Many thanks to everyone who has contributed to our Miscarriage Code of Practice recommendations for Alan Johnson, Lord Darzi all other UK health ministers. We've compiled into a list of 10 key recommendations here.
Came out of hospital just over a week ago now after going for a scan at 16 weeks and finding no heart beat. First baby for us, we tried for so long and I just feel like my heart is going to break. Have had days where I think I'm fine but there seem to be pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE! and that just sets me off again...maybe I came back to work too soon, I don't know. Have also been told am being made redundant at end of June. Everyhing is going wrong. Have a fabulous husband who is being great, and lots of support from family but I still feel so alone.I just can't believe it happened so late..thought once I had got the first 12 weeks over with it would all be ok...
ive no experience of what your going through and im sure cant even begin to imagine.but i didnt want to ignore you.hopefully someone who can help will be along in a bit. im so sorry
That's so horrible for you. I've noticed pregnant ladies everywhere and it is just so unfair. Perhaps you have gone back to work too soon? If you were off though would you just dwell on things alone though? I've only had a very early miscarriage a long time ago so cannot appreciate how horrid it must be. Very sorry. Try to take it easy and treat yourself if you can.
I'm so sorry too for what you're going through. I've just had a mc this week at 8 weeks pregnant and that's bad enough. Maybe you have gone back to work too soon - I've been signed off for 3 weeks and am very grateful as I'm in tears most of the time. I really think you need time to grieve. Can you have more time off? I'm so sorry that you're being made redundant too, what an awful time you are going through. Things will get better for you, you have to believe that, and maybe you do need some time out to make yourself a bit stronger for when you go out and face the world again. I know how sad it is to lose a baby, and I am thinking of you and sending you a hug x
beakas, was on the same antenatal thread as you and with the same due date. Found out last Tuesday that there was no heartbeat and the shock realisation that after six years of waiting everything had gone wrong.
Like you I have a great DH but we made the decision to lock ourselves away for three weeks so that we could cry when needed, spend time with each other and do some fun things even though I end up sitting in nice restaurants for lunch with sun glasses on. I don't want to have to think about other people's feelings, this is me time, time to grieve properly for our baby and all our plans.
Everything still hurts but I know that it will get better and am waiting it out (I just don't need other people telling me that!)
Maybe you should try and get some more time off work, I am sure they will understand, if not, then tough...think of yourself and get a doctors note.
We have also done all the things that will make us cry, such as put the maternity clothes that I had just cut all the labels off into the loft (I'm thinking positively) and put a recent photo of me taken when I was pregnant into a frame with the scan photos hidden behind.
I am not trying to forget our baby, just to find a way to move forward and allow us as a couple to continue to talk about what could have been as well as what might be in the future.
Saw your post this morning beakas and just wanted to say hi and add my support. Not sure if I can add much more after sugr's post which is lovely and captures most of what I would have wanted to say.
Our DD (and first child) was stillborn at full term 4 months ago. We took 6 weeks and just shut ourselves away to grieve quietly together and at the end of it found ourselves stronger and closer than ever. After that our biggest source of strength came from those around us - our friends and family surrounded us and gently began to ease us back into life a day at a time.
It can be difficult to find the right balance in returning to work. Going back too early can be traumatic (especially if others knew of your pregnancy) but drifting around the house can also have a negative effect. All in all, if work are making you redundant *STUFF THEM!*
Sugr, thank you for the beautiful picture idea. Haven't been able to look at photos of my pregnancy or scan photos just yet but when I do I will be stealing your wonderful idea.
Thankyou so much all of you, am crying as I read all of your messages, but good tears in a way. It does help that other people know what we'r going through, despite the tragic circumstances. Sugr, I remember us being on the same thread. I had no idea that you had been through the same thing, I am so terribly sorry. I found a pair of my maternity trousers yesterday morning when I was trying to get dressed for work and that set me off again. I like your photo idea as well. I think I may have to parcel a few things up and take them to my parents house for a while. I find myself swinging from wanting to tell everyone to get lost and leave me alone, to wanting to talk about our baby and wondering why people are avoiding me. I guess hormones are all over the place. Joanie1- my god, what you must have been through..I can't imagine your pain and heartache. Life is just so shitty sometimes. Did you get offered counselling or anything?I'm so sorry for you both. Charliesmum- am hugging you back. Have never had so many lovely hugs in my life. They do work though, if only for a little while. Hang in there.All of you. All of us.Thankyou.x
beakas, i just read your message today and would like to say im very sorry for your loss... (hugss)xx dont be too hard on yourself and take a lot of rest. charliesmums- am very sorry for your loss too (hugss) i dont know what else to say cos' i myself am going through similar experience as you but difference is my 6-week old embryo decided to grow when we are actually supposed to go for d&c next week cos' last week the sonographer found a 5-wk sac when i know i should be 10wks by then. the future looks bleak for me n baby but im in self-denial right now thinking of all of you in this very difficult n painful time..
