I'm really obsessing about this at the moment. No reason to, because the Down's test (for example) came back as low risk etc, and I'm not a high risk pregnancy or anything. But I just worry so much about it. People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong. I know it isn't PC or anything to say this.
I'm so obsessed that I'm googling baby movement (mine is quite active) in case that means everything will be fine.

Is this just me? I hate surprises (hence knowing the sex) and maybe the 9 month wait is getting to me or something?

yes, essie, i worry about it all the time - and i work with SEN kids which doesn't help either

i would guess it's probably completely normal to worry, but that doesn't really help does it

“People say I'll love my baby no matter what, but I'm not so sure I would if there was something major wrong.
I know it isn't PC or anything to say this.”. well I know it isn’t pc or anything to say this either, but, why are you having children if you think you can only love a perfect one? .

I think it is perfectly normal to worry that there might be something wrong. To want to give birth so that you know that everything is ok and that you have a healthy baby. Nothing wrong with that. But what makes me and is this belief that a baby with disabilities is not as loveable as one without. Why is this? Why?

There are many, many disabilities that cannot be tested for in utero. There are also disabilities that do not show until the child is older, such as autism. So you could give birth to your healthy, perfect baby and he/she might still turn out to be disabled. Will you love him/her less in two years time if he/she turns out to be autistic? Or has a developmental delay which is not picked up for a time? Or, god forbid, has a horrible accident and ends up severely disabled as a result?

It’s one thing having some concerns and wanting everything to be ok. We all want our children to be ok. No-one sets out to have a disabled child and if you speak to people with children with sn they will tell you that they wouldn’t have wished disabilities on any of their children. But they do not love them any less as a result.

Obsessing over it to this degree though is IMO not healthy.

whatever you think about when pregnant, you love your baby no matter what. My dd was born 4 years ago and has severe cerebral palsy. It happenend at the birth and is just one of those things. I don't love her any less than my other 3. I wish she wasn't disabled for her sake. She cant walk or talk or feed herself or even sit but she is bright as a button, engaging to be around and just wonderful.
If someone had asked me in my 20's what I would do I would have been very negative. But when its your child it doesn't matter.
And even 'perfect' kids can grow up to be little shits and break your heart. Heck, some of them become junkies or whatever.
You love your children.

and the fear the OP expresses is why we need full inclusion in schools and society. Being disabled isn't being sub-human or scary or yucky or what have you. Its just another way of being human and we are all different anyway.

This is your first, isn't it Essie? I worried about whether I would love DD1, just because I didn't have the experience of loving a baby yet, and I knew that it wasn't automatic (because I know people who have fostered and there is no way that the birth parents of those children loved them. ). It was all worrying for nothing though, as of course I love DD. And I know that I will love DB2 (who will hopefully be born in October).

I do worry about DB2 and hope that she/he will be OK, I think that it's a normal part of pregnancy. The hormones do make you a bit barmy, to be honest. It's a really good idea to cut down on the googling though - that way madness lies!

Essie3
i think it is perfectly normal to worry about our unborn babies. And as stress is really bad for your baby you do need to try and not 'give in' to the urge to obsesss. Understandable but not really helpful.
I think however it might be good for you to take a moment and think about what you are saying. Saying a child with disability would to you be unlovable is not about being unpc - it is about being really really thoughtless ( and actually pretty shallow tbh).
When you have this baby how would you feel about them growing up and saying " i don't want to be friends with that child, she is loevely but she has Downs Syndrome" You would probably be pretty disappointed at her whole belief system wouldn't you ?
I think you are perhaps more worried about being able to cope and this is what you are focussing on.

Go and have a relaxing bath and try to keep your worries and fears in perspective. Much better for baby and you to concentrate upon the strong likelihood of a gorgeous child whom you will love - regardless of what life throws at you both

someone posted a piece once, it was basically like a diagnosis, saying that "your child will be normal, that means he may end up a criminal/ddrug addict/etc". I'll try to find it later (bath/bed time now).

But basically what I'm trying to say is, even if you had a perfect baby he/she could still turn out to be a drug addict/murderer/criminal of any kind/waster etc.

