Please, I don't need judging here, i really need constructive help. I know all the "right answers". I have become very close to someone else who is also married. We both really love our partners and know our relationship has nowhere to go. We both know the answer is to make the break and focus on our marriages, but am finding it so painful. Anyone else been through this and able to advise how they got through it??

maybe just focus on the alternative - ie if you are both wanting to stay married, think what would happen if you got found out. What would be most painful? Splitting up from your DH or this other guy?

You know there is nowhere to go, no future.

Is it possible to stop contact altogether?

Make the break. Make it properly. It will hurt really horribly but it is better than getting somewhat involved with someone, staying in contact with them and a year later still hating yourself and knowing the only way to stop it is to stop contact altogether. Although it would have hurt more at the time, I wish I had just cut contact altogether. Not sure why I ever thought we could stay friends.

Yes, possible (ie we don't work in the same location/live next door or anything). And I know absolutely that's the right thing to do. Just breaking my heart thinking about it, but the alternatives are even more heartbreaking. I know a lot of people will come on here and say what do you expect, but I never thought this would happen to me and am struggling to cope, just looking for some support.

Idris, sadly, I think you are right. Just wondering how I can face that.

some of us do not judge nabp!

try to end it now - it will be bloody waful for a while....it truly is the only option . the alternatives are unthinkable.
focus on the children if you have them and what they would think - if that would help tear you away from new man x

NABP, I so know the heart-breaking feeling. And I have no idea how to get through it. I managed to not be in touch ewith him for 4 weeks over the summer and although it was hard, I could tell I was a lot better, if that makes sense.

Sometimes feels like some sort of addiction almost. I am determined to be stronger though. Need to take one day at a time I think (haven't been in touch since Friday - wry ).

you're both telling me what I already know and dread. It' a rhetorical question really. I really love my DH and DCs, never expected to end up in this situation, and "he" feels exactly the same about his DW and DCs. We both feel dead guilty, both know it's got nowhere to go, yet both too cowardly to walk away. But know what we need to do. Thanks for listening

ah idris, already doing better than you! Haven't been in touch since a text on Thurs, perhaps I'm on the road to recovery already!!!

Sorry you're feeling so sad about this. I'm just wondering, though (and am perfectly aware that this is not an answer for everyone), have you and your DH ever talked through your feelings about monogamy? Because it's possible for people to have longstanding and happy marriages that do not depend on sexual exclusivity. A lot of unhappiness is caused by the myth that monogamy is compulsory for 'real' relationships, and too many people just assume that their partners want monogamy without ever discussing it.

love affairs are just like addictions

the brain thrives on feeling good and strives to get more and more

you felt that way with dh once and all tht has changed is time
you would lose those amazing rushes with new man after a time....but by then a lot more would be lost

its a shit place to be right now for you but you sound sorted and intelligent

try to wean off him. concentrate on what annoys you about him

See, you're managing to start off on the right road already .

(I do know it is horrible. I find myself needing to try and laugh at myself rather than cry. And I stay up too late thinking about things.)

Just focus on not feeling like this in a year's time. Now will be horrible but it will pass. Or something like that. I am hoping it will be true anyway.

thanks all, gotta go, DH coming upstairs, will be back tomorrow ....

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

How about thinking about his wife and children if you havent already. I have every reason to judge my h has had an affair and the fallout is huge, not just the two families involved but friends and distant relatives and also people from school and neighbours. I bet his wife is a really nice person (thats why he wants to stay married - of course), you will feel so much better about yourself if you know you have not hurt anyone - especially the ones who really do not deserve it both your partners and children.

I am not here to judge you though - but why not share your fatasy with your H - isnt that what you would want him to do if he was in your situation?

Knowing what it is - an addiction - is taking the first step, and i am sure it will not be easy all the time. But i do wish you all the best and hope you can find some way to do the right thing.

What is it you really want to gain from the affair - is it something your H could give you? Spice up your life instead with him. Have an afternoon off to induldge yourselves!!!

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Thats a bit harsh - she is trying to sort her head out.

I dont think she has gone out of her way to fall for this guy - maybe we should all lock ourselves up and not form relationships with anyone in case it makes us feel something we are not comfortable with.

Read a 'my husband is having an affair' thread on here and weep. Then text him and tell him it is a non starter. Then wipe his number from your phone.

