throughout pg was very clear LO would have DP's surname. When it came to crunch i found it very painful when it came to crossing my name out. Am going to add my name as middle name which you can do easily within 12 months. Now wondering if I really wish i'd gone for double barrel after all (not keen in some ways but have talked to a few friends who like me gave their LO their DP's name and have found they mind more than they thought) - but adding a surname would be a bigger deal as would involve changing LO's name by deedpoll which seems a bit heavy.

So, in compromise, wondering if it would be silly to have my name as a middle name and sometimes use it double barrel style and sometimes not? or to use it as a full name even tho not official?

My mum gave me her maiden name as my middle name. It's still my middle name, even though I am now married myself - so I have 'lost' my dad's name as my surname, but my mum's name will always be my middle name if that makes sense. I like it!

changing name by deed poll is no hassle at all if you really want to. You can do it online, or ask a solicitor to draw up change of name deeds that cost no more than £50.
I think that would be easier than 'unofficial names' I'd hate my children to have a different surname to me. Not sure why women do it.

why don't you all go double barrelled?

Our LO is the same - has my name as middle name and DPs as her surname. Know what you mean - it feels a bit sad somehow, but ours were just too darn long to be double barrelled - would have sounded ridiculous. I think the middle name is a good compromise and then she can use it or not as she likes.

good old mn - thanks for swift replies. i like all those answers - wish i could feel clearer about which route to go down. dp not keen on giving dd double barrelled name but think i could convince him. agree with you oranges - even tho i am one of them now can't understand why so many women happily surrender their name. i feel a pang every time i have to give her name and it's not mine. dp says he'd be happy for her to have just my name - prefer that to double barrelled but i don't want her not to have his name either really. sometimes think things were so much easier when aged 21 you married the boy next door and changed your name.

I wish I'd given my DC's my surname instead of their dads.

We're no longer together and I am in a new relationship, and having another child, DP and I are planning on getting married in the next couple of years so myself, DP and the baby will all be the same yet my eldest two won't.

It's also quite annoying when we go to say the doctors or something and people automatically assume that DP is the father so call him the wrong surname, and then realise neither myself nor him have the same name as the DC's.

Teapot my dd has my surname as a middle name and dp's name as her surname. We didn't want to double barrel as my surname has 2 syllables and his has 3 (so it would be a real mouthful).....plus we do plan on marrying at some point, so although i'm not really bothered about using his surname (and may not change from my name when we marry) at least for convenience i will have the same name as dd when that happens. That was the only thing i worried about in giving her his name and there have been some situations where me and her having different surnames has caused confusion eg at her nursery.

I guess using your name as a middle name is fine as a compromise if that makes you happy, it certainly was enough for me to be honest.

why doesn't he like double barrelled?

ds has got dh's surname, i have kept my own even though i prefer his really, that woman with the other surname isn't me

forgot to say Teapot that one condition of dd having dp's surname was he gave me carte blanche on her first name! obviously if he had HATED my choice i might have gone for something else but luckily he liked it.....

I know of a couple of who have taken a novel approach: they both have long names (one foreign) which there was no way they could double barrel. So their children have a different name to either of them! . It does have a hisotrical connection to them, bit it is certainly a different way of apporachong the issue.

Ds has dh's name, while I still use my own (foreign and unsual) name. I have to admit to regretting slightly that we didn't put my name into ds' in some way, as it looks like the Scottish "branch" will die out (at least name-wise) as my db doesn't look like he is going to produce any offspring.

the other option of course is for me to change my name to DP's - i'd keep my name as middle name/work name - had it way too long to say goodbye completely - but not convinced by that option etiher. just can't imagine myself called a different name. what's interesting is how you can think you think one thing - really confidently - and then once the baby is here feel really quite differently. it's slightly wrongfooted me to find myself feeling so strongly about it and that's probably why i can't pin down the solution.

