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Hi, married man of 40, gorgeous wife, 3 young kids (also gorgeous), sex life....a desert! Have tried just about everything to get things started.... candlelit baths for two, romantic weekends away, cuddling up in front of a good film etc etc.
Her libido seems to have headed south and i just think that after all day looking after the little uns there just isn't anything else left to give.
i was wondering if anyone was able to recommend some erotic fiction that may help to re-ignite the fire? i did buy "girl with a one track mind" which i know she looked at but described as pornography. Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, any ideas??
Or any other suggestions?
yes agree stop thinking of the sex side and start wiht the pampering, us girls love nothing more than the thougthful caring part of our husbands. I personally hate it when DH tries the groping/suggesting etc- by doing something for her shows you understand how hard she has it somedays and you're grateful for all she does . honeslty a little appriciation goezs a long way
(as does the odd box of chocs for no apparent reason or being asked )
what used to rock her boat when you first ot together..?
I would find a day to myself much more likely to raise my libido than any thinly guised romantic gesture...
The trouble is that the bath and romantic weekends away just add pressure on her to perform.
Tell her to go off and do her own thing..she'll come refreshed and who knows..maybe in the mood?
Havent done the spa thing but have booked her in to have a nails/done etc before so may be i can do that again.
Pipsqueak, yup she has said something similar, and she does get lots of unexpected gifts.
Kerry, will make more effort with the chat thing but...have tried before and she doesn't really tell me what she wants other than a rest & a bit of downtime which i try & give her by taking over the chores/kids when i get home. But she is a bit of a martyr in ways such as "i must mop the floor" "i must clean the kitchen" etc by the time shes ticked everything off her list she's tired or its too late. she just won't leave those (unimportant) things alone to spend a bit of time with her husband (v.important) which is getting to me.
Dropdead, hear what you are saying ref the bath, weekends = pressure. she has said that.
i try to give her time, but see my comments ref housewife martyrdom (i must clean this floor etc). She says that its important to her as looking after the kids and the house is her job and she like to feel like she is doing it well but it's eating away at me that she prioritises stuff like that that can always wait at the expense of some quality time to ourselves.
(Quite carthartic this getting it all off your chest stuff isn't it!!)
awww you do sound like a nice guy...i guess you have to convince her what great job she is doing and that every employee deserves time off..so does she
She seems to have told you what she doesn't want. Maybe you could ask her why she feels the need to kill herself with the housework. Is she avoiding you? Does she have any intimacy issues? If not, a weekend away without making sex part of the plan will help her relax and rediscover her old self.
Forget the pornography and the attempts to titillate. Trying to get her going with dirty books is a bit like trying to push start the car when there's no petrol in the tank iyswim. If she's anything like me, the libido is still hanging in there but well crushed under layers of domesticity and exhaustion. Can you manage a weekend away without kids? Or even let her have a day at home alone? That would help.
Yes. She knackered after looking after 3 kids all day and doing housework...then you want her to read a book about sex (making her feel pressured that she should be having sex with you). The book is a BAD IDEA.
If she knows the focus behind your efforts is sex, she'll probably pull further away. Women don't respond like we do. Make sure she feels loved, comfortable, cuddled and held but with NO expectation of sex and it will eventually return. You can't force it, though.
Hi mate, in a very similar position so you're not alone there! I hate to say this, but my own view is that there is no 'quick fix' like some of the suggestions on here (e.g. weekend away, night out together, day at the spa) having tried a variety of these.
I think the difficulty (and girls correct me if I'm wrong here) is that DW is (a) bloody knackered a lot of the time and (b) won't do anything to give herself proper down time to relax... in my case I've offered her days/ weekends/weeks away with mates/ together/ by self but she feels that she doesn't want to spend time away from DD (she also works part time so feels guilty about not spending all her time with DD). She also can't just chill out at home even if I'm out with DD for the day (came back on Sunday to find her cleaning the windows which had only been cleaned on the Wednesday by the cleaner!).
