Time for a Story on Windows Live Messenger is a service which enables you to see and talk with your little ones, wherever you are, whilst reading them an interactive story. Get closer to your loved ones and never miss out on Time for a Story!
get a dog. hours of free entertainment for baby ds jumping on longsuffering dog's head/pulling its tail/slamming satisfyingly noisy door on puppy cage etc, plus you never have to clean up under highchair after meals again. dog of correct height (labrador is ideal) also serves as useful walker for pulling up on, first steps etc while you sit on sofa reading grazia instead of all that walking around bent double holding onto hands of staggering baby. later in life, dog can be pressed into 'playing vets', dressed up in dcs' clothes, etc. note: only works as a laboursaving device if you make dh walk damn dog
Turn yourself into a shite cook (if you're not already) and create very dull and boring food that they don't much like. At the same time (crucial, this bit) make sure DH is good at it. When they ask what's for tea, look vague. They'll soon give up on you and go straight to him! Result!
Mine are 2 yrs apart with the same birthday and only a week before Christmas, so I must be good at this idle parenting lark! Tisn't as easy as it sounds...but I do get away with having just the one party DH is not allowed near me in March now
Turkey, that is brilliant! Definately one I am gonna use!
I also do the 'do you want Mummy or Daddy to bath you?" <note always put the daddy at the end of the sentence as they seem to choose him> Well he is away from Mon to Fri most weeks so it is his turn as far as I am concerned!
Never allow your baby to sleep in its cot during the day - a baby's place is on its mother. Thus meaning that you are "pinned" to the sofa, unable to do any house work for a good couple of hours every day.
You just need to make sure that you have the laptop, sky remote and a pack of biscuits within reaching distance!
Does the thought of having to get your DC's to make 'Thank you' cards fill you with dread? Got a morbid fear of glitter and glue on your kitchen floor?
Just put their crap artwork that they bring home from school/playgroup into a drawer and whenever you need a Thank You card doing, whip out a lovely painting, stick it to a blank bit of paper folder over. For that extra home made touch fake your childs handwriting on the inside.
NB. Works just as well for home made B'day cards...the oldies love 'em!
Convince your DCs that MN is "work". Make bored groaning noises and sigh a lot, and your DCs will solicitously say "is it very difficult Mummy?" then clear off and play by themselves.
make sure your child has school dinners. that way you don't have to make a packed lunch and can give them jam sandwiches for tea (they should only have 5 portions of fruit/veg a day, right?)
at weekends, humous on crackers counts as lunch. chickpeas are a vegetable.
if you want your kids to tidy up, just announce a competition to see who can pick up most toys. waaay easier than all that positive reinforcement / timeout stuff.
DD1 gets all enthusiastic with the plastic food and tea set DD2 can't escape I get to "sunbathe" (sleep) whilst DD1 absorbs herself in sandwich preparation
get a nanny, a housekeeper, a cleaner, a cook and a chauffeur. and encourage your DH towards an 'open' marriage. That way your whole family will never bother you again.
i did that - both dds have birthdays a few days apart
weirdly 9 months after new year. funny that...
my cousin did one better and had both her boys 3 years apart but with the same birthday!!! i remember her kneeling on all 4's helping her open her 3 yr olds birthday presents "oh yes thats lovely, who is that from? PANT PANT PANT"
Fetch for toddlers. You sit in the hall reading magzine and throwing ball. They whoop excitedly and run after ball. Hopefully tire themselves out enough to sleep.
hifi, that's our daily routine - cbeebies in bed, bottle of milk and a biscuit as dd's 'pre'-breakfast, all while I doze. in my defense, she wakes up at 6am and I am pregnant...
oh the shame, sunday mornings, a flask of drink and two flapjacks for dds breakfast. she switches tv on with silver remote, or mote as she calls it, then thrusts black mote into my face and demands cbbs.snuggles down in middle of us till at least 9.30.
i throw steaming nappies out of middle floor window into tall planter ready for dh to drop to bins a.m, i am such a great shot, never missed. dd comes with a stinky nappy, whispers, go and see daddy he loves your nappies, ok mummy. hello babyhifi, yes of course daddy will change your nappy.[what a privilege].
