And there are plenty more , but I MUST stop embarrassing myself. What the hell, I'm over here in Australia, nobody there knows me heehee

• After painting the bathroom walls without clothes on cos it’s the middle of summer, you MUST always check yourself in the shower before going to the doctor for a boob check-up
• DO NOT forget to do this, otherwise, he just can’t help himself, he just has to ask you what on earth all the blue over your boobs is

• When you go shopping for a new quilt, you MUST NOT pull one out from a tightly packed shelf without asking for help from an assistant.
• Otherwise, YOU MUST keep walking away when the whole lot of shelving collapses around the feet of everybody, especially one poor little old man with a walking stick, who keeps on repeating ‘It wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything’. Keep on walking is just what I did, with the quilt under my overcoat!

ps You also MUST laugh harder when the poor pimply faced young assistant has to sweep them up, and then ask you if you'd still like to take them

This was back in the days before boxes of tampons were wrapped in cellophane.

• If YOU MUST go shopping with your flatmate near closing time and the supermarket is crowded, you MUST NOT be surprised or embarrassed when the lid of the box of 40 tampons flies open while it’s being thrown onto the check-out (by flatmate), and 40 tampons fly merrily through the air, hitting the heads of people lined up at other check-outs.
• You ARE, however, permitted to crack up hysterically with laughter at the looks of surprise, shock, then horror on their faces.

• If you MUST be in the supermarket, pregnant and alone on your birthday, feeling sorry for yourself, and if you MUST fill yourself a big bag of Smarties from the self-serve lolly section, DO NOT assume that the corner of the bag won’t have a hole in it.
• If you MUST have these lollies as a cheer-up, DO NOT feel embarrassed when you suddenly find Smarties rattling out of the bag onto the floor at the check-out, all around your feet, at the busiest time of day, while everybody turns around to look at you.

I wish I hadn't found this thread at bedtime - because it's now way past bedtime and I've still only read a fraction of these.

I do have one, though.

In the craft block at school, do not assume that the unlabelled downstairs loo is for everyone. It's not. The ladies is upstairs by the cookery and sewing rooms. The gents is downstairs by the woodwork and metalwork classrooms.

I was doing woodwork, and nipped out to the loo. Somehow I managed not to notice the urinals, and went into the only cubicle in the downstairs loo - and even the fact that it was the only cubicle didn't raise any suspicions for me.

The penny dropped when I came out to find one of the lads from my year just finishing at the urinals......

Bless him, he could have told the whole year and I'd have been teased even more than I already was - but he didn't.

Wilf, you kake it sound like a nursery rhyme

MoreSpam had a little Mary
It was covered in fluff
She hacked with the kitchen scissors
And chopped the little mans head off..

I wish.... Well...alcohol would be nice...

But yes... Ooooooooooouch.

I hope there was no lasting damage and marital relations with Mary and the Little Man resumed.