No, I am worried about lots of stuff but this isn't one of them

I am not answering to make you feel odd or wrong but was aware you wanted a range of responses

I do think however it is (sadly) normal to worry about almost random things and get fixated on them during pg
sorry that this is on your mind

My nuchal score with ds [due in 7 weeks] was high risk and we chose not to have a cvs or amnio. We have been having scens to check his heart though as it is possible he has heart problems hence high nuchal measurement.
I am not worried that he will be born with a disability at all, I worry that he won't make it if he has a heart problem.
I was fairly relaxed in all 3 of my other pregnancies actually, maybe too relaxed.

I was convinced Ds1 would have a disablility. I remember standing in the play area of Regents park when I was pregnant with him, thinking how unfair it was I would have a child with a severe disablity,when all the children around me seemed so healthy. He was born with no disablilty at all (apart from poor eye sight, but we didn't discover that until later)

I was convinced DD would die during or soon after birth. She's now upstairs being very LOUD.

I think it's a way for your brain to prepare you for what you think is the worst.

Worry is normal, but not to the point where it is affecting your well-being! One of my twins died at birth and the other was given a grave prognosis of severe brain damage (in fact I believe the word "vegetable" was sensitively used by the medical profession). He was in fact perfectly "normal". But in the moment he was born I couldn't have cared less what was wrong with him - of course I wanted a good outcome, but it didn't affect my love for him. Its only other people that have since continued to bang on about how "lucky" we were he was unaffected. Please don't think I'm being insensitive or belittling your worries, I'm actually trying to reassure you that we never know what's round the corner, all we can do is enjoy life for the here and now (sorry trite but true). Try and enjoy your pregnancy!

greenlawn - sorry to hear about your twin . You reminded me - we almost lost DD when she was a newborn. And then a couple of days later we had the newborn hearing test and she failed. The woman who tested her was really sensitive and told us that it didn't necessarily mean that she was deaf and that she could do another test, and was basically lovely with us. But all we could think was "she's deaf - is that all?", because we'd come so close to losing her. It really put everything in perspective. As it was, DD passed the second test and has no problems (that we know of so far). But although it was dreadful at the time, I wonder if we were actually lucky that we had that wake-up call so that we could understand in a small way what was important.

Yes - I am worried about it - but no more than I am worried something bad might happen to my daughter, who was born normal, but you never know what nasty surprises life has in store.
I genuinely believe that one would love one's child just the same no matter what (as others have said) - I understand there is sometimes a period of mourning when you feel bereaved for the "normal" child you were expecting, but then you hopefully adjust and move on. I don't really feel reassured by nuchal etc results as I understand a significant percentage are born to so-called low risk mothers anyway.

Completely agree MrsTittleMouse - normality is such a relative concept, isn't it? Glad to hear your dd is OK.

I so agree with WannaB posts. Yes he/she may be physically healthy (which is an absolute blessing) but could end up giving you a life of pain in other ways.

Please don't dwell on it. You will get what you're given, you can't control everything in life.

I think this is a normal fear - a SN child will change the shape of your life - the whole families life forever. I am 38 and DP wants another but won't try past this year as he feels the risks are too high. He works with SN adults - and their families.

there's risks in everything. Some babies are born non-disabled but become disabled through accident/meningitis etc. Some don't. Some get cancer at 5, most don't.
Life is risky and while pregnancy hormones make you worry like mad having a baby with a disability isn't the end of the universe. It might not be what you envisage but children quite often aren't what you envisage anyhow. You love them anyhow. Even stroppy teenagers playing Linken Park far too loud and saying 'whatever' when you ask them to bloody well turn it down.
Children are never what you expect
To me, having a baby with disabilities is now 'normal' and ok and part of who I am.

if society was less disablist maybe, having a baby with a disability wouldn't be seen as so tragic/end of life.
Babies are just babies and you love them.

what's disablist?

Cos I was the grand old age of 39 with my latest baby I kept getting booked in for scans and test I didnt want. No one asked me just booked me in! I cancelled them. Having a disabled child is not the worst thing in the world. Having a 'normal' child who is incredibly healthy and fit and beautiful and clever who then gets luekemia at 12 and dies at 14, IMO , IS the worst thing in the world.

That said, it is normal to worry that something will be wrong with your baby. But there is nothing you can do about it so just try and enjoy your pregnancy and best wishes.

disablist is prejudice against disabled persons. Like racist or sexist.

