Hi you could be describing me, but my dh died just over three years ago, I felt like I had nothing to give after being a carer for nearly fourteen years, no cv to get a job, no confidence to go out and meet someone new, and really rather depressed about everything, and I was clinically depressed as well. It can last years and is very disabling. I hang around my daughter because I feel safe with her. She says its time to get a life as she puts it yet I dont know where to start. I wish it was different. I also tried a degree, I was in the middle of one when he died. I gave up as it seemed pointless I suggest you give your mum some quality time, when she feels she is special to you, Be loving firm and kind as being on your own can be scary when you have been married a long time. I am happy to talk to her if she would like to.

Perhaps she's a bit nervous about trying new things on her own. Perhaps you could offer to do something with her, like an evening class and then drop out once she's used to it.

I would stop suggesting things to her tbh, it sounds like she wants to play games with herself as the victim (and her refusing all your suggestions sounds very much like this).

I would turn it around and ask her what she wants you to do for her. Make her think up the ideas and just be there as a sounding board if needed but stop engaging in the ideas/rejection bit and then she can't carry it on alone.

Is there a branch of JJB nearby. I started going there in October (I have a husband) and have met so many people at classes etc. We often end up having a cuppa after the class and getting to know each other.

It would be nice for her to meet some other women that are in a simular postition, so maybe some sort of counselling would be good for her.

Scrappy, after 10 years, she could do with coming to terms with his sad and untimely death. Can you get her to think about grief counselling? She really sounds like she hasn't moved forward very much and she's putting herself into a glass box.

Thanks for all your replies...
doodle - she loves her grandkids but apparently doesn't want to be too involved cos shes 'done that'
lollipop - have suggested charity work but she isn't keen although i think she just has to find her 'cause'
She doesn't want to find someone new cos that would betray my dad apparently (us kids have no probs with it)
She finds churches hypocritical...
Like the idea of a book group will suggest that
sigh - shes just so difficult - tbh I think she just wants to sit sobbing at my dads grave all the time but knows she can't (sorry if it sounds harsh but my patience has run a bit thin...)

My mum was widowed at 46 but was working at the time. But a few years later she got made redundant and so had to fill her time. Basically she did (and sometimes still does)

Adult education classes
Library/book group
Voluntary work
Joined her school's old girls reunion and has met up with various friends whom she now sees on a regular basis

ramblers?

Does she attend a local church or mosque? (or any other similar place of course - I don't know you or her of course so hope this isn't an inappropriate thing to say)

They may welcome help with lots of different activities, our church for example has a lady of your mum's age helping at toddlers' group in the week.

MATCH .COM

my mum met a bloke and it so very very happy

Even if she doesn't "have" to work, perhaps a few hours part time (voluntary or paid) doing something she would enjoy might be suitable. It would help to break the week up perhaps.

Charity work isn't just charity shops as I am sure you know. Hospitals etc sometimes have volunteers to take the drinks/library books round. As you say she is still young, a charity like Age Concern would probably love to have her as a volunteer for example befriending older people.

Would she enjoy a gym. Or perhaps more study but something more fun and less commitment than a degree? (cake decorating springs to mind but only because I would like to do that)

Ooh sorry just realised this is in gransnet and I am not a gran, but will post anyway!

Baby sitting!

Basically my dad died 10 years ago leaving my mum a relatively young widow (49). Shes never really got over his death and has struggled to make a life for herself. Shes fortunate in that she doesn't have to work but she is constantly on the phone to me saying how lonely she is, and has nothing to do. I sympathize but have run out of things to say. She started a degree course but quit cos it wasn't for her, doesn't want to travel cos thats what her and my dad were planning to do. Hates being shoved together with 'old ladies' cos shes on her own.... HELP any suggestions as to what she can do??