I take it you can't just remain friends with this man, without anything happening between you?

Christ alive MadameZ.. Sometimes you seem almost normal.. and then [thud] there you are back on one of these potentially heartbreaking threads encouraging people to fuck around

How do you define ending an affair before before it starts NABP? Before you have sex with the person? You sound pretty far gone to me.. sex or no sex.

Don't torture youself about ending it. Just end it. Endure the pain with a brave smile on your face. It will be nothing to the pain your DH would feel. And then cherish him and the children and your family status.

Nobody ever said marriage would be easy. This is a "blip"; a hurdle.. get over and beyond it as quickly as possible.

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Real life's not that black and white though MellowMa is it, unfortunately. Married people are sometimes going to be mutually attracted to other people. It happens. We are human beings. It's how much they value their marriage and then what they do about it that matters.

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I can tell Mellow Ma (((hugs))

NABP my heart goes out to you & I hope you are on the way to recovery, big hugs.

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Mellow - sad for you
NABP - clean break NOW and get this man out of your head

Oh poor mellow - that is the trouble people do get incredible hurt with these things, which is why the poster is asking for our help. I am sorry you got hurt, i have been too recently.

I try not to get on my high-horse too much but it makes my blood boil to think that anyone can hurt someone so much.

I see it from the inocent wifes point of view (although i have been tempted in the past - but as everyone has advised called it off), and can not stress enough how much pain it has caused for everyone.

Affairs are nothing more than selfish and cowardly, if there is a problem in a relationship then you owe it to all involved to try and solve it, not go after some quick fix just to make yourself feel better.

I really hope the poster has more respect for herself and ends it.

Thanks to all who have posted. Especially MellowMa, not sure what to say to you except avoiding the pain you and others writing about partners' affairs on here have experienced is exactly what this thread is about. Neither of us want to split up from or hurt our partners & DCs. This isn't about anything being wrong with our marriages,we didn't go looking for it, it just happened. Madamez, I genuinely believe in monogamy, I have no desire to have "more than one man", hence being pretty shocked by what is happening to me. Yes, I am pretty far gone, keep telling myself that this is how I felt about DH all those years ago and that I am gambling a much deeper love gained over many years for something potentially destructive. I know what I need to do. Not looking for sympathy, just the strength to get through this.

You have the strength NAPB. Just do what needs to be done and do it properly. The strength to handle the aftermath will come.

Agree with ShinyHappy. You know what you have to do, but I can see it's not going to be easy for you, we're here to support you when you need it. I have a friend who was in your situation, and know how tough it was for her and made me see that not all affairs involve heartless selfish people. Good luck.

from the perspective of someone who found out her husband had a one night stand - I am not sure that I will get over it or that I will ever forgive him and I am not sure that I will remain married to him - we are trying to get through ti attending counselling.

We have three children and at present (some 4 months on) I am only working through this for the sake of them.

The heart ache it will cause if you do not find the fortitude to stop this before it starts is huge and ongoing and it will not effect onyl you and he and your partners

good luck and I hope you can find the focus to do the right thing

Agree with others that cold turkey is best. It's the only way that works, and it does work.

I have been in 3 different situations, first was a proper affair, never had the courage or strength do to the cold turkey situation, then changes in circumstances forced it, and it worked pretty quickly.
Second one was a sort-of affair, mostly emotional, I initiated cold turkey myself, it was very hard but the right thing to do, it worked well for me, less well for him.
Third one was very similar to you, this time it was him who made the break before it really started, and I was upset but after not very long at all was relieved he had had the strength and pleased nothing had happened.

(Wow, just read that back - I'm awful aren't I? Am v happy with DH now though, that's all in the past)

Good luck anyway, hope you manage it.

I am not saying people in affairs are selfish people as such just that the sheer act of it is selfish - this is not a black and white matter.

With regaurds to their being nothing wrong with either of your marriages - well it is not exactly what it is suppossed to be either is it - would you like to think your H was on the verge of an affair and still thought you 2 were happy.

I sort of agree with Madamez in that you do not have to be monogomous to be happy - maybe that is what you are really stuggling with. We would all like to think of ourselves as such - otherwise why go through with a 'forsaking all other' ceremony. But maybe you have now realised that you can be happy with more than one partner. Now if its ok for you but not for your H then that is where i think you are not being fair.