Thanks everyone for your comments - I really hope I haven't offended anyone, as that's not what I was trying to do. I had a bit of a wobble (been suffering from AND for most of my pregnancy, and I thought it was gone, but I turned my back for 1 minute...)
I think pagwatch has it - I'm kind of more worried about not being able to love any baby, or not loving him enough, and worried about how I'll cope. I have an unusual situation in that DH and I don't live together, and so I will be alone a lot, and I'm worried about this first baby, and don't want anything extra to be worried about (although I'm not short of things to lose sleep over!). Financially I have to go back to work, so I also worry that if the baby needs more care I will have to give up work, then lose my house etc etc.
DH has told me I'm being silly and neurotic and we'll cope no matter what. So that's a good thing!
LynetteScavo - that's it, you've described it exactly, and things worked out well for you!

You are not being silly or neurotic Essie. If any of us had a disabled child or our partners became disabled to any large degree we would have to become full time carers - as you say, that has huge costs to everyones quality of life and being aware of that is just being realistic. But the odds are your baby will be fine and loved whatever, so you shouldn't worry too much

Another opinion; I worried and stressed throughout my first pregnancy too, to the point it was totally unenjoyable. Mine wasn't fear of disability, but of stillbirth, cos I have a medical condition that makes it statistically more likely, and I became focussed on it, to the point that I wouldn't let my parents or dp enjoy the future baby either, I just said, well it'll probably be dead anyway. Not fun...
And the baby was fine. and when I got pregnant the second time I didn't worry at all really, I didn't have time. and if the worst had happened, well I guess i'd have dealt with it. and he was fine too.
So, just think, its hormones, its natural to worry, because its something you can't possibly control. But there's no point having a miserable nine months as well for mosst likely no reason.

To add to that - talk to your HCPs - mine reassured me many a time. You are maybe like me and need to consider the worst case scenario so you can be prepared, at least the positive in that is getting a nice surprise when its all fine!

And then you can look forward to your db merely being a murderer/waster etc...

To add to that - talk to your HCPs - mine reassured me many a time. You are maybe like me and need to consider the worst case scenario so you can be prepared, at least the positive in that is getting a nice surprise when its all fine!

And then you can look forward to your db merely being a murderer/waster etc...

I never post in this topic. but seeing the thread title and op I just have to
my dd was born 13 yrs ago. after a normal pregnacy. I had the normal low key tests(tripple test) and no probs.
except it all went wrong and she was born with cp.
did I love her? well yes she was my baby same as my son. it is amazing how you cope. because you have so much love.
having a disabled child is not the end. it is just a different road. A rocky road but tbh a better one.
I hope all goes well for you and I bet it does.

I never gave it a second thought during my easy and healthy pregnancy (with a very bouncy baby!), so it came as a huge shock when ds started fitting 12 hours after birth and turned out to have brain injury due to unknown cause. We were told he would probably be blind (but he is not )and is likely to have other special needs.

Feelings were very complex. When he was in ICU still fitting and they did not know what was wrong I wanted to pack my suitcase and go home pretending I had never had a child. And that is normal. At the same time you discover a lioness like quality to yourself, you are willing to protect your baby with your life, and the love is still there.

Never confuse finding it easy to cope with loving your child.

It can happen, your child can have a disability and then you have to let go of these ideas about how life was going to be. But most babies are fine and healthy and yours probably (and hopefully) will be too.

when i read posts like this, i always think of my ex-boyfriend, whom i'm still in touch with.

despite now being a brilliant surgeon, he struggles with bipolar disorder.

we were walking about in a group one day, and we passed a man who had Down's Syndrome.

one of the women in our group remarked, 'oh, that poor thing!'

and my ex said, 'i see that man almost every day. most of the time, i wish i could trade places with him, he seems so happy, but for the fact that i wouldn't wish this on anyone.'

no, i don't worry about having a baby with a disability.

because life has no guarantees, and now i've learned, there are so many things in this world far, far worse than having special needs.

Essie, i personally feel that is quite normal to worry about it. i know i do all the time, i did with dd and i am with this one too. it is BECAUSE you love your baby so much that you are scared imo- you want to protect them and make them perfect and perfectly happy.

a friend of mine told me when i was pregnant with dd " yoy
u better get used to worrying because this is just the beginning- you will worry all your life about all sorts of stuff and that's just the deal, that's what mums do". for me that was the key, not to stop worrying, but to accept the worry.

