Mumsnet Discussions - What Not to Do - the stupidity thread

• When you go shopping for a new quilt, you MUST NOT pull one out from a tightly packed shelf without asking for help from an assistant.
• Otherwise, YOU MUST keep walking away when the whole lot of shelving collapses around the feet of everybody, especially one poor little old man with a walking stick, who keeps on repeating ‘It wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything’. Keep on walking is just what I did, with the quilt under my overcoat!

ps You also MUST laugh harder when the poor pimply faced young assistant has to sweep them up, and then ask you if you'd still like to take them grin

This was back in the days before boxes of tampons were wrapped in cellophane.

• If YOU MUST go shopping with your flatmate near closing time and the supermarket is crowded, you MUST NOT be surprised or embarrassed when the lid of the box of 40 tampons flies open while it’s being thrown onto the check-out (by flatmate), and 40 tampons fly merrily through the air, hitting the heads of people lined up at other check-outs.
• You ARE, however, permitted to crack up hysterically with laughter at the looks of surprise, shock, then horror on their faces. grin

• If you MUST be in the supermarket, pregnant and alone on your birthday, feeling sorry for yourself, and if you MUST fill yourself a big bag of Smarties from the self-serve lolly section, DO NOT assume that the corner of the bag won’t have a hole in it.
• If you MUST have these lollies as a cheer-up, DO NOT feel embarrassed when you suddenly find Smarties rattling out of the bag onto the floor at the check-out, all around your feet, at the busiest time of day, while everybody turns around to look at you.

I wish I hadn't found this thread at bedtime - because it's now way past bedtime and I've still only read a fraction of these.

I do have one, though.

In the craft block at school, do not assume that the unlabelled downstairs loo is for everyone. It's not. The ladies is upstairs by the cookery and sewing rooms. The gents is downstairs by the woodwork and metalwork classrooms.

I was doing woodwork, and nipped out to the loo. Somehow I managed not to notice the urinals, and went into the only cubicle in the downstairs loo - and even the fact that it was the only cubicle didn't raise any suspicions for me.

The penny dropped when I came out to find one of the lads from my year just finishing at the urinals...... blush

Bless him, he could have told the whole year and I'd have been teased even more than I already was - but he didn't.

Wilf, you kake it sound like a nursery rhyme

MoreSpam had a little Mary
It was covered in fluff
She hacked with the kitchen scissors
And chopped the little mans head off..

I wish.... grin

Well...alcohol would be nice...

But yes... Ooooooooooouch.

I hope there was no lasting damage and marital relations with Mary and the Little Man resumed.

GENTLE!!! As big as a babies leg??? Come to mama!!!

Mary? Little man in a boat? ROFL.

Are you on drugs woman?

DO NOT trim your mary in the bathroom on a whim when the only scissors to hand are LARGE kitchen scissors. Especially after recently giving birth and a bit of a belly in the way so you cant see when you slightly snip off the end of your little man in a boat...

OUCH... blush

And LMAO at 'only a very little stroke'. grin

There's no such thing, like being pregnant. You either fondle someone's cock. Or you don't.

I suppose it could have been worse, you could have said 'This little piggy...' as you grabbed...

Gentle that deserves some sort of award...

...do NOT, whatever else you have on your mind, while repeating to oneself the mantra 'drive on the right, drive on the right, drive on the right...' for 4 weeks prior to your trip to Europe, try to save yourself lots of money by renting rather than buying a roofbox, then proceed but a few hours after it is fitted to FAIL to repeat to oneself the mantra: 'do not enter low-ceilinged multistorey...'

I cannot begin to describe the shame as, like meercats, shoppers peered over the tops of their cars to work out what the grinding, crunching sound was as DH drove under each concrete beam. Again. And again.

I only hope Sainsbury's had their video camera on so they can at least afford to repaint once they've sent in the video of the FUCKING IDIOTS in the MPV to You've Been Framed.

We'll be buying the roofbxo because too ashamed to take it back losing our deposit then?

<chokes on cava> @ Gentle grin

while re-reading recent entries in order to post...

We were in a wildlife park at the time with the whole family. It was only a very little stroke but his face sort of dropped, we made eye contact, I realised what had happened, said "Oh dear" and snatched my hand away.

Luckily no-one else noticed. We have never mentioned it but we both know exactly what happened.

We do get on really well and I trust him to have understood that I was aiming for a leg! 5 years have passed and he hasn't asked me to take up where we left off anyway...

Do not answer door to postman, and be so excited at arrival of new washable nappy you forget to put your [bfreastfeeding] boob away.

poor man.

Nor should you wander into bedroom with cream carpet and white rug holding bf dd wrapped in towel. The obvious will happen and it will take 2 threads to deal with the stain and your nerves. Possibly a 3rd thread to deal with resulting drink problem.

Oh Gentle, that's one of the funniest things I've heard in a long tome ~ mortifying but hilarious!!! grin

Oh. My. God.

Gentle that it utterly mortifyingly hilarious!! grin

I love this thread!!

Do not accidentally stroke your father-in-law's (fully clothed) cock while he holds your baby because you have mistaken it for lo's dangling betrousered leg.

Bump - mumsnet has gone a bit mad and it's time to remember some good stuff

and another, do not put disposible knickers at beauticians on head thinking they are a head band.

Don't forget to put a nappy on child before you send him to nursery for the day...I my defence I do have twins

Just because it is in a tube, doesn't mean it is toothpaste.

Don't forget to put the litter in the cats litter tray!

Do not, while having coffee and very crumbly biscuits (without a plate) at a friend's house, manage to shower her polished wooden floor with crumbs!

Then as she disappears for a few minutes, do not take the opportunity to sweep them under the sofa with your foot, only to find that she's disappeared to get the dustpan + brush. Of course she comes back with it + there are no crumbs!

She gave me a knowing smile, put the dustpan + brush down + carried on talking! blush

Bumpy!

Any more for any more?

No matter how much never-ending energy Red Bull and vodka makes you feel you have, you will pay for it evebtually.

Whilst escorting a blind child from the taxi to his house, and he stumbles, do not say "Why don't you look where you're going?!"

The guilt will never leave you.

Do not multitask pre-date!Swap washing over , as you are putting whites in dryer inadvertantly drop a open rouge lipstick in with said whites!

You will end up with stripey whites which are your ds's school shirts and ds will call you a muppet!LOL!

Also, do not sit in passenger seat of perfect strangers car then proceed to wait there for half an hour until dp returns from the shop. He won't return but will sit in your actual car for half an hour waiting for YOU. blush

Do not be surprized if the man-who-reads-the-meter backs quickly out of your house with a strange, panicky expression on his face if you let him into your house with one boob hanging out of your dressing gown.

Excellent, Pagwatch. grin

Do not leap into first class airline seat after free upgrade and test it childishly to destruction, getting skirt trapped in the mechanism in the process, then having to spend rest of transatlantic flight releasing said skirt.

Also
Don't use the mirror in those big lifts in the city...
well, if you do, use them only for a quick look and not to check the line of your clothes.
Most importantly if you do DO NOT realise that your stockings etc are creating some ruching under your skirt and lift skirt to straighten.

You do know where I am going with this don't you.

Chairman, my Director, Team manager. All male. Of course

If you go to your locker at the poncy gym at which you are a member and your padlock does not open try not to panic.
Whatever you do, do not lecture the reception staff that they need to come and fix it quickly because your DD is getting cold after swimming and her brother who has autism is panicing - all because their silly padlocks don't work.
Because they will produve huge bolt cutters and snap the padlock in half which will amaze and intigue hundred of scantily clad swimmers and gym go-ers who will crowd around to watch.
And you will be very embaressed when you realise that you had just gone back to the wrong locker
blush

Do not sit next to famous actor son of famous actor parents at an industry dinner and ask how he got into showbusiness.

Do not chat for five minutes to Carol Vorderman about this and that wondering where you ahve seen her before.

Do not show your pants to the entire Faculty whilst leaning across the pool table to get a good shot.

Do not sit drink half a bottle of Archer's Schnaps and then proceed to try to sit on Andrew Neil's knee at a party while his date is standing just to the left of the proceedings.

Do not get drunk at your birthday party, start lighting Amaretti papers to make them fly up in the air and set fire to your buffet, then gawp at it in amazement wondering what to do.

Do not read this thread during nightshift whilst trying not to laugh out loud.

Your collegues will think the snorting noises are you chocking and helpfully run to your desk and start thumping your back, then look at you as if your mad when you tell them you were only laughing at the computer.

Do not wash the dogs bedding in washer as it will be full of dog hair and your next 6 loads of washing will be covered in dog hair. poor ds and dp!!!

When you go to see your DH play music at a local event, DO NOT do a well-meaning impression of how jaunty the piano player was, including wiggly piano fingers, without checking first to see if he is now standing next to you.

PMSL

what did she say in return?!

When following a Mumsnet thread that tells you to text your dh telling him that you love him, make sure you do send it to him and noth another Mumsnetter by mistake!

If you are going to have an affair with the receptionist at work and decide to leave her a torrid, X-rated voicemail, please make sure you know how to operate the voicemail system first. Otherwise you will press the wrong button and send the message to everyone in the company, and they will notice - and laugh - a LOT.

When planning a soak in the bath and evening of pampering, do not tell all male colleagues who invite you to the pub that you are 'going home to be nice to yourself'.

"first ever coldsore is a weird kind of spot and exfoliate it"

And don't assume that your first ever bout of athlete's foot is dry skin and exfoliate that either. It's less visible but rather painful.

At an underground train station, do not agree to escort a foreign, blind passenger onto a train, chat in a friendly way to make him feel welcome to this country, panic when the train stops at a station en route to his destination that you are now outside the zone you have paid for and will get a fine (this was 20 years ago), hastily jump off train without saying goodbye, then stand on platform watching train speed off realising that a. you have not handed blind person onto another pasenger who can tell him when he has reached his destination station, and b. realising that in fact your ticket did allow you to go that far after all. sad

Do not then bang head on wall of station.

Still haunts me...although I expect he survived the experience.

Oh, yes, and adding a final one (because once was flummery) don't assume that your first ever coldsore is a weird kind of spot and exfoliate it, repeatedly, because it will spread over your entire philtrum and people will stare at you because you do look as though you have leprosy. Despite your DH reassuring you this is not the case, the photographs from your lovely holiday will prove him to be a lovely, and well meaning, liar.

Do not open door to postman when you're still getting the hang of breastfeeding and spending 23 hours out of 24 doing it. The reason he's staring at you in horror is because the top four buttons of your nightie are undone and you've tucked the flap under your breast for convenience sake.

Do not keep reading your book while walking down the stairs to go to the loo because you will fall down and you will leak. Do not do exactly the same thing a week later because you will fall down and this time you will break your big toe.

Do not ask a waiter in Paris for jus de pomme de terre because he will laugh at you.

Do not try to impress a boy you fancy with your fabulous taste in music by suggesting you listen to The Smiths, because it will already be playing.

Cathpot

This thread is always such a tonic

Cathpot have read that out to dh and we are hooting with laughter smile

unashamedly bumping this thread as I love it!!

on behalf of my very lovely late grandad;
do not return from exciting trip abroad to visit daughter, get chatting with friend in swimming pool changing rooms about said trip, get distracted from the task in hand and and join the early bird OAP hour in nothing but your swim hat and goggles.

Do not - when going to visit a friend in hospital, arrive by train early + decide to go in a nearby coffee shop before visiting hour, only to fumble around with change for coffee, holding a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for her already purchased, drop coffee + end up with soaking wet flowers + completely sodden trousers + top I had on, (light coloured clothes of course)!!

I then had to find the nearest clothes shop, (not easy as I don't know the area), buy the first clothes I could find that fitted, buy another bouquet of flowers + dash back to the hospital before visiting time ended, extremely hot + flustered!

Nice to see my friend but turned out to be rather an expensive trip!!

If you are looking for a handy place to store bath cleaner, don't use an empty bubble bath bottle (clearly labelled BUBBLE BATH), and if you do, don't leave the 'bubble bath' bottle on the side of the bath. Because, if you do, your teenage daughter will empty a whole bunch of the 'bubble bath' into her bath about half an hour before leaving for a swanky trip up to London. About an hour after leaving the house she will come up in huge red welts all over her body and arms. As she is wearing a sleeveless black outfit she will have to cover up with an M and S beige anorak. Instead of looking cool and sophisticated, she will look like a trainspotter with leprosy.
Thanks Mum.
Bitter, Moi?

I think she'd been in a loo with no bin... Mind you said friend has various other similar tales, so maybe she has ishoos.

STORE (breath) USED (breath) SANITARY TOWELS (breath) IN YOUR BAG???????

I've got another one (this is my friend, honest).

Do not store used sanitary towels in your bag, unwrapped and with lots of glue left on them. You may find that they stick to the magazine you pull out of your bag to read on a crowded train.

And another (same friend!):

Do not wear a panty liner with French knickers to a wedding. It will drop out on the steps of the church, to be trodden underfoot by the unsuspecting priest.

Too, too good.

Mine is not as good, but anyway:

Do not pack your dirty undies in your boots when coming home from holiday, then forget that said boots contain said undies when taking boots to be reheeled.

Timpson's must have thought I was a right perv blush

and snoort at broguemum!

If a male teacher sends an 8 year old to you with a message about a problem in the ICT suite, do not tell the child to ask if the teacher needs you to go down & sort it out before lunch. The 8 year old will trot back to the classroom & say "Mrs R asked if you want her to go down....."

Especially not if it's the same teacher I mentioned in my previous post on this thread (Sun 27-Apr-08 15:50:17)

But it's true!!!! Honestly... It is!!!!

a likely story... grin

OK OBM here it is. The reason for shouting those words.

The scene - a serious off site meeting to discuss marketing strategy.

In the room - the directors of Marketing, Product Development, Finance and HR...

A person was being discussed.

Said person was described as being, "Isn't he a little bit anal don't you know? Always checking every last dot is on every last 'i'. Bit of a pain if you ask me."

To which I said, "But I like....." Followed immediately by, "Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that!!!"

I will leave the reactions of my colleagues to your imagination.