Hey Nandos, thankyou- just take care of yourself as best you can. Hope you've got support around you.I think self denial is probably something most of us have been through, only natural I guess. Thinking of you, please look after yourself and let me know if you want to chat.x
I'm sorry to hear that. I lost my first two, and have two healthy babies now, but it was a hard journey. CAT me if you want to offload. All you are feeling is completely natural and don't try to minimise how crap you are feeling.
Absolutely, and in my case I found the miscarriages brought up all sorts of other stuff to the surface that I was unhappy about. So if you're feeling angry it might be for valid reasons, you're just a bit more vulnerable and emotionally raw right now.
hi everyone.. just got back from the hosp. my pregnancy is no longer viable unfortunately n im starting to bleed.. i am a little sad abt my loss but glad its all over cos' the waiting is too hard on me to bear. i just find it a bit difficult cos' dh is not comforting me during this time cos' maybe he doesnt understand but that is enough to make me v.sad i guess it will be alright over time..
beakas, do take it easy ..it doesnt do u any good by punching your boss's face
nandos was just on the due Dec 08 thread and read about your sad news. I'm so sorry. As you say, at least the waiting is over. I know how you feel - when we had our awful news last Monday I felt a certain amount of relief that we finally had an answer after a few weeks of uncertainty.
Re DH, it must be very hard on you that he's not comforting you at the moment. It is a very difficult time for both of you, and maybe he's just not dealing with it well enough to see how much support you need.
I will keep checking for any posts you leave in case you need to chat...
beakas really hope you're hanging in there. How are you doing?
Just wanted to offer all of you going through this tough time my sympathy and to say that 'it does get easier' (hate that quote) but you all need to take time out for yourselves. Do whatever you feel best, talk about your babies. although they never drew a breath they were still real inside you. Thats why this site is so important at times like this. i wish i'd had the support that you all give each other as only someone who has been through it can truely appreciate the devastion that arises from the loss.
Lost my twins 17yrs ago @ 15.5wks and was devastated at the time. The feelings of anger, grief, dispair and self blame (in some cases) are all perfectly normal. Now have DD aged 11 but still have ultra sound scan (in a photo album), of my twins taken the week before i lost them and wouldnt part with it for anything.
at times like this work and commitments fade into the background and you & your other halves are what matter.
My H (now ex) said at the time that he had found the fact that i had to go through labour for nothing the hardest thing for him to deal with and felt at a complete loss for how to support me whilst grieving himself. Perhaps nandos you DH is struggling but deals with it by shutting off (please dont be offended if i'm wrong)
sue1911, after sharing your story with us, i feel like my loss is nothing compared to your twins it must be really hard on you. i feel it happens for a reason but everyone deals with it in a different way. as for my dh..he came to the room today and hugged me..i've been crying after we came back home ..feeling much better after that.
Hi nandos, glad things are better with dh. I'm okay, but the last week has been just horrible, and I hope we never have to go through this again. Found the worst couple of days were the ones after the D&C, which I wasn't expecting. Thought things might have been a bit easier after that. Even though I'm just as sad about what has happened I feel like part of my brain can start coping with other things now, just a little bit at a time. For the last week I haven't been able to contemplate thinking about anything other than the baby we will never meet. I am feeling a bit more positive about things, but I have this sadness inside me that maybe will never go away.
How are you doing today? Did you manage to get much sleep last night?
sue1911 your message made me cry. I can't believe what you've been through. It must've been so very hard for you, and I'm so sorry that you lost your twins. You're right about this site - I feel like it has been my lifeline for the past few weeks!