I suspect is that it's a longish road to figuring out what can work for you both and re-setting expectations rather than a silver bullet which will magically fix things.
cestlavie you are right. I'd be cleaning the house if DH left me alone for a day. Once the whole house was spotless and I'd tidied all the cupboards then I might have a rest That's why a weekend away would be better. But as you say I too would miss the kids. And it probably wouldn't be enough. There is no quick fix.
i can't believe there has been so many responses to this so son, thanks everyone!
i've considered all your advice & have tried to incorporate as many of your ideas as poss.
i will pack her off for a day at the spa, get the kids to stay at GP's for the night too. When she returns she'll find the housework done, a hot bath run, a glass of wine on the side (no erotic book though!) and me stood their naked (just in case) with a feather duster sticking out of my a* in case she spots something that need cleaning and a couple of chocolate doughnuts strategically placed about my person in case she is hungry. I will be ready to talk & listen!
Have i covered every base?
All good. Apart from the naked thing. Too pressurising You must look as if sex was the last thing on your mind. Even if it isn't. If you've done any good it will be on her mind which obviously is best outcome.
The reason there were so many responses is that so many of us have been there (are still there) from both sides.
JackRabbit - do you help out around the home without being asked and without expecting a medal when you do do something? Can you take over a task which is yours to do week in weekout (my DH does the ironing and puts it away)? Do you thank your wife for cooking the meals or making sure your home is clean and tidy? This to me is far more likely to get me in the mood than a sexy book or a weekend away. You sound like a great bloke by the way and I'm sorry if you do already do what I've suggested. I'm not sure how old your DCs are but ours are 5 and 2.6 and I'm only just starting to feel as sexy as I did before they were born. It will get better. Good luck.
Ormirian's advice re looking as though sex were the last thing on your mind is critical to the success of your cunning plan.
I have two words for you which IMO leave saucy books dead in the (bath) water - JoMalone. If these mean nothing to you then they really should .
I too would be decoking the kitchen/hoovering maniacally if left alone in my "home". For all the reasons other Mners have posted - guilt, exasperation, lack of time.
Best of luck jackrabbit
Make sure the house is clean, clean, clean first! I'd actually spring for a set of professional cleaners to come round whilst she's out... standing there naked could simply be explained by the fact that you didn't want to drop dirt anywhere after they'd been so it'd be spotless for her return home.
I'd also upgrade the glass of wine to a bottle...!
Also for me, having a good laugh with DH can get me in the mood (I'm not suggesting you do stand up (comedy that is!)) but a funny film, talking about things you did as kids, playing Pictionary, drunk Operation, something like that always reminds me why I fell in love with him in the first place and that gets me all a-tingle
All your ideas sound fab - but just wanted to check whether the cause could be chemical/hormonal - you say you have 3 kids - has your DP started on a new contraceptive pill or something - this can effect libido..
What used to work in the past Jackrabbit? Was she a 'long slow romantic build up' type of girl. If not, then you'll probably get short shrift (as I would) if it's too obvious what your game is.
And this is likely to be a very unpopular bit of advice, but what worked for us after an 8 month sabbatical was waiting until the baby was asleep, both being in a generally good mood and just 'pouncing' unexpectedly.
Do all the romantic stuff first anyway, of course... had to say that to avoid being lynched.
You have to be pretty sure the pouncing is going to be welcome I agree! Depends on the individual - my DW prefers a bit of spontenaiety and any kind of 'appointment' for intimacy would be way too much pressure.
all the blokes are thinking about ways of getting sex
agree with everyone who says the naughty book was a baaaaad idea, and doing nice things but with a "can we have sex now!" proviso isn't the way forward.
If this was me, I would appreciate a night off from the kids; a lovely warm bath; dinner made for me (or ordered in)... and a quiet relaxing evening with my husband. And if sex happens... great. And if she falls asleep after just a cuddle - she will STILL really appreciate the efforts.