My problem with the whole 'affair' thing is the lies it causes - if all parties know about it then everyone has a choice of what they want to do. People in affairs lie to their partners because they want to control the situation and this in any situation is not fair and is often why emotions run so high.

I've just logged on looking for some support and seen your thread notabadperson. This weekend I found out that my partner of 5 years developed an intense infatuation with a girl he met on a work trip a year and a half ago. Although (i think) they never had sex, he fell in love with her (and delcared it) and had a great deal of contact, they met twice more over a period of about 4 months. I'm not sure why it ended - i think she was mindful of me and didn't have the same intensity of feelings. He also came to his senses I think. However, he is still in contact (through work) and still badly wants to rekindle the friendship as it was initially. Notabadperson, I feel devastated, even though I know it was akin to a teenage crush or holiday romance. I have seen a different side to him and don't know if I'll ever be able to forget it. I feel betrayed, and very hurt and now doubt the strength of his feelings for me even though our past year has been happy and loving. Please finish this relationship now if you truly love your husband. My partner also feels devasted at how stupid he was to let himself get so carried away. I do realise we are all human but fear our relationship will never be the same again.

Dahlia7, so sorry you are going through this, just confirms what I know I need to do. For me, and probably your partner, the feelings are totally out of my control. All I can do is take control of what I do about it. Like your partner, I am devastated that I have got into this situation. I know that it will be really hard for you to work through this, I sincerely hope you can. Will you be starting your own thread? It would be good for you to get the support you need and deserve.

Thanks notabadperson, somehow it helps to see it from your perspective! I couldn't say that it would never happen to me too. But I struggle with the thought that he could not control his feelings, and now I consider him weak for not holding back and respect him less for it.

I don't want to sabotage your thread with my concerns, so am saying this really so that you can really think about what you might want to do. It's so easy to say 'I couldn't control it'. it's your mind, your body after all.

I won't carry on here, maybe start another thread yes.

NABP - I know what you are going through. I wish you all the strength. in the world and agree that cold turkey is the best option. Also, deleting his mobile number is a good idea.

I have had one 'affair' (h was then dp), and one near miss this year. My circumstances are very different to yours, but I do understand the feelings you are having.

Please do find the strangth to call it off.

Excuse my crappy typing

NABP: fair enough, do what you think is right for you and your situation. Monogamy isn't wrong either, it's just not for everyone, which is why everyone entering into a relationshp should have at least one conversation about exclusivity rather than just assuming that their partner has the same views as they do.

I am not a narrow minded person.. but why get married if you want to sleep with other people????

Shinyhappy: well it is a bit narrow-minded, actualy, to sugest that just because a way of living wouldn't suit you that it is totally incomprehensible and wrong. I don't really want to hijack the OPs thread too much for a long discussion on why monogamy is not compulsory and monogamy free marriages are fine if entered into willingly - let me just say that I know open-relationship couples who have been together, apparently happily, for 20 years or so.

Ok. I'm open to the idea that you're open to the idea. I am a 35 year old prude I think

And I think NABP's got her input TBA!

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Mellowma: I rarely watch telly. But CSI is not exactly the fount of all knowledge about human sexual diversity, is it?

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Actually I beg to differ Mellowma.. Madamez IS indeed the font of knowledge re sexual diversity.. in fact SEX.. you say it.. she's THERE!!! It used to piss me off.. ... now it makes me laugh.

I think she's a professional dominatrix and she posts under her work name

(No offence Madamez)

madamez, it would be really rather interesting to see what would happen if you did start a thread on monogamy vs polyamory on here. Most people would probably stone you..

I find the subject interesting enough to happily participate in a discussion somewhere (and I am very happily married) but MN might not be the right place for it!

Mellowma, I take it that was a joke? the last place anyone should look for advice on sexual behaviour is a mythological text written by a bunch of misogynists.
Michaelad - well I have raised the subject before and it does seem to send the majority of people bananas, no matter how patiently one tries to explain that it's just a topic for discussion and no one is going to force them to sign up for the nearest bukkake club against their wishes, etc.

I too think madamez has a point - look how many unhappy monogomous relationships there are. Surely consenting polyogmy is better than betrayal on any level.