Why not hyphenate? That's what we did. Never been a problem. Told them as they get older that they can choose either name or both if they want. Haven't wanted to yet.

we have discussed creating a brand new family name for all of us... quite like that idea... dp also suggested girl children have my name, boy children his, but i hate the idea of them having different names just as much1

Interestingly, if you were to get married then you could re-register the birth and change the surname to yours or to a combination of the two names if you wanted.

oranges -- I am married but have my own name; DS has DH's name because our names sound ridiculous double-barrelled (one name is a noun and one an adjective), and of the two names I prefer DH's aesthetically. It's virtually impossible to come up with first names that sound good with my last name AND it's a pain to spell. It's no contest on which one to saddle someone with for life. Had my parents given me my mother's original surname as all or part of mine then it would have been a different story. It doesn't bother me at all to have a different name from DS. Anyway, cant speak for why women (plural) do it, but that's why one woman did.

I know the feeling of dilemma with names. I kept my surname when I married, but later, after ds was born, both dh and I changed our names and gave ds that surname, so it was like creating our own little unit, not bound by a patriarchal line, iyswim. And I still keep my unmarried name for professional reasons, so feel I didn't subsume my identity.

portandlemon - that makes sense - we kind of had that reasoning too - both dh and I have long convoluted surnames so it was a relief to just pick a shorter one!

i think i'm leaning towards double barrelled esp as oranges says it's so easy to change - i've never really liked them as a rule - and what happens in the next generation? their kids could end up with four surnames! apart from that i do think our names would sound ok double barrelled, in terms of syllable count. feel slightly weird if dd ever found out that i'd changed my mind tho. don't know why - silly really. plus dp not keen on db.

that's interesting oranges. we've talked about doing that. i like the idea of creating our own clan without all the connotations of patriarchal lines etc. how did you pick the name?

Mexican men and women always double barrel their names, then when they get married, they keep one of the names and adds one of the new partners names. You don't have to keep extending the name for ever!

the other thing is, double barrels are so common these days, it's really not a big deal. but what DO people do when they have children of their own?

Speculating about Partandlemon's potential double barrel. Ruby-Port? Tawny-Port?

It's a long story, but essentially, it's part of dh's name, which meant a lot to both of us.

yes i've heard that about spanish names too - it would be nice if there were a way of making it about a union rather than the woman taking the man's name always.

you can actually change your names to anything you want. Maybe it's time to start new traditions!

I like Montague, Montgomery, Gillespie, Winstanley......A few nice sexy sur names for you all

I am not married and I have split from my ex and my two children have their Dad's sur name. It's not the end of the World I guess, at least it shows that their Dad was in their lives to start with. Maybe I'm too sensitive about that though.

My children are double-barrelled - what they do when they start their own families is their problem!

I suspect they will drop dp's name because it only needs one letter changed to make it something embarrassing!

Oranges, my DS has my DP's surname. I was not and am not bothered about him having a different surname to me. Also, DP's older son has his mother's surname, and DP suspects that this was because he was little more than a sperm donor to her - she kicked him out when DSS was a toddler. So it was important to him that our DS had his name. I can't speak for anyone else but that's why this woman did it.

I love the idea of creating a new family name for all of you. Then you can choose anything you want.
My DP would never have considered this so DSs took his name. I got so fed up of having a different name to them that I changed mine by deed poll. We'll probably get married at some point so I would have changed eventually anyway.
btw, I hated my surname and DP's was better so I didn't mind changing. If I'd loved my surname I might not have been happy to surrender it so easily.

I double barrelled my sons name and although i'm glad he has both surnames on I hate the pretentiousness of the double barrell. In hindsight I wish I'd just put my surname on.

Re. creating a new surname, you could join your two surnames together, i.e. Johnson and Tomkinson could be Johnkinson or similar.

