I didn't bond or feel an instant rush of love for DD. I think it was because a)I secretly really really really wanted a boy but didn't dare tell anyone b)the pregnancy was a bit of a surprise and i was in shock for the whole 9 months and didn't start attaching to DD whilst I was pregnant which I have since found out is important to bonding after the birth.

She is now nearly 5 and whilst I love her and would do anything for her, I still don't feel a bond with her and just struggle to even like her sometimes. She talks NONSTOP and I find it totally draining and irritating.

Whereas with DS it was completely different. It wasn't a total surprise when i fell pregnant with him, i was much more prepared for it and so was much more relaxed, I found out he was a boy at the scan and felt i bonded with him from that moment so when he was born it really was instant love and a complete connection.

And DS is now 2 and I can say that I am 'in love' with him as well as simply loving him to bits. I don't know if that will change when he starts talking properly and if he talks nonstop like DD i might start to find him draining as well, but I somehow doubt it.

I find it very hard to deal with how differently i feel about both my DC's, but try as i might I can't change my feelings about DD. I guess over time i might learn to accept my feelings and also as DD grows older we might grow closer but i think we will never have the bond I have with DS.

I saw a programme once where someone said if you don't have that instant bond at birth it will never happen and I think, in my case, it's true. I felt very sad about that a while ago but I have learnt to accept it and i know i love DD and would die for her and that is better than what I had with my parents. (But that's another thread and another -long- story!)

I felt an instant need to protect my babies, I knew very much they were mine - but I was too shattered from the birth and drugs to be really fully with it.

The feeling of love grew and grew.

But I still need to be me, I have friends who won't even have a meal out or night away because they will have to leave their baby (and normally this is with a grandparent who they love and trust). I will happily leave my girls with my mum for the night and have some time off - I think it's good for you to do so.

I do sometimes think that new mothers get a bit competitive at baby groups - understandably wanting to prove to the world that they have never had a moment's doubt or a single negative feeling about their baby.

No one can really admit the difficult/tired/3am pangs of what have I done because they are worried that others will judge them and that they are the only one who feels this.

My friends all had toddlers when I had my babies and I found that much easier. I loved my girls and they loved their children, but they'd gained more confidence in their mothering and were happy to admit difficulties they'd had when their babies were little -whereas all my NCT group all competed massively to be the most loved up. They loved their babies, of course they did, but it would probably have been a better support network if one of us had occasionally said "blimey this mothering stuff can be really hard sometimes can't it?!"

I think it is complicated and possibly to do with your definition of "love".

I love my husband for who he is, it has taken time to get to this point and we have grown and gotten to know each other over a long period.

When my DS was born I am not sure that I "loved" him. I felt very protective of him and possessive and knew that he was MINE but it wasn't really LOVE if you know what I mean. Something on a completely different level.

NOW I love him, and did within a couple of months because I got to know HIM even as a tiny baby he had characteristics that made him different from other people. I still feel that primal protective/possessive urge but not to the same extent.

Also I had a MAJOR freakout on Day 2 after he was born when I though, Oh GOD! I have had a baby! What the hell was I thinking!

I didn't bond with DD1 straight away at all.

I remember looking at her and think you're my baby?

It didn't last long-term though. It's just a massive shock becoming a mum, I think it takes a while for the that to wear off. It did with me. And I used to resent her sometimes for curbing my pre-mum lifestyle IYKWIM. She's nearly 4 now, and I feel a bit bad admitting to that, but it's how I felt at the time.

I always felt quite cheated that no-one I knew that had a baby before I had DS1 was actually honest with me about how bloody hard it is. Now I realise that I probably didn't want to know. I was loving being pregnant and totally caught up in my dream of becoming a mother that if anyone had actually tried to talk to me about the reality of it all I would have felt like they were raining on my parade.

And I wouldn't have believed them either - [fingers in ears] " LA LA it'll be different for me LA LA LA...."

I remember someone in my yoga class saying "well, if you hate being pregnant you'll hate having a baby" - bitch. I cried my eyes out in the middle of the class. Showed her now though

yes, me. since I had ante-natal depression I was just glad that I felt a general interest and affection for DS - I wasn't really expecting much bonding tbh.