I forgot to say hi to sugr in my post last night, I am so sorry too for what you're going through and I'm thinking of you x
joanie1 - I just can't imagine what you must have been through. How absolutely heartbroken you must be. I am so, so sorry and my thoughts are with you and your husband.
charliesmum, i feel better today and had a relatively good night sleep. i find that the worst couple of days was while waiting to confirm whether my pregnancy was viable or not. it made me think so hard that i have headaches.it took a wk to confirm and by that time i became a bit sick to my stomach thinking too much 'what if's. joanie- im sorry for your loss too hope you are coping a bit better now. sugr- i know how u feel after waiting for 6 yrs for this pregnancy n then everything goes wrong .. me n dh have been trying for 3 yrs and had 2 mc so far and its heartbreaking. we dont know how long we going to have a healthy born baby but hope we (all of us in misc section)will have soon .. im sorry to some of you cos' im used to my habit of skipping some msg and going right to the last msgs thats why i may have missed a few.
Hi everyone. As I write this I am sat at work where a guy who knows what happened to me (2 weeks ago today) and has said "Have you hear the good news? My daughters just given birth to a cracking little boy" he then went on to describe the birth, tell me what colour hair the baby had etc. and then looked at me for a response..want to lock myself in the toilet and sob. What is wrong with people? Do they expect us to just 'get over it' because it happened a couple of weeks ago now and is old news? Bizarrely the same man bought me in a bunch of flowers on my first day back to say how sorry he was. I just don't understand. Nandos, I'm so sorry for your news. If I've learnt anything from this experience it's to keep those close to you even closer. Everyone deals with these things in different ways and maybe he just needed to get his head around everything, maybe he didn;t want for you to see him upset? Sue, I'm so sorry about the twins, what a dreadful experience for you both. Charliesmum, you have described to a T how I have been feeling. I just have this overwhelming sadness. I wake up each morning and for a split second everything seems ok and then I remember. I just hate feeling like this.
beakas - what an insensitive idiot. People just don't think before they speak do they. Mind you, unless he's been through a similar experience himself it must be impossible for him to understand what you're going through, but then that's no excuse for his behaviour.
I had to go to a&e on saturday with my little boy (who fell over and split his lip v nastily) and there was a lady with a newborn - I just started crying. It's like rubbing salt in the wound, and even though I'm lucky and have my DS I can't get the feeling that I've 'left behind' something I shouldn't have done out of my mind. Does that make sense?
I hope the guy who's made the blunder realises what he says. Bet he'll feel awful if he does.
charliesmum- u made me laugh that guy is REALLY an idiot. beakas, dont worry abt him, no use being sad over that silly guy. n u know what..i know this might sound silly but i had a dream all of us we in the same preg thread together! hope that comes true soon
charliesmum, may i ask a few qns if u dont mind.. r u waiting for the miscarrriage to happen/is it happening or going for a d&c? i am having a natural miscarriage now but dont know when it will finish..
nandos - I dont' mind at all. Last monday I was given the choice by my gynaecologist as to what to do - I chose to book in for a d&c on the thursday. I had already started bleeding though, which is how I found out something was wrong, and by the time I went in on Thursday it had got much heavier. I wasn't sure she'd have to do the d&c but she did anyway.
I did start a thread last week asking what I should expect, think you posted on it (?) so might be worth looking back at that as had a few people answer.
Is your bleeding quite heavy? I really hope you're not in too much pain....
If you can think of anything else then don't hesitate to ask.
oh gosh.. i just went to that thread and completely forgot i even posted anything over there. most of them incl u had d&c, and ones which naturally miscarry had bleeding for a wk or 2.. i am just starting so its getting more n more heavier by the day, no clots yet but my tummy aches a lot n cramps once a while. still feeling bloated at night though.. im just really really scared of any surgery(never had that b4) and am really scared of blood tests n needles. even looking at my own blood it can make me weak n have vomiting,fainting symptoms the last time i had blood test taken, the nurse changed it to a smaller syringe but my whole body went cold n i thought im waiting for the world to end..soo long i think i got the phobia after seeing my mum suffering with a weak heart and going to hospital every month for a blood test after her surgery..
Hi nandos, sorry I didn't reply last night - I'm in Belgium and find that the hour time difference is a right pain!
Poor you re needles phobia. Am not surprised you don't want to have to go in for a d&c, but if it's any consolation the whole process was very simple and I only had to have one needle.
Your poor mum, is she okay?
Re my mc, my gynae said on the Thursday that a lot of 'it' had come out already, so that was three days after I started bleeding. I didn't ask her for any details as it was too upsetting. The bleeding is just coming to an end now, so I suppose if I hadn't have had the d&c then it would still be going for a while. I also had a very early mc in April 06, and I bled for 13 days if that's any help. That was v early though, I was only just over 4 weeks.
How are you feeling today?