As regards to what happens on subsequent marriage, I am told traditionally it is usual to drop the first part of the barrell. So Miss Johnson-Tomkinson marrying Mr Doolally would be Mrs Tomkinson-Doolally.

Having said that though I think people can do pretty much whatever they like nowadays!

But if giving a baby the mother's name only relegating the man to the role of sperm donor, isn't giving it the father's name equally relegating the woman to the status of egg donor?

But if giving a baby the mother's name only relegating the man to the role of sperm donor, isn't giving it the father's name equally relegating the woman to the status of egg donor?

just thinking about new traditions for creating surnames -

the place you met "Pub"... the place you first stayed in on holiday together "tent" - not great so far...

Bluestocking I have two dss with their mum's surname for exactly the same reason - would prefer no involvement from their dad at all. I know not all mums do it for this reason but it's sad isn't it. Oldest dss had dp's surname registered, mum then unofficially changed it, and registered youngest dss in her surname.

DS has DP's surname for this reason, and also I hate my own surnme and can't wait to get rid of it myself!! Sometimes I get called mrsDP/DS, but I don't mind.

I think if you are going to change your LOs name, do it sooner rather than later.

Seeker, it is a sad fact that some women view a father figure is of no importance, find a gullible man, have a child then cut all ties, knowing that as 'egg donor' daddy will never get custody unless mum is a risk.

The place where they were conceived - I would have an ArbutusLodgeCork and a CahirsiveenHolidayCottage!

Bluestocking - I think that's way it's important to me that she has dp's name in there - because it's easier for father's to disappear (mine did), even tho I absolutely know that this one won't in a million years. but now i think it's a bit sad that that means the woman surrendering her own name - Mankymummy i know what you mean about double barrelled names seeming a bit pretentious which is why it didn't comea s first choice, btu can now udnertand why it's a great solution and also they're so common now they have a differnt feel to htem these days i think. but i also think traditions are useful so that there doesn't need to be a tortuous thought process, so let's think up some new ones!

the place conceived - Home. Quite like that as a surname!

My dc's last names would also be a constant reminder of how their parent's standard of living plummetted once dd arrived!

Agggh - errant apostrophe - parents', I meant!

I am 15 weeks with my first baby. I didn't change my surname when I got married 8 years ago, but now have an overwhelming desire to haver the same name as baby. Mine and DH's surnames are just too long and unwieldy together to consider double barrelling - which I generally don't like anyway. His is the far more practical, spellable option!

I have just started looking into how to change my surname -looks like it'll take me until September! I'm established in my job and profession, so I'll keep my maiden name for work.

I have my surname, dh has his and ds has mine - dh's choice, I would have gone for double barrel or giving ds mine as a middle. Doesn't cause any problems at all beyond a few raised eyebrows among the neighbours and school mums (we live in a middle-class commuter town with a Tory MP...). But I don't give a toss about that! I might have felt a tiny pang if dh's surname wasn't so boring and common (as he freely admits - that's why he wasn't bothered).

I didn't change my name either when I married DH. I felt very protective over my name after my mother unofficially changed it to her second husbands and I only got my real name back when I went to university. We gave DD DH's name and it never occured to me to do any different but reading this thread I realise I've had a nagging doubt about our choice. I don't like DD having a differennt surname to me and I don't won't to change mine. They're far too long to double barrel so we're probably stuck with the status quo. That makes me a little

I didn't change my surname on marriage.
The DDs have DH's surname and mine as a middle name.
I was going to double barrel but didn't - too many syllables and was worried about the pretentiousness factor.

I wish i had now. They could always have "dropped" my part of the double barrel for everyday use, but it would have been there as a formality. When they get older if they didn't want to be double barrelled, they could have chosen which bit to "use" everyday, and i bet they would have gone with mine! (Far, far nicer).

