Many thanks to everyone who has contributed to our Miscarriage Code of Practice recommendations for Alan Johnson, Lord Darzi all other UK health ministers. We've compiled into a list of 10 key recommendations here.
She didn't actually want to tell anyone that she was expecting, and asked her close family to keep it secret, but my stupid silly cow exMIL told DD, even though she was asked not too.
I've just had a call from my ex to tell me that sadly his sister has lost the baby so I need to tell DD tonight.
No clever wording and I don't know how old your dd is but I have always told my children that the baby wasn't developing properly and so it couldn't continue to grow into a baby and hat we were sad that the baby wouldn't be coming after all. They usually accepted that.
How sad for you all. I haven't been in your position but when we were expecting dd3 and dd1 was 9 I did have to explain the concept of miscarriage. We told the girls we were expecting at around 12 weeks. Dd1 wanted to know why she hadn't been told earlier! Her exact words were 'and why wasn't I told' (9 going on 50) - so I explained that as juuule said, sometimes babies don't grow as they should and die during the pregnancy. I explained that this was actually very common. Both my girls were quite shocked and upset at this idea - it got me off the hook with dd1 though - she was prepared to accept it was ok for me to have kept the pregnancy quiet for a bit then I think you should be prepared for your dd to be upset and you should encourage her to ask anything she needs to.
Hi, having had experience of this can i just say that I'm with NorthernLurker on this one. My dd is 8 and I have had 4 successive miscarriages, the first 2 of which she has knowledge of because we had told her and were blissfully unaware of what had gone wrong. Have learned since to err on the side of caution. She was understandably upset when we had to tell her what had happened. We explained that we had some sad news, Mummy and Daddy are were sad and we understood that she would be sad too, that the baby that mummy was going to have had not grown properly so there was no longer a baby in mummy's tummy. I must say that I think it is really important to be prepared for any questions that they may feel the need to ask and to answer them honestly, it really is the best policy. This is a matter of personal preference but I also placed emphasis on how small the pregnancy was at that stage because whilst from the moment I knew I was pregnant I did see it as 'my baby' I was upset at the thought of dd with her innocent mind perhaps visualising a baby that had died so I did tell her that it was too small to look like a baby yet and wouldn't have been able to think or feel any pain. I must say that she handled it remarkably well, but then I think in these situations children bounce back quicker than us adults. Best of luck and sorry for your family's loss x
I told my (then) 5yo that mummy was either going to have a baby, or that I was going to be poorly, once I realised I was PG. I had had a number of MC's before dd arrived, so knew there was a good chance something would go wrong. I figured tell the truth or risk her sensing something was wrong and feeling responsible.
Also, due to a lack of childcare, she had to come to the hospital with me for a few of the appointments, so in the end I told her.
Mummy had a baby growing in her tummy. When it first starts to grow it isn't really like a baby at all...it's a little collection of tiny pieces that will eventually make a baby. With mummy, that didn't work out properly. The little pieces didn't fit together, so mummy was poorly and the hospital took al lthe little pieces away for me.
I'd be sad for a little while, but it wasn't really too bad as I'd got one big girl already and that made me really happy.
She didn't ask me many questions then, but she occasionally asks me about all the babies I didn't have. I always say that having babies was just something I was a bit rubbish at. Ideally, I'd have liked her to have lots of brothers and sisters, but that didn't happen. And if we hadn't lost the other babies, we might never have had her! And that would make me sad.
Her (then) 6yo head (going on 60) said, but it wouldn't really matter, would it? Because I wouldn't have known her! So I said that was true, but now I do know her, so we don't have to worry about it.
Sorry...I've just realised I'm rambling, but hope this helps. So sorry for your ex SIL and for your DD who now has to face grief (possibly) as a result of Mad MIL's inability to keep gob shut!
At my last miscarriage we answered any questions the children had (aged 5 and 7) - they were sad, but I think its much better to explain - so they don't get the wrong idea. I did talk about it as a baby and as it having died in my tummy - and they understood it. They believe that their souls are in heaven along with their Great-auntie's and I think they find that comforting (I say their because since I have told them about an earlier miscarriage I had).