Beakas - sorry for hijacking your thread How are you doing? What happened with that guy who was so very tactful yesterday Did he apologise? I do hope so...
By the way, I wanted to ask how your DH/DP's are dealing with this horrible situation that we find ourselves in? Mine seems to have conveniently 'forgotten' what's happened and is looking surprised every time he sees me looking sad. He did give me lots of support when it first happened and I know it must've been tough on him too, but it's almost like he's lost patience with me now. Any advice?
Charliesmum and Nandos thank you for your lovely comments - my thoughts are with you both.
Beakas - hope you're doing ok today. What a complete and utter plonker your colleague is! Somewhere in his miniscule excuse for a brain he has missed the point that you've not just 'had a miscarriage' - you have lost a child. You are absolutely correct to feel hurt and angry at his insensitivity.
It is still far too early to be able to deal with seeing pregnant women or even hearing about new born babies. My SIL is due her baby this month and my husband and I have barely been able to speak to her since we lost our DD in December. I write and text her regularly and luckily she is exceptionally understanding but the thought of the baby arriving soon fills me with sadness and dread.
I find though, if things do become overwhelming, a good sob in the toilets sometimes makes me feel a little bit better.
charliesmum, my mum is doing ok, need to have her pills for thinning her blood every single day for the rest of her life..feel sad for her though.. i am not feelin too good since i woke up at 6am. my tummy aches a lot and a bit of pain too. feels like vomiting sometimes ..sorry i dont know how to answer abt dh/dp cos' my dh seems to ignore the whole matter altogether! so what i did was to ignore him as well
nandos, sorry you're in pain. Do you have any painkillers you can take? Hope it eases up soon.
Not sure what to do re my dh - I know its probably coz he's upset too, so will just give him time. Men deal with things in different ways to us girls don't they
joanie, I can't believe how strong you're being. It must be difficult to even get through the day, let alone think about dealing with pregnant women etc. You are lucky to have such an understanding SIL, but surely with what you and your husband have been through she couldn't be anything other.
I am wishing you continued strength to deal with the birth of their baby, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
hi everyone.. i hope everyone's feeling better today. i will be taking a rest today cos' feel a bit sick to type. might see you guys in the evening when im better take care
Hi all, just wanted to offer support & hugs to you all. I hope the pain physical/emotional is easing for you.
My comments were supposed to be helpful about how H/P deal with these events.
joanie it must be very hard with your SIL being pregnant. My neighbour was 3 months ahead of me with twins so i understand the feelings you are having. However it will be tough when every one is cooing over your SIL baby and i'm sure you will have many feelings at the time, especially and .
my friend was v understanding and i went to see her twins when they were a couple of weeks old (1 month after my loss). i held them and sobbed for my loss but i was also pleased for her and envious that hers had been born whilst i had nothing.
when your SIL baby arrives you will need even more support and i hope that you get it.(its usually found here)
All the messages on here have been a real help to me. Two weeks on and it still hurts but knowing that we will get through it as others have done ("through it" but not "back to normal") helps.
Unfortunately I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow. Am still bleeding and showing a positive test (how depressing having to pay out money for a test to give me the bad news) so they will scan me and see if I need a ERPC (I had the medical versions two weeks ago).
Beakas, another big hug from me. I still cry every day and am taking another week off work. I need to be a hard nose bi*tch at work and bursting into tears when anyone is nice to me just won't work. Still haven't managed to see anyone other than DH and two close friends but have had lovely messages off people.
Nandos, keep on typing once you feel up to it, we are all here for you.
Charliesmum22, re your DH/DP, I think a lot of it is that they are upset but can be more rational/restrained/choose when to grieve as they don't have the hormones surging through them that we do which make us burst into tears and be completely unpredictable. Also, people seem to forget that it affected them as well. I know my DH has found that everyone asks him how I am, only a few people have asked how HE is. I am trying to ensure that I give him big hugs for no reason just so he knows I am thinking of him. I know he feels so helpless which also doesn't help.
hi sugr, glad to see u back am feeling better after taking a long rest.tummy aches so bad today.. was just thinking that most of us might have gone through the physical pain but the emotional pain is still there a lot of my friends indirectly hinted at me that its not a baby that i lost cos' i lost it at 6wks but to me its my baby i know they dont understand cos' they never been thru' a mc b4 but im still a bit sad.. am i being silly to think its not a baby??