I'm not a 'baby' person, and always knew it, so I managed to convince myself that I would fall for my baby hook line and sinker on first meeting, and NOT get PND, because how on earth otherwise would I cope with those early months? Well, I didn't fall for her, I DID get PND, and I barely coped. I don't think the not falling for her and PND were necessarily linked though (although I suspect the combination of the two is a big contributory factor to my not having another child).

But no, no overwhelming love, and I think like others I was more concerned with practical stuff - she was put on my chest, grey and silent (HOW she got an APGAR of 9 I don't know), and DH asked 'is it alive?' ... I honestly don't remember a thing beyond that, but it wasn't a great first meeting.

Now she's four and when I've finished watching this weird film I've got on I get one of the highlights of my day - checking the sweaty little baggage of her up in her bedroom. Quite besotted now.

I had an overwhelming need to protect DD as soon as she was born, but certainly no rush of love. She was a difficult pregnancy and a traumatic birth, and to be honest, I don't think that I had the energy at that point. I also struggled with the lack of sleep (which went on for ages). I think that I was very lucky not to get PND.

Finding new like-minded friends is very difficult too. I had to try out several avenues to get a bit of a social life (different Mums and toddlers, postnatal exercise classes, that kind of thing). I found that most "leads" fizzle out, so you need to work really hard at it (which I know is difficult with a baby). I also think that I'm luckier than you that most of my friends are also settled down, and so I don't feel that they're all having fun that I can't have.

Anyway, the point is that it can be very difficult and that a lot of people are probably finding it hard, but lying because they're too embarrassed to admit it.

I was so upset when dd3 was born i could have cried, she was just so ugly! Luckily she prettied up in a few hours and i started to feel a bit more towards her. In fact with all my dd's when they were born i was just overwhelmed with relief that it was all over rather tan suffused with love for my offspring!

I was the same actually. DD need a bit suctioning but as I wasn't in a delivery suit (long story) she had to be taken out of the room and I had this over protective urge (I yelled at DH follow that baby, don't let her out of your sight) but it wasn't that "rush of love".

From what I understand it's different for different babies too. Don't worry about it. I think I love DD so much because I have known her since birth rather than because she is my flesh and blood if you know what I mean?

Thanks for all your post, its good to know Im normal, I also didnt hold dd straight away, I was more concerned that they checked her over I was paranoid that she woundnt be breathing properly, I thought this maybe a reason why I didnt get that feeling? If anybody asks whats its like to be a mum I will certainly be honest about my feelings, I think if I had spoken to someone before the birth that was really honest about what its really like then maybe I woulndt have felt so bad.

Thanks again

i hated everything aswell plus total horror during/after the birth.i think you just grin and bear it.

I could have written your post too. I hated being pregnant as well so I would quite like my next baby to be delivered to me by the stork at about 5 months old

I think my first words on seeing DD were "Fuck, she's huge!" (she wasn't but when you have just pushed a 7lb6 baby out of your fanjo it seems pretty huge!)

I think its OK to be honest and say this kind of thing. I was HORRIFIED not to feel overwhelmed with love for dd, now aged 7 and feel that it is only recently that I have really started to feel closer and closer to her.

Weird thing was I thought this was just me, I felt very alone and also a total failure as a mum because I didn't feel that total love that I thought I should. It was another mum (and a real seemingly perfect mum at that) who said it was OK and that time changes things.

When I had ds, now 5 I adored him from the moment he was born, from that very moment. I don't know why the difference, the only possible thing I could think of is that the birth of ds was so much 'better' than that of dd.

It's complicated and difficult - but you are not alone and I think there are actually thousands of us who keep quiet about it.

Good luck - time does change it you know.

I didn't feel it with DS1. I wouldn't say I was depressed but I did find the first few weeks / months very hard. The birth was difficult, he cried all the time and didn't sleep. The way I felt at the time was brought sharply in to focus by birth of DS2, 2 years later. I fell instantly and overwhelmingly in love and suddenly understood how other mums felt when they talked about giving birth as being the best day of their life.

I can't explain these feelings other than I had a better birth experience with DS2 and was more prepared for the crying and lack of sleep (and the change in life is definitely nowhere near as huge as when you have you first.

Don't feel guilty or bad - it's tough becoming a mother and (I believe )not enough people are honest enough or able to admit how difficult they found it.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine (and very similar to friends i have since talked to). I had a complicated pregnancy and rough ish birth. When DS was born he was passed to DH and I really wasnt bothered - instead of holding him I was busy poking my jiggly tummy and giggling (thats pethidine for you!) and grilling the poor midwife about her now grown up children. I barely picked him up in the hospital unless necessary - certainly not for cuddles - was shell shocked.

