I just don't. He's 3.

I don't have the same instinct for him as I do my other child. I'm past caring if he has yet another hissy fit. I've never felt that strongly about him. Could be to do with his difficult birth.

It's not his fault, I know that. I'm not mean to him. In fact, I'm affectionate and give him lots of my time but he probably still senses his mother doesn't love him.

I don't know what to do about it. I think it just feels good to let it out instead of pretending to be the all loving mother. I can't be the only one. It's not a good thing I know. My DH is gutted about it.

Have you ever told anyone other than dh this ?
Have you had counselling r/e the difficult birth ?

Oh dear.
You are very brave to say this.
Not really sure what to say or suggest.

Do you really not love him, or do you just find him hard to be around sometimes? I have a 3yo ds who is into making stupid noises, picking his nose, singing the same songs over and over again etc etc. Sometimes, it's just hard to be around. I hate to admit that, but it's true.

Perhaps a good first step would be to contact your GP to arrange some counselling re the birth.

Bloody awful for you-but you are NOT alone, can't offer any advice but someone will be along soon who'll know about these things. If you've had a difficult birth then there'll be all sorts of issues tied up with that to stop you bonding with the little man. Have you spoken to anyone about it?(like GP or HV I mean)

Very brave of you to post about it too

Could you go and talk to someone about it, as he will be picking up on it. Poor boy. It must be horrible for you as well.

Not sure what to suggest either. Nobody can talk you into loving him if you don't.

Can you tell this to the hv ? They will help you access some support.

did you have pnd or do you think you could have and it wasnt picked up?

My friend had counceling about a difficult birth and found it very useful

Oh you poor thing. .
How old is your other DC? If theyre older, could it be that you have postnatal depression? Dont really have any advice, but please go and see/talk to someone.
Good luck. x

Please get to see your gp. I knew someone who went through this and she had PND (swore she didn't when asked), after treatment she now adores her dd.

Make an appointment tomorrow - and as humphrey says, counselling is also the way to go, don't just let them fob you off with tablets as 3 years is a long time to try to put right. xx

I don't know what to do. We're muddling through his rages etc. I told DH tonight that I don't love DS and DH just walked off, saying I need help. I'm abnormal. I wouldn't be mean to DS. I just don't particularly want him around. I'm glad when he's not here to deal with. But I've not felt that bothered about him since birth.

You can absolutely have post natal depression when your child is 3.
Admitting this is the first step. You can get back from this. You will be ok and love your child eventually. You will only be able to do this with professional help- go and say what you you have said here to your gp or health visitor.

My heart goes out to you. You are incredibly brave letting your feelings be known to your dh.

I also totally empathise.

My dd is 5. Her birth wasn't too dreadful by any means. I tried bf'ing her initially, and it was a living hell. I used to dread her waking up for a feed It really screwed the bonding process imo.

I do not have a great relationship with her now. I do love her, but I don't particuarly like her. And I am disgusted to say that I have told her that on occasion.

Can you have some time apart from your ds? I really think you need to speak to someone. I am positive you are not alone.

Take care. x

I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I don't. I can't admit it in RL. They'll think I'm a freak.

you have to get help because this is not normal or natural.

poor child is probably having rages because he is not loved.

go and see a doctor asap

better they think you a freak then your sons life is fucked up

they will know you want help ,you need some support

(somehow you have made two threads with the same OP so just pointing you to some more answers on the other one)

The hv wont think you are a freak think what they must of seen while working! they will be concerned but they will have seen something simmilar I dont think its as uncommon as you think people just dont like to talk about it

They won't think you're a freak at all. Your health visitor will have heard, and seen far, far worse things in her professional life.
Go and talk to her while there is still time to build a good relationship with your DS.

A health visitor won't judge you. As lots of other posters have already said, please do talk to someone in RL. Your dh is too bound up in this emotionally to be able to be objective about the situation, which must be hard for you all.
Did you have PND with your ds and have you had any counselling after your difficult birth?
How do you feel about your other child?
Three is a hard, hard age IMO.
You have a lot going for your relationship. You obviously care about your ds, because you are posting here now about your concerns.
I think you are a better mum than you say you are, and love your ds more than you realise.
I think you need to hear a reassuring message of this sort from a health professional, along with some extra support, in RL. Please make that appointment!

No one will think you are a freak, but it is highly likely that some of the feelings you have for your child stem from his difficult birth.

You are not a freak, and you are not alone with this.

Would your DH go to the GP with you, or could you write it all down to show to the doctor?