Hi nandos, no your not silly, i think any positive preg result can be called a baby!!! How dare they say that to you, that is so insensitive of them.I still look at my scan of my precious baby and he/she was only 6weeks but i still feel i was attached! Takecare my lovely. sueXXX.
i dont know sue..reading the msgs here still makes me cry maybe those who are prepared to try again should move to the conception thread ..i might join that thread as soon as i feel better emotionally.
Hi nandos, glad the pain's better... I agree with Sue, your baby was your baby and don't let anyone tell you different. Maybe that's their way of trying to process what's happening to you, but it's not helpful at all. They just don't understand.
Re conception thread, I have had a few peeks as it's made me feel a bit stronger thinking that there's hope for the future, but feel that it will be a while before I'm ready. What's just happened is such a big deal and I want to try to make myself as strong as possible before ttc again, just in case this happens again.
Sugr, good to see you back, and I hope you're doing okay. The thought of going back to work and resuming 'normal life' is quite daunting isn't it. Think it's a wise move to take more time... How's your husband doing? So sorry that you've got to go back to the hospital, it must be the last thing you need. Good luck.
Sue, thanks for your message - I reread your last post re dh and yes I think mine is shutting off to an extent. Had a chat with him tonight, and realised that we just feel very differently about what's happened - he's being very philosophical about it, whereas I feel torn apart. He's back into normal life, but for me it's impossible at the moment. I feel like I've left part of me at the hospital last week, and just can't seem to stop that awful sickening feeling. I really hope it does ease soon.
Hi guys, sorry for disappearing, just needed to sit in the corner and have a good sob. Feeling a bit better about things today. Nandos, how are you feeling today honey? I have a huge needle phobia as well, but only had one for my op, into the side of my wrist. The anaesthetists knew I was bricking it, and did such a smashing job of trying to keep me talking, and I was so miserable anyway that I hardly noticed it, honestly. It was worse when they took it out, not through pain, just made my tummy go a bit wobbly. If there's one thing Ive learnt through this its that some people just don't have any tact whatsoever. As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter what stage of pregnancy you're at, to lose a baby (and in my mind that's what it is, no matter hopw many weeks/ months) is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to someone. I have been shocked by peoples reactions (both personally, and by what people have said to you lovely ladies as well) but I think we should just all be grateful that we have support and empathy from each other. I hope that dream was true, and that we do all end up on the same ante natal thread, but not ready just yet. I am still bleeding from the op at the mo (sorry if tmi) but hoping that should stop soon and I can try and at least get my cycle back to normal, if nothing else. Has anyone else suffered from horrific constipation? I have really been struggling. Apparently its due to medication/hormones etc. but it is not nice!! Ive been having nightmares too. DH woke me up in the early hours- I was shocked to find I had tears streaming down my face. Apparently I had been shouting and crying out. I feel guilty for admitting that he has been brilliant though. He doesn't tend to bring it up, but if I do he's there for a hug. I don't think he's told his mother yet but to be honest they're not close, so I'm just going to let him get on with it when he's ready. Charliesmum- I know it sounds naughty but if he seems to have conveniently 'forgotten' maybe it's worth reminding him. I was talking to a male friend of mine who admitted he just wouldn't know how to react if it was his wife/partner, and would probably just try and 'get on with it' in the hope that it would go away.I did tell him that that wouldn't be helpful, but he said that he was a bloke, and blokes aren't always comfortable with talking about 'female stuff' Good god, get a grip. Men are allowed to wear moisturiser and shave their nether regions but can't talk about mc?I don't get it.I do feel the same in that I left a part of me at the hospital. I also keep wondering 'what if they made a mistake?' I did only have one scan, etc.to tell me there was no heartbeat, what if he was facing the wrong way?' guess that would explain the bad dreams...
good afternoon all .. beakas, hope u are feeling better now. may i ask when did u do your d&c? i hope i dont need to go thru' that after my bleeding stops. am going to do a hpt after it stops to make sure i dont have any hcg left in my body. the natural mc was tough on me cos' my tummy(sorry if this sounds like echo) hurts so bad that i am hunched back everytime i wash dishes,iron clothes etc. didnt imagine it would be quite painful. still having clots but its getting lesser by the day. yesterday might be the worst day of bleeding i can say. u are so lucky your dh is very understanding sometimes i wonder why am i even hoping to have my dh's child..sorry if this sounds bad but i am a very emotional person n hes total opposite of me. wished he could be more supporting, loving and say more gentle words rather than ignoring me even when im not having a mc..