From time to time i do double-barrel mine, as i do tend to get asked "are you the mum?" (my hair is blonde, they are brunette)

i feel a bit sad too gingerninja.

mine are just 'known as' the double barrel with just dps on the birth certificate
it is fine school/doctors etc no one flinched

So PYBF, yours are officially DP's name but are known as Yours-His? that's what i was thinking of doing. did that come about because you regretted your choice?
what's quite interesting is how many of us think we'll be happy with one way in theory but in practice feel a bit differently.
maybe BO surname, c.f Madonna and Prince

So PYBF, yours are officially DP's name but are known as Yours-His? that's what i was thinking of doing. did that come about because you regretted your choice?
what's quite interesting is how many of us think we'll be happy with one way in theory but in practice feel a bit differently.
maybe BO surname, c.f Madonna and Prince

whoops

we double barrelled and hyphenated mine and dp's names for dd's sake. it's a bit clumsy sounding, particularly as she has 2 middle names. but at least there's something of both of us in there and if he ever deigns to marry me we can all have his name as it's much nicer than mine.

By the time Elizabeth Lewington-Williams has written her name on her worksheet it will be playtime

Just musing on some poor 5-year olds I have worked with. Ignore me.

My dds have dp's surname so everyone knows they are his and he isn't just my latest boyfriend.

I live in Greece, and here women don't take their husbands' surnames on marriage. You have to sign a paper when you get married agreeing on whose surname any children you have will take. We decided on dh's, as I thought it would be easier for dcs to grow up in Greece with a Greek surname rather than my English one. It doesn't bother me that ds has dh's surname, and although officially I still have my own surname, socially I often use Mrs Dh. To be honest I can't see what the problem is, it's not like I chose my surname in the first place anyway.(besides, they pronouce dh's much better than mine!!)

yes exactly ALiTTLETEAPOT

I put his just name and then instantly regretted it

it was only after dc2 was born that i added my family name and have never looked back

no one even questioned it when we applied for passports!

Tom has daddys surname. We are engaged, have been since way before Tom was on the scene. We will get married (one day) and I will take the same name. Saves faffing around with changing Toms name on everything, will have to do so myself though.

Tom would probably have my name if me and DF weren't together. My cousin gave her son her name and she is no longer with his dad. My mum doesn't like it that Tom doesn't have our name!

My friend had this problem and just gave her son her last name as a middle name instead of double barrelling the surname if you see what I mean. It actually sounds really nice in her case but it depends the upon names in question!

DP and I are in this situation as well - first child due in August, we're not married and each have a distinctive three syllable surname. I like them both but can't bear the idea of our kid not having my name somewhere, for various reasons (it's a really important part of my identity/I'm the only one carrying it on now brother has died/hairy-legged feminist reasons). So I guess we're double-barrelling, but it's going to be a right mouthful! At the moment we're leaning towards letting the child pick which one it uses later in life...I suppose if it's got both then at least it's got the option to choose.

On the upside, it makes picking a first name somehow easier, since basically it's got to be short and to the point - no Aramintas or Zachariahs here

cyteen You are giving your child a 6 syllable surname? Can you not use one as a middle name, or blend the name? I have a double-barrelled surname (DH's name) and it does bug me that people assume that one of the names was mine before we married.

my kids both have a different surname from me, and different surnames from each other!!!
so when i have to make appointments for the 3 of us, i have to give 3 different names, but i dont mind!

whats with all this stepford wife stuff - ie "oh i like my children to have the same surname as me!"

whats that all about?

my friends's husband left her for another woman, and she hates him with all her heart, yet she refused to change her surname when they got divorced so she could keep the same name as her kids. Why would you want to keep that bastard's name??

Why is it Stepford wife to want to show you are a family unit by having the same name?

hanaflower - yes, it's getting both our names, this is non-negotiable. They go well together so I don't think it's a big deal - it's no different to friends who've had a long first name and a four or five syllable surname IMO.

We had this dilemma and in the end it was all down to who had the nicest/most interesting surname...

DS has dpsurname-mysurname as his hyphenated surname.