Imagine this. You give birth three times, work an 18+ hour day, often get woken in the night, spend all day redoing everthing you did yesterday, spend all day being pawed and cuddled by three small incomprehensible but strangely adorable aliens, get told that part of the job that you think is important and satisfying (housework) is a waste of time.
At last bedtime beckons - some rest, some sleep, release. But no, hubby has run a scented bath and bought you some porn to read so he can have a shag before you go to sleep. Don't tell me - not only does she have to have sex with you, but she is expected to enjoy it too and deliver a resounding OOO or you will be hurt?
I suggest you set a reminder for when your youngest is in senior school - you wife may be ready again by then if you play your cards right.
jackrabbit - I really sympathise with you, and I think my dh would agree with you too!
Have you talked with your dw about the situation - really talked, rather than rowed/accused/put pressure on her to perform?
Try and talk to her about how you feel and ask her how she feels, but without pressurising her. Having different libidos/expectations of how often you should have sex is incredibly common, even before children are involved.
How do you behave physically with her during the rest of the time? I can't bear it when dh suddenly starts to instigate cuddles because I know what it presages. Regardless of whether I'm interested or not, it's nice to be cuddled without an expectation of sex!
It's a difficult subject for any of us to talk about, and if she is feeling that she doesn't want sex she will not want to talk to you about it because she knows how important it is to you, and how much she is rejecting you.
From my experience/understanding, it does seem that sex for women when they have young children is so low down their list of priorities that most men would be shocked!
Having said all of this, your needs are important and she does need to acknowledge this. If she is playing the victim/martyr, then you/she also need to recognise this. If you are in a position to organise a cleaner/someone to do the ironing, then do this too.
a couple of you asked to know how it works out... well last night after receiving flowers she had a 2 hour candlit bath with ripple & twirl on the side.i kept myself out the way to give her plenty of space.
It worked! we enjoyed a rampant 4 hour shagfest into the early hours!! Ok, i made the last bit up, but i scooped her in my arms when i went to bed.
the flowers, bath, chocolate bit is all very easy, ignoring the persistent throbbing less so! one day at a time though.
sorry if it's already been asked, but is she taking any form of hormonal contraception? No matter how low the dose, it can have a profound affect on libido.
Try stuff that is absolutely NOT about sex. Candlelit baths = sex, cuddling in front of film = sex, roody fiction = sex, weekend away = sex. Unless she is stupid and you are stupid you and she both know this so you might as well be saying "can we have sex please?" each time you do these things.
Instead, try offering to go to Sainsbury's, mopping and vacuuming and doing the laundry for the week, buying her and her friends tickets to somewhere fun, making her dinner, giving her a lie in, taking her shopping and then after a couple of weeks of this start with a meal out, wine, movie, massage and finally sex - and let her initiate. Women do know how to initiate, they just have to feel like it
Oh and tell her how gorgeous she is in a non wanting sex way ;)
I know what it feels like NOT to have any strength left for even thinking about sex, let alone doing it...
The only way this would alter is if I knew beyond all doubt that my partner didn't care if we were shagging or not...I mean, of course he has to fancy me but not mind if I'm too exhausted.
You have to partake in her work. You have to dive right in and do everything with her, be a real gent - no pampering necessary, just normal, hard work stuff, together.
The only problem you two have is that hyur preoccupation is currently sex, while hers is being a good housewife/mum etc to the best of her ability.
It's really important to her so try not to minimise it, but join in if you like...then she is most likely to join in with YOUR preoccupation, iyswim.
That's all just from my perspective. You need to be on the same wavelength and she will be watching you adoringly if she's anything like me, as you show her you care about the same stuff she does.
But to be honest, this guy loves his wife and obviously doesn't treat her as a slave, dogsbody etc,,,but he'd be lying through his teeth if he said it wasn't about sex at the end of the day. Yes he wants her to feel good etc but he wants her to feel up for it too...