Oh the shame.... It was years ago and I still feel the mortification. blush

OBM, yours has me in stitches - that's soooo awful for you! but soo funny from a distance...

bewildered driver. There was no river. Thankfully.

Do not, when rushing to a doctor's appointment, jump out of the car and run in front of a Transit van.

Do not then, when Transit van screeches to a halt and driver waves you across the road, try to sleekly combine pressing the button of the remote key with a bashful wave at the kind man. You will gaily throw the key into the air with a flourish and have to sheepishly retrieve it from the road infront of the bewildered river and scuttle, blushing, into the surgery.

Two days after that while getting out of my work car in a hurry I somehow managed to throw my mobile phone across the carpark at another car shock

... if it was yours, I'm really sorry ... it was a tiny scratch and I'm sure it will buff out blush

Oh, OBM! How deeply selfless of you to share that with us and not say it was actually your DH it happened to grin

Thanks for sharing Onebat. I hope it wasn't too difficult making new friends. grin

<falls off chair laughing @ OBM>

I regularly draw on my tops when I'm at work and quite often put my mobile in my bra, so I'm used to buzzy boobs.

I've blocked it from my mind.

oh my goodness onebat that is HILARIOUS grin

have only read your last post, now going to read all the other posts!!

How did you face them after, what did you/they say about it?!

okay this one is me, and it's baad.

If attacked by a horrid diarhhea bug when abroad, and in emergency poo situation - do NOT lose key to apartment.

When key is finally found - too late! - DO NOT RUN TO LOO!

The extra weight will cause your pants to hang somewhere around your knees, like a big poo slingshot, swinging from side to side like a scattergun and covering 2 of the 4 walls with poo WITH EVERY STRIDE YOU TAKE.

OR, if you do inadvertently do this, do not turn, having reached the loo door, to see that your concerned (but now aghast) friends have come back to check that you are okay, and you forgot to shut the front door.

broguemum, am still trying to work out what other meaning you could possibly have intended, when you shouted "But I like anal!"

DO NOT see something on your shoe that looks like dogshit and proceed to stick your finger in it, bring said finger close to nose and declare: "It is dog shit!"

Oh LL - it is truly a classic.

Broguemum - pmsl

Onebatmother - I'm now crying! lolol

OBM

Also not me... do not go for a crap whilst on exercise in the snow wearing an all in one padded suit with hood, and then flip said hood back over your head without checking to see if it is empty <bleugh>

(not DH either, I hasten to add! grin

)

Not me but..

do not wear dungarees, get drunk, go to to loo, return to bar with turd on shoulder.

Do not attempt to take the wrong baby home with you from the creche, especially when said child is a pink-clad girl and you are the mother of a blue wearing boy blush

And I thought everyone was interested in what I was saying as I was not aware of my incredible flashing cleavage!!!! Aaargh... I can feel a blush creep up my face even now... blush

The embarrassment was even worse than the time I announced, "But I like anal!" at an pompous important off-site meeting. And I certainly didn't mean it in the way it came out... Oh God, I'm going to have to go and stick my head in a bucket of cold water...

broguemum - grin

don't inadvertently draw on your own shirt (in the most prominent place) when you have to stand up in front of 50 people and talk to them fro 15 minutes.

don't stand trying to get in using the new swipe card system when you are repeatedly trying it with the card back to front - especially when a bunch of your colleagues are waiting behind you to get in.

Sorry for your embarrasment broguemum, bu that is f*ing funny!

Breast feeding mums be warned.... do not ever take advantage of the enhanced norkage bestowed upon you and use your cleavage as a convenient place to store your posh new mobile whilst you have a pee.

You will forget it is there.

Someone will then call you when you are attending a very serious meeting about failures in corporate governance procedures...

And even if your phone is on silent and you manage to stifle the urge to leap up and scrabble around in your bra that has suddenly started vibrating you will be caught out.

The person that called you will call you back repeatedly and the screen of your mobile will have been flashing and shining out through your rather lovely Episode blouse throughout the meeting and EVERYONE will have seen it.

blush

Wow, this thread has had it's first birthday and is still going! grin

It's like my PFB thread!

Do not.......

When the door knocks (5 mins after DH goes to work) open the door in a towel and say in a sultry voice, "I knew you couldn't stay away for long gorgeous!" because it will of course be your 60 something postman who blushes furiously while you try to laugh it off blush

Also while this scenario is going on do not take your eyes of your feisty 9 week old kitten because she will at that point jump kamikaze style from the stairs and land claws in towel (that one is wearing) and proceed to pull it to the floor!!!!! blush

result - One Mner with a very angry

face (this is not angry btw but the blushing cheeks does not do justice) and one postman almost keeling over in my doorway and running away from me without getting a signature for a parcel he delivered.... blush

Do not switch oven to Grill when cooking a Sunday Roast then blame it on pmt!

Do not go to a fancy dress party dressed as Robin (as in Batman and Robin) and dance all night energetically. Afterwards in a drunken state, do not get undressed for bed as quickly as possible. Do not then return costume to fancy dress hire shop next morning without checking it first. The shop assistant will ceremoniously unfurl canary yellow tights complete with the unwelcome addition of your sweaty, smelly g-string and say in a superior voice "I believe these are yours madam" Do not expect DH to comply when you beg him not to tell anyone because he will, for the rest of his life! blush

Do not...... when at work and have a modern apprentice listening into your calls say to a supervisor (who's called your extention) sorry "I have a hot new modern apprentice plugged into me, he's only 18 I wont be a minute" and not expect his face not to go scarlet!

I'm now getting investigated!

Do not ring up the bus information service and say this to the man on the end of the line "Can I have a route please?" (my sis).

Do not then tell sister who will write to most popular radio station who will then ring you up and hassle you about it live on air. grin

Do not wear white trousers to buy beetroot at farmers market - get mud all over them, spill beetroot juice on them afterwards, put in bath to soak, decide bleach needed, spill bleach on cotton jumper and joggers, then discover white trousers still ruined by beetroot! In fact probably wiser to buy beetroot from Tesco in jar.

Do not return from dropping DD off at nursery, in an extemely tired state leave the buggy on the doorstep.
You will spend half an hour searching the house for it mystified when you want to collect her, and resignedly leave the house empty-handed to find it soaking wet due to torrential downpours all day, and the fact that you don't have a porch.

....courtesy of DH yesterday wink

Am amazed it was still there tbh- we live in the middle of a city.

Do not click on an email saying 'you have received an egreetings card' and then impatiently click 'yes' on the dear, kind antivirus software that asks if you're sure you want to open this nasty-looking email. Because if you do you will get a very evil virus on your computer and weep bitterly as you admit your mistake on MN using your second-in-command laptop.

Do not go to a DIY shop with a list your DH has written because you will not understand anything on it and come back with a lamp shade instead! Tar dar!!!!!

Serendipity you had me in tears and can't stop giggling - are you ok now ?

"Don't get some freinds together for a casual evening, drink waaay too much and then decide to make a hot water bottle.

If you do, Do not fill bottle with boiling water and then drop the stopper on the floor.

If you do this, do not then bend down to pick up the stopper and forget you are holding water bottle in your other hand. Becasue you will then pour the boiling contents of your hot water bottle all over your own head resulting in serious blisters on your scalp and neck.

If you do all of this then Seek Medical Attention. DO NOT swagger nonchalently back into your sitting room feeling utterly stupid and deciding not to admit to anyone what happened because, remember you have been covered in a hot water and are likely to be soaking wet and steaming...people WILL notice and, once a cold pack has been applied, they WILL laugh "

OMG SOLO ROFLMAO here

"Do not under any circumstances leave new gorgeous boyfriend in your sitting room (on first meeting) near open door with clear view of open plan stairs then proceed to throw yourself down the said stairs after catching your heal on second step down...over and over to the bottom where you land upside down on your shoulders with one arm stuck behind and under you, skirt around your hips with your untoned legsn the air and completely stuck between the bottom step and a chest of drawers on the bottom landing...he had to literally pick me up because I could not move! I was the colour of London buses and sooo embarrassed.
Then of course had to say that I was perfectly fine. Change clothes because I wrecked what I was wearing and go out to dinner!"

Don't walk to the gargae to buy a paper and then buy a token to wash your car in the new car wash.
Don't make your friends try to push start your very heavy classic car four times when you have actually just run out of petrol...

Do not think you can exit a train pushchair-first. It will result in the front wheels getting stuck in the gap between the train and platform, and you will go into shock thinking your poor dd has been mortally wounded. Of course she will be fine, but you will never want to take her on a train again.

Especially do not do this just after the driver has reminded everyone to 'mind the gap' blush

Do not provide beetroot crisps at a party for small children reasoning that they are a bit healthier than other options.

Do not, on meeting American boyfriend’s uncle for the first time, merrily chirp, “oh, that’s nice, you must really like animals, then”, when he tells you that he is a vet.

Try to resist crawling under nearest stone when it turns out that he was actually in freaking Vietnam……

never ever boil an egg and when you find it not completely cooked, put it in the mircowave for 10 secs, and then when you take the spoon to 'pop' the yolk, it will go bang and you get boiling hot yolk hitting you in the eyes and face... ouuuchhh!! It really did hurt too.

Do not allow your (moulting) cat to rub around your legs when you have just got out of the shower.

Do not carefully pierce the top of a tube of superglue with the pointy bit on the cap, making sure none gets on your fingers, screw back on, then remove cap with your teeth. The glue on the pointy bit will mean that you will stick your tongue to the back of your teeth. After a short panic you will (somewhat painfully) manage to detach your tongue, leaving bits of it, and glue, on the back of your teeth. You will then remember you have a dentist's appointment the next day, and no amount of brushing will help! blush

do not have a 'quick' look at mumsnet when you really wanted an early night, you'll still be here 4 hours later

Do not - on your sister's wedding day - when trying to open a window decide that the best way to unstick it is to kick the glass bit with your bare foot.... it will break.... (my wedding day - sis as chief bridesmaid!)

Do not allow your DS to pretend to drive the car when parked away from home - he will break the indicator stalk so that it is stuck on left, resulting in horribly expensive garage bill after driving home with everybody honking to point out your cr*ppy indictaing skills!

And do not when a teenager and drunk for the first time lean over bucket to puke before taking off your slightly loose glasses...they WILL fall off just before you puke red wine all over them - and then smell for AGES! [smelly face emoticon]

Do not ignore your 3 year old in the shop when he tells you he needs a wee, do not tell him several times, ' ok, we are going now' and eventually walk out intending to go to the toilet only to get a phone call from the person you are supposed to be meeting up with and stop kerbside to answer the call. Don't do any of this because your now desperate 3 year old will drop his trousers and pants and proceed to pee in the street. You will then wonder why everyone is looking at you(well him)and smiling and when you look down, you will be mortified! you will also have to go back into the shop you just left to go and buy some dry clothes for son. hmm

T'was me and mine blush

Do not do an illegal manouvere(sp?) and overtake on the left when there is a police cctv van right behind you grin

You will be pulled over, spoken to harshly and asked to produce your licence, insurance and mot certificate at your local police station blush

LOL! @margoandjerry...euw!

OOOH margoandjerry that made my toes curl grin

[toe curling emoticon]

Do not assume that your slovenly mother has washed the lettuce in your cheese sandwich. Do not go on to assume that the brown thing you can see in said sandwich is Branston Pickle.

Do brush your teeth nonstop for a year as you try to rid your mouth of crushed slug.

ooh and dont run at glass patio doors EVER!
Even if you know they are wide open, walk up very slowly and use your hands to gently feel if they are closed or not. ALWAYS!

Do not whilst drunk at a pool party, clad only in a bikini, lean down to pick up your handbag from the floor. There is a candle in a metal bucket on the wall next to you and you will stick the skin on your side to the searing hot metal.
Being very drunk do not act all brave and decide the best way to feel better is to get in the VERY HOT jaccuzzi, with a bottle of champagne, and then pass out in a tent in the garden.
The nurses and docs in casualty will use you as a free training aid for a few hours and what feels like hundreds of people will come and gawp at your poor sore body.

Other side effects will include
a) not being able to lie down comfortably for 3 weeks,
and
b)smell like a barbeque gone wrong for at least the same amount of time.

This was me, I'm sorry to say. blush

bump (come on, someone somewhere must have done something stupid over the bank holiday weekend grin

)

Do not playfully throw young baby up into the air when there is a ceiling fan whizzing above your beautiful new(ish) sons head shock

Do not lick cotton wool

The tights were the lump! forgot to mention that bit.

Do not when a teenager(long ago), run out of ' popsox' to wear with your very high stiletto's and so put on a pair of tights to wear under your jeans(perish the thought now). Put on the same jeans the following day with different shoes, only to find when you go to the loo some considerable time later, a lump inside the thigh of one leg of your jeans. It had been there a long time and must've been seen by loads of people. blush

Do not allow a fellow Nursing student ( Male ) to give you a firemans lift to the hospital, because you have dislocated your knee in an embarrassing drunken dancing incident at the pub, only to have him hoist you over his shoulder... all the way over his shoulder so you actually go over the top and land on the floor, breaking your wrist. then have to explain the whole incident to the Sister in charge of A&E who is also you current placement mentor....

From my lovely friend;

DO not allow fellow nursing student ( male - yes same one! ) offer to help you all climb over the cemetery wall in a short cut to get back to the nursing accommodation. He will deliberately kindly advise you to come down into his arms the other side of the wall the wrong way round... you will then get stuck half way and land with first your Fanjo in his face ( skirted why oh why did we not see his plan?? ) then as you slide down further, end up with his face totally wedged between your cleavage, as your shrug gets stuck on the branches above hmm

Fab thread!!! I've got a lot to add... grin

makes a real mess of the towels dosnt it . LOL

lmao paros i also tried to do that. grin

As a teenager do not try to bleach your hair with Domestos . It dosnt work LOL

do not decide to leave your flat with the door open as you cannot find keys and front door of building locks anyway without thinking how you will get back through front door once you get back as you will have to press every buzzer and beg ppl who dont know you to open front door so you can get back in

do not then later find electronic keys in bottom of half full cup of voddy and orange as it will cost you £30 to get new electronic key fob and you will be locked out of building everyday for a week while waiting for a new one blush

i was sober when i did this but v hungover from night before

When you are a teenager do not decide that the best way to treat a zit between your bosoms is to put the mouth of the TCP bottle over it and swiftly upend said bottle, when naked. Liquid fire will run down and burn your fanjo and you will stink of TCP all day at school despite showering.