He loves it that he has a name from each of us, it's completely obvious what our family relationship is whern we all put our names down together somewhere...and these days because of so many unmarried couples and / or women choosing not to adopt a man's name, double-barrelled names aren't even pretentious any more.

But he does have a one syllable first name and no middle name!

This thread has been so interesting. Thank you. i'm now sure i want to change dd to double barrel. will only be three syllables in total and i've been playing with it in my head and now feel sure it's right - it's who she really is. just have to persuade dp now... but having made the decision feel SO much happier.

I've always used my own name. The deal when DD was on the way was that girls would have my name and boys would have DH's.

I didn't want my name disappearing - as the woman's name usually does. Of course it's still a man's name, but you have to start somewhere.

My dd has dp's surname - mine is used as an extra middle name for her, which is nice but i do feel weird that she has a different surname from me.

I am married but did not take my husband's name and don't see why our DCs should just have his name and not mine (esp given that I will be doing the rather important "giving birth" bit!)

We're having our first LO in May and have decided to go down a slightly different route of using both surnames but not hyphenating them, so our baby will have 3 names in everyday use rather than the usual 2. I have come across quite a few people at work who have 3 names in this way and I think it sounds lovely in a kind of old-fashioned way.

Of course, it might be a bit of a palavar for the LO having to explain his / her 3 names to everyone all the time and in future he / she may decide to drop one of the them from everyday use just for ease which would be fine with us.

Now begins the debate about whose name goes first and whose goes second...

novicemama, exactly the same for us! It's the way forward

That's all fine, but what if your mothers had thought the same way, so you had two names? Which of your two surnames would you give your child? What if your husband had two names too - which combination of the four names would you pick?
The mind boggles. Personally I have found it hard enough keeping my maiden name at work, people ring up and ask for "Mrs Married", get confused by my voicemail etc. I like all 3 of us having the same name, it took some time to get used to my husband's surname but I prefer the traditional approach.

Someone mentioned Spain earlier, and I just wanted to clarify. Here, no one changes anything when they get married. Everyone has two surnames - father's first surname and mother's first surname, in that order.

So, if Pedro Campos Suarez and Juana Garcia Soto have a baby, he would be called e.g. Juan Campos Garcia.

It works! And, because it is the norm here, no one has any trouble working out family connections.

However, it doesn't get around the issue of patriarchal lines, because after one generation the mother's input is lost, i.e. when little Juan goes on to have a baby, he will only pass on Campos, which came from his father. The Garcia will be lost.

If my mum had given me her surname as well as my dad's, there would have been no problem picking one over the other - one is very cool, the other is really not

I dont understand why it is so hard to give dc the fathers name??? I gave my son my DPs name, I would not have felt right if i gave my name to my ds, i mean aside from tradition its his child too. No one can assume that the child isnt yours, but if the kid doesnt have your dp/dh's name then its as if he has no connection to child.

Personally, I am not a big fan of double barrelled names or 'made up' surnames

We double barrelled our first daughters name because we wanted to both be on her stone. The registrar said if it wasn't for the fact she was registering the birth of a baby who had died she wouldn't register a double barrel name.

It's a Scottish tradition to give the baby mum's surname as a middle name. My DSS has his mothers name. I think it's nice, especially when the couple isn't married.

TinkerbellesMum how sad for you.
They seem quite strict about this is Scotland, loads of dmsurname-ddsurname (or vice versa) round here even saw a triple barrelled the other day!

My youngest has mine and her dad's surnames as her surname but not double-barrelled and to be know only by my surname. Everyone's happy

I don't believe you have to do a deedpoll to change your surname. I switched to my mum's surname at 18 - my parents split up when I was born and my mum went back to her "maiden name". It took time and I had two surnames at university - cheque books still in my dad's name for some time and when I finally got it sorted they once got really suspicious of my signature because I was getting confused....