It is very difficult when a child is given a particular negative role in a family ie: the annoying one, the brat, the troublemaker. These roles can so easily become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Just ask for some help - it's out there.

But what's worse - thinking that someone might think you're a freak and then realising they don't they want to help you, or leaving it to so as not to perhaps be made to feel like a freak and your son / you / you relationship with your DH and other child etc etc, all being damaged by this now and for all of your lives?

Take small steps to dealing with this now.

This is the first one, build on that. Little, slowly but surely.

And well done for taking the first steps.

I don't think you are a freak, not at all.

They wont think youre a freak. they will empathise and help you.
What about phoning an anon helpline (sorry dont know any, but perhaps someone else can suggest one).
If you can say it out loud, it may make it more real for you, and its one step closer to telling your GP/HV.
But PLEASE do something. It isnt fair on you, your DH or the kids.
Youre not alone, lots of people feel this way, they just dont have the balls to admit it.
You did.........well done.
Now take another step.

you aren't abnormal finding a 3 year old hard to deal with

As everyone else says, you are not a freak and no one will judge you.

Obviously your dh is not going to be any help in the first instance (although i bet he will come around once you have been to see your gp!) so you really do need to go to see someone.

Please, please, please make an appointment first thing tomorrow - imagine how much better your life will be when you have help with these feelings, let alone when it's all sorted out!!!

Let me know when you have made that phonecall!!!

It does happen.
My friend told me she did not bond with her third son (accidental pregancy and difficult birth) until he was nearly 4. He was a very clingy, immature (babyish even at 3) child and I must admit I did not warm to him either.
It is entirely possible not to like your own child sometimes, and endlessly tantrumming little ones are hell on Earth.
See a counsellor. I would suggest you involve your DH with it at some point as he has to understand how you feel.
My DH says he took nearly a year to bond with DD because she was "alien, I did not know her. I had to work out her personality"...don't assume parental love is automatic all the time.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It is likely there are many other mothers in your area who experienced similar issues, you are not a freak.
I think the national childbirth trust has a confidential helpline, don't think you are alone, you are not.
You can only improve things from where they are now. Speak to someone who is trained to help, otherwise you will explode with self recrimination and the longer it goes on the more difficult it will be to sop the child's tantrums.

Kindness. Thank you.

How are you feeling today?

Not abnormal at all. Have been saying to dh for a few weeks that I am finding dd (3) quite hard to like at the moment (laregly because of hissy fits!) and am having to pretend to have fun with her.

Do you not love him or not like him as I am not sure that they are the same thing? Not liking is easier as I think if you pretend long enough you can get over whatever characteristics you have problems with.

Not loving is harder (I failed to bond with ds at all for many months after bad birth) as you feel your whole life is a charade. I second what others have said about it being a symptom of depression and the need to seek professional help.

Do you EVER have loving feelings towards him?

I find ds such hard work and internally I know I am very judgemental of his personality (it is so like mine!!). I had bad pnd with him and thay may be part of it, I certainly never had that overwhelming rush of love other describe when he was newborn

I have been thinking about this a lot recently as I am unable to have more children. I have thought it would be nice to have another child that I got on with better but I came to the conclusion that actually it is a blessing to only have ds.

I am forced to get on with ds and to spend time with him as he is my only child. I can't avoid him by using the other children as an excuse. This means I learned very quickly that during those periods where our relationship deteriorates I have to spend much more time with my son rather than less. This works every time to bring on more loving feelings though it can take a while (weeks sometimes).

If ds had siblings who I felt more loving feelings for I know I would have a much much much worse relationship with him.

If it's any comfort I don't think it's all that abnormal at all. I think that overwhelming amazing 'maternal love' that is supposed to sweep us off our feet and change the world is yet another stick to beat mothers with! Because if we don't feel it we are freaks and abnormal . Are you looking after your son, are you caring for him, are you showing him affection, are you treating him fairly? If the answer is yes to all of those, it strikes me that the only person suffering is you.

Believe me I know how you feel. I didn't love my DD for years. I used to sit and weep about it - when my DS climbed on to my lap by heart was overflowing with love for him, when DD did it I had to pretend . It was horrible. But I focused on all the good things about her (and there are plenty) and how proud of her I am and slowly my feelings changed. Even now i don't feel quite the same. But maybe that's normal too - they are different people. I still overcompensate a little I think.

Coincidentally although I didn't have a difficult birth with her I did have PND and was on anti-Ds for a while. And until that point I loved her to bits. It was only afterwards it changed.