IF it happens, you'll deal with it somehow. and certainly not the way you think you will cope now.... so kind of pointless to worry about it too much now...

last weekend i was in the park and there was a mum with a disabled girl in a wheelchair, she was giving her icecream and the wave of love between those two (they were framed by a door, slightly out of the way from the crowd) almost knocked me over. i am not a very religious person but i prayed at that moment for a fraction of the strength and beauty of that mum's love for her daughter. i have such enormous respect for mums of special kids, not because i think they're heroes or anything, but because i think my own maternal love pales by comparison.

Essie it truly wont matter you will love your baby the second you set eyes on them. I was just like you, i really didnt think i could cope if somethinhg was wrong, had all the tests everything and it all came back fine. DD3 was born and was perfect (after the pregnancy from hell) until she was diagnosed with CF at 4 weeks. Total bolt from the blue, no family history, nothing. But you pick yourself up and just get on with it, its your child, they need you and you love them forever.

I just want to echo what 2shoes said. Although not really a disability my DD has cystic fibrosis which came as a complete shock to us (no family history etc., fine after birth and it was only a result of the heel prick test that alerted us to it). You cope (although at first you wonder how) and your love for that child is the same as for any "healthy" child (I have an older DS). It is a different path but you just never know what is round the corner in any aspect of life really and having children is the same- you can't predict what dice is thrown. I have met many wonderful people since DD was diagnosed and they have added much richness and joy to my life- and DD never fails to amaze me.

It is only natural to worry, even if all tests etc. have been fine- because indeed there are so many things that you can't know about during pregnancy. But like others have said worrying is very much part of being a parent and just accept that is the territory and try not to let it stress you- let alone make you doubt yourself, your decisions or affect your happiness because it doesn't have to. You are bringing a new soul into the world who will light up your life and many other lives too.

Good luck xx

tudorrose- that's weird cross posting!! and same issue! Hugs to you and your DD3 xx

Essie,I hope that you have a happy and healthy baby.It is natural to worry about such things when pg but please don't let it take over your life.Even if your worst fears were realised,having a "disabled" child IS hard,but there is still happiness too.The initial shock tears you apart,but you HAVE to cope for everyones sake.And you love them for the person that they are,not the label of a condition or disability.

My second child has special needs,and though I am now in a world I never thought I would be in I still love my baby to bits.Of course I would love for her to be able to walk and talk like other kids but reality is she doesn't.(Sometimes I do dream she is running around and calling me mummy) She is so much her own person,though and able to communicate simply with her expressions and signing,she is a really sunny child,usually smiling and laughing (she does have her terrible 2 moments,though!!)Today she was giving me LOADS of cuddles and has just learned to do a kissy sound when giving us a rather drooly sloppy kiss.Like any other 2 year old she loves the park,and ducks and icecream and sand and water and toys!!

Good luck with your baby,you will love your child,no matter what

Wrinkly xx

Spooky! Thanks MadmumNika, its always nice to hear from others in the same situation as it really helps to know its not just you. And what you said was completely true - you just never know what could be round the corner. DD3 has changed our lives in many ways, we are all different people because of her, from her grandparents down to DD2 who is only 2. And we are all the better for it. And if i think back to the terrible days just a few weeks ago when we got her diagnosis i would never have believed i could say that!

I would second what WrinklyTum says. You DO love your baby, no matter what happens. Don't confuse that with being sad or anxious about them having a disability. Of course no-one WANTS their child to be disabled. Its really hard (my DS2 has mild SN).

But please revise your thinking on this as it impacts on all of our children. Just because a child has SN does not mean they are not lovable. Its nothing to do with being PC or not. They are human beings. It is akin to saying 'oh I couldn't love a black baby' or whatever. Just not true or acceptable.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

What Shells said. Disabled children are no less loveable.
And while I undertsnad the OP has got rampaging pregnancy hormones I do worry that someone thinks they might not love a baby just cos it is disabled.

I did worry about it. In fact, statistically extreme as it is, I even gave some thought to a unisex name we could use if our baby was an hermaphrodite.

