I just don't. He's 3.

I don't have the same instinct for him as I do my other child. I'm past caring if he has yet another hissy fit. I've never felt that strongly about him. Could be to do with his difficult birth.

It's not his fault, I know that. I'm not mean to him. In fact, I'm affectionate and give him lots of my time but he probably still senses his mother doesn't love him.

I don't know what to do about it. I think it just feels good to let it out instead of pretending to be the all loving mother. I can't be the only one. It's not a good thing I know. My DH is gutted about it.

very sorry to hear this
I don't really know what to say but didn't want your post to go unanswered

Oh darling - I am so sorry for you, what a terrible thing to find yourself admitting BUT at least you feel you can say it out loud which can only be good for the future.

I think the best thing would be for you to seek professional help. Go see your GP. Good luck.

Is it possible you have PND? I don't know much about it but it can get you a couple of years after the birth in some cases.

Or some sort of Post Traumatic Stress disorder after the difficult birth? Whatever it is, you need to see someone as this can only get worse if you leave it.

Well done for being able to admit it, even if it's only in cyberspace.

I think you need help too. If only for you to talk it through. You said he had a difficult birth? That might be somewhere to start: is there a birth trauma service at your local hospital? Agree with GP suggestion: you can ask to be referred to a counsellor to talk stuff through. Even going direct to Relate might help - they do deal with all sorts of family issues not just couples. They charge but adjust their charges according to ability to pay I think.

if you've spoken out now, why don't you consider posting a bit more about stuff if it helps?

Iknowitsnotnormal this must be really hard for you to say, but I salute your courage.

Perhaps you should speak to a counsellor or therapist, who may be able to suggest ways of bonding with your son. Or perhaps it may take more time.

Either way, it's good to hear that you still treat him with affection, even if you don't feel it deep down.

Poor you. I agree with the others - you could try to get some help for yourself. But you are doing the right thing by your son so far.

Maybe it would help in some way if you didn't think in terms of loving your son. Maybe if you concentrated on teh caring and the affection and the giving-of-time, you wouldn't feel so badly about this. And one day you might feel differently about the love. Agree, you shoudl look into talking this through a bit.

iknow there must be a reason for your feeling this way. you need the courage and ability to find out why and resolve it. hopefully the opportunity is there for you too, is your gp approachable?

i also think that you do love him very much or you wouldn't be even thinking of posting this.

Very sad to read, very brave of you to 'come out'. I read your post to DP, he's a mental health professional (and a bloody good one) who dictated the following:

"Hello, GPs are an okay route if you consider this is a problem you want help with, they may be able to sign-post you to an appropriate service (which would be something like a PND group run by HVs). However, their knowledge in mental health issues is invariable lacking and they will generally go through a GHQ (General Health Questionnaire) or similar before coming to the conclusion that they are not the appropriate resource for you.

If we assume that this is indeed depression, you could reference something like the Becks Depression Inventory www.ibogaine.desk.nl/graphics/3639b1c_23.pdf and although this is best completed by a mental health professional, it will give you supporting evidence that you're not just being "not normal". Ultimately the preferred course of action would be via the HV who are well versed in helping people with similar concerns. However is this is indeed an illness in the clinical sense, then the route may be through a psychologist. The route of access for referral to psychologist is via Community Mental Health Team referral following referral by HV or GP."

Hope that helps and good luck.

I had pnd for three years without really realising it and I felt exactly the same as you do about my second child. It was a difficult pregnancy with lots of negative feelings due to the situation at the time, financial and otherwise.

When I finally started taking the AD's (citalopram) my feelings for my DD changed - the only real way that I knew that I really had been depressed. All my doubts about how I felt about her disappeared really very quickly.

TBH, even if you don't feel that depressed it might be worth seeking treatment for depression - counselling or ADs. The ADs are not addictive and might be worth a try anyway.

I now have a very loving relationship with my little girl that feels 'right' IYKWIM.

X-posted with the previous poster.

Doh. Namechanged in case anyone on here knows me in RL and mis-spelt it!!

I will go and get help. Can you breastfeed on ADs?

yes

I'm going to have to get him to register:

"Point of order. GPs will always, al;ways reach for citalopram as their first line treatment of depression, this is because it is the cheapest on the market. Efficacy-wise in terms of efficacy, please bear in mind ADs will only improve your affect (mood) by 30-35%, if indeed they are suited to you in the first place.

Taking an AD is like going on a diet, I know that eating Special K will help me lose weight, but only as part of a wider weight-loss program. Likewise an AD will not solely "cure" a person's depression. If successful, then an AD will increase neuro-chemical activity ion the right direction thus hopefully helping you think more rationally / positively. But even then, they are a means of papering over the cracks until you can address these issues more autonomously."