Also I now do have very strong loving feelings for him but they took a lot time to develop.

Well, I feel a lot better today about it all knowing that perhaps I'm not a freak of nature. And that things can be better and I can get some help.

Last night, DH reminded me of all the things I've done / do for my son. e.g. I've been fierce when he's been 'threatened' by other kids at soft play, I've been upset when he wasn't well. DH thinks this proves I love DS. I would be upset if he died. But I'd be upset if my MIL died and I certainly don't love her. I feel so differently to my other

But I just can't say I feel that bond. To me, it's not a big drama in the sense that I just get on with caring for him and looking out for his needs because if I didn't, well he'd scream and shout! He screams and shouts a lot anyway.

I've got an appointment at 3.40pm at the GPs. I don't like my GP but he's the only one available today. I wanted to carpe diem so to speak and so went with this appointment. I'm very very nervous about speaking about this in RL. They could want to take him away or something.

Good luck, you may find that you have a little PND. Incredibly brave, which shows you must love him to sort this out.

They WON"T want to take him away. By your own admission you are taking care of him. Be strong and let us know how the appointment goes.

Good luck. Hope you get some help.

That's great news - also that your dh is also telling you that by actions you show your protectiveness and bond with your ds .
I do hope the GP confounds expectations and turns out to be supportive and helpful.
Please let us know how you got on!

Oh well done - and no, of course they won't take him away! (remember i had the very same thoughts when i had PND with dd - although then i thought they would take me away!!!).

Go and see what that GP has to say and how he can help. If you are not completely satisfied make another app with another doctor when you are leaving.

I shall keep an eye out for your post this afternoon - sending you lots of hugs and good luck wishes

They won't take him away as he is loved by his dad and looked after well by you. It does sound like you have some attachment problems probably exacerbated or caused by the difficult birth. You are doing the right thing by getting help. If you left this and did not deal with it, your ds would suffer in the long run. A parent's indifference to a child is a very damaging thing long term. Aside from your feelings (or lack of) for your ds, how do you feel otherwise? Do you derive pleasure from life? If not depressed, you might find therapy useful. GPs are not always great resources for the latter, so you might need to shop around yourself and do some research. Good luck and I really hope things improve for yours and your son's sake.

Good luck with the docs. You have been very brave already, by talking about how you feel on here.

I find my 3-yr-old difficult to like sometimes, and tbh I always have. I 'click' with her little sis much more easily.

Don't worry, there is no way on earth they will want to take him away from you.

I'm pretty sure your GP will recognise it as a possible sign of pnd or post-birth trauma (tell him about the birth too).

Also maybe your DH has a point. maybe you do love DS, but it's deep down and you can't feel it because of other factors, such as pnd etc., or the daily difficulties you have with him. So this could be a journey towards finding it, instead of just having to admit to something horrible IYSWIM. If it helps you could say to the GP "of course I must love him but I just don't feel it, I find it hard to feel anything for him" etc.

Good luck seeing the GP. Wish I could send stout supporting arms for you!
Once you have got help I wonder if the sort of play adoptive families do to build strong attachments with their little ones would help you feel more confident of your love?
Best wishes Magso

Well done you , you obviously love him very much to do this for him.
I hope the doctor can give you the support you need.

Well done for making the appointment with the GP.
I hope it goes well.

Iknowitsnotnormal, THANKYOU for starting this thread. I know the incredible courage it must have taken as I have many times thought about starting a similar thread myself but have just not had the guts. I have read through most of the comments you have received and they have been very helpful to me. I do admit sometimes I am confused about how I do really feel about my DD who is nearly 5. Sometimes I definately don't like her and find her very very difficult to be around for any length of time. I am going to be brave and admit that at times I just find her boring, she talks nonstop and having to listen to her going on and on is soul destroying for me. Sometimes I feel like she is literally draining the life out of me with her nonstop talking.

Sorry think I'm going off at a tangent now.

But to get back to the point, for ages I was willing to admit to myself that I didn't like DD quite often but that I definately did love her. But just the other day I suddenly thought to myself, that's just not true. I don't love her, nor do i hate her, I just feel indifferent towards her, numb even. And that numb feeling was there throughout the whole pregnancy, at the birth, and ever since. I didn't have a difficult birth, but the pregnancy was very negative with my DH being unemployed for most of it, me being in a job I hated, and lots of other problems. The pregnancy itself was a shock and was unplanned. I also secretly was desperate for a boy not a girl. I didn't bond with DD whilst pregnant nor after the birth.