Also do not attempt to treat facial spots by using an exfoliating cream plus an exfoliating mitt designed for elbows. You will look like a burns victim for a week.

DO NOT: Go shopping for many hours only to come outside in a blizzard and see that the only car in the lot is yours and you left the lights on. *also about 10pm*

Proceed to open passenger door, put bags down and purse, lean over and turn on car (just making sure it starts since lights were on). When it starts *sigh of relief*, hit the lock out of habit and slam the door shut.

This leaves you standing outside in a blizzard with no coat, no phone, and no money next to a locked running car. When you finally chase down a man on a cell phone and get someone to open your door you will then be out of gas.

True story.

Do not take jeans and knickers off at the same time to save time.

Then get up late the following morning, get dressed hurredly to do the school run, pull on last nights jeans, get to school, run over the playground with yesterdays pants gaily flapping out of the leg of your jeans. blush

Do not jump in a swimming pool late for a post natal aquarobics class and forget to take your breastpads out, then have to remove the sopping pads and sheepishly hand them to the life guard to throw away

Nasty!

Do not dive into a swimming pool with your eyes open 'to see what will happen'. What happens is that your vision goes blurry for about 3 months, and you give yourself a two week headache.

Bandofmothers - I did that with 2 yoghurts yesterday blush

Don't get some freinds together for a casual evening, drink waaay too much and then decide to make a hot water bottle.

If you do, Do not fill bottle with boiling water and then drop the stopper on the floor.

If you do this, do not then bend down to pick up the stopper and forget you are holding water bottle in your other hand. Becasue you will then pour the boiling contents of your hot water bottle all over your own head resulting in serious blisters on your scalp and neck.

If you do all of this then Seek Medical Attention. DO NOT swagger nonchalently back into your sitting room feeling utterly stupid and deciding not to admit to anyone what happened because, remember you have been covered in a hot water and are likely to be soaking wet and steaming...people WILL notice and, once a cold pack has been applied, they WILL laugh blush

Run out of school after a quiz night when it's pouring with rain and dark with dss following quickly behind, and try and get them into the car which your DH has kindly bought round to the front. Dcs will tell you the reason the doors are locked and you can't get in, is because its not dad in the car or dads car at all and you are showing them up and tell you to stop tapping on the window.

When you look in the car, you can see the man thinks you are are a total loon.

Obviously dh is still round the back waiting in an identical car with the doors unlocked and you get in drenched.

OOh was meaning to seek this out after yesterday!

To understand fully you need to be aware that we have a poor relationship with our SENCO for various reasons, though now improving.

DS2 came to me last week, muttering whilst I was revising. Didn't really listen but heard that he wanted a CD with the instrumental from Joseph on, knew he was doing end of year musical so made him one. Whilst browsing through napster, saw that song 'I hate everythinga bout you',,,, and secretly popped that on the end as I knew ds2 would PHSL.

2 days later DS2 asks for another copy.

Why? whwre's the one I made up?

that wasn't for me

Who then?

X (Senco)

whaaaaaat...

and she wants to know why you put that song on the end

oooooppps

Do not take the lids off two yoghurts while they are still attached and THEN try to seperate them. hmm

haha this thread is hilarious- THANKS!!

Do not, when walking in Seville, become so distracted by the lovely hanging baskets and colonial architecture that you forget to look where you're going. You will walk full pelt into a groin-level bollard and spend the rest of your holiday with a black-and-blue fanjo and a very red face.

Oh Eejit - my friend from college (who could fill this thread with her antics) used to vault post boxes. (she's v tall and v v leggy). She tried it one evening after we'd been out on teh town but she was in a short tight skirt and she got over 3/4 of the way up and then went SPLAT, bent double over the top and landed on the other side on her head. None of us could help her cos we were pissing ourselves.

One from my Dad...
Do not, while on holiday in the deepest middle of nowhere try and show off to your children by driving through a fairly deep stream in your ancient ford fiesta. It looked quite cool until...

Do not then turn the engine off on the other side only to find you have completely flooded the engine and cannot restart the car...

Do not make your wife and kids walk to a farmhouse 3 miles away to phone the AA who take a further 4 hours to find you and your car, cannot fix it there and have to tow you to a garage even further away from your holiday cottage!

All this on the HOTTEST day in August, many years ago! grin

DO NOT : try on bras in M&S changing room and get little bra hanger thingy hooked in your coat belt, then walk out changing room and down Oxford Street with said (stolen hmm

) bra hanger and bra saying 32DD waving in the breeze behind you

Do; make sure you have handed back all unwanted bras after trying them on

This is courtesy of my parents.

Do not go to the pub on the day your daughter is due home from a weeks ski trip because you thought it was tomorrow! Do not then let your DD have to ask the teacher to take her to the phone box to call you, with only one 10p piece so has the shame of your daughter working out to phone you at said pub, wit the teacher listening to you screaming to each other"oh f***, quick quick we have to leave now!"

i was stood on my own for 2 hrs!!! hmm

Funny now though!

Do not get so used to the pause that preceeds a cold caller that when next time you answer the phone and there is a short pause you shout, “Just fuck off and leave us alone will you”. Because it will be your Grandmother blush

Do not let your sleepwalking husband stay in anyone else’s house without ensuring he does not go to bed naked – my parents/my friends/strangers in hotels etc. have all seen him in the nuddy.

Do not forget to open the door before you start walking through it. This will inevitably end in a black eye that really was caused by “walking into a door”. Despite all your protestations you will get pitying looks for weeks whilst protesting, “No. I really, really did walk into a door, really.”

DO NOT at 15 and trying to show off with a group of friends (one of whom is the boy you are trying to impress) decide to vault a bollard in the high street.
You have
a) forgotten you are wearing a very short skirt,
and
b) underestimated the height of the bollard.
You will end up doing a sort of handstand waving your bum in the air as your skirt has hooked itself over the bollard as you jumped, and you are now stuck. blush

(aforementioned boy is ROFL and he never did ask you out!)

Do not think that stilletto boots will work in a school playground....they don't.

you will get the heel stuck in the drain grate and not be able to lift your foot without taking the whole grate with you blush

Isn't it just waycat? I have this in my watched list to cheer me up every day, never fails!! grin

I can't add anything here just yet, but I just wanted to say that this thread is great for a laugh!

Thanks everyone for sharing your embarassing moments and making me smile today!

when you have parked at the train station to go shopping do not get in dh's car (which he has parked at the same station to go work earlier in the day)and drive it home (with the key on your keyring) leaving him with your car and no car key

whilst attending DD christening and the vicar says "i will make across on her forehead then I will ask you all to do the same" do not make the cross on your own forehead in front of all your friends and family. It is never going to be forgotten.

Then at the same event when said vicar asks you what the DD name is do not hesitate people will think you do not know.

bump there has to be more . This thread is great . PMSL

Two bra onesHad a friend once whose toddler insisted on carrying a bag everywhere, every day. Friend bumped into an old friend one day in the street and stood chatting for a while whilst toddler decides to open up bag and take out the contents...friends oldest, greyest, worst bra ever...

I, a lot of years ago found it oh so embarrassing to discover one of my lacy bra's attached to the velcro of my motorcycle jacket...and nobody bothered to tell me...cringe blush

Not sure exactly how many miles I did either!

Once slapped the arse of a male mate who was bent over, only to discover that it was in fact, his mate that I'd only met an hour before shock

I have a new one since I last read this....

Do not, when showing your DCs and SIL's DCs pictures from their childhood, move pictures of you breastfeeding DS topless to an unlabelled folder on your USB drive.

Do not then forget they are there and, when a male teacher asks you if you have any pictures he can use in his ICT lesson, open one of the pictures while he is looking over your shoulder.....

(The only saving grace is that his laptop was not actually connected to the classroom whiteboard at the time, so it was only the teacher got an eyeful, not his class of 27 8 and 9 year-olds.)

I ahve caught up with this- was up to the Grand Duchess of Luxemburg!

do not swear under your breath outside your vile piano teacher's door after a lesson....

because the next week he will tell you he heard you blush

Not me, but friend saw this one years ago...

Do not, dressed in full leather motorcycle gear, walk up to a SCOOTER, start it up, then pull away before you've realised that you haven't unlocked the back wheel from the post behind you...bad, very bad!

My next one;

Do not, whilst wearing only tights with no knickers(for a smooth look pre thong days)on, little black dress, stiletto's etc, decide to put your all into the Jingo Rock and all whilst not realising just how slippery the wooden floor had become, skid heal first across said floor, landing on backside, legs akimbo...very, very red faced and still (almost) bare arsed. blush

Do not ever, get onto a motorbike for the first time 'round the garages' wearing stiletto's, pencil skirt etc to ' have a go' on your mates bike...thinking that the two levers are both brakes just like your push bike, get going, round and round, even changing gear(!) and coming to a stop(both hand levers)still in gear, letting go and woooo hoooooo your first and last wheelie. Not pretty when considering your clothing!

Do not go to the vastly attractive work physio for a lower back problem, and after aforementioned physio asks you to bend over and touch your toes (whilst he kneels behind your bottom) ONLY THEN remember that you've worn pop socks and a g string under your skirt.......and then don't tell some of your work mates about it as you'll soon have the entire open plan office of over 100 people laughing at your misfortune!

tsk that should read,
Do not throw the basin of water that dp has just handed to you, down the sink , while he is wedged in the cupboard underneath with the u-bend unscrewed...

Do not throw a basin of water down the sink that dp has just handed to you, while he is wedged in the cupboard underneath with the u-bend unscrewed...

Do Not:
Make your own clothes. Just really don't. You are not Vivienne Westwood, heck you're not even Vivienne Primark.

And if you do, make sure you remove the pins before wearing.
Do not walk to village tearooms, sit down and immediately jump up screaming as rogue pin enters your jacksie.

The experience will forever sour the taste of a buttered teacake.

Do not turn up for your beauty spa appointment completely naked (under a dressing gown) because you didn't really understand what Reflexology involved.

LOL @ Mooki! God that made me laugh.

Also do not attempt to sell house during major credit crunch, but that is different story.

Do not open new car, put bags in new car, put buggy in new car, put two children in new car, drive off for the day leaving front door of house wide open. Then return from day out to be told by dh that:

a. You have left front door of house open all day

b. You are not actually insured to drive new car

(Having a good day generally, as also managed to miss turning off the A3 at Guildford in the dark and was halfway to Portsmouth before I noticed...wondered why Sat Nav was flashing red, but hadn't actually managed to get the voice to work otherwise it would have been screaming at me.)

When the jolly Gastroenterologist at the hospital says he wants to take a look at your daughter's Biscuit Chute you don't need to take her nappy off, he obviously means her mouth.

Bumping one of my FAVE threads.........can we pleeeeeease have it extended MNHQ???

Do not spill a whole bottle of Olive Oil over freshly sterilised baby bottles.

Oooooooooh who renewed this thread, now I'll have to search thru and find where I got to before.

Went away last week and stayed with friends. I was going out in the evening so spent the afternoon lazing about with no children, trying on clothes, generally relaxing. Friends partner was away in Ireland and not coming back until the next day and friend was at work, so had the place to myself.

I had a nice long relaxing bath, had left door open. Friends partner unexpectedly returned home, the bathroom is at the top of the stairs, the door from the street opens straight at at the bottom of the stairs.

I heard the door swing open, panicked and stood up. Friend's bf looked up to see me naked and screaming. I leapt out of the bath and grabbed a towel and proceeded to make polite but shrill conversation with him while he averted his eyes and muttered apologies and blushed and tried to get past. In fact, he didn't make any eye contact for the rest of the day.

So, if in that situation, duck down, down, not up, don't stand up!

Never, under any circumstances when you run out of dishwasher powder, think that just a TINY drop of Fairy liquid will do just as well.
I was washing the pans in the sink and turned around to see a large thick white carpet of killer suds creeping toward my feet. Quite scary hmm

. It takes forever to get rid of the suds! happened to me 20 years ago blush

h7asn't happened since though!

PMSL at little man in a boat

DO NOT
DO NOT
DO NOT

Trim your lady garden with a very large pair of kitchen scissors and then "catch" your little man in a boat. IT FECKIN HURTS!

do not at 9 months pg with tight fitting mat clothes with no pockets tuck £20 in your bra
then hand it over damp with sweat to young man on checkout at sainsburys!

Do not, at 9am one morning, whilst you are naked and waiting for the bath to fill, decide to hoover the flat thinking that your (male)flat mate is at work.
Do not, when male flat mate opens his bedroom door, try to hide behind the hoover. You are 6ft1 and 20 stone, just how big do you think this hoover is?

(Me many years ago. Flat mate did the typical, 'open door, look, shut door, open door again, check what he had just seen, shut door again' routine.)

along a similar theme as CountingTheGreyHairs...

when talking to your aged Grandmother in Dutch, do not get "kop" (head) and "kont" (arse) mixed up.

in my defence...i was about 10! blush

do not stay up late pissing yourself laughing reading a stupidity thread on a well-known parenting forum when you have to go to work early the next morning and you have no ironed clothes and you are 44 and should know better... grin

do not

when explaining to a group of mothers at your dd's (v. traditional, v. Catholic school) how your back hurts when you bend down, get the French verbs "se baisser" (to stoop) & "baiser" (vulgar term for sexual intercourse) mixed up!!!!

Do not

during a late-night argument with DH, bang a mug down in the sink to emphasise your point, which smashes cutting your finger so badly DH has to bandage it and sent you to A&E in taxi whilst muttering "STUPID woman... next time THROW the mug and LET GO" blush

Still having trougble typieng with the splint on...

do not

play "hairdressers" with dd and then dash out of front door late for client meeting throwing on your winter attire as you go ..without looking in mirror ... then arrive at said meeting, shake hands with four strangers (notice they are eyeing you strangely) then hang up coat and realise that you have 9 blue manky velcro rollers stuck to your knitted scarf ....