But I found MN while I was pregnant and lurked on the SN boards to see what life would be like. I gradually developed the impression that the mothers there loved their children even more fiercely than usual. I thought it was interesting that a previous poster used the word "lioness". That's exactly how those particular mothers come across to me.

So I knew I would be fine if I did have a disabled child, and I chilled out about it.

I dont think there should be full inclusion in schools. Fair enough to a degree but the LEA are not providing appropriate support for children like my daughter in mainstream and at her special schools she gets to mix with her peers. Its quite simple really

As for the OP, I am sure it is a normal worry. My first was born with a developmental disability which cant be picked up on scans, hell they cant even diagnose her now and she is 8. Shit happens to the best of us Im afraid. You cope because you have to. Weirdly I think I was pretty blase with my first and thought it would all be perfect but I wasnt so naive the 2nd and 3rd time. Nothing is guarenteed in life

Expat, that is a brilliant post. I am expecting my second and am 41 so know the odds of having a baby with SN are higher than some, but I have refused the tests for various personal reasons. And of course I do have some concerns about these issues.

However, I think of my brother who was considered brilliant as a child, very gifted academically and great things were expected of him. Unfortunately he suffers from very serious depression, is unable to hold down a job, and has attempted suicide twice, His quality of life is so much poorer than, say, the Downs sibling of a friend of mine who is a very happy person.

AS expat says, there are no guarantees in life.

I think its normal to worry but there is no point worrying about something that hasn't happened. I worried all the way through my pregnancy aswell but the best thing you can do is THINK POSITIVE, force yourself, that is all you can do

im 31 weeks in my first pregnancy, and i have complicatgions- am i worried that the baby will have a disability? yes..for her sake!!!

i worry how people will be aroudn her? treat her?

i dont tink it is possible for me to love her ne less, i have carried her, been through so much with her, all the emotions, all the current problems... ( right kidney failed, talipes) yeh i worry how she will cope in boot and bars? what her life will be like?
loving her any less-no way! she is my baby and i already lover her unconditionally.

Essie

I think it is perfectly legitimate to worry about your child having a major disability. As some one also expecting my firts child it is something I think about.(although not obsessively so).

If I had a child that required 24 hr care etc Iam not sure I would be able to love him/her. I think a part of me would resent it, as it would cause a fundamental shift im my realtionship and life.

I do get a bit annoyed on these threads when people are told they "will love their baby no matter what". Who knows? There are lots of people who give birth to non-diabled children who don't.

there is an answer to that MPD but i don't think you would like it.
the people who have posted on here(me includied) saying you can love a child with a disibilty are talking from rl expierence.

Yes, you are talking from you experenice. Yon cannot generalise for everyone else.

mpd I think you fail to understand that most, if not all of us with disabled children were once in your position and felt the same. It is not generalising to make that point, its just how things do work. As you dont have a child yet you will understand when you do.

There are however some people who do reject their children, healthy/disabled/or other.

as 2shoes says if you look on the SN board you will find lots of parents who love all their children dearly, whether they have SN or not. Yes, whether you have children with SN or not, sometimes as parents we resent our perceived limitations/responsibilities due to having children. But that isn't incompatible with loving our kids.

"If I had a child that required 24 hr care etc Iam not sure I would be able to love him/her.". Then you shouldn't have children IMO. People who feel they could not love a baby who is not perfect shouldn't be having babies at all.

You know it is perfectly normal to worry. It is perfectly natural to be afraid of the unknown. To not knkow how/or even if you would cope if you had a child with a serious disability. But considering children with disabilities are somehow less worthy of love than those without is not ok, It really isn't. And I am both and that people seem to think it's ok to make such public statements that the disabled are less worthy of love than the non disabled. and it makes me that a lot of these "unloveable" disabled people often don't even have the capasity to realize that their are ignorant people out there that consider them less worthwhile than themselves.

When I thought my DC3 was going to have problems it made me bond with him even more, love him even more, and be even more protective than I had been before.

MPD the point is that you are talking withouth any experience. None of us do until we have our children. You can't predict how you will feel about them no matter how much you think about it. I thought I would love my baby unconditionally from the moment I clapped eyes on him because that is what I had been told - I didn't, because of a traumatic birth, but I soon did and it was nothing like I thought it would be.