People in affairs somehow justify their 'non-monogomous' goings on but still expect to portray to their long term partner and society in general the 'happily' married image.


as for the bible arent affairs forbidden and forgiveness accepted?

PS I also like the tips M shares with us and have learned quite a lot too - to practice in my choosen monogomous relationship.

'the last place anyone should look for advice on sexual behaviour is a mythological text written by a bunch of misogynists. '
'
Well, I'd agree with this statement completely.

Yeah, read the Bible. Riiight. Commit adultery and be stoned to death. Great advice. Sheesh.

But OP wants monogamy. Why encourage her to explore further? She wants a kick in the butt to end it. She wants to hear about broken families and hurting kids, being uprooted at the weekends to visit mummy/daddy, she wants to hear about how to deal with meeting her now husbands next wife, after she left her husband, and her new romance decided he wanted something else in entirety, right?

actually monogamy isn't actually the order of the day in the bible either.
concubines, handmaidens, whatever you want to call them.

End it now. Delete his number and have no more contact with him or this is what will happen......

your DH will find out and be utterly heartbroken and betrayed.

Your children will be inconsolable as Daddy moves out into a small flat with only 2 bedrooms so the kids can visit at weekends.

Your DH would probably tell wife of other man and he would have to move out of his home leaving his wife heartbroken and betrayed and his children inconsolable.

The two of you get together but it is unlikely you will stay together because of the guilt and the pain you both feel and so you will split up too.

4 adult lives torn apart and (at least) 4 young children destroyed and you would just become another statistic.

Please dont do it.

Thanks to all who posted, especially collision and tiramisu whose posts hit me very hard (in exactly the way they needed to). Haven't been able to revisit this for a while, too emotional and just feel so bad for those who are writing about being on the receiving end, makes me feel like such a cow but none of this has been intentional. Thanks and bye.

just an update and a call for support... am doing my best here, have kept away from him for a month now. Breaking my heart, but know am doing the right thing for him, me and both our families

How are you and DH getting on notabadperson

DH and I getting on just fine, TheOriginalXena. Thanks for asking. We always have done and I reckon always will do. That's been the most shocking thing about all of this.

I hope this doesn't sound patronsing but well done NABP, you really are doing the right thing and you deserve some praise for it.

I was in a similar situation so I moved jobs to get away from a colleague who I thought I'd fallen in love with. 7 years on and 4 children between us, we are now back in touch and I really do not know what I ever saw in him. I quite often look at my gorgeous, kind, loving, intelligent, honest and generous DH and thank God that I didn't mess up the best thing I've ever had or could wish for.

To get to that stage I had to do some soul-searching and have some painful conversations with DH after the event, but it was worth it, and then some. I truly hope that you and your DH can rekindle your happy relationship.

Sorry, x-post, sounds as if you are happy with your DH. I suppose I mean the kind of happiness that comes from knowing that your realtionship is secure and not feeling guilty about your feelings for the other man.

Indulgeme, thanks for posting and sharing your experience. The worst thing for me is that I don't have a problem with my DH, love him as much as ever. Hence particularly shaken by feelings for "Mr X". There is no question of my wanting to leave DH for him, or his leaving DW for me. Just the most bizarre situation to be in. Both know what the answer is but so painful to walk away....but am trying

At the risk of sounding a) a bit weird or b) a bit psycho-babbly, I realised that my feelings for my colleague weren't to do with anything lacking in my relationship with my DH, but more to do with my feelings about my Dad (very Freudian, I know). It's hard to discuss it without sounding odd but my colleague really reminded me of my dad and his interest in me seemed to fill a bit of a void. It was more emotional than sexual (I truly do not hav any weirdo feelings towards my dad!!)and I am telling you this in case it rings any bells? Did the man you fell for remind you of anyone else? Or did your relationship with him meet specific needs?

Ignore this if it is too therapy-sounding and not what you need.

Have been through all these thought processes. thanks for trying to help me through it. "Mr X" is someone I've known a long time, got on with very well, then suddenly the feelings changed. Would always have said that if you can acknowledge such feelings, there must be a problem with your marriage. But absolutely can't see that. So have come to the conclusion that you can't choose how you feel about someone, can only choose if/how you act on it. That's the hard bit. Even harder, we're close enough to discuss the fact that we both feel the same way, about each other but also about our partners and children. Both know what we need to do (ie walk away) but both struggling.