Oh please don't call the RSPCA. I am a responsible dog loving owner (usually!) Honest!

oh i've just remembered another one...

when selling your house, do not come back from the shops and decide to leave your ipod on and sing along with your favourite tunes (at high volume and spectacularly out of key) while doing the washing up. this will be the day the surveyor turns up to do the survey, and having failed to get your attention by knocking on the door, will let himself in with estate agents' keys. he will then have to tap you on the shoulder to get your attention having presumably heard you singing along to duran duran at the top of your voice for a good couple of minutes blush

Do not

collapse naked in to bed with flu (feeling too ill to search for pjs) having made arrangement with fil (who is downstairs in room directly beneath you looking after dd) that you will bang loudly on floor if you need help - then on being woken up by a moth, promptly forget that arrangment, leap out of bed, bash moth repeatedly to death with slipper ... and turn around to find breathless fil in doorway contemplating your bare bottom ....

<Califrau hurriedly dries screen after nose-trick snorting an entire mouthful hmm

Do not activate footrest on chair without first checking that dog is not sitting directly below your feet meaning that said dog is rudely awoken from slumber by being catapulted across the room. blush

Do not take aged dog to school. Tie him up. Walk home in the pouring rain having animated conversation with dd and wait for phone call from mum who lives near the school to remind you that your totally drowned dog is still tied up outside school looking very sorry for himself! blush

Oh and do not, at eight months pregnant, get your DP to put your boots on your oh-so-swollen feet so that you can go out with your friend for lunch- then think 'no one will notice if I whip these uncomfy boots off under the table' only to discover your feet reek, people are off their food, and your DP is not there to put them back on for you.

Do not tear yourself away from your box of milk tray and chic flick, to go, in your nightie, and collect your mum's dog from your garden after he's done his business, discover milk tray on said nightie, and then LICK IT OFF only to realise it is in fact dog poo.

do not when on msn out up a topless pic of you on your profile whilst flirting with a hunk only for your dad to come on and only after 5 mins of msning wiht him do you notice your page 3 wannabe pic at bottom of screen only for your dad to type i see you are talking to someone else i will leave you to it!

mrsmuddle that is hilarious, type of thing i would do!! grin

Do not, on a cycle run, on a very quiet path, say to your DH who you THINK is behind you, "My fanny is killing me," only to realise it's not DH but a strange man who has overtaken DH.

do not

put your nasty grey falling to peices pants on over your tights to keep them up!!!

because when you run for the bus the above pants will end up round your ankles blush

and you will have to walk to back of bus to sit down

and you will spend the next year getting to work 30mins early just incase any one remembers

MIGGSIE!!!! pmsl

That HAS to be the thread winner grin

(out of many contenders)

pweeeeeease wabbit get this thread extended beyond 1001 posts!!!!

Do not get up in the night half asleep and down 2 cupfulls of night nurse.
Because you will find it was in fact Sennacot so now you have a really bad throat and have to sit on the loo all day!

do not think that at 8 months pregnant, you can jump off a low wall. You will end up in a & e feeling rather foolish with a badly sprained ankle

When shutting the boot of your car, first made sure your head isn't in the way - cue another a & e visit to have head glued back together!

I am frequently driving to school, forgetting and walking home with my car keys in my hand to discover the car "missing".

I know there are more but i can't think of them right now grin

I'm nominating burpyernie for best post on page 32

do not spill a bottle of red food colouring all over the kitchen and yourself then forget you are covered in red, scaring your DH when he comes in.

do not dump bag of potatoes in the outdoor bin then keep forgetting to empty bin and bring it to the dump with the other rubbish for 8 months, all the time wondering why there are so many flies around that bin when there's only plastic stuff in there. it will be full of maggot soup which you will have to fish plastic bags out of one by one

do not slip on the slanty squishy plastic floor at soft play thus spraining your foot and have to be hlped out of the toddler section by other mommies, go to a&e and end up bandaged and limping for 3 weeks

do not go to beach when 8 months pregnant during a heatwave, for get the sunscreen, lie in the sun for 2 hours and end up with severe sunburn on massive bump [wince]

do not;

*become so engrossed in stupidity thread you don't notice ds has climbed on windowsill and is happily splashing with the muddy water in a tray of small plants
*turn around and notice ds and shout loudly at him, thus frightening him into leaning on the tray of plants and knocking them on the carpeted floor

blush

off to go hoover now

BurpyErnie that is sooooooooooo funny grin

Oh my gosh Madrose what did you do?

do not
*order electronic goods from europe
*see a two pin plug on the printer and a spare plug in the box
*presume you need to rewire the printer and take a knife to the cable
*pick up new plug intending to rewire
*realise it was an adapter plug and you've now destroyed your brand new printer

bugger

luckily i'm a kleptomaniac and had an identical spare cable stashed in a box or i'd still be hearing about it!

Do not show DH's best mate your holiday snaps without first removing the pic of you jumping out of the sea after skinny dipping.

Do not leave your DS's 'sick bowl' under a load of bags when you're driving the lovely new car along a windy country road, then ignore the weird splashy noises and heavy breathing coming from the back seat because you're too busy thinking about what a tosser your DH has just been!

do not sit on a busy tube, with boyfriend glaring at you, so that when you look down, you find that your boob has escape from your dress and is hanging there for all to see.

Do not tell the twins (11) the baby (2) is being potty trained and cannot have nappies on any more then let them dress her. Baby came out dressed but with knickers and a sanitary towel ( just incase apparently) on under her clothes. She now wants to have "tiny nappies" all the time

Do not buy oil to put in your car, only to place it at the back of the utility room cupboard and forget about it.
Do not, three months later, ignore the peculiar acrid smell emanating from said vehicle because you can't spare five minutes to check the oil. It will cost you £333 to fix the head gasket blush

pmsl
lololol

glad you go the job though grin

The worst of it was that I 'explained' (fibbed) to the secretary that I'd had an op on my foot so I couldn't wear shoes temporarily. I then got the job. And my boss asked me, "so, how's the foot healing?" and I didn't have a clue what he was on about; I made a sort of "eurhwayyy-oop?" 'startled chicken with extremely bad indigestion' type of noise and he went away looking ever more perplexed by my eccentric behaviour.

Danae

reminds me of friend who went to step class who looked down to see she had flip flops on.

Do not set off to a very important interview on your bicycle wearing best suit and your sheepskin slippers complete with fluffy, fleecy edging.
Do not then realise footwear faux-pasin horror when nervously waiting in the interview ante room and quickly lodge them in the wastepaper basket, proceeding to the interview with tights only on feet.
Afterwards, do not then rummage in the wastepaper basket to retrieve your slippers, only to turn around and see the departmental secretary looking at you very oddly.

Do not amble along behind DH in busy Disney park not paying attention & presume that the nice gentleman wearing the M&S tee-shirt & shorts that you are following is YOUR DH......... till after you goose him, chortling suggestively that he "shifts his tush or we'll never get a go on the rides"......to find that half of the UK are in Disney & high proportion of them wear similar garments blush

Do not,whilst rushing around after getting children to bed ,put washing on, forgetting to properly shut powder dispenser drawer.You will sit down at computer to continue Important Work Project and suddenly realse you can hear the sound of water trickling,and on return to kitchen will discover large expanse of soapy bubbly water covering kitchen floor.

do not go the the toilet in downstairs loo, do a full moon and find handsome window cleaner is filling bucket from outside tap, just outside window, blind up, window open.

Oh StillWaters, that reminds me -

Do not go out shopping with your switch card, and enter the pin number 3 times, being rejected each time. It will lock the card, you will ring HSBC in a fury and shout about how you have had the same pin number for years and years, and why has their stupid system embarassed you in a shop and forced you to pay with another card... because halfway through your tirade you will notice that it is your husband's initials on the card.

You will then have to phone your DH and explain why he needs to phone the bank and get his card unlocked.

Do not close the door of Spanish toilet cubicle without checking that it does in fact have a handle on the inside. Particularly if one's ordinarily teetotal parents are enjoying a small glass of sangria at the restaurant and may be likely to fail to notice your absence for some time.

If this is unavoidable, attempt to choose an evening when the local band are not playing colourful musical treats at considerable volume, as this may limit the chances of them drowning out your cries for help.

And do not wear your best shoes on such an evening. You may find them less robust than you wish once used as a hammering implement. And the heels will not recover from being utilised in an unsuccessful attempt to lever the door open.

Do not try to be clever, upend one shampoo bottle on top of the other to catch the last few drips because yes you will knock this contraption over and then spend the next hour mopping the bathroom floor up, thus wasting more shampoo than if you'd just binned the remmants of the old bottle in the first place.

Mind the bathroom floor was super-sparkly after this grin

DO NOT phone your bank to make any enquiry regarding your account, read number off your card when asked and then when told that cannot be correct as no accounts have that many digits become increasingly irate and proclaim in indignant voice that you are reading it off your card as you speak, and then when clerk continues to protest it must be wrong, demand to speak to thier supervisor, and then whilst making Official Complaint to supervisor ,realise you bank with Lloyds and not Barclays who you have phoned.

do not tell your new best friend that you've been to Macau too, but didn't buy any furniture because you didn't like it and look up and see their house is full of the stuff!

I wonder if MNHQ could be persuaded to remove the 1000 post restriction from this one <resists temptation to tinker with database>

Do not decide to shave off pubes for the first time ever (to give DH interesting surprise) and then remember that you have appointment to have coil fitted in three days time, reassure yourself that there will be a blanket to put over your knees and then discover that for once there wasn't! Cue frantic polite conversation making in attempt to distract nice GP.

do not
lend dh car and fill up with unleaded,

do not
lend it two weeks later and do the same thing!

do not
make spag bog without first taking that paper of the bottom of the mince,
no matter how much you chew you can not swallow it!!!!!!!!!!

and do not
wake up during the night and sleeply go downstairs without turning off house alarm
as dh will take piss forever
for running up the stairs screaming at top of lungs that someone is in the house,
and next door neighbour will come round to check on noise blush

loved that one, surprise.

Do not draw smiley face with poppy out belly button as nose on hugely pregant tummy of self and that of other hugely pregnant friend, using indelible marker (first time round hysteria).

Then go into same hospital within 24 hours of each other, have quite scary life threatening labours, not really helped by various consultants making hmm

faces at graffitoed bellies.

I love that people just occasionally add to this thread grin

Do not go shopping when hugely pregnant with a hugely pregnant friend. Do not park in the multi-storey car park, because when you return to your car, the two vehicles either side will have parked so close to you that neither of you can get into the car. It will take a complete stranger to offer to get in your car, reverse it out so that the two of you can get in. (thank you to that kind man grin

)

Oh! and sitting on my motorbike outside my mum and dads house on a bit of a slope aged 18, trying to shove a pair of sandals down my leathers, toppling over and having said bike land on my left leg...STUCK! with full weight of bike on me. The only passer by was a dear child of about 7 whom I had to ask to knock on my front door and get my dad to rescue me! blush

DO NOT forget to get facts straight before opening mouth!

When you are the works first aider(in a big store) and a young woman passes out, you sit her on a chair and chat to her sister...' when is her baby due?' say's you...' oh, she's not pregnant, she's just fat!' say's sister...mortified, just mortified!
Well, she was wearing a smock style dress(1980's)

Heard that a(sort of)friend was expecting her second baby and bumped into her at the shops...' Oh! Congratulations, when's it due?' Say's I patting her tummy. ' I've had the baby already' she say's. She had the after baby belly! how was I meant to know!? blush

Reversing into a parking space between two cars...watching the side mirror so I didn't hit the wall behind, then frantically pumping on the brake pedal when I can see that the car is still rolling backwards...eye's wide and scared stiff etc. Then realised, I wasn't moving, the car next to me was driving forward. PHEW!

When using an ancient dusty old potty to catch urine for a test for UTI boiling water will be enough to sterilise it.

Do not under any circs use Dettox, this will cause GP to bollock the lab over the phone for their inability to do their job.

Kills 99% of all known germs blush

sorry naturalblonde...been away.... it all froths out and ends up on the table instead of the glass.

Do not then tell (same) year 10 class that Wordsworth was born in Cockermouth - stick to something vague, like the Lake District.

Do not think for one moment that the doctor would be as unprofessional as to ask how your new DS 'balls' are. Of course he said bowels blush

Rush to get ready for work after sleeping thriough alarm,make a made dash to the train station.
Look down at your feet 5 minutes outside London to realise you are wearing odd shoes. One was a sling back the other a court shoe, they didn't even have the same height heel. Proceed to burst in to laughter the rest of the train carriage will look at you like you have lost the plot

Don't mix a pair of red anything with (ex)partners new fire fighters blue shirts...the stitching goes pink. Don't then phone up the station to see if you can get replacements for him...Everyone in the place will find out! and he was a newbie! In retrospect, I should've made sure they dyed properly! grin

ExMil put a joint of meat into "new fandangled" pressure cooker with no water...this leads to EXPLOSION and total fear of said pressure cooker and giving it to more sensible ME! (was the 1980's).

Don't leave toilet with skirt of dress tucked into your knickers, it's not a good look. hmm

When a teenager, do not come downstairs in just your underwear to the downstairs bathroom, clutching your clean clothes and jumping loudly to the floor from second step, look to your right at a workman with a very surprised look on his face ho was chatting with your dad!

Do not under any circumstances leave new gorgeous boyfriend in your sitting room (on first meeting) near open door with clear view of open plan stairs then proceed to throw yourself down the said stairs after catching your heal on second step down...over and over to the bottom where you land upside down on your shoulders with one arm stuck behind and under you, skirt around your hips with your untoned legsn the air and completely stuck between the bottom step and a chest of drawers on the bottom landing...he had to literally pick me up because I could not move! I was the colour of London buses and sooo embarrassed.
Then of course had to say that I was perfectly fine. Change clothes because I wrecked what I was wearing and go out to dinner!

My best friend had a bit of hanky panky with her Exh in the living room and left her shiney gold 12" vibrator on the mantle piece. Male friend came to visit and it wasn't until he'd left that she spied it sitting there glistening in all it's glory...friend couldn't have missed it, but said nothing!

Just reminded me..........do not forget about boiled eggs boiling.....they do eventually explode.