I think it is perfectly normal to hope that your child will be 100% perfect (and gifted, and beautiful and charming and all the other things people are competitive over), but it is not normal to think that a child is not worthy of your love if it isn't.

Please just enjoy your pregnancy! There is absolutely no point worrying about something that is so unlikely to happen. The great majority of people have children without problems.
Some of us are part of that tiny percentage of people that have children with special needs, but that is life. It is a journey of learning, everything that life throws at you makes you a stronger person.
I am sure you'll be fine.
Just a word of advice:
If your child is overdue and the doctors tell you it is best to go for a cesarian, forget all the hippy dippy nonsense about waiting till God knows how many weeks, natural birth is best, bla,bla bla and just do it.
<a little tired today, sorry!>

Just wanted to say MPD babies require 24 hour care, all of them, either by you or by another appointed adult\carer.

Yes, hatrick I am aware of that, but babies do not require 24/7 care for the rest of their lives.

A child with a severe disability will require such care for the rest of their lives. I am being honest. I don't know if I could cope with that.

you can have a healthy baby. who becomes a healthy child.

then illness or accidents strike.

and you're left with that same child, who is disabled.

what then?

don't love them anymore?

if you think that, just remember, it could just as easily have been you.

It's kind of like getting married but thinking beforehand, well I'll marry you provided you stay like you are now and don't get a serious illness/dementia etc, because I wouldn't be able to cope with that.

A good analogy, PL!

I remember seeing a news show about Alzheimer's.

This one woman came on with her husband, who had Alzheimer's. They were filmed going about their day. And it was SO hard.

Then she showed some photos of him, he'd been a fighter pilot in the Air Force and then a commercial airline pilot. And she talked about how he'd started falling ill just a few months after his retirement, so he'd never been able to enjoy it.

And the journalist asked her, 'How do you do it?'

And all she said was, 'When I said, 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health', I meant it.'

so if you couldn't love a baby with a disability what then? give it up for adoption and write a book ala julia hollander? .

I still think that the two things are separate. When you are pregnant with your first, you worry about whether you will love your child. When you are pregnant you worry about the health of your child. And both are normal. It's just that the pregnancy hormones make you a bit doolally and in some people's minds the two become linked.

Like I said in my earlier post, I worried about whether I would love DD no matter who she was or what had happened to her. I just worried whether I was capable of loving a child. Maybe people who are really maternal and have always really wanted children don't have that concern, but I did.

I did say to myself I wasn't going to post again on this topic but I feel I have to.

MPD - we're on the same wavelength, I think, and I'm finding the negative attacks/judgements a bit unfair and rather hard to deal with.
Speaking for myself, I have no children, have never given birth, and although I am told that I will love my baby no matter what, it's impossible to believe/know that - I hope and pray it will happen, but I have no experience of anything like this and so it's a big leap in the dark. A true matter of faith. This is true of my whole pregnancy, and what with hormones, mind altering depression etc, I am often drowning not waving. I have doubts - I had doubts when I posted, and was looking for reassurance.
I was rather naive perhaps, and posting on mumsnet does not leave me safe from judgemental or downright mean responses. Luckily, the positive support outweighs any of that.
I am the first to admit that I am a selfish person - I have no children (yet), nobody is dependent on me, I have no experience of being an all-giving earth mother type. Like MPD I'm aware that babies need a lot of care - but I haven't done it, so it's all foreign and a mystery, and will remain so until I'm int he middle of things. I am successful in my career and work hard; but with pregnancy, the fear is that I could work as hard as I like and things could still go badly wrong. That fear is very hard to deal with, and that's exactly why I need the reassurance from people who have been there, and gone before me - and I need to be told that the anxiety is normal. I do not need to be told that I shouldn't have children if I only want a 'perfect' child, because I struggle to believe that anyone would set out actually hoping for a child with major (or minor) problems. We all want healthy babies.

So, today, I'm not tired or panicky, and think I could probably cope with most things. When I posted originally, I was feeling low, lonely and scared. No more navel gazing, I promise! Thanks to all of you who made supportive comments - that's why I'm on mumsnet!

I'm not an all-giving Earth mother type.

I've had very severe PND once, PND another time and this is my second time round with ante-natal depression.