I agree, and identify with the switch from thinking it's impossible to have feelings for someone else in a happy marriage, to feeling torn in half.

I think the most shocking thing for me was realising that I didn't love my 'Mr X', even though at the time I was convinced that I did. I'm not fickle or silly but I look back and see that I was misguided. I've concluded that my feelings, like my personality, tastes, beliefs etc will change and evolve throughout my life, but that my marriage commitment is a constant.

What helped me through my 'grieving' period for Mr X (I'm conscious that some readers who have been hurt by affairs will think that this is very self-indulgent) was to throw myself into enjoying my relaionship with DH. We went on a beautiful holiday together and have since ensured that we really make time to talk to each other properly, not just about the DCs etc.

I look back on my near-affair as a lucky escape, and I hope that you will feel this very soon too.

Am so pleased you've come on here Indulgeme. I fully appreciate that this thread might be offensive to those who have been affected by affairs, but at the same time, hope there is some understanding that it's not all about selfish people doing the dirty on their other halves. For me, i recognise that any feelings I have for mr X are sort of artificial, because we experience each other in a bit of a bubble without reality getting in the way. ie we'll never know really truly how compatible we might have been if we'd met outside of marriage. We're both pretty stable and sorted, which in some ways makes this easier,but in others harder cos we both know there is only one answer. We will walk away from each other, we will re-focus our energies on our marriages. But it is SO painful, the only reason I've come on here, tho fully expect some backlash.

Ahh, I'm really glad that posting here helps a bit. I think even just sharing your feelings anonymously over t'internet is a good idea, less intense somehow then. And it sounds like you may only ever have discussed this with Mr X himself, which reinforces the bond that you are wanting to break.

I guess all I can really do is sympathise with the painful aspects of walking away, encourage you that you won't regret it, and remind you of your no doubt gorgeous children who would really thank you, if as adults they ever knew, for putting their happiness above your own feelings.

Also, if you want ongoing support on the tough days, I'll find out how the CAT thing works and we can stay in touch.

thanks again. Only RL person I discuss this with is the man in question, which actually only brings us closer together, as you say. Sort of defeats the object of trying to walk away. Big plus for MN. Logging off now, thanks again, hope to pick up with you again sometime.

Calling IndulgeMePlease or any other sympathetic people....

What's up girl?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hi Madamez, thanks for coming to my rescue. Nothing "up" really, have just been reflecting on whole situation. Have not been in contact with Mr X for quite a while. We both knew it was wrong, so have walked away. We were good mates before, so am just wondering do I keep away for ever (unthinkable) or will there be a point in time when we can go back to being just mates again?

I think the point in time when you can go back to being just mates is when the thought of having any kind of intimate contact with him (ie snogging or anything onwards) feels odd, or amusing rather than appealing. It is possible to get to that stage - are there any XPs of yours that you are on friendly terms with but can't quite imagine that you ever saw them naked?

sorry, i had not realised that this was a post from a while ago, so my advice was a bit uneeded really. spologies.

i think that the only way you can truly get over someone is to never see them again, you could walk away for a few months and think your over him, but if you see him again your feelings could come back and then your back to square one. altho you had a good strong friendship with him, you have to think what would you rahter lose, his friendhsip or your dh? x

Madamez, that is an incredibly wise way of looking at things. Thanks

HTH. Got to go to bed now...

MrsStresshead, no matter that OP is a few months back, and I really appreciate your input. I know you are right. It's just that it is a great friendship that turned in to something else, and am hoping that one day I can recover the friendship, without the immoral bits, IYSWIM

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Have just come across this although I know it's from a while back. I don't have much to add to what everyone else has said, just that I know how painful this kind of situation is, especially when you didn't 'mean' to fall for someone else. I got emotionally involved with someone else before DH and I had kids. I went through a very long time (ie. years) of soul-searching and almost destroyed myself, my friendships, my family relationships in the process. I haven't had contact with this man for over two years now, but I think of him every day and regret the pain that was caused to all three of us who were involved.

You are being very brave and strong by knowing that the right thing is to cut contact and end what hasn't begun, despite how miserable it makes you feel. It is easier (in the short term) to take the other option and be selfish. I don't know you, but I wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way I did.