To quote a cliche I always loved him but never felt in love with him for a while. I cared for him and always put him first and would have done anythign for him...but the love thats always described didnt come for quite a while. To be honest it took aroun 9 months to really feel that way and it carried on growing.

I did have pnd though and quite badly. I sold baby stuff when he was 2 weeks old (!) and am now regretting it as am 23 weeks pregnant. You do get used to it - but being a mum is a huge shock especially if your life style was very different before hand. Just because you dont want to hold your baby all day doesnt mean you dont love them. To be honest I think a lot can depend on whether you actually like babies or not - personally I prefer toddlers and am a lot more "in love" now in terms of spending time and enjoying it - but thats not to say i love him any more or less at any time.

The most important thing isnt how you felt then though but how you feel now?

xx

i can relate and i think that its really rubbish that if you don't feel this way that you think you have PND. PND is something else entirely - some people just dont like it! love your child - obviously - but hate the whole thing

TWinkle - LOL, I was quite fascinated with my placenta too. I also felt awful cos I was so tired, I asked the MW to take DS away for a few hours so I could sleep. I remember feeling incredibly selfish and lazy, as though I should want to spend all of the first night gazing at him.

I didn't and have posted about it before. I had feelings exactly as you described. Some of those mums will have felt that love thing but I bet that some of them will be saying what they think they should say.

I didn't,not at all.

Not really a baby person anyway.

Sounds similar to me!!

TBH, if I could have a 16mo and SKIP the whole baby bit then I would. My DS now is fantastic, charming, interesting and amazing. I love him more than anything in the entire world.

When he was a baby I used to sit twiddling my thumbs wondering how the hell to fill my days!! What you have written really does sound like how I felt.

I remember someone telling me the same thing before I had DS and I couldn't believe that anyone wouldn't WANT a teeny tiny helpless baby! I felt abnormal too - I loved him but was bored by him IYSWIM.

Stick with it, I promise you it changes.

I didn't get that feeling until DS was around 6 weeks. When DS was born I was completely exhausted after a horrible labour, but strangely enough I was more interested in asking to see the placenta than gazing at him. Really surreal experience - it was the same when I was being stitched up. It took weeks to all come together in my head and sink in properly.

I love her to bits and think I alawys have really, I will have a look for the thread, Im quite new to mn, wish I had found the site in those early months.

oh dear god i could have written your post word for word.

i feel and have felt the same.

dont feel strange though feel completely normal because we all take to it differently. this is my way, that is theirs.

What about now? I didnt have overwhelming feelings of love at the births either btw.

There was another thread on this last week...

Hi, I have a lovely dd who is 7 months. I found the first five months quite hard, I didnt have a clue what I was doing with dd and dp had less of a clue than me. I read lots of books whilst I was pregnant but soon discovered that babies rarely do what the books says. I made every effort to go to mums and baby groups and found a couple of nice ones.

After chatting with other mums and observing their interaction with their babies I started to feel a bit strange. The thing is I never got the overwhelming feeling of love when she was born, the other mums I spoke to were talking about how the feeling of love was so strong and they loved spending all day with their new babies. Some of the mums would sit and cuddle their babies and cue over them, I never really did this, I did cuddle her and chat to her, but not all the time

I started to think I had pnd. In the first few months I couldnt wait to get back to work and got stuck how to fill my day, a trip to the supermarket was something to look forward to.

I have met a few nice mums, but no one that I have made really good friends with, most of my friends are still single and going out clubbing on a Sat night, taking 3 hours to get ready. Where as I soon realised that a night out means organising baby sitter, making sure dd is in bed, clean, fed and watered and a quick jump in the shower and throw clothes on. Dont get me wrong, Im not complaining, I love been a mum and would want my old life back. I know that I am very lucky.

7 months into been a first time mum I know I was a bit depressed & lonely but have just got on with it. Been a mum is completely different and harder to what I imagined. I have started to sell a few of dd baby things and people say 'well what if you have another'. At this point I really dont think I could look after two children, or whether I would want, which makes me feel guilty.

I was just wondering if there is anyone out there that can relate to any of this.

Sorry if I have rambled on.