I have always done my best for her, looked after her, played with her etc, but it was all pretending and it still is as I feel nothing inside for her.

What makes it worse is that I also have DS who is 2 and I am absolutely besotted with him and have been since he was born and I think I formed an attachment to him when i was pregnant and found out at the scan that he was a boy.

I will be very interested to find out what your GP says. I know I'm not depressed, I am happy in every other way, I just seem to have no feelings whatsover for DD. I did not have a happy childhood myself and was never close to my own mother and I am seeing a counsellor about this who has helped loads. But resolving my own feelings about my mother do not seem to have helped improve my feelings about my DD as I thought they might.

Sorry for rambling and a bit of a thread hijack as well, when i saw your thread there was so much i wanted to say, i couldn't stop typing once I'd started.

Please post again after your appointment, if your GP is positive I might go and see my GP as well.

Just a few more points, I saw a programme on tv a while ago called 'Help Me Love My Baby' and it was about this whole issue. It featured about 3 mums all of whom bravely admitted on tv that they didn't love their babies. They all had therapy at a place called The Anna Freud Centre and for all of them their feelings towards their babies were closely connected to their relationships with their own mothers, all of which were unhappy and dysfunctional.

I still feel this way about my 7year old daughter.
I love her, I would be heartbroekn if anything happened to her but I never bonded with her the way I did my sons, it really hurts me, simple things like kissing ehr good night, I go and check on her and give her a kiss, but don't get the overwhelming need to squeeze her tight like I do the boys.
Sadly, I think our relationship wil always be different, I just hope I do a good enoguh job of raising her and showing her I do love her, just find it difficult.

I too have difficulties with my first child.
It isnt that I dont feel anything for her, I just find it very hard. My younger DD is a delight who makes us laugh all the time. DD1 is a serious child who fusses and worries all the time. We seem to do nothing but argue over stupid trivial stuff. She is 8 now. I really worry that she knows how hard I find it and if it makes her worse. She has started to come up to me with her arms outstretched for a cuddle. It just make me want to push her away. Which to my shame I often do.. I am a good mum in so many other ways but she brings out the worst in me.

Anyway sorry, I just wanted to help you be aware that you are most certainly not a freak. It is a normal part of human behaviour.
I hope your visit with the GP gets you on the right path for you and your DD.

ronshar, i know about the pushing away when DD comes for a cuddle, i sometimes tell her I am too busy but DS i could cuddle all day. I worry DD can sense the difference in my feelings (or lack thereof) for her and DS, but try as i might i simply cannot seem to dredge up any real feeling for her. Sometimes I almost feel like she is not actually my daughter and that i am looking after her for someone else

Oneplusone.

Iknowitsnotnormal, I have been feeling like this too with ds1 and sometimes, the feeling is still the same. That I don't love him as much as I do ds2.
All this started when I had PND after his birth. But the feelings have nothing to do with PND. This has gone long ago but this feeling that he is more difficult, that he is demanding this and that stayed there.
But this situation can change. It can be hard work and it will take some time but I know I managed to improve our relationship big style. The first big step for me was when I could feel there was this little something there when I said good night to him one evening. A very little thing that most people would take for granted but it meant the world to me.
In effect, I looked at our relation as if I had adopted him aged 2yo and decided to build a bond between us. It worked and now aged 4yo, our relation has improved no end and I now have similar feelings towards him than I have towards ds2.

Good luck with all this. It can be done!

How did you get on at docs?

Poor you

Definitely get counselling about the birth and your feelings.

Get as much help as you can with the day to day care of your little boy. Do nice things for yourself so you don't feel frazzled.

Try to work out some really enjoyable activities you can do with your son - things that you like so that you can feel positive about the time you spend together.

Your feelings may change as he gets older. You are brave and honest and I hope it works out for you.

How did it go ?

for others who are experiencing the same thing.

Does he scream and shout more than your other child did?
Would you say he was more difficult?
How difficult was the birth and how was he afterwards?
Is he the eldest or youngest?

I'm just asking because my friend had a horrendous time giving birth to her son and he was traumatised to the extent that he has special needs. Another friend had an equally dreadful birth and her DD could be said to be more trying.

Might be worth checking out. Slap me if I'm wrong though and he's perfectly fine, I'm just thinking off in tangents.

something my mum used to say to me and my brother when we were playing up.

Just because I love you doesn't mean I have to like you!

it helps me to remember that when DS is screaming and 3-year olds are not funt to be around most of the time.