We used to chuck nappy sacks down the stairs into our incredibly tiny hall, and then one day the postman came to the door first thing in the morning with a parcel, and DH had to kick about 3 bags hurriedly out of sight that had been chucked there overnight before he could open the door.
Oh cocolepew me and DH used to do that with unreasonably long books - the Edward book in the Thomas range for example. We each read him a story so if DH had pi*sed me off I would always give it to DS because "Daddy loves reading this one".
My favourite is "Daddy rang me today to tell me that he couldn't remember what happened in the story about Gordon. Why don't you ask daddy to read it to you as soon as he steps foot in the door"
Me too Ledodgy also when DS wants eggs for tea he either has Mummys eggs - boiled, or Daddys eggs - poached and more importantly cooked by Daddy. So when tea time comes I whisper "Daddys eggs" to him and off he runs to ask Daddy.
Say " I can't read you another Mr Men/little Miss book,because they'reshite Daddy looks forward to it all day long and you don't want to make Daddy sad, do you?"
Pretend games are ok to join in as long as you choose them wisely. Take now for example dd and ds 1 are bringing me 3 course plastic meals which I just have to pretend to take a bite out of saying 'mm,thanks' and selling me Charlie and Lola books for which I just thank them and continue mn'ing.
Whisper would you like Daddy to dress/feed/play with/bath you? in and excited tone and then shout "He/She wants you to do it?" DH never says no to his kids because he works such long hours and doesnt see a lot of them. He does anything they ask .
Oh thank god it isn't just me with the "I was up with him 4 times last night"... I do wonder if DH does the same to me though and we are just lying to each other about how much sleep we get
I did have a people carrier friend, but she went and got one that now doesn't fit my children <glares pointedly at Psychomum>
I have been ignoring my children to read this, and have now realised it is time to collect DH, and DS is wearing a tutu
1. Roll of old wallpaper pinned to the garden fence. 2. Pots of paint, brushes, sponges etc. for the child/children 3. Sunlounger, glass of wine, Penny Vincenzi for you 4. DH will tidy up the carnage when he gets in, as you have been 'creative' all day with the kids (throw wine glass, novel and sunbed in the shed prior to his return)
this one only works in teh US but it's gooood. Don't have your TB test done. They cannot coerce you into the classroom or as a trip volunteer unless you have one. You can smile sweetly and say "sorry - no TB cert yet" and they leave you alone
hold your horses on volunteering to go on school trips with your child's class .. eventually they will go to the cinema or theatre which is far easier than an art gallery tour
if your children must be creative then give them big chalks and send them outside. It will be rained off the drive eventually. Better yet, give them a dry patio, a bucket of water and a paintbrush. They can paint for ages.
If you must take your preschooler's bag home at the end of the session then leave it in the car so it will not be forgotten in the morning. There will not be anything useful in it. Anything important will either have been given to you in a damp plastic bag <shudder> or handed to you with a face of glee.
time your kids birthdays around team events. (y 2 coincide with baseball). Be ion snack on that day. Take a bday cake, party bags , couple of balloons and the usual snack stuff but jazzed up by putting it in a partybag not a paper bag. End of the game, dish out the loot, one round of Happy birthday and your kids think they have had a whole party and you have actually done fark all.
I once babysat for a friend's 2 year old. I had to change the nappy and the 2 year old flung it, in a nappy sack, down the stairs in the direction of the bin. (that is what her parents do!)
Friend is lovely, but likes to keep up appearances and was
Cod the nappy tip is disgraceful, i would never do that
When making up packed lunches for the older children make an extra one for the toddler. That way you can hand over a ready made lunch and not have to move from MN. The toddler will be very happy to have a 'big boy' lunch box too.
Offer to do the picking up, when you know Dh won't be back from work in time. Then phone the other parents and say(in a panicky voice) "Oh,no dd2 is in bed! Do you think you could pick them up?" Then go and watch crappy telly.