Me too, just found this. A lot of us have been involved in affairs from all sides - I was an 'other woman' and am not proud of it, I consented to a lot of lies told by him to his (wonderful and not torn apart) family, I didn't walk away, I always found it too painful and was a selfish coward not to do so. I was stupid and naive and believed he loved me - so did his wife, of course.

My feeling would be that there is something in you which wants attention, and like Indulgeme says that can be far removed from the constant that is your commitment to your husband.
You will need to find some way of dealing with that need, repressing it or taking some other approach - analysis for instance can often disarm a threatening impulse - I am amazed at your strength so far, and wish you well with your chosen course of action.

I do not know if I would have such strength but then I have never had a husband I loved - well any sort of husband - the man I loved who was married, left his wife and then left me for somebody else shortly after.
The worst thing about any of these situations was the lying, I think. I was heartbroken when he left me, nothing compared to what his original family must have endured, but a glimpse of their pain. I felt I deserved it. I didn't ever blame the other person he eventually settled with, and I didn't blame him for loving her rather than me, but I did blame him for lying to me and had he been honest from the day he met me, things might have been far less damaging for everyone.

Good luck x

nabp

I know this is quite an old post, but this mirrors the few details that I know about a relationship DH admitted to last week and I have taken a lot of support from the way in which you have approached this - thank you.

DH has got close to someone over the last few months. He assures me that it's been 'limited' to hugs, kisses and emotional support, which I believe - he is someone of great integrity (honestly!.

Interestingly I was reassured at first by the fact that they'd not had sex. Subsequently however I feel just as betrayed, because he has crossed a line. I have an excellent book by Relate which says that an affair is any relationship which stands to hurt the unknowing partner - whether that is kisses, full sex, or simply an emotional closeness with a sexual undercurrent. Personally I think you are being very mature to admit to it being an affair, rather than trying to say it's not, because it's not gone 'very far'.

I know that both DH and I have contributed to the fact that he felt unable to ask me for the emotional support he needed and which led to him finding it elsewhere. I know he did not seek this out. He accepts that he must shoulder the responsibility for crossing the line. I also believe him when he says that the OW is also deeply confused and didn't seek this out. It is a relationship that started platonically and became more.

DH has set up a meeting with her to break off contact whilst we try to sort things out at Relate.

You obviously know what you have to do and I admire you for doing it. I am trying to have compassion for DH at the moment, and for the OW and really hope that she is going to behave as you are doing.

Thanks to all who have posted and given support. I never, ever thought I'd find myself in this position. I am still so in love with my DH. I know "mr X" is still in love with his wife, and we have cried together about how on earth we ever got into this. So, for those of you who have been on the receiving end of an affair/near affair, please understand it isn't all about unselfish pleasure. Sometimes, it's just wrong place, wrong time and you meet someone who in another life you might have ended up married to. It's getting easier as time goes on, still miss him dreadfully but thankfully circumstances don't throw us together. i know also that I wouldn't want to risk my, or his, marriage because they are tried, tested and still solid. Not sure why I am writing all this, I guess cos I read posts from people whose other halves have had affairs. i'm just trying to say we aren't all bad, selfish people. Sometimes, it just happens. Anyway, thanks for not being judgemental and standing by me!

notabadperson, i dont see why anyone could judge you, we all do things we would never have expected ourselves to do, and you cant help what life throws at you. try and stay strong and im sure you will get through this, it just may take time xx

having just read through the last few posts it has helped me to see things differently so thanks to all the ow who have posted. my h still has to work with ow and i find it very difficult - i thought i could handle it and that time would help. They were good friends for a long time - years, and i dont want him to ever even like her again. I know i have allowed this contact and so should expect what may happen but i hate it. I cant understand how she can still work with him too though.
I wish i had been strong enough to insist on no further contact even if that meant sacrificing his career.
Be wary of the 'meeting' to end it with the other woman. I think it is a classic trait of men to be seen as decent. He owes her nothing and you everything. If it was me i would insist on going too as i fear it could only lead to more lies and you 'having' to believe him.

don't see him, don't talk to him, don't text him

won't stop you fantasizing though! but that's not totally unhealthy.
the closeness you describe is the breach of trust. Not the attraction.