And that's not a crime.
No. It's prefectly natural for him to be focusing on sex. But it's also perfectly natural for a dog-tired women with too many demands on her energy to look at sex as just another chore. Shocking I know but there we are.
I think that jackrabbit sounds like a decent sort of DH who really cares but 'at the end of the day' many women I know are too blardy tired and simply want to spend some time on their own with no-one asking anything of her. The only answer is to make her less tired and more relaxed on a permanent basis. Or it will be sex for jackrabbit's sake and to get him off her back (so to speak). And I sense that isn't what he wants at all.
Update..........well, am managing to do some of the things that you all suggested resulting in more downtime her for in the evenings.She's most appreciative and feeling more her old self, we've even broached the subject of pash although thats as far as we've got so far, talking about it, although she did let slip (after 14 years!!!!!!!) that often she prefers being licked to actual intercourse, ladies you have been most helpful so far and i hope you may continue to be so (and i know that this sort of thing gets discussed on here as i'v e read the "how to give a BJ thread!!!), so well ladies, perfect cunninglingus? how do i blow her mind?
Yeah, it's a bit weird for you to come on here and ask for tips on how to get off with your wife and what to do to her, jackrabbit as if she's some kind of lesser human to be manipulated by you.
Like Annie says the only person who can tell you what she likes (if she likes anything with you that is) is her.
My answer would be learn to take no for an answer instead of trying desperately to change her mind. She knows what she wants and if it isn't sex with you that's her decision and you need to respect it.
she needs "Me Time" before anything else. Let her have some time on her own or with friends first, no kids and no you. Let's say an entire Saturday when she can do as she likes - a lie in, shopping, hair done, even organising the shelves if it makes her feel happy! Don't plan/organise anything for her during the day and let her weigh up the options herself (although offer to pay ).
Oh the joy of having time and choices to do as you like! Then once she has had the day to herself, plan the evening with her and you - leave the kids with their nan or a friend overnight. She'll be rested and relaxed and will have somethign to talk to you about other than the kids. maybe she'll come round to hopping into bed with you for more than sleep and maybe not - don;t pressurise her. If sex doesn;t happen, plan another evening, just the two of you a week or two later and then I bet it happens.
is she having body image issues maybe, hence the lack of confidence/libido?
as for the tips on sex - sorry, you've got a tongue so use it.....to TALK to her.
It's very odd how this thread has been resurrected - but also how many posts you can find in this section, in fact across mumsnet, about this sort of thing, from both Men and Women. It would be great if we all had partners who had the same libido us us, but I am afraid it is one of those things where there is very little room for compromise.
I speak as a man who has not had so much as a hug for maybe 10 years, and has had to accept that, because I love my wife. I suspect that most relationships are like this, it is just a question of degree.
My advice is to make the decision about how important this is - I think that I have some quite unrealistic ideas about love, and what i expect is probably from a fairy tale. It can destroy you, unless you just give up.
Just one more for you- have you ASKED HER what she wants to make it happen? We don't know- but SHE might!
Sex begins in the head and for women their biggest erogenous zone is in between their ears.
For me,all the spas and treats in the world wouldn't work if i didn't feel my man was interested in me - and if he didn't offer some stimulating conversation.
It might not be the sex at all she has gone off- it might be the fact that you never help,cook a meal, take the kids off her hands talk about you all night long, don't ask her about her dreams for the next 30 years- whatever. I need a connection to feel like sex. Ask her if SHE does!
The thing is, sex is COMMUNICATION. it's not called MAKING LOVE for nothing. If you aren't communicating with her- which you aren't as you have had to ask us! - then how can it work in bed?
you sound great!! feather duster,brill! want my hubbys fone number to give him tips lol. im sure things will be ok,the advice given is all great,im a bit the same as her and would love my man to do some of these things,just dont pressure her,make her laugh,thats a great relaxer. good luck.
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