He's also asked me to point out that he may have sounded harsh towards GPs and that those who specialise in this kind of area are usually excellent!

yes Setraline is considered safe. go see your gp, get an assessment of needs and likely get CMHT referral and cpn

Iknowitsnotnormal, I really feel for you. Some great posts here to point you in the right direction.

Interesting info from your DP Nocca. I really felt such a difference from the citalopram after trying all the usual things, looking after myself, a bit of counselling at gp surgery, etc. For me I would say that it improved things 90%, and the bonding issues 100%.

The only thing I wonder is that maybe it alleviates anxiety and maybe that can stand in the way of the relationship -ie, I spent so much time worryiing that something was wrong that it just got in the way somehow.
The difference in how I felt though about DD2 was just so immediate and different - it was a complete certainty about loving her that I just hadn't felt before.

PS, Obviously different things help different people, but hopefully it's good to know that it can be resolved even after quite a long time.

i would also concur with notmyself about the citalopram and those feelings. really changed things for me. I did love my DD, but had a v difficult pregnancy, for various reasons, physical and emotional. These continued post nataly. I felt I improved a great deal after about a month maybe 6 weeks of taking CP.

Just to clear something up-the reference was to citalopram and mood improvement only, not your "situation".

Of course, the situation you are struggling with may improve 500% with improved helpful thinking, but the long-term use of an antidepressant for what one would hope is an acute episode of blurred cognition is not recommended.

Ultimately,hopefully and probably obviously; you are going to want to deal with this without long-term dependence on prescribed medication.

Depression is a muddle puddle though, and all too often people think they've got their wellies wet.

Iknowitsnotnormal - great name - but you see it is very normal to have these alienated feelings if you are suffering from PTSD or pnd.

I had PTSD for ages and really I didn't bond with my DD until I had therapy about the horrific birth, and laid some ghosts to rest.

Now I just soar when I see her and I could jump up and down when I think about her - my heart sings.

Please get some kind of help - ADs and talk therapy ESPECIALLY from someone who specialises in post natal depression and PARTICULARLY someone who knows the EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)techniques for recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) [http://www.emdr.com/index.htm here's the website for more information on EMDR]
This therapy is amazingly fast and liberating.

You do love your son - your brain is recovering from a trauma and is doing it's best to sort that out first.

Please try EMDR as soon as you can - I was amazed how quickly and completely it worked. I now feel like a real mummy

you say you don't love your son but i think what you mean is you don't have a bond with him. if he was to die would you be distraught. if you would be then you love him of course you do. you just don't feel connected to him -there's a difference. sounds like pnd to me which probably came about cos of the horrible birth. please get the help you need by going to your gp. don't be ashamed - they've heard it all before.

i had pnd after my ds was born and had it for the 1st 18 months of his life and i just kept saying that although i was going through the motions of being his mum it felt as if i had'nt bonded with him and it was almost as if he was someone else's baby.
so i know how that feels .im glad to say that now i adore him

I know a lady - Patti Good - based in London who specialises in working with women across a range of baby/child related issues. For example, I know she worked with someone who had stillborn baby and when she became pregnant with her next child, wasn't able to bond with it. She went to some sessions with Patti, managed to resolve the underlying emotional issues and went on to have a fabulous birth and really connects with her child now.

She might be worth talking to. Her website is www.babyjourney.com

So sorry to here how you are feeling. There is an organisation called Birth Crisis that offers counselling/listening over the phone for those who have had a traumatic delivery. It can help mother's come to term with their delivery and move on as a traumatic delivery can often affect the bond between mother and child.

www.sheilakitzinger.com/BirthCrisis.htm

Properly me and not DP!

I would urge you to get referral to CMHT via GP or HV rather than try a private counsellor. I am sure they can be great, I went to one for over a year (long time ago) but felt that they profited more than me! Not that my counsellor wasn't lovely or helpful but you either need a friendly shoulder (partner, friend, family, counsellor) or professional help. From your posts I would check the latter first rather than run around to a load of do-gooders with an internet diploma!

Good luck this afternoon. For what it's worth, I tried all the lowkey suggestions like 'try to think about it differently' 'don't beat yourself up with guilt' 'spend lots of time with her' and none of it worked. I would urge you not to be fobbed off and try to get something concrete by way of treatment. Good luck, and thinking of you.

(Think I meant to post on your other thread about this.)

Iknowitsnotnormal -how are you?it took a greta depth of courage to write your post, and share very harrowing feelings. Deep breath well done

please see your gp, if you feel unable to talk or a bit scared take this thread Op. or write thing down

you must feel very scared and a bit overwhelmed. DH too, also scared, confused, gutted

take time to talk, talk and talk more. be candid let it out. seek the help that is available

there are options available eg CMHT Community Mental Health team are MDT of nurses, CPN, SW, Occupational therapists, psychiatrist skilled and experieneced in mental health difficulties

mental health is treatable and with the right intervention you can recover. it wont happen immediately, but steady incremental progress to recovery

Good luck