Do Not

Sit in a deckchair when you are 8 months pregnant at a barbeque, you will get stuck, and laughed at

Put chick peas on to boil and leave the house to go shopping cos they take hours and on a very very low heat will be fiiiine surely....they will not, your pan will burn, your kitchen will fill with toxic chick pea smoke, you will have to clean everything including the walls in the kitchen before you vacate the house your dad has lent you rent free as he needs to sell it....

Try to pay for a full tank of diesel with your maxed out credit card

Forget to take your hair out of the high ponytail wrapped around a few times so it won't get wet in the shower, your friends (who are well dressed people who brush their hair and EVERYTHING) will laugh at you

Start to read a thread that already has 31 pages when you are really tired

Thanks for making me pmsl

While at parent and toddler group, do not hold your half-full polystyrene cup of tea with your teeth as you bend down to pick up your child. You will momentarily forget about the effects of gravity as you straighten up, and the tea will slop attractively all over your face and cleavage.

Why what happens firefly?

Do not put the ice cream in first when making a Coke float...

Do not make coffee for your neighbour with bisto.

This ones from PIL. When going to car boot sale,do not forget which field you parked the car in and phone the police grin

! After giving them your car details, they will point it out in the next field blush

.
Do not then proceed to take the piss out of PIL as they will not spreak to you, go in a big huff and refuse to babysit as arranged, leaving you with useless and expensive concert tickets angry

So glad to have found this thread. Ok, when out with new boyfriend do not do the following:

suddenly remember that your tampon needs changing,
rush up from the table,
get to the swanky bathroom and realise you also need a new sanitary pad,
replace items as necessary;
look around helplessly for a bin for the pad and decide to just wrap it up and put it in your handbag thinking you will throw it away in a minute,
forget
go to the pub with new boyfriend and a group of his mates
airily offer to buy a round
pull out purse with used pad attached which flicks off purse and lands on the floor
deny all knowledge when the barman asks if it is yours;
tread in it on way back to table.

I my friend still cringes every time it is mentioned by the new boyfriend (now DH!)

Some from my mother (and you may spot a theme here)

Don't grab your nasal decongestant in a hurry and squirt it up your nose without checking the label.....it will be hair spray

Don't grab the Gravy browning and use it without checking the label.....it will be Venos cough syrup

Don't grab your hair spray and use it without looking at the label.....it will be furniture polish

Don't spray your armpits with deodorant without checking....it will be deep Heat, and you will smell for days

Honestly, she could read!

And from me.

Don't, while teaching a class of hormonally charged 16 year olds the anatomy of the heart, suggest that they use their finger to explore the inside of the atria.....it feels rather too much like a vagina, and the class will degenerate into hysterical laughter

I have literally had to run to the toilet with my hand clasped to my fanjo. I did have a baby six weeks ago, so can be forgiven for my poor bladder control. Anyway, it is your fault for making me laugh...

Do not turn the oven on without making sure that one of the kids has not put there ball in there!!!!

Do not while going through a moody/wicca/candley teenage phase pour hot candle wax down the bathroom sink.

which reminds me... at school we used to unwrap lil-lets and put them on the shelf under the blackboard. Our poor maths teacher would always pick one up to start writing on the board......

Do not pull out board pen, in front of year 10, and begin to write on the board before noticing it is, in fact, a tampon.

When purchasing allegedly essential disposable knickers prior to having a baby, do not get your ususal size thinking that, like maternity clothes, they are sized up to fit the pregnant lady. They are not.

In the aftermath as you struggle to get them over your knees your midwife will laugh at you and you may cry.

This is hilarious-really cheered me up.
Here's mine

DO NOT teach a seminar in front of 30 teachers, wonder what the "lump" in your trousers is, put your hand up your trouser leg to retrieve "lump" while still pontificating to said 30 teachers and find that the lump is your dirty knickers from yesterday. Then DO NOT hold out to your audience and say "oh these are my knickers from yesterday"

Do not forget ds is in the car and have to phone your boss and inform him that you will be late due to having to turn around and drive 20 mins back to nursery before returning to work... blush

Do not lock dogs and car keys in car with no window open and no spare set on the day of a dog show. Do thank all that is holy that a very nice man with a coat hanger was able to rescue you

(I asked ds why he hadn't mentioned it - he said he hadn't noticed hmm

Waswondering - I just told my DH about your swimming costume/pants thing and he was almost in tears grin

Do not drive to the shops and walk home. Courtesy of my mother who was known to do this frequently.

When taking ds to his first swimming lesson, and wondering why you are getting peculiar looks from other parents while standing poolside, and trying not to be paranoid about your figure in a swimsuit, do not forget to remove your white-but-graying M&S briefs from on top of your dark purple swimming costume . . . .

loving this thread!

DO NOT when naked, drunk and feeling sick, perch on the edge of the bath whilst vomiting into the loo - the force of the vomiting will push you backwards and you will bang your head and get stuck in the bath in a kind of U shape. You will then have to call DH for help and he will shake his head in disappointment. blush

Do not, when doing some research for your bathroom renovation at work, google 'showers'. Or, if you must, remember to EXCLUDE the search term 'golden'. Otherwise your colleagues will really wonder about you.

Always remember what your car looks like. Do not, under any circumstances, leave the cinema, walk towards your car, see the door is open and the window is down and decide to have a look to see what's been stolen. Because then the owner of that car will leave the group of friends he's talking to and say "what the F*ck are you doing to my car." Mine was parked three cars further down, and was a 4-door, not a 2-door!

Do not think it's a good idea to secretly lick the ice cream scoop clean in the kitchen after serving. It will stick to your lower lip and rip off copious amounts of skin.

Also, never test to see if your iron has heated up sufficiently by holding it to your nose. (my mate did this, not me!)

Do not put apple squash in a frying pan thinking it's vegetable oil. It will fizz and boil and make LOTS of smoke and your dp will tell everyone how stupid you are.

Don´t go to a tiny tiny cinema with your dh to see a lovestory ,and let him fall asleep.
He will snore soo loud that you can hardly understand a word.If you like him to wake up,don´t let him drink any beer before falling asleep!

Don´t drive to a foreign country on a daytrip,lock your car key´s in the car and your money.Then find out they refuse to speak english.Your husband of course is on a meeting somewhere and you don´t have his number.Your IL don´t answer the phone past 10pm.

Do not give the last coins you have to your child to look at,and turn to talk to someone.You´ll have a problem to get home because ds ate them.

Do not go out running without knickers on and in an ancient pair of running leggings that are coming apart at seams...

You will draw horrified looks from all dog walkers and mothers with toddlers and only notice the huge rip down the seam that is "supposed" to cover your vajayjay when you are home and looking in the mirror... (why I didnt notice a breeze "down south" is beyond me)

Do not take the piss out of truly horrible crochet loo roll covers with evil dolly-torso being sold at the school fete.

they will have been made by the person you are speaking to.

This is brilliant - only just discovered it. Here's my contribution. Do not, when 8 months pregnant call emergency line as you can smell gas and he discovers it is actually a forgotten half eaten cauliflower cheese mouldering in oven. Poor man then asks if he can wash his hands & you send him to bathroom, only then remembering that there is a pair of son's pooey pants soaking in the sink. i dread to think what he thought of me!

omg just died laughing!! def DO NOT sandwich expensive moblie between shoulder and chat while holding mug of tea...... forgot about the phone lifted my head and plop..... oh and do remember to check DCs schedule and not drop him off at school *when there is no school* and he has no way of getting in touch till the police land at the door with said child in tears at being "abandoned" blush

Do not neglect to notice DS1's Christmas present from (ex-primary school teacher) grandma; 'Weather Forecasting Set'

Do not ignore DD(3)'s 'Mummy what's this? Oh! I dropped it...'

Try not to revisit the moment when three children witnessed you running like a mad woman, stark naked apart from a solitary marigold glove, shrieking

'Get away from there, it's fucking mercury, it's fucking mercury' as you chuck the broken thermometer into the toilet bowl, desperately wondering what to do next ......

Trying to think of something to add, will report back when I remember!

Do not decide to get frisky with hubby when people are staying over and sleeping in the living room. You will forget that the baby monitor is still on blush

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

don't drive very fast through big puddles to make your kids all scream and your diesal 4-wheel drive car will does it really,really well,as you will dislodge the bung in the floor, fill you car with water, just where the central locking control unit is and it will cost you lots and lots and lots of money

Do NOT spend so long in Top Shop changing room that you don't notice the time, the assistants forget you are there and LOCK YOU IN THE SHOP!!

You then have to bang on the window to attract the attention of passing random dense teenage boy who doesn't understand you are frantically mouthing "fetch security.."

I have actually NEVER told anyone this in RL...toooo embarassing.

When putting washing on at same time as making nice hot beverage do not assume bottle of white liquid in hand is milk. Your coffee will taste of fresh spring breezes.

dont ever assume that an immobile 5 month old cannot reach anything ......lipstick does not look good all over your ds gums and hands and clothes and playmat and carpet sigh!

Do not believe your boyfriend when he says that he will clear up after you were put to bed in his housemates room (who is away)due to huge vomiting attack during a new years eve party.

Housemates will just lock the door.

Owner of room will return a week later with his parents to discover vomit covered bed which has been left to mature.

Also (this is FIL), do not think that your boil has matured and squeeze it in your girlfriends parents front room. Do not do this with eyes closed and then think 'that didn't have much pus in'. Do later lie back on the sofa and admire the pus and blood stalactites on the ceiling.

Starry Night -- I love "talking in the airshot."

Do not use cheap pink bath bombs in a white hotel bath. Remember the Cat in the Hat comes back - pink marks spreading everywhere.

Do not go to Jake's Blowhole (natural wonder in NZ) with your pregnant wife. You will walk faster than her and your children and arrive there first. When some kind people offer you some space to come forward and look at the natural wonder do not say no thanks, i am waiting for my wife and point towards her. You will all have to look at your wife weeing in full view in the undergrowth. Your wife will have no idea and will wonder why those nice peole are trying not to laugh at her as she walks back. (Well I thought I was well hidden.

Do NOT, during a lesson, stand nose to nose in front of the stupidest boy in the class and bellow at him that when you've explained 25 times how to use capital letters correctly he should know better than to stare into the middle distance with a glazed look on his face.
Because when you turn around, you'll realise he was actually looking at the Ofsted inspector who's just walked in.

ROFL!! I have a couple:
Never be tempted to think you will be able to swallow a soluble paracetamol- you won't, and someone you have fancied for ages will suddenly appear, and when you try to smile you will froth at the mouth like a rabid dog.
When you invite your ex and his new petite girlfriend to your party, don't rush about on very high heels, trying to be the hostess with the mostest, as you will fall over said heels, go flying horizontally through the air and headbutt new girlfriend in the face, then have to help ex decide whether or not she needs to go to a&e, while you slowly develop a very fetching black eye and new boyfriend (now DH) laughs uncontrollably.
Do not let your disobedient dog romp in muddy puddles in the park if there is ANY chance of a wedding party posing for photos just round the corner.
when attending the wedding of one of Dh's workmates, do not hand over the gift until establishing you are at the correct venue and the correct wedding. If you do, try not to get caught as, after being there for half an hour before dh realises he knows no-one, you steal your gift back and leg it!
I could go on and on!! My life is full of stupidity- so glad I'm not alone!

Me too .....I LOVE this thread!!

(as I keep saying) grin

"Do not stick high chair toy (with suction foot)on your forehead in an attempt to make a grizzly baby laugh.

It will get stuck,take ages to come off,and you will be left with a HUGE raised red bump in the middle of your forehead for days!!"

this made me laugh out loud!!! grin

Do not, when 7 months pregnant, leave your house keys in your husband's car as he goes off to Bolton for the week - and you are due to go away on a business trip, too. This leaves you locked in the house. Do not then realise that the back door is an option and take your overnight bag and laptop into the back garden. Which has no access to the street. Do not then call to a neighbour and climb over her wall, with bag, with laptop, with 7 month pregnant bump; to go through her house.

Do not then take ALL the keys to the back door with you. Because then husband can't let the cat out when he comes back from Bolton...

Do not: Come home drunk, fail to get key in front door, and bang loudly on door. When door is opened by a complete stranger, do not scream "What the feck are you doing in my house?" Only to slowly realise you are at the house next door to your own! blush

DO NOT:
believe the vet when she says "that enema will take at least 30 mins to act" and, as you drive home, the cat basket starts shaking very hard and a terrible yowling erupts and suddenly a terrible smell wafts across the car...!

...or fall asleep on the toilet at a drunken party so that DH has to break the door down...

And a friend (yes a friend, I do have one) advises that no one should EVER give an erotic massage using tiger balm as if it gets on the appropriate parts you will find you can do a handstand in the shower for ever such a long time and you won't believe how much your eyes will water!!!!

Don't borrow sister's car to pick up foreign student from train station, forget said car has an immobiliser and call RAC (who arrive hour and half later) to fix 'broken down' car. blush

similar to broquemum - do not enthusiastically greet the lady in Sainsbury's who looks really familiar with "hi, how are you! It's been ages!"

She will reply politely but you will realise afterwards that she is in fact not a friend of yours, but that woman off Eastenders.

And one from me this morning - before starting the scanner with a very large, high resolution scan which will take 10 minutes, do check that you have put in your document - and not the Observer Woman magazine. blush

When moving into new house and laying temporary carpet do not walk in front of dd into new living room and turn head to dd telling her not to trip over the temporary wire across the doorway. You will not be watching where you are going and fall headlong over spare roll of carpet dh has very conveniently left in living room.

Do not stick high chair toy (with suction foot)on your forehead in an attempt to make a grizzly baby laugh.

It will get stuck,take ages to come off,and you will be left with a HUGE raised red bump in the middle of your forehead for days!! blush

Do not attempt to chat to that very familiar looking woman in the departure lounge at City Airport in the sure and certain knowledge that you know her very well but have temporarily forgotten her name.

You don't know her.

She is the Grand Duchess of Luxembourg...

Do not attempt to sing welsh national anthem when rugby is on just cause your FIL came from Abertilery.

Ditto singing any other welsh song when rugby is on.