When DC's wake in the night and need attention, kick or elbow DH awake with the words "I did it lasttime". Eveniftherewasn'ta'lasttime'
When taking your DC's to school remember to bark in a loud and braying voice how marvellously your DC's are doing with their mandarin/violin lessons. You will never be approached by other mothers and can make quick exit from the playground.
Ensure that your children eat their tea in the bath. That way they cannot 'leave' any because they have nowhere to put it, there are no dirty clothes to clean when they spill anything, and it will take half the time. (Not recommended for pasta dishes)
With newborns, always invest in a hamster water dispensor and attach to side of baby's cot. squeeze in some boob milk every once in a while when passing.
Constantly allow your DC's to 'overhear' your conversations with DH regarding the grandaparents and how they have been discussing having the kids stay for a sleepover and lashigns of ice cream. That way they will nag their GP's to stay and you will graciously accept when the GP's give in and offer to have them.
For when you think they really should have something more than sandwiches to eat this week in case they get scurvy and you have the hassle of seeking medical attention:
Put pasta on to boil. When half done, tip frozen veg into same saucepan. Serve with grated cheese on top. Eat with spoons.
(Washing up = 1 saucepan, 1 cheese grater)
You can therefore MN while dinner is cooking and while they're eating. And you get longer if you train eldest child to feed the baby and get the yoghurts out for afterwards.
spoon feed them the food you like from weaning - then when you want to go out for a curry/Chinese, you don't have them moaning about not being able to eat it
Always make friends with someone who drives one of those feck off people carriers with loads of seats so they can take all your children, if needs be, for a party or outing
Try and share a party for your children when they are in infants and make sure you share with a) a PFB and b) one with super organised parents so all you end up doing is turning up and handing out the wine.
Time it so you have your child just before Christmas, then you can get the whole present buying expense out of the way, there is always food around to throw a birthday party, and you don't have to go to all the trouble of throwing a barbecue/bouncy castle/treasure hunt in the garden party like those poor parents of summer babies.
Treat your children like commis chefs. They love all the backbreaking boring kitchen work like whisking, stirring, and chopping, this can be done whilstreadinggrazia whilst you are getting on with the cooking. They only need to be bribed with the bowl lickings/chance to cook a few scraps of pastry/opportunity to say they have cooked the dinner. If the bribery doesn't work, pay them.
Instead of buying your child a toy washing machine and iron, make everything extra special fun, and more useful for yourself, by teaching them how to use the real appliances.
be extra extra nice to the older brothers and sisters of your child's friends. they are massively useful in loads of ways e.g. I have one trained to take dd1 to breakfast club and then make sure she has all her kit to take to the classroom afterwards with all her kit. she also reads with dd1 when she play at her house and writes in the reading diary
also, alwyas offer to do the dishes after dinner - you get 20 mins peace and quiet listening to the top 40 on the radio whilst dh deals with the aftermath of dinner and the arguing over what to watch on the telly/time to put pyjamas on/toilet rounds/etc
ALWAYS offer to do stuff like go to the chinese to collect the takeaway while dh puts the children to bed - you can therefore sit down in chinese restaurant and read their paper while dh wrestles with bedtime stories etc - i know what id rather do!
agreee about having children and holidays - both my dds were born during half term - saves ££££££££ on huge parties
also about playing 'hospitals' - you get an evne better lie down if you play "lets lie down and have a nap"
my best tip is encourage your dh to be father of the year by taking your children to swimming 3-4 nights a week - and give him shampoo - you need never bath your children again (i havent bathed either of mine for over 6 months!)
Time nappy changes to coincide with boring chores - eg clearing up after tea. Disappear for 30 mins - explain it was a very messy poo - and everything will have been tidied up for you
lol at magazine! In the same vein - tell your children from an early age that you are clever enough to listen to them read and also read your own book at the same time. This is especially useful in KS2 when they are on long boring chapter books and you have to sign their home/school diaries saying that you have heard them read.
Get them very interested in the idea of (indoor) picnics. Ok, it's more packed lunches to make but at weekends and holidays you don't have to stump up lunch every day - bring out the packed lunch and give them a tablecloth to stick on the floor - fun for the dc, more rest or MN'ing for you, little washing up and they might eat more without nagging
Get kids into 'cleaning games' I get the fronts of my kitchen cupboards done each week this way as both madly spray and scrub in race to be first to the oven (in middle) and winner of the chocoloate biscuit.