just to add: i really envy women who said that they love their hubby very much and would love to have his kids. i dont feel like that from the start of our marriage(5 yrs) maybe i should go to the marriage thread instead for some counselling
hi nandos, I had the op 2 weeks and 2 days ago (not that I'm counting...) Obviously it was a traumatic experience, but I have to admit the worst bit wasn't the operation, but the emotional circumstances surrounding the whole thing. I literally went from being 16 weeks pregnant one day, to finding out the baby had died the next, to having the op the next day..I just felt emotionally drained for days afterwards.They gave me a couple of tablets to 'insert' which were to open the cervix and some painkillers, and then about an hour or so later I had the drip put in and then went to sleep. I felt really groggy afterwards and did pass out, but to be honest I just wanted to get home, which we did, later on that afternoon. Nandos, if you have any questions about it please ask, no matter how daft/ weird/ embarrassing you think they may be, if I can help in any way I am here. Have no pearls of wisdom ref your DH, I wish I did, maybe you hit the nail on the head when you said he's just not the emotional type.xxx
Beakas - have just read the last few posts and I am so sorry for your loss.
I have to go and do the school run but I am part of a MN thread called Eris' thread for bereaved mummies. It is an excellent support. It is not always sad - we have had times when plenty of and dot the posts. There are lovely girls on there who will be able to offer their support.
I dont know how to link you to it but I will hurry and put a message on then it will show in active conversations.
If you feel up to it have a read through the thread - hope to see you 'over there' where people can and will help.
Beakas, glad you're back, and that you're feeling a bit better today. Hope it continues to get a bit easier for you. You're so right about the support that we are getting from each other, I don't know what I'd do without it. Had a phone call today from the lady who's replacing me at work - she demanded to know whether I was better yet (ffs) and whether I would be in next week as she needs to make plans. This is the woman who has somehow found out that I've had a m/c and has taken it upon herself to inform my work colleagues. The result of this is that I am dreading going back to work - I could have coped (I think) if I thought people didn't know, but to go in to a load of sympathy, well, god knows what state I'll be in... Re constipation (I SO hate that word!), yes, I have have been veering between that and an 'upset stomach' - just shows how much what's happened has affected our bodies... I was also retching today (as in pg symptom retching) so I think I must still have hcg in my system. V upsetting. Am with you on the mistake thing - it's an awful thing to keep thinking about and the reality is that they won't have made a mistake, but it is a truly horrible thought...
The conversation that dh and I had last night was quite good - I managed not to get too upset, but at the same time he realised how upset I still am, if that makes sense. Think he feels a bit bad. He suggested this morning that we don't wait a few months to ttc again, but to try as soon as we can (doc said wait at least one month). I don't know how I feel about this - am excited at the thought but scared it would be too early both mentally and physically (read somewhere that after a d&c the lining of the uterus is quite thin and therefore not as good for implanting an egg into). Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
nandos - hope y'day was the worst day and that things get a little easier from here on in. Make sure you take something to help with the pain. Have you got any anti-inflammatory tablets as they are very good at helping with stomach cramps. I'm not sure what to say about how you feel towards your dh. I just hope you are okay. Maybe you should visit the marriage thread as someone there might be able to help you. I will say this though - bear in mind that this is a very emotional and distressing time for you, which is likely to make any other issue in your life more upsetting. We will be here for you if you want to talk about it, whether you go to the marriage thread or not...
Have been lurking here for a few days but feel able to post now.....
Found out on Monday after some brown spotting (which is normal I was told by my GP!!) that my 7.5 week baby (not pregnancy tissue- BABY!!) had died in my womb a few days before and am now at home miscarrying naturally. Am feeling a whole host of emotions- fear, anger, shock and immense grief. We had been trying to conceive for 15 months and the baby was so so so wanted. I have a 5 year old DD by a previous partner and I just want her to have a brother or sister and DH to be a Daddy. Have started bleeding very heavily today, I'm not in pain- just in a mess! I wont be rescanned (to make sure that I have 'passed' everything) til the 27th and am not planning on returning to work til after that- my mind is in pain and I cant even think about work til I can draw a line under this awful sad event both physically and emotionally. Am trying desperatley to keep my mind off things- cleaning, washing, ironing, anything to make me feel normal and take this heavy pain out of my head. DH wants to TTC immediatly and take advantage of my supposed heightened fertility (dirty b**tard!!) but we are going away in August to Greece and my head is saying to enjoy my holiday before I put myself through concern and worry. If i got pg straight away (fat chance!!) I would be 7/8 weeks while we are away and I feel this will now be a milestone in any pregancy i have so really dont want to be abroad at that point. Despite the fact that right now, I dont want another baby. I want this one back
charliesmum and nandos i recognise you from the antenatal club- I'm so sorry you are both here too but hope you are both getting stronger. Today I have actually felt physically weak- I dont know if its the bloodloss but i feel like a zombie.
beakas your story is heart wrenching- hugs to you hun.