Dont come on Mumsnet when very drunk cause your fingers and brain dont engage and you cant type

Do not leave house to meet a friend, only to discover you have forgotton your mobile; turn to re-enter house and discover you have forgotton your keys. Do not go to back of house and climb over garden fence and onto shed roof with the intention of breaking in through your flatmate's window, only to fall THROUGH the shed roof into the shed which is locked from the OUTSIDE. Do not sit breathing heavily inside the shed, amongst the remains of the roof, when aforementioned roof is made of asbestos.

It took me an hour and a half to escape the shed, and then I was still trapped in the back garden...

Do not sit naked at the computer in your first floor flat that has old style sash windows and nets curtain only cover the bottom half on the window. The look on the window cleaner's face as you run and hide will stay with you for life.

Great I LOVE this thread & was trying to find it!!

Do not, while assessing your vintage magazines which you are selling on Ebay, open one up to have a nosey at the features and then sneeze in it. Hugely. You will have to take at least £1 off the auction price.

thank bump for Friday

ok this is a great thread...

do not says things about someone you would rathetr them not here...... they will be stood behind you and it wil be your boss

donot go to the green wheelie bin outside and leave your keys in the backdoor, start chatting to neighbour and then realise that your two year old haslocked you out.....then remember that your keys need to be turned fifteen times and that your 2 year old can not get the keys out of the door to post them back to you...remember that your husband is the only other person with a key and is working miles away...your new nighbours will have to lend you a ladder and you will have toclimb through the bedroom window and rescue your screaming toddler blush

do not be distraced when going into a garage chasing said 2year old you will walk straight into the glass door and then have to pretend it didn't hurt while the builders in the van opposite piss themselves laughing..while you worry whether or not you have broken your nose

do not let your dh remove the glued on bathroom taps by giving them a little tap with the hammer, the sink will break in half

I love this thread

Do not expect that when you have a parent meeting with your dd's (yr7) form teacher, for form teacher to forget that at the weekend in the hairdressers, she overheard you asking dd if she was in her class. I swear teachers are getting younger!

do not, in a very busy lecture theatre lobby, lose your temper when someone steps on your foot, shout "Jesus Christ, are you BLIND??", then turn around to see(as everyone around you falls silent with horror and disapproval) a man who is, in fact, blind.

Do not, at the end of a phone conversation with your GP, say "Bye, love you".
You will have to change GPs.

Do not go for a spray tan and forget to turn around after the first spray or you will ahve an orang front and a white back.

Do not 'forget' you are driving an 8ft hight transit van and drive into a gap that is 6ft high at your local ASDA car park.

Courtesy of my dh.

Do not:

Dish out expensive dog food into dog bowl; load washing machine; unwrap clothes washing tablets; place carefully in bowl of dog food.

bump. just in case someone missed this wonderful thread and for any NYE disasters.

Don't leave the hoover out on an already overcrowed landing, so that dh can fall over it at 2am and rip his little toe nail clean off! (ouch!)

Do Not forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair on a very very cold morning, as it will act like an instant gel when frozen outside but instantly flop as soon as you get indoors.
Do Not leave your very full briefcase in the middle of the bedroom door (still cant remember why I took it to bed) and go to sleep with the light off, as DH will trip over it when he enters the room and bang his head on the corner of the dressing table, splitting his eyebrow open.
After the hospital visit for stitches do not let concused DH to walk into lounge, to trip over, kick the wooden leg on sofa breaking two toes..... I was labelled the husband beater for months after that, as hubby had black eys, stitches in eyebrow and was using crutches with his foot swathed in bandages.
Do not take DH to first showing of Lord of the Rings as during the opening scenes of Hobbiton he bellows across the cinema, 'Tellietubbie land'.

I am laughing so much all the kiddies and DH think I have completely lost the plot blush

I got one tho.....

do not ever, under any circumstances, go to work, spot some rather tasty window men replacing broken window at work, ogle them, and drive into the back of your bosses car.

do not especially do this if you are driving an old style mini, and bosses car has a tow bar on the back.

tasty window men do not look quite so tasty when they are having to man-handle your car off the back of bosses car while pissing themselves laughing at your 'woman driving skills'.

blush

PS.....thankfully there was no damage to bosses car[phew].....can't say the same about my car as tow bar went thro the grill at the front into the engine sad

!!!!

ah yes, that reminds me of a Christmas one a few years back...

Do NOT set off at 5.00am on Christmas Eve, to a Sainsbury's 40 miles away because you left it too late to order a turkey and they were the only place with any stock, then spend 2 hours struggling round, punching people out of the way to get to the last pot of brandy butter, then check out all of your items, including of course lots of chilled and frozen things - you can see where this is going, can't you? - only to get to the payment bit and discover your purse is not on your person. Definitely then do not punch all the people in the queue behind you tutting very loudly (OK, that bit didn't happen but all the rest did)

THEN, do not grovel on the floor to the VERY kind Sainsbury's staff who, used to such idiocy, offered to store my full trolley in the chiller bay area of their storeroom for 4 hours, as long as I signed a bit of paper saying I'd come back for it...

...Then, DEFINITELY don't ring the police to report your purse stolen AT Sainsbury's since you know you left the house with it, cancel all your debit and credit cards, borrow DH's cashcard, withdraw 250 pounds in cash, drive ALL the way back to Sainsbury's, pick up shopping, pay and drive home, only to open the car door to find the purse wedged down between the drivers seat and the bottom of the car door frame.

Heres my Xmas one:

Every year my Mum gives me a full savings card for Somerfield (one of those ones where you buy the stamps through the year) to buy goodies/drinks etc for Xmas. I never usually shop there myself but its her nearest supermarket.

So there I am in the checkout in Somerfield this morning, woman tells me the total which is 7p over the voucher/card total. I say "thats not bad considering I was adding it up in my head on the way round" as I hand her the card.

She looks at me and says "Yes thats great but this is a Tesco voucher".

I was -what a numpty. Every year its a Somerfield one, this year its Tesco, next year I will check before making presumptions and heading off to the wrong supermarket

do not be crying with laughter at jellybelly's fake tan story when 3 year old bangs head and then will not talk to you for an hour because you were being horrible to him laughing at his misfortune

DO NOT go to a work conference in a hotel and have a couple of glasses of wine (only 2 honest!), then go to bed wearing tiny black lacey knickers. You will get up an hour or so later to go to the toilet whilst still asleep and go out of the bedroom door rather than the toilet door. The bang of the door will wake you up and you will find yourself near enough fully naked in the corridor locked out of your room.
Then proceed to knock on colleague's doors with no response..then decide to get the lift down three floors to reception but on the way down have to look at yourself in the wall to wall, floor to ceiling lift mirror saying to yourself 'what the f**k am I doing? Anyone could get in now' when arriving at the ground floor stand for a second in reception area assessing the situation and decide that you don't have the nerve to present yourself at reception naked, so get back into the lift back to your floor AND.....knock on a strangers door and when they ask who is it? shout 'I'm naked' (hoping that there is only a female in there and that they don't think you a a total nutter or sex fiend)

The stranger was very nice, opened the door, invited me in, lent me a towel and phoned the hotel manager. phew!

DO NOT go to Tesco Express for milk half asleep 5 minutes after waking up from night duty reverse your car in to brand new Mercedes get out of car, look at the damage you've done ( £1000 worth ) exclaim FUCK loudly then get back in to the back seat of your own car and try to move car using the head rest as the steering wheel..

When you're in a hurry to get the stuck-on lid of the superglue off cos you broke the Mousetrap lamppost and had promised DD a game before bed and its late already.....

don't use your teeth as pliers.

DO NOT when reading times of the back of VHS/DVD announce that the film is 1 hour 38 minutes (robin hood prince of thieves) so that when the film is still running nearly 2 hours later someone checks and it is actually 138 minutes
Me aged 13/14 - did get to stay up a lot later that night

AWIAM - owch!
Do not ingore ds whilst in buggy when shopping in a greengrocers - you will discover several shops and strange looks later that ds is licking a large white cabbage! blush

Don't...hold onto the open front door around the edge of the door to put your shoes on, overbalance and shut your fingers in the door.

OK?

Do not book flight to Belgium from Heathrow airport on the day of the first major terror alert since London bombings - you will not reach said destination!
*Or attempt to make up for non holiday with a flight to Dublin only to find that the counter-part of the driving licence is needed to hire the Hertz car that you have paid for!
*Or book a hotel that is tucked away from everywhere in the Wicklow mountains an hours drive away from Dublin airport - makes travel with a non exsistent hire car very expensive!
*Or take only Mastreo cards with you that are not particually well used in Ireland, least of all with Hertz and said hotel!
DO stay at home if a walking disaster when it comes to holidays! grin

Do not, if you think your eyebrows are a little too bushy, as a 12 year old girl, decide to use your dad's shaving razor to trim them a bit. You will end up hacking chunks out of your eyebrows and enduring taunts from school mates for a very long time as they will not grow back properly for ages.

I wish I had known that at the time...

Absolutely fab thread!

Oh gad, do not welcome a client in and direct them to the waiting room with a cheery "take a seat!" when they are in a wheelchair because they have no legs!

Do not - read this thread at work and have your boss come in with some work to find you with tears/mascara running down your cheeks because you can't stop laughing. Not so much at people hurting themselves, but at the way they are written - this should be published!

Do - come up with a quick answer as to your state of hillarity as you are not supposed to be on the net!

Do not call your dh 'mum' at the checkout in tesco in front of about ten members of staff and loads of customers, as in 'you know my pin number don't you mum?'

Do not read this thread when you are due to give birth any day and have been having very strong Braxton Hicks and live an hour from your hospital...

DO NOT come home pissed, boil an egg for a snack (cupboards were bare), fall asleep in lounge, wake up dribbling at 6am wondering what the foul smell is, then go into kitchen to find said egg turned into a burning mass of tar after being boiled for five hours.

Took me five days and £25-worth of air fresheners to de-egg the house...

Do not read this thread and laugh yourself sick, when relying on crap pelvic floor to hold in wee.....

Just bumping this as I have finally got round to finishing reading it.
WANT MORE..............

do not take car to garage to have slow puncture on tyre repaired and tell them the wrong trye.
do not return to garage a few days later as still have slow puncture

Do not send your DS1 and long-suffering DW frantically searching around the house for your belt that was on your jeans when you are trying desperately to get to work. Do not lose temper when they say they can't find it. Do not look down and discover you are wearing jeans and belt.

My DH was walking out of the supermarket today after looking at the receipts he blurted "Bloody hell fire!" At which my 3yr old DS asked looking into the distance, "Daddy where's fire, can't see it?"

This is somthing dh did before dd's time but it makes me laugh everytie i think of it. All the better because i was watching!

do not dip your finger into mysterious puddle on kitchen top and then lick!

especially when cat has been locked in house all day!

i really did nearly pmsl

Don't, if you are from Canada, try on clothes in Topshop with a friend and ask loudly 'does my fanny look big in this'.

Don't tell work colleagues that you need a ride - could they give you one.

Don't tell your male flatmates that your new pants are a bit too big and have been falling down all day.

Whatever I was speaking when I first arrived here, it certainly wasn't English! Worse, no one corrected me and it was a MONTH before I realised why I was so hilarious.
blush

bumping this thread as crying with laughter again

Do not make any attempts at performing simple things such as tuning the tv how hard can it b, i did it!
Although the picture wasn't very good you could just see the people overlayed by a permanent blizzard.
2wks pass. Friend visiting says 'your picture looks a bit funny, has your ariel come out. Now thats what the spare wire was for, oops!

Do not attempt after a few drinks to take a short cut, and running on ahead heading for the bushes, wondering why no-one is following u, it was a cold night so i wore an extra wooly jumper.I am still trapped amongst the thorns. HELP!

DP reminded me of one of mine - do not get concerned that DP is lying in the bath with just his nose, mouth and eyes sticking out of the water, and ask him "won't your head fill with water if you do that"??

On your first driving lesson, do not loudly ask why there isn’t a light under the steering wheel so you can see the pedals better.

This thread is just precious :0

Do not, after some wild sex with your girlfriend (moi) take your t-shirt off in front off your mother, sister and sisters family in order to try on new one.

Don't then go red and fall dumbstruck leaving embarrassed girlfriend to mumble some explaination about injuries procured during blackberry picking.

do not accidentally put your bag down on the phone button that then rings your sil. Do not then have a long conversation with dh about what is, in your opinion, wrong with said sil's marriage shock

. DO then have to grovel and apologise to sil and ring brother to explain why
his dw may be a bit "upset" when he gets home blush

Do not volunteer as a witness to a car theft, talk to a nice police officer about what you saw, agree to help with identifying suspects, give your mobile number, and then answer your mobile in a traffic jam saying 'I can't talk, I'm driving', thinking it's your dh calling.

Because it won't be, it will be DC whoever trying not to laugh at your stupidity.
He kindly didn't point out I was breaking the law.

Do not talk to your 3 year old mid standing pee unless wearing waterproofs!

Oh, and do not attempt to put washing in freezer and wonder why it doesn't fit, then immediately after putting basket down, put your purse in the fridge, take out milk and put the milk in the cupboard for no reason whatsoever.
As a child, I was playing with plastic handcuffs in a toy shop (NOT like that!!) and discovered if you closed/squeezed them right down whilst holding them, they turned right through each other to be open again! Do not then let small boy playing next to you put them on your wrists to do the same thing - as they don't go through your bones, resulting in having to ask assistant for key and being handcuffed for 20 minutes while she finds the key, in hysterics.

Not sure if I was brave enough to post this further down, but here's mine:
Do not walk along street gawping at someone having a row across the road - when you turn your head back, you WILL walk into a lamp post. When gettng back to office looking like Rudolph, do not claim the post was never there before when it has been there for last 15 years.
Do not think that mincemeat (mince pie stuff) is a quick way to make spag bol if no fresh mince is in shop. It is not mince....
Do not also refuse a mince pie as you are vegetarian, thinking it has mince (the stuff from a cow!!) in it.
Do not sit at the bar on Chester station concourse complaining it is cold and asking why they don't shut the doors at the entrance - it is the trains causing the draughts!!
Do not sit for 2 hrs watching telly then suddenly notice a giant satellite dish is on the floor in front of the telly, where DP has placed it ready for Sky to be installed and claim "it wasn't there a minute ago". Also do not go on to ask "is it made from the same mesh as tights..."