Make it your MISSION to get your child diagnoised with ADHD (whether they have it or not.. give them lots of Smarties/Coke etc on days they are due to be assessed.) Don't give up until you have a diagnosis.
Then strive to get high rate DLA.. give up work and live off it.
If you want a lie in leave out minipackets of cereal to be eaten out of the packet and minicartons of fruit juice the night before. They can eaven eat this in front of telly with no mess.
When they are little, and want you to play tea-parties, lego, make-believe etc., say "Oh yes, lets play" and be incredibly enthusiastic and fun for about 5 minutes, then slink away...they carry on playing by themselves for quite a while after, not bothering if you have gone. Works best with 2 or more siblings.
If you want a lie in but your kids always whine that thay are hungry and want breakfast, fill bowls with cereal the night before, cover with a plate, and put a small jug of milk in the frigde. Then they can get their own breakfast, and then hopefully spend two hours on cbeebies website leaving you to sleep till 11am! bliss
Brainwash convince your DCs - from an early age- that housework chores are actually really fun exciting games.
That way you will end up with a 5 yr old who sort washing, oputs loads in the machine and puts machine on, hoovers, dusts, and pairs up socks every weekend while you MN.
Also train them into using the dvd player and nagivating to the cbebies website on thier own, allowing you to have uninterupted lie-ins on the weekend.
Stop thinking of your garden as a thing of beauty and start seeing it as a very large playpen - gets you hours off while your dc 'weeds' perfectly good plants and drowns others in endless litres of water.
(By the way - most of mine are in jest.. but I really DO fling carrier bags containing stinky nappies out of the upstairs window in general direction of bin when DS poos at night. Sadly, they sometimes land beside back door, and next person who goes out of it next morning is greeting by SQUELCH! )
i just told dd's school that I couldn't possibly help with the milk rota as I had a meeting. It was a vital and, I must say, most fulfilling meeting between me and a pastry in Cafe Nero.
Ensure your dcs have scooters, bikes, heelies or the latest fad such as poi-pois, so that now the evenings are lighter, they are dead keen to go and 'play out'.
Mine usually will then only re-appear at mealtimes (I leave a jug of drink in the front garden to avoid the 'I'm thirsty' whinging)
In fact, if you ban your dc from touching the mop/brush/washing machine for a while it will suddenly become the most interesting thing ever discovered and you can have half an hour's rest while they do the housework while thinking they've got away with murder.
if your dcs are having friends round for tea, esp fussy ones, don't cook. (except for fish fingers). Serve with "healthy" extras - carrot and cucumber sticks, bread and butter etc. Nice yogurts or similar for pudding. There is nothing worse than cooking for someone else's kids and having to put it in the bin.
Also train your children as early as possible to be fully independent in the toilet. (wiping own bottom etc).
Children can also be trained at an early age in various "FUN" household tasks. dd1 doesn't realise that emptying washing machine and sweeping under table with the dustpan and brush is actually housework and not play.
Teenagers are very responsive to blackmail. Don't go for bribery - it costs you.. use blackmail every time. "Pop to Tesco for me please or I will be forced to tell your school friends that you sleep with your blue rabbit you have had since you were six months old."
You can even makes things up. "Make your sister a snack or will have no choice but to imply to your best mate that your confessed to me that you fancy him." The teenager will be livid and resentful, but the most important thing; you get to avoid a task and read a magazine instead.
Time the birth of your baby to fall in or very near to the summer holidays - so they get taken off your hands for other kid's parties throughout the year but when it comes to theirs half the kids are in Majorca so you don't have to fuss about a gigantic party.
Time for a Story on Windows Live Messenger is a service which enables you to see and talk with your little ones, wherever you are, whilst reading them an interactive story. Get closer to your loved ones and never miss out on Time for a Story!
- cbeebies in bed, bottle of milk and a biscuit as dd's 'pre'-breakfast, all while I doze.
<glares pointedly at Psychomum>
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