My brother and sister had their dad's name in childhood but then also started using my mum's name when their dad left our mum.

There is a catch with double barrelling - cousin (mum's sister's daughter) was known by her mum's surname as a child and then decided to hyphenate mum and dad's names after parents broke up (it was perhaps more her mum's decision to split) and also her dad died 10 years ago. She now has two daughters of her own - different fathers too (hence dads have different names) and you can't really hyphenate indefinitely!

Some people mocked as it is that ds has 3 middle names - a family first/middle name each plus dp's surname as a middle name, then my surname.

Having gone to the trouble of changing my name once I've no intention of ever doing it again.

I am not married to my partner (yet) but I wouldn't dream of my baby having my maiden name. If we split up the baby is still my DPs, you can't just pretend he had nothing to do with it because the surname isn't the same. Plus I wouldn't wish my surname on anyone!

I did the same as novicemama. When I got married - at a fairly ripe age - I didn't want to surrender my name so tacked my husband's on the end but with no hyphen (a la Hillary Rodham Clinton). My daughter has the same double surname as me. Double and double-barrelled names are much more common now and no longer the preserve of the aristocracy. If/when my daughter marries (or before) she can choose what to do with her name - the Spanish model or a version of it seems a good way to go.

when i got married my husband changed his surname to mine - so my dc have my name

When I was expecting, xp insisted dd had his surname. I wasn't completely convinced and when she arrived I knew I couldn't have a different surname to her. Xp refused to discuss it and it was such a big deal for me I ended up asking the registrar to double barrel it mine-his (it sounded much better that way round).

I actually prefer xp's surname to mine anyway, and the combo sounds good so I don't mind the db. I've been referred to as 'Mrs (db name)' a few times so I'm already starting to drop his surname - it just makes things a lot less complicated as he's not involved, and it'll be easier for her to spell too. I do like the idea of her being able to choose what to use in the future, esp as I feel having both surnames reflects her mixed heritage.

What does bug me is that he and all of his family address her mail using his surname only, and me mine - 'dd (his surname)' c/o 'me (my surname)' - like they're stating on the envelope she belongs to him and I'm just her mother I know, I'm probably just being over sensitive

my child has MySurname-DadSurname double barrelled.we would not have had it any other way. Inevitably we still get cards ScottishBubba Daddy surname but the ole timers just cant get with the new fankled ways.. dont read anything into it, just they don't get the concept

Yes, that happens to us too. Not sure if it's because husband's family don't remember or do remember but want no truck with my high-falutin' townie ways.

aye fancy pants townies an' their high floutin ways tbh livin in sin shocked them enough

"I don't believe you have to do a deedpoll to change your surname."

I'm currently changing my surname to my married one (after only 8 years!) cos 1- it's a pain in the bottom and 2 - I want to have the same name as my bump, and I wouldn't really want to bless anyone with my painful surname. I still get to be Dr H at work through and Mrs C elsewhere.

Anyway, you don't need to do a deed poll. If you get married then you don't need anything other than a marriage certificate. Banks want proof of ID change too - I guess there's security implications here. If you just want to be "known" as something else, then you let people know. Other organisations have different takes on what level of ID you need to change name. I think the tax office and NI want marriage cert . passport type level, NHS wanted marriage cert, but credit card, bizzarely dod it over the phone.

Have often thought it would be good to get a doctorate (if I had the time and brains) just to avoid all those irritating 'is that Miss, Mrs or Ms?' questions ....

at Madbad...

It is good, except for when you get to a hotel very late and tired on a buisness trip and the receptionist askes if it's Miss or Mrs and you reply, out of habit, "It's Dr actually" in front of non-Dr collegues, who then tease you about it for years to come.

At the time, doing the doctorate seemed like an easier option than getting a proper job!

Bikerunski -



If they're teasing you, it must be because they love you (in a supportive, professional, colleague-y way, naturally).

Respect for the PhD.