I have a child with SN, albeit rather mild ones.

I made a commitment to her when I got pregnant.

That, even if I didn't love her, it is my duty and my job to protect her and do the best I can by her.

Otherwise, I have no business having kids, to be quite frank.

That's part of life, part of adulthood.

It doesn't always go how you want or plan.

This is an open forum.

People have differing opinions and sorry, but they won't always be what you want to hear.

Essie - you don't have to become an Earth-mother all-giving type after you have the baby either. In fact, I think that that can be a bit unhealthy and lead to the martyr style of parenting where the parents come so far down the list that the relationship takes a huge battering. You just have to love your child and take care of them. It isn't always easy, but it does come surprisingly naturally.

Some great posts here - have nothing to add other than good luck! Being a mum is the most amazing experience from day one and they all have different needs. Some are clearly more challenging than others but your baby will be yours and yours alone (well, dads think they had something to do with it but.... )!

Enjoy every moment of your baby - they grow up sooooo fast!
bb xx

i can't see where people have been mean.
a thread is strted saying.."Is anyone else worried about their baby being born with a disability?"
did you expect all rose tinted advice.
as it has been said this is an open forum. if you post you won't always get yes men answering.
my dd is off with a cold today. and I am am having a lovely day full of smiles.
so reading a thread where people seem to think people like her are less worthy of love. makes me very me saying that is not mean. it is a fact.

"I struggle to believe that anyone would set out actually hoping for a child with major (or minor) problems. We all want healthy babies.". Of course we do. No-one has disputed that. What people have quite rightly taken issue with is the fact that it seems to be totally acceptable to consider a baby with disabilities to be not loveable. And this is an attitude which is rife in our society. 92% of pregnancies where downs is detected in utero are terminated. It just goes to reiterate that the disabled are considered less worthwhile members of society. Not only that, but that people who think that shouldn't be judged.

it is apparently perfectly ok to come on to a public website and declare, in front of people whose children have disabilities, that babies with disabilities are not loveable in the same way as babies without. Would you sit in a cafe across from a parent with a disabled child and say the same?

2shoes - I can see exactly where you are coming from and understand your reaction - clearly explained.

I think the OP may have been referring to another poster who IMO was trying to fuel an argument - posting the same thing twice over a period of time when noone responded to her the first time. I also thought that those particular posts were uncalled for.

I found that I just had to accept that yes, there is a chance that my baby might have a disability. It IS hard to accept when we're so used to a consumer culture in which we get 'guarantees' for everything, or can take something back, or swap it for a better model. Antenatal testing further adds to the idea that we can control the outcomes of our pregnancies, but the truth is, we really can't.
I did worry about it, even during labour , but when DS was put on my tummy, I honestly did not care if he was 'normal' or not. I truly, truly didn't care.

belgianbun thanks. i was offended by the "mean" word. as I am always very careful as to what I say on threads like this as I know I could give expectant mums nightmares.

I assume you are referring to me.

I make no apology for thinking that if you are not prepared for any eventuality then you shouldn't have children. I am entitled to that opinion in the same way others seem to be entitled to the opinion that a baby with disabilities isn't loveable.

If that makes me mean then so be it. But it's no more mean than statements such as that children with disabilities are not worthy of love.

I posted the truth, that I am not worried about ds being born with a disability [despite being high risk] just that he will have a heart condition and not make it- that is my big fear. I did not judge and was not mean but my post was not even acknowledged by the op so i think was not what the op wanted to hear maybe.
I think what the op wants is just some reassurance that it will not happen and ways to relax- am I right op?

wannaBe you haven't said anything mean.

Understandable that mums with dcs who have disabilities could be offended by this thread - also understandable that anyone who is pg may have this as a concern.

I get the impression that the OP posted with a genuine worry which, as is obvious from this thread, is something that lots of pg mums worry about.

While pg I saw a young lad with a huge port wine birthmark on his face and I worried dd may have one . Totally irrational and very much about how life would be for her rather than for me iyswim. I still get overwhelmed by the strength of my love for her now and my eyes well up sometimes when I watch her sleeping - she is 2.5! But have been a total wuss with emotional crying since pg!! Wouldn't have been any different if she was disabled or had a facial birthmark!

It is natural to worry to some