I totally agree with madamez, but not for myself.
If that hapened to me severance would be the only way forward.

nabp you are right - it sometimes is a matter of 'another lifetime', not just selfishness. What is important is that you recognise how solid and important your marriage is, and that will help you move forward. My suggestion would be to try, however painful you think it might be, to investigate some of the issues in your marriage that might have led you to get close to someone else and try to work on those with your DH, knowing that this is to move you forward and make you stronger, not to work out whether to split up.

You are handling it brilliantly - I handled my situation appallingly and in a very childish way. This has led to a lot of unhappiness since as I have said. The pain of this will never fully leave you, but in a year, two years, five years you and your DH will be in a better place. At least you and the OM recognise this and are able to see the sadness and yet care and respect enough about one another and your marriages not to create carnage.

Good luck, and keep telling yourself you are doing the right thing.

NABP I had been wondering about how you were. I have now not been in touch with the "other man" for nearly 8 weeks and it still hurts, but I am so pleased I haven't been.

I am at the stage of wondering whether we were ever friends - I did think we were but am beginning to realise that maybe we weren't. I think that is the bit that is hurting the most. Which in some ways is good.

Thanks again for all your support. Know to come here when I have a weak/sad moment, much safer than turning to "mr x", which isn't the sensisble thing to do. You've all really helped me stay strong, your wise words make so much sense, no doubt I'll be back again sometime.

I've only just found this thread and am going to carry it about with me as am in same position and feel you are very brave to post on this. I HAVE got relationship issues with DH, but he doesn't as far as I can see, and they have small babies. I have to work with him closely for the next 4 months so am going to need to be very strong. I have been attracted to him for the past year and have spent much of it living up to my temporary nickname, as well as going to Relate, trying to revamp my relationship with DH, and all that. Intellectually I understand that I would be an utter idiot to throw everything away, and worse, to hurt his DW and their babies, but emotionally I am totally screwed. Before this happened I was widly judgmental and highhorsish about anyone who fell off the monogamy wagon. Now I am just messed up.

I think you are being very strong and you should be proud of yourself.

Unfortunately, I am one of the statistics in that it was me that had the affair (work colleage - still work together but will comment more on that later), I got found out by husband, was forgiven, re-started affair (thought I could get away with it - my excuse was that my H was not that bothered), got found out again. Finished affair. All forgiven, life carried on.

1 year later (and new baby) husband decided that all the time he felt anger towards the other man, it was in fact me that he felt anger towards and he didn't like me, couldn't forgive me and had to leave ... and he did leaving me with 3 children.

The other man still works in the same company, we still see each other around the office and sometimes I go out for lunch with him, just as friends (and that is honestly all it is).

We spent a lot of time together obviously and there is definitely a friendship there but nothing else (not on my part anyway).

He is still 'happily' married and I lost everything over the affair and am still paying the price today (6 years later).

H sees the children every week, takes them on holiday, etc. and has a fantastic relationship with them but it breaks my heart (if I think about it too much) that he doesn't want to be with me/love me/respect me/even 'like' me. I know I put myself in the situation that I am now in and this is the price I will pay for the rest of my life.

I still love my H, respect him, etc. but this is all too late for me now and I know I only have myself to blame.

My H does know this and says to me that he feels I will never move on emotionally until I can forgive myself for what I did. He has moved on, is now living with another woman (again, a work colleague of his but he didn't get with her until after he left me - or so he says - but lets not dwell on that).

The other man would quite happily carry on where we left off (albeit 6 years ago) but I would NEVER go that route again, even though I am no longer with my H I would not do to the other man's wife what I did to my husband - broke his heart basically.

I (nor my H) ever thought of telling the other man's wife because why would we split up their marriage just because ours was splitting (and, anyway, as far as we knew she might have known about the affair and turned a blind eye).

Reading all this makes me feel so sad. Bumblelion, I'm sorry things ended for you the way they did, but at least your H was able to tell you how your affair made him feel and do what was right for him. Mine is completely unable to discuss his feelings about the OM (even though it's years ago now), and although we have moved on in many senses there is still a huge gulf between us in relation to that part of our life, especially as I pretty much had a break down as a result of all that had happened.

I love him and am committed to him, but I often despair at us ever getting back on track, especially with two small children to contend with, and just feel that his inability to face up to his feelings and fully trust me with them will never be fully resolved. I also worry constantly about the effect of this unspoken pain on our children in years to come. Obviously we don't need to tell them, but I know inside that it's never really been properly laid to rest.