Do not attempt to remove mooncup after chopping fresh chillies.

Do not tell kindly old ex-serviceman in pub that you 'only have a bit of shrapnel' for his collection box. He will tell you all about the shrapnel in his leg and exactly how it got there and you will feel terribly guilty for bad choice of words.

On similar note, after buying Big Issue vendor's last copy, do not say cheerily 'so that's you finished for the day, are you off home now then?'

blush

D'oh, that's be white sofa then blush

If you've just splashed a little bit of bright yellow curry on the white sofa and your wife is yelling at you to 'move, move, get a dishcloth', don't then balance plate of remaining curry (remember, it's bright yellow and the sofa is white) on the sofa arm then stand up and knock it on the floor so it splashes all up the side of the ^white sofa^.

Then stomp off in a sulk later when said dw says no, you're not getting that bj.

My dh, tonight (did you guess?).

When your colleague has spent all day at work terribly worried about her cat that is ill and at the vet's, and then she leaves early to collect said cat, don't call after her (across the very busy office) "see you tomorrow Emma, I hope your pussy's alright". I hasten to add, this was NOT me, it was a very innocent and well-intentioned colleague. There was about 2 seconds of stunned silence before hysterics set in.

Do not switch the FULL fridge/freezer off at the wall whilst you go on holiday for two weeks...

just thought of another, courtesy of DHs friend.
do not after a few pints put chilli doritos in your eyes and ask if people like your new glasses.
apparantly it burns somewhat!
funny to watch though. grin

he said his hands were really dry and used my moisturiser but got fake tan instead (neglecting of course to tell them about his orange willy).
strange no1 thought to ask if he was using hand cream, how come both of his hands werent orange?

should be - then try to cover up

can't spell today - laughing too much at this thread

Do not volunteer for nursey school refurbishment day and when sitting around with other parents eating pizza at lunch time make poor judgement call and choose to sit in a child-size chair which sticks to your bum when you stand up resulting in two other parents (including a dad) having to help pull it off (mortified emoticon)and then have everyone stand round making polite conversation pretending it didn't happen

do not when on holiday in France on New Year's eve go out on the balcony to admire fireworks with dh, then close glass patio door behind you to keep mosquitos out of room, then find you have locked yourself out on balcony, then have to sleep out all night on balcony with only a towel and two swim suits for blankets whilst forlornly shouting down to drunken passersby to go and get help ...

do not announce to colleagues at an editorial meeting in your best French that you are 'pregnant' and 'on heat' when you are neither and then despite not wanting to, start to visibly cry when they all crack up laughing and they try to cover up your crying with false coughing

Oh JB that is soo fecking funny grin

How did he talk his way out of that in work???

This ones from DH.
When refused sex from wife with very heavy period, do not go looking in darkened bathroom for moisturiser to have a wnk.
You will pick up a bottle of fake tan, and wake up with a spectacularly orange willy and right palm, leaving wife unable to speak or stand for 1 full hour due to massive laughing fit!!!

Do not when 15 yrs old insert tampon the wrong way, have to dig it out with finger and find a big lump. proceed hysterically to drs, tell nurse, I have a massive tumour up my fanjo. she will don her miners helmet and smirkingly tell you, its your cervix dear!

Do not when blearly eyed at three in the morning, apply extreme whitening toothpaste instead of canesten shock

And when you do have to go the GP do NOT tell him i have no idea what caused this horrible burn type blister because he will ask for a second opinion from v v fit young doctor blush

Do not try to rinse out your mooncup in a posh hotel bathroom without checking the water pressure. you may end up trying to wash blood off their lovely paintwork blush

do not go for a quick pee in the bushes without first

a) checking to make sure there's no one around
b) there are no, absolutely NO stinging nettles.

arrgggghhhhhh

and then have to walk 2 miles home with ubby creasing up every five minutes!

blush

Fch I too have done that and my lovely beech worktop still has the scorched underside two years later.
You are not alone. grin

i have just heaved loudly!

Do not push that bit of stewed apple poking out of the sinkhole back down the sink.

It will not be a stewed apple - it will be one of those small fat white slugs that are everywhere at the mo.

Bleurgh!

No amount of hand waving will take the feeling away!

If your boyfriend has just poured everything he owns into buying a dream home for you both to live in, which has just been fitted with a hugely expensive hand made solid wood kitchen do not decide to demonstrate your domestic skills by grilling some bacon if you this requires closing the oven door. You will forget to keep an eye on it and when you notice the rather shrivelled bacon and think "I'd better get that out of there this minute" the sudden influx of air to the oven will cause said bacon fat to ignite - flames will shoot 2 feet out of the oven door and the flaming fat will set fire to the wooden bit above the oven door. This is not a good start to cohabitation and your DH will still be telling everyone where the scorch mark came from 5 years later...

do not

attempt to iron a shirt whilst wesring ir

leave powdered polyfilla beside the toilet with toddlers in the house

boocha, I've done that.

When meeting your boyfriend's terribly posh family for the first time, do not use the bathroom. If you do you WILL cross the room upon exiting said bathroom nodding and returning smiles only to discover that your dress is tucked in your knickers. And said boyfriend will not see the funny side of it.

At least I was WEARING knickers.

Do not

ask ice cream man for a 69 instead of a 99

I have cried and cried reading this!

There are so many things I have done, but a sample of my stupidity follows:

Do not tell your younger sister that at puberty she will change into a boy - apparently i did this and my poor sister was traumatised for years waiting for her willy to grow! She will not let me forget it and tells anyone that will listen!

Do not, as a mature (mmm) student get very drunk at a neighbours bbq, collapse in her downstairs loo and then have to take A level Sociology still drunk - you will not get the grade you expected!

Then, take a degree, sleep with your lecturer to prove to everyone he isn't gay (he was sooo pretty) and then find two years later that he is be your supervisor for your disertation - we were both single before anyone asks.

Oh, and recent experience - don't give a bj when suffereing from morning sickness it sets off a rather nasty reaction!

I've just done this:

Things Not To Say In Your First Class with New Students.

When trying to find an example sentence using the word 'body' do not say "Look at my body".
Do not draw more attention to your embarrassing gaff by babbling "No don't look at MY body, obviously I didn't mean that, er, er..." blush

Do not allow a hunky waiter to perform cunnilingus on you whilst chewing gum.

You will find said gum stuck in your lady garden several hours later.

Do not attempt to seperate your eyelashes with a cocktail stick, you will slip & get a splinter in your eye. (D-sis)

OK, Boco's FIL "waaaheeeyyy!"ing at her norks, and cocolepew's stamp on the nether regions are my current favourites grin

I told the "waaaheeyyyyy!" one at toddler group yesterday, they were PTSL

When aged around 14 and have blackheads on your nose.....

Do not attempt to scrub them clean with a nail scrubber ...

You will look like you have been dragged nose first again a brick wall.. for at least 1 month....

Do not attempt to cover up the injury with a plaster you do not look like Adam Ant you will look a bloody idiot.....

Don't attempt to cure an itchy earhole by digging at it vigourosly with a cheap biro. The end of the biro will fall off and lodge in your ear, meaning a trip to Casualty to have it hooked out with the special tweezers they keep for kids who do that kind of thing. WHich is a bit humiliating when you are 28 and the people who work with are going to laugh about it for the next 20 years and eventually list it online for other peole to laugh at.

when renewing your car insurance, do not confuse 'civil partnership' with 'common law' when the nice lady asks for you marital status!

Do not, when aged 14, believe your mother when she says that Swarfega (anyone remember that stuff?) is the same as hair gel. You will spend several hours washing and re-washing your hair before going to a school disco with wet-look, weird-smelling hair and the boy you've fancied for ages will not want anything to do with you.

Do not shave off your eyebrows. You will not be able to pencil them in the same, they will smudge. You will look like Bod.

Beauty tips - tried & tested.

1) Do not try and dye your blonde hair black as a teenage pseudo-goth with cheap wash-in wash-out dye. Your hair with go a putrid snot-green colour and it will not wash out despite what it said on the instuctions.

2) Do not , when your cheap self tan goes all streaky around your face and neck, use nail varnish remover to try and get it off.....

When you get a letter from school informing you that your Reception age child’s class is going to be partaking in a “Pirate day” and will require a packed lunch for their Treasure trek expedition – it may be fun to decide to make them “Treasure Sandwiches” by cutting them in to nice little rounds and painting things, using icing pens, like treasure maps, jolly rogers, pirate ships, coins etc on them, but please, please make sure that the “clip lock” Tupperware type “treasure chest” you stow said sandwich bites into can be opened by darling 4 year old.
Failure to do so WILL result in said child forcing open the treasure box and plonking all afore mentioned lovingly made creations on the school canteen floor.
Cue one very unhappy pirate boy sad

not to mention the waste of an entire evening with faffing icing pens………..

also DO NOT over sugar and water your Brian Setzer Quiff on Rockabilly Night or it will snap off and shatter into a million fragments while you are bopping and trying to look cool. (happenned to the quiff my borther envied at a rockabilly club in Plymouth. The DJ stopped the music and a minute's silence was observed while the Quiff owner stood and sobbed over the shattered pile of hair shock

As happened to a friend...

When your woodburning Aga is burning too hot because you used anthracite instead of wood, do not consider throwing water on it to cool it down......... in particular, do not then throw what you think is water, but actually turns out to be the fat you drained off the roast chicken, over said Aga.

It results in nasty burns <wince>

Then : Do not listen to your mum who used to keep her beehive up with sugar and water. When you do it you will attract every flying insect within a 10 mile radius.

Do not spike your mohican up with washing up liquid and soap. Then get caught in the rain. You will look like you have a bubble perm.

I was young and foolish.

i am crying at this thread!

this happened to someone i knew once:

Do Not spray your hair with lots and lots of hairspray then light a cigarette.

your hair will spontaneously combust.

A variation on casserole lids . . .

Do not
Heat up oil in a wok with the lid on. When you lift the lid, it will ignite, sending two-foot flames up around your arm. After you hastily put the lid down to extinguish the flames, do not think that the wok will have cooled down in the ten seconds that you give it to do so. When you lift the lid a second time, the flames will get all the bits they missed the first time.

Afterwards, do not complain continuously to the bf who insists that you keep your arm under the cold tap for the full 15 minutes. He is doing it for your own good, not because it hurts, and yes, he is worth marrying.

as happened to a guy I worked with:

Do not when very drunk and someone hands you a cigarette, tuck it behind your ear to smoke later. You will pass out before realising the cigarette was lit and wake up with a very sore ear.

Do not laugh at Entropy while drinking coke. It will sting like hell coming down your nose.

Do not, in a fit of not quite Spring - Spring cleaning, decide to rearrange the bedroom so your bed is underneath the window. Do not decide to open said window to let some air in. Do not then forget to shut the window for the entire pissing it down day.

<<<off to change bedding>>>

blush

Oh, a few more,
As a teenager, when working at your part time job, do not put one hand into a dodgy waste disposal thats full of water, whilst using your other hand to flick the power switch - you get electocuted ...... i did it twice, but was fine. Then DO NOT let your very insane friend that saw you get elecrocuted, ring your dad to tell him that I have finished work and ask him to come and take me home, because she wont, she will tell the 50 year old that I have electocuted myself and died. Yes he cried, and her mother made her come round to my house and appologise to my father as she could have given him a heart attack! The friend subsequently ran into a main road a year later, in a fit of excitement, got run over by the moving traffic, and broke her leg.

Don't use home made jam for sandwiches for your 4 year old's birthday party. There's no list of ingredients and later on, when they've eaten them all, you'll discover it actually has BRANDY in it.

Do not - if you are legally blind - buy a thermospot frying pan. you WILL burn the end of your nose trying to see if the spot has changed colour.

Oh and this is my ex's brother;
When a teenager, and a very clumsy one, dont prat about on the stairs as you will fall down them and break your leg - situation not helped when you go out the day after, try and play football and break remaining leg.

These are fantastic!! Heres mine;
Dont get into your dads car, when parents are on holiday, aged 14, drunk, and attempt to drive it round your cul-de-sac, crash it into a fence, rip the bumper and side wing off, and when they come home say somebody crahed into it, and get away with lying.......until your dad goes outside and see's the remains of the said car scraped along a fence.

Dont, when learning to drive, crash into your very expensive, boss's house and die inside as they rush outside to see what the loud bang was.

Dont, when training to be a veterinary nurse, go on an end of year trip to Knowsley Safari Park, and, having pregnancy brain, declare loudly on the coach the the Gazebo over there has just given birth, and the babu cant even stand yet. YES I meant a Gazelle, and am therefore not allowed to live it down. My tutor lookedquite woorried, probably wondering how the hell I passed my exams! hmm

Im sure there are more, Im a preety dippy person, pregnancy brain is not allowing me to remember right now.

If you use an Ergo or similar backpack baby carrier...do not do that little hoppety skip in order to make ds briefly lift up enough to give you some slack on the straps so that you can tighten them a bit.

At least, not without checking that ds hasn't just produced a stealth turd.

Tightening the straps suddenly will create a cannon effect and the laws of physics will ensure that poo is squirted out of both leg holes and up his back. You will wonder if you have inadvertently stepped in some dogpoo while you are striding along feeling all efficient and organised but having detected a vague interruption to the sweet smells of springtime, and a complete stranger with an odd look on his face and a knack for understatement will ask you if your ds "needs a tissue".

DO NOT;

While attending tne funeral of your grandmother at a crematorium innocently ask
'Can anyone smell burning?'

It was Autumn at the time and I was at school
(high school admittedly) blush

Never quite forgotten that one!!

Friend told me this years ago. When having a gynae exam, do not go to loo and wipe with a tissue from your bag. Then when flat on back and feet up, see the Dr. hand the nurse a stamp from your nether regions.

re the 'spunky' one

Do not get very drunk whilst still jetlagged from flying to Australia, do not take being called a 'Spunkrat' by your new friends attractive flatmate as a mortal insult, and start crying hysterically whilst they frantically dragging random strange men over from corners of the bar to reassure you that it was, actually, a compliment. You will spend the next 12 weeks having horrible flashbacks, and never being able to look said flatmate in the eye.

