paranoid?
xxx

oops! didn't mean to do that twice!

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I'd have thought it was meant for you, but just ignore it, you're better off out of it.
I was with a guy like this once, 6 years 2 children and goodness knows how many calls to the police later, we split, best thing i ever did, just stay away.

thanx for your mesage vic, Tonight I feel like I am losing the plot!
I am SO scared of him, and S|O worried about having this baby....... I am having thoughts that i have never had before.......
I really don't think he will ever leave me alone! I am in bits..................... I want my mum!sorry if i'm being pathetic..... I KNOW, there are people far worse off than me! xxx

Butterfli you're not being pathetic, you're scared and hormonal and pregnant so you have a strong instinct to protect your baby which makes you're feelings stronger IYSWIM.

He WILL leave you alone, the authorities will MAKE him leave you alone if it comes to that (court order, injunction, whatever) and there are organisations to help you like Womens Aid if necessary - did you ring them?

The samaritans are also a great listening ear 24/7 if you need to talk, you don't have to be suicidal to ring them. Just pick up the phone if you need to.

Probably missing you mum and not having her support this time round with the birth and the baby, is making how bad you are feeling worse. Have you got a friend who can support you at the birth?

Sorry you're feeling so low, keep strong and it will pass.

How are you doing today butterfli? Reading through this thread has brought me up in goosebumps. I am so very sorry to hear you don't have your mum around for you at this time.

When is your due date - it's very soon isn't it? Have you told the midwife your situation? Who is your birth partner going to be? He's not going to try to barge in and be present for the labour is he???

You should be nesting and focussing in on yourself and the birth, making your home a safe and secure coccoon for you, your baby and your dd for after baby arrives. I completely understand your dream about giving birth in the front garden, it seemed quite logical in a bizarre way.

Do you have a good support structure in place for after the birth - friends and family to help you out with your dd? I am concerned that he will start being more of a dick at that time when you will be at your most vulnerable.

If you need extra help, could you find a doula to help during the birth and who could come round post-natally to help out and look after you? If you use a trainee then it need not be expensive as you only need to pay for expenses - they cannot charge (I don't think).

I really hope you stay strong, you've done so well this far. Keep going and keep coming on here if you need more support and chat.

hello, thanks for your messages cheif and rubles, I am so glad my friend mummylin told me about this site...... it really is a lifeline!
I feel very low still today, but will do something positive....... think I will call my midwife.......
I have taken advise and he cannot make me allow him at the birth, he has no right.... which I think he knows.
I do have friends, but I'm not very good at asking for help! perhaps now is the time to learn! thanks again everyone for your support, advice and messages. xxxx

When are you due butterfli? And of course he should not be at the birth - at a time when you should be at your most positiv and strong!

I am due on the 1st of july!!!

you know i am here for you.

Well done butterfli - he won't get full custody - he is a twat and you are an admirable strong woman.

yes he is a twat !!!!!

Thanks! I think I finally realise that now! just hope his son doesn't take after him!