You do truly pay for the rest of you life. The guilt is terrible. And you never regain the person you were who was horrified at the thought of even looking at another man let alone destroying trust and love. I think I mourn her just as much as my relationship with my DH and the 'other life' one with the OM. I really hope you won't do that to yourself NABP.

what do you want him to do Emily?
Was it a long time ago?

Thanks to all of you who admit to having an affair. I am the wife who is trying to rebuild our marriage. He has said and done all the right things but i too still feel there is something 'unsaid' or unfinished about it all. I know i must move on too and i truely believe my h is so very very sorry for all the pain and hurt he has caused his own and her family. She has pretty much lost everything.

I feel i cannot bring it up all the time - even when i get angry as i am making him feel guilty all over again which is not my intention at all.

Anyway thankyou for helping me to understand that he can be truely sorry, as that is what i am having trouble with.

have been doing really well. Back on an even keele now. Last time we were together was September and both agreed to focus our energies back on our marriages and to forget about each other. That went reasonably well. Rememeber, we were really good mates before all of this. We now feel that we can meet up just as friends. Can this work, or should we leave well alone?

Pros and cons for whatever you do. Not sure what to suggest. Am sure others will have some ideas.

leave well alone -years before just friends

Hi nabp, sorry I missed your messages in November.

How are you doing now?

Hvae been watching this thread for months now and couldn't bring myself to post becuse this is me too. Never expected it to happen have a dh and two dc thought I was happily married and wham met OM three years ago. He is in a relationship too and we are struggling so hard with it, have tried so many times to walk away and it nevers works. Nothing has happened between us but it's getting harder for it not to.Feel so sad today about it and feel so god damn lonely which is mad.

Not expecting anything other than criticism here, but need to share my feelings with someone and it can't be anyone in RL. To summarise this thread: I am genuinely happily married and a lot of soul searching over the last few months confirms this. Feelings towards someone I've known a long time, also happily married, have developed and it's been hard cos both of us love and respect our partners. bottom line, have kept away from him for months. For all I've had a great Christmas with my DH and DCs, can't help feeling almost jealous of him and his DW/DCs having a wonderful Christmas together. I know that's unreasonable and wouldn't wish him anything else. Please don't rush in and criticise, just needed to get this off my chest.

mangomango, just seen your post after posting my last bit, have kept away from this thread for obvious reasons. In another life, I'd have hated women like you and me, now I know it could happen to anyone. Hope you're ok......

Hi notabadperson thanks for asking don't really think I've got any right to be asked how I am, feel so crap. But like you, have wonderful dh and dc can't believe I'm in this situation and still in it. We're really struggling at the moment and are both just trying not to think about it which I don't think is overly helpful. Haven't been in contact for two days which is a bit of a record for us. So hard... not asking for any sympathy. Like you feel so jealous of his gf spending Christmas with him. Don't know why I can't just be happy with what I've got.

When I'm having a weak moment, I re-read this thread as a reminder of what could happen if I don't stay strong and take strength from the overwhelming consensus as to what needs to be done. Really appreciate everyone's support. I keep away from this thread when feeling OK, sorry if anyone has posted/posts in future and I seem to be ignoring it.

I think you are doing amazingly well. You can congratulate yourselves that you have had the courage to search your soul before removing your knickers!!!! I admire women like you and frankly we need more of you in the world.

It is all too easy to expect everything we want. There are so many self help books saying we should focus on what we want and then just go for it. I tend to disagree in that although we all deserve to be happy that is not at the expence of anyone else.

I am sure it is hard for you but i really hope you can see this for what it is - a bit of fantasy.

Wishing you all the best for the new year.

Just found this thread today. I too am in an affair that I know I have to end. Besides the fact that I am 24 years older than him(51 / 27) we are both married. We have talked endlessly about the fact that we both know that this would never work even if we were both single. We agree that in another life if the same age and single that we would have been the love of each other's life.
We are in love and yet we know it has to end. We too have tried several times and always come back to each other. We have never had sex, however the emotional bond is overwhelming. It truly has controlled my life for the past 4+ months. I know I need to end this but I just can't seem to make myself do it. Could use some help!!!

Had been doing really well, thought I'd got over it and away from the situtation. Am struggling again, thanks to his getting in contact and saying he's struggling as much as I am . I need a kick up the