Hi mummy2olivia, I wondered whether you would join us, and I'm really glad you have. I'm so sorry about your baby I can totally relate to your worries about the 7/8 week mark in a possible next pregnancy. Pregnancy next time round (fingers crossed we're that lucky) will be a very different experience. You made me cry when you said you want this baby back. I know exactly how you feel.
I read somewhere that the whole experience of miscarriage can leave you feeling exhausted, so make sure you get lots of rest and that you're not doing too much.
By the way, we're going to Italy in August, and I have the same worry as you re timing- think it may be a good idea to wait to ttc - would be terrified going away somewhere and lugging loads of baggage etc at that vulnerable stage. Also would be good to just be able to enjoy the holiday without all that worry at the back of my mind...
Mummy2olivia, sending you HUGE hugs, I'm so sorry for what you're going through at the moment, my heart goes out to you.Please don't make the same mistake as I did and go back to work too soon, it's so important that you take as long as you feel you need, nothing matters more than that. (especially if the bastards made you redundant when they found out you were pregnant like they did with me, grr, but that's another story) Charliesmum-I feel really weird about trying again. Think I would just be petrified of the whole bloody thing happening again. I found myself throughout the whole 16 weeks making 'deals'. I am not a religious person but kept saying to 'someone' "I'll be the best Mummy in the world if you keep my baby safe and healthy" etc.etc. And yet it still all went wrong. He was just soooo wanted and we had tried for so long (sorry for going on about it)If I found out again that we were pregnant I would be locking myself in a darkened room for 9 months I think..Part of me doesn't want anything other than MY baby, the one that died. Shabster- thankyou so much for the link, I shall pop by and see you.x
The really weird thing is that I have kind of known all through this pregnancy that something was wrong. I didnt know what but something was just niggling me.....
Found out was pregnant very early (at 3+5) and stupidly thought it meant hormone levels must be good and strong. However, have never had any symptoms other than spots and sore boobs. Nothing. Na da. Havent even felt pregnant. However when pregnant with DD I was a spewing, retching, dizzy, pale, messed up monster of a pregnant woman. Completely different. was assured by numerous people that it was because 'no pregnancy is the same'- and this is probably true in majority of cases. But I am a great believer that if you feel like something is wrong/not quite right, then you are usually right. It was odd because as much as I hoped all would be ok somewhjere in the back of my mind I couldnt see myself having this baby I just knew it wasnt meant to be born.
When i was told he was gone (I'm sure its a boy!!) it was like confirmation. Still extremely sad and didnt quite believe it but was expecting it.
I have put all my pregnancy tests, a cuddly monkey, a congrats card and a scan pic in a tin under my side of the bed. I feel silly but I dont care- he may have only been 7 weeks old but he was still a baby in my mind. And I'm still his mummy.
Oh m2o, that's just how I felt - I was convinced something was wrong from a few days after we found out. I didn't feel sick but with DS was v poorly from 5 weeks... I was so worried up to the first scan (they do them early here) where we were told it was too early to see the heartbeat (I was 6+4), and then we had to wait 6 days to go back again. We did see the baby's heartbeat, but then after 5 days of relief and telling myself to be more positive the worst happened. Although I know I am lucky to have seen our baby's heart beating (and I will never forget it) I almost wish they'd have given us the final news sooner. The doctor thinks it's heart stopped 2 days after the scan, and it just seems so cruel, taunting us with what could have been. I also have the scan pic, the pregnancy test, and the cards from some flowers we received all put away safely. I miss my baby so much, and I never even got to meet him/her.
mummy2olivia, glad you are here to join us ..we are all here to support you if you need. I find that mumsnet is my bestfriend now my mind is a total mess right now as you can see from february i have been from the conception thread to the antenatal, to the miscarriage and now to the relationship thread(due to lack of support from dh) anywayz back to you.. i think you need to take a lot of rest cos' you have a dd to take care of as well as yourself. my friend told me(she had a recent mc as well) the body is very weak and need to rest and lie down whenever possible. als cut back on your houseowrk cos' it can be quite a strain on your body..