Keep talking and try not to be too hard on yourself.xxx

I used to feel the same about my dd, we both had a very difficult start togethr and I had awful depression.

I worked it through by being honest with dp and having some group counselling.

I didn;t really feel like I loved dd until she became school age, she now makes me burst with love and pride, most of the time!

If you want to CAT me feel free.

I felt just the same for a long time. You are not a freak - it has taken me a long time to bond with ds and I am now pretty sure I had undiagnosed PND. I also have dd and instantly bonded with her. I had cognitive behaviourial therapy last year which really helped - I love my son and our relationship now is 100% better than it was than when he was 2 (he is now 4). My dh could never understand my feelings at all and was very upset by them - I couldn't discuss it with him in the end. Get some help, as you will have seen there are lots of other mothers who have been in this position. If you leave things it will be harder to fix in the long run.

I agree that being able to talk openly about this with another adult helps enormously.

Dh let me say honestly how I felt about ds and never made me feel bad about it at all. I also took great comfort from the fact that dh adores ds in a completely biased and almost passionate way.

He pretty much felt like that from the day ds was born and he has a very felexible job that meant he spent almost as much time with ds as I did despite me being on maternity leave.
So ds got the 'bonding' he required as a baby with his dad

It's awful to know that other people feel like this but good to know that I'm not alone. I've only joined mumsnet this afternoon because i feel so desperately fed-up with my children & wanted to know that I'm not abnormal.. I really hope your GP was able to help xxx

you must most definately get help i was the lady on the channel four documentary and after having the therapy i realised i felt like you do about my older child but had hidden it and it was only because i didnt bond at all with izzy that i realised this and my older one was four when i started the therapy. the thing about being called a freak i can relate to as this was how i felt, just like a freak so the idea of telling anyone made me think they would think that too. post natal illness can go on for years as i proved with my eldest you cant hide from it , it will ruin both your lives and you can still build that bond even now. i have with my eldest who is nearly 6 now. dont get me wrong its been much harder that with izzy as she is young enough to mould but every week i feel we get a little bit closer and that is a very rewarding feeling. it sounds to me like you desperately need some councelling or therapy so please see someone soon if you want to chat to me email me xx

zoena, hi, i think you were so brave for going on that programme. I was in tears watching it as that is exactly how i have been feeling about my DD for so long, ever since she was born, even before she was born, but I have kept it a complete secret as it seemed just too terrible to admit to anyone, even my DH.

I am very encouraged by what you have said that your therapy has helped improve your relationship with your children. I have been having counselling to help me deal with issues from my own childhood. I have realised now that my mother probably didn't bond with me at all and we have never been close throughout my whole life. I felt so lonely as a child as I wasn't close to my dad either. I felt like an orphan, even though i had parents and siblings.

I would be utterly heartbroken and mortified if either of my children felt even a fraction of the lonliness i felt as a child. But i think i need a different kind of therapy as although my current counsellor has helped a lot in relation to my own childhood, it doesn't seem to have made any impact or improvement in relation to my feelings (or lack thereof) towards my DD.

Sometimes i wonder if the lack of feeling towards DD is partly due to the fact that she looks so completely different from me. If you saw us together you would never guess that she was my daughter. She takes after my DH's side of the family whereas DS takes after me and my side and he looks much more like me. I suppose these are things I need to discuss with a therapist.

It strikes me that this feeling must be much more common that we are led to beleive, but because very few people, understandably are willing to admit to it, it is not talked about, discussed or known about. I also didn't realise quite what a lack of a feeling i had for DD until i had DS. It was only when i felt such an overwhelming instant bond/connection/love for him the instant he was born and even whilst i was pregnant, that i realised this was completely absent in relation to DD.

IKINN - please please come back to the thread, and please stop thinking you are not normal. I really would bet that it is a LOT more normal than anyone will ever admit to - because of teh fear of reaction - and because of some actual reactions. But you know what - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. it matters what you feel. And how your DS is. That's all that matters.

And, of course no one will want to take him away. They really won't - why on earth should they? He has a mummy who looks after him and worries about him and wants to make things happier for him.

I don't know how you got on with your GP, but there is lots of support out there for you. Counselling for you, and possibly 'family therapy' for you and DS to help with his rages etc. It's no different from seeking physiotherapy if you needed it.

I have a distant cousin who went through this...it really is a fixable thing! I don't know WHO you ask to be referred fro counseling or family therapy, but persist with your GP.

Hugs to you.