Also in Australia, don't go wandering around strange rainforests and then throw yourself on a handily placed fallen log. It will be sheltering a sleeping Tai Pan snake and you will rip your legs to pieces trying to break the 4 minute mile up a sheer rock face.

Finally don't smoke strange strong varieties of things you don't normally smoke in the UK whilst camping in a Queensland national Park as you will then spend 3 hours thinking you are being savaged by giant moths blush

I was such a good girl before I went over there!

Oh God I had completely blotted this one from my mind:

When your two-year-old has been rushed to hospital with a suspected fracture in right leg, DO NOT when the X-ray woman asks you which leg to photo, say 'It's the left.'
Do not then wait until after the X-ray to remember which leg your own precious child has broken.

Two weeks later do not allow your other child to fracture the top of his finger while you have a tummy bug. When you ask the nurses at A&E for a sick bowl to throw up in, they WILL suspect you of having a hangover after drunkenly injuring your children's limbs.

or wonder who the hell your're supposed to be going to visit when they say "we'll come to visit with you"

Or that they have "enjoyed" you when they mean enjoyed meeting you

Or when they tell you that they think you're "very spunky". grin

Do not look horrified and blush when your American colleagues tell you they have to change their pants for dinner.

am just loving this... grin

When in paediatric ward with 12 month old ds who has gastroenteritis, waiting for an assessment for dehydration, do not give in to hospital staff request to get a urine sample from ds by taking his nappy off and waiting for him to wee and catch it in a cup.

Ds will coat you, DH and the entire treatment room in diarrhoea. This will happen on a Sunday when the NHS changes the heads on their mops. The heads will not have been replaced and the cleaner will not be working as it is a Sunday. You will not find a mop with a head for love nor money and will have to watch ancillary nurse clean the floor with paper towels.

From my DH:

Do not get too pissed when travelling by minibus from Yorkshire to the Isle of Wight for a piss-up weekend with your mates. You will need a wee really badly. Do not leave minibus to wee whilst stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 and run along the hard shoulder to a pile of girders to piss behind them, then run in panic because traffic jam has eased slightly and minibus is getting ahead of you. Do not then realise that your bumbag containing your wallet, mobile phone and Nintendo DS have fallen out of the minibus when you got out for your wee. You will have to run back down the hard shoulder to look for it.

Fortunately some kind lorry driver had noticed it and picked it up, and was holding it out his window for DH to grab.

I'm still waiting for this to show up on Police Cameras Action.

Another one for Americans (but only with a certain name)

Don't, when on business trip to UK, warmly introduce yourself to female colleague "Hi, I'm Randy"

For brits visiting America - if you're staying with colleagues in hotel and have an early start, don't helpfully offer to knock them up.

If your son has done a massive poo in his nappy, do not open your front door when the doorbell rings. It WILL be the estate agent who is about to value your house. And the fragrant nappy contents WILL have just knocked £15,000 off the valuation.

DO NOT, when your 5mo DT's are suffering from a nasty tummy bug resulting in a lactose intolerance, hold their legs in the air to show daddy just how red their bottoms are - cos they will trump and they will cover daddy in bright yellow poo when he is just leaving for work.....

Oh, and do not shut your nose in the fridge

Do not go to loo just before interview, get locked in, bang on door and shout for ages, climb out of window (4th floor) and jump sideways onto rickety balcony, bang on window, climb into room when said window is opened by bemused lady, explain you've come for interview, insist you've come for interview, and then discover you've got into next door...

another one, DO Check the address of the hotel where you are supposed to be waitressing at, otherwise you will go to the wrong hotel, insist that they have asked your agency for a waitress, then proceed to serve breakfast to hundreds of holidaymakers, until after an hour the manager pulls ou to one side and asks to see your timesheet, who thens reads out for all of the staff to hear the address of the hotel next door, very embarrassed and red face walk to correct hotel and explainwhy you are over an hour late, cue much laughter and high jinks from correct hotel staff !!

I must be the stupidest of the stupid as i have so many of these blush

do not stand up in a taxi (black cab) to hang yourself out of the window to wolf whistle at some fit passers by - you will then get stuck in traffic, they will catch you up and you will attempt to sit down casually on the seat that folded itself away when you first stood up......

DO not, when friends new quite shy boyfriend gives you a lift to the station as its on his way somewhere, kiss him on the cheek in a polite social type way in the car (why did I do this why). He may not be expecting this and may turn his face round so you kiss him on the lips.

Am still about this mortified and havent seen the couple since!

WOW, I have finally finished reading this thread. Took me ages.

I just know there are more things as I know I have felt that want to die in the moment, utter and total embarrassment, but can't for the life of me remember the incidents that caused it. Maybe I have blocked them out.

LOL LL, re "bum a fag"

I freaked exh (American) out when we had been dating for a couple of mths by shouting to him as an after thought when we were saying goodbye, "Give me a ring" I, of course meant phone me, he thought I was asking him to propose hmm

and looked like a deer in the headlights.

Oh the hilarity of misunderstandings in America. grin

Like the time I was in a room of male friends and proclaimed loudly I was getting knackered. They all thought I was saying NAKED shock

Do not when buying a new car, accept coffee from the car salesman, who then goes outside to check your car to give you a price for part ex, do not let dp take a gulp of car salesman tea and spit it back into his cup, then collapse in hystericallaughter when he comes back in and drinks his tea in one big gulp. We both collapsed into our car crying with laughter!

Do not; turn to DD's yelling 'mind the poo', trip over shoelace and land with left hand slap in the middle of said poo.

Unclean,unclean!

One we heard from removal men:
Don't keep your passport in the bookshelf. Not if you are going to have your books sea-freighted several weeks before you fly to your new job abroad....

Don't eat dried yeast while making bagels and then a lot of dried prunes.

You will think you are dying, doubled up in agony - until you start burping and realise belatedly that you have turned yourself into a large fermentation vessel. (DH)

Do not go down the metal slide at the local playground without checking your adult hip size against the minimum width of the slide.

Do not rush to Heathrow airport on a business trip, queue at the last minute for a flight to an urgent meeting in Brussels/wherever, present your passport to the desk, only to be told 'we don't accept building society passbooks'. Well it was the right size and colour.

Do not remove buggy straps because you are sick and tired of dd screaming "straps on!" every time she gets in,only to forget and tip her head first down a kerb into the road shock

-fortunately only in Disney so not a "real" road but blush

.

NB- Life is SO liberating wihtout the damn straps though....

DO NOT go to a friend's house and drink lots when her husband and his brothers all look remarkably similar.

DO NOT then proceed to snort with laughter when one tells you his name and announce "You have the same face AND the same name?!!?"

(They have very similar names, and it was all just too much for me blush

- they did however announce the next day that they like me drunk wink

)

Do not call Audi head office moaning and then call the RAC out when your key will not let you into your car, only to realise when they arrive after 45 mins you have been trying to get into your neighbours car and yours is 2 spaces down... blush

Do not get mad when rushing out of the office to meet sister & yell "where the feck is my phone" when you are on said phone to said sister.....
Do not turn up to meet said sister in odd boots and realise you have worn these in the office all day and no-one has said anything
LL - thank you so much for starting this thread - I feel both purged and happy I am not the only one this stupid grin

Only partway through so far, but crying with laughter and feel the need to add mine.

DO NOT hide a zippo lighter in your bra when you don't know how recently it was filled. Lighter fluid can and will burn, become unbelievably itchy, and brand you for a year or so after you have broken up with the lighter's owner. blush

Do not lean against railings next to a lake, handbag in front of you, then attempt to tie hair back with both hands. Handbag (containing mobile/purse/housekeys/book etc) will fall into the lake and be gone forever.

Do listen carefully when friend gives you instructions as how to find new flat so you do not walk into the next door flat where you make yourself at home while a confused australian man (who you wrongly assume is your friend's flatmate) makes you a cup of tea.

LOL BandOfMothers! - in the same vein, do not, while in your first week as a freshman in the States, ask a fellow smoker in a bar if you can "bum a fag".

(I quit, BTW wink

)

Do not do while cooking curry whatever it is my friend S has done that has led to final text of 'My kitchen looks like ground zero'.

Do not

go out drinking straight from work and then at 11 pm decide you had better eat something to 'soak up' the alcohol. Do not then go for a curry. Also do not get a cab home and hold in the welling feeling of nausea all the way home, only to be sick as soon as you open the front door all over the hall carpet.

Do not when driving in the States, turn out onto the left hand side of the road when there is a divider in the middle of the road that will prevent you from getting back on to the "right" side.

And do not in an art class ask your classmates if any of them have a rubber.

Do not insist that your dh crowbar your 4 month old into a snowsuit while you go and feed the cat/<insert miscellaneous activity>. You will discover that the "rapid spring" method does not work (lay baby flat on top of open snowsuit, hold both hands and feet in one hand and let go all at once hoping all limbs will miraculously expand into 4 neatly waiting snowsuit openings thereby necesitating only a serene smile and some minor work with some poppers...) ....hoooo no, you will spend 10 mins unvelcroing the baby's nappy from the shagpile rug and having to help him out of the biggest wedgie he is ever likely to get.
You will also then have to do any subsequent snowsuiting yourself as your dh will be paralytic with laughter and squeaking "yes, but did you see his FACE???" at intervals.

Do not stand in the queue in Tesco, pushing your trolley backwards and forwards, making shushing noises. Your children are 6 and 9, and in school.

Or, if taking large sum of money out of bank, do not choose that moment to forget your PIN. Especially wit MIL looking over your shoulder.

Do not try to be swanky when taking Very large sum of money from the building society as a cheque for new house.

Do not casually drop the card and say 'Out of that account, please!' and then look smug

because you will have passed the poor woman the wrong card and she will loudly say, 'But that is a Tesco's club card , dear!' and will look at you as if you are quite , quite mad

Do not lean over your dinner guests absentmindedly after serving them their meal and cut up their food into little squares ...the children ARE in bed asleep!

Do not say excitedly "Look at the Moo cows " with full animal sound effects as you pass a country field only to realise that your toddler is in nursery and you are giving your boss a lift to a meeting.

If you have used extreme poetic license to translate the meaning of your DD's name from Welsh into English, please check she isnt going to be sat next to the Welsh Speaking bully in her 2nd school year who will blast the literal translation round the playground and force you to hate your parents and your name for a very long time. Thanks Mum and Dad and Colin Garbut. hmm

If aged 5 do not when pretending your empty chip carton is a boat, lean over the river to try to retrieve it. You will fall in. Your mother will then rescue you, strip you off IN FRONT OF A BOY IN YOUR CLASS!!! and wrap you in a blanket in your baby sister's buggy to get you home.
{ My dsis}

Just before your 2 yr old neice comes to visit, do NOT absentmindedly take off your engagement ring and leave it on the coffee table.

When the very valuble engagement ring vanishes do not spend ages inspecting said 2yr old's poo. Do check the inside of the VCR hmm

[adds to list of definitions of MNers:
'nest of vipers'
'caffeinated harridans'
'boozy shouty fishwives'
'clumsy, accident-prone, drunken loons with Le Creuset saucepans and pissed Scottish husbands']

Do check the bed before having a shagfest with DP in a posh hotel or you will find the lovely white cotton sheets covered in chocolate in the morning. Which at first glance looks like poo!

Also do not get too much sun the day before a job interview or you will look like a panda

Do not believe DH when he tells you that the percentage chances of rain on the weather are calculated by looking at a field of cows and counting how many are lying down.

Pah.

DO NOT get completely pissed during an indian meal
only to wind down window of car on motorway in pouring rain
stick head out window to puke failing miserably as puke manages to to fly back in your face
screaming and sobbing with pain as the rain pelts you in the face at 80mph and you are choking on said puke
whilst dh nearly crashes because he is hysterically laughing at you

Do not undo your DDs buggy straps when buggy next to a pond. Your DD will fall in, nearly drown, you will have to jump in after her and will never hear the end of it. (My mum, 27 years ago)

Do not get angry at Sainsbury's when the self-service till wont accept your card, you call an assistant over to complain only to be told that "We don't actually take Daisy&Tom loyalty cards as payment, madam. blush

Do not attempt to carry 2 plates of handmade burger, chips and salad to family but get sleeve of jumper caught on the door handle and have one plate drop to the floor and the other fly through the air, land on the wooden floor and shoot a further 4 feet before depositing it's contents on the first piece of carpet it meets.

Also - be sure to put your dinner down fully on the table as you will then be sure to try to cut your food on the 'overhang' piece, resulting in your dinner being rather dramatically flicked all over your hair, face, top and lap.

Both of these 'don'ts' will result in hysterical laughter from your family both at the time and for at least 20 years afterwards.

Do not attempt to use computer while holding toddler with stomach virus on knee.

Do remember to phone Dell on Monday to order new keyboard.

My Dad is very attached to his blackberry. I did think once that it would require surgery to separate it from him. I though Mum was very witty with the crumble thing, too grin

I think Blackberry Crumble is very witty, Roskva! grin

( But maybe not if it were my Blackberry) hmm

Do not be showing off about how great mooncups are to your cynical and sqeamish friend then bring yours down to show her only to realise you haven't washed it out properly

Never throw yourself into an elderly deckchair while holding a jam donut. When the deckchair collapses with you in it, you will squirt the jam from the donut all over yourself. Your mother will then scream, thinking the jam is blood, and will assume that you are mortally wounded. But the only injury you actually sustain is being stung by a wasp as your parents attempt to extract you from the wreckage of the deckchair (Roskva aged about 8)

Never drop you mobile phone anywhere near my Mum's car. She will run over it. And no, my Dad didn't think her joke about blackberry crumble remotely funny.

Don't try ironing a t-shirt in a rush on the cheap duvet instead of getting out the ironing board you will melt the cheap duvet!

Loving this thread grin

Do not spend ages berating your children for losing the Sky tv remote only for them to discover you left it in the fridge while making yourself a cuppa.
Or moan to dh while on the phone that for some reason you cant fit the washing in the dryer only to realise that you are trying to load it into the freezer.
And needless to say one should never throw the chicken in the bin and cook the packaging as it causes vast quantities of black smoke to pour from oven setting off fire alarms that i can never turn off once they start.

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