Back to the hospital today to be told everything looks OK and to go back for final blood tests in a week.
Had to go and sit in a coffee shop whilst waiting for results and it was full of pregnant women and new born babies. Managed to only cry twice but am scared how I am ever going to get back into the real world. My boss keeps telling me to take off as much time as I need but I am worried that I will make things worse by not restarting my life.
Beakas, I feel the same way. I want to start ttc (in our case it was IVF) but can't even contemplate the 9 months of stress if successful
Nandos, I agree with the rest bit and have got used to my afternoon nap whilst (trying to) watch murder she wrote each afternoon. Due to the recent good weather our tv reception has been awful (down to BBC1 and 2 only) so today the Sky man arrived so I now have more programs to fall asleep to.
Nandos- am sorry your DH has been unsupportive. My DH is the loveliest person ever but emotionally he is utter shit. He has been there with cuddles and strokes and has shed tears with me. He has even taken this week off work to be with me. BUT he is a man of few words and has thrown himself into a sudden urge to move house ie. booking valuations and booking appts to go and see houses. weird. But it seems to be his way of dealing with things- keeping his mind off it. Focussing on something else.
mummy2- your MIL said WHAT???? Does your DH KNOW? How could she say such a thing? I am thinking of writing a booklet for people in our situation to hand out to relatives, friends, colleagues etc. as to what wise arse things NOT to say, and suggestions of things that may have a positive impact. I am just baffled beyond bafflement (?!) as to reactions of some people. Sugr, I thought it would be the best thing too, to get back into work and 'normality' as quickly as possible. I know people need different things, but I do wish now that I personally had had a couple of days on my own. I hated the thought at the time, but in hindsight I think I was a bit smothered by DH, parents, etc. and maybe a day or two of watching murder she wrote may have helped!! You have all the time in the world to re-start your laugh, just take each day as it comes. Could you go back to work part time? Or even for shorter days? I think that would have helped me as well...hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I wish i had the cheek and the swinging brick where my heart should be to get away with saying stuff like that. I commend her for being such an old boot but still managing to raise my gorgeous well-adjusted husband.
at least you are in contact with your MIL mummy2olivia. mine is only after DH's money she thinks we are goldminers/millionaire/moneystamper..whatever u call it.
She is actually a fantastic lady and has been very supportive about the MC. She is just very blunt. It used to upset me but it makes me and DH laugh now.
Bleeding has got very heavy now- passing some clots and have period pain. At 7 weeks how much bleeding can I expect? You wouldnt think there would be that much in there but I have had 2 days of heavy thick red clotty blood. I hate it- its a constant reminder.
actually, i thought yesterday was quite heavy for me, but today it got much heavier and i took panadol for the pain..so its calmed down a bit now..the pain
Sugr - glad your appt went okay. What is the blood test for next week - hcg levels?
Re sky - I have a friend who swears by QVC, you know the channel that sells jewellery? Haven't dared visit, but she's got loads of lovely stuff from there, not real but it fools me. Retail therapy, can think of worse things...
Hi everyone, sugr.. [shock} must be hard for u to take that comment.. i hope yesterday night was my worst bleeding ever took 3 panadol cos' the pain was too unbearable. and this morn at 5.30 everything(the sac n stuff) were out.. i thought my whole womb is gonna collapse. no kidding hopefully i dont need to go through this again..really bad experience ..sorry if tmi
Nandos-that must have been horrific for you. Please stay tucked up warm and get lots of rest. Not a bad thing to keep taking regular top ups of painkillers if its helping, but hopefully the physical pain has subsided for you now..think we could all do with a group hug!! Mummy2O, Charliesmum, how are you guys both feeling today? Sugr, I am dreading seeing my neighbour. I told her at 12 weeks about the baby and she was so excited. I have gone out of my way to avoid her since, she must have developed a complex. Am hoping the flowers and cards on the windowsill will have given it away, but I guess I will have to be brave sometime and just tell her.
mummy2- meant to say, sorry, don't know how much bleeding to expect, but hope it's calmed down a bit now? Do you fancy going halves on that tenner fron Nandos?!I'll meet you in the 'feminine hygeine' section..
Hi beakas, doing okay thanks, but v tired today. All I want to do is sleep! How are you feeling?
Can you not leave a little note for your neighbour? I found it difficult to tell the few people we'd told, so I emailed a couple of people and texted the others. It's not the best way to tell people such sad news but if it s
Did he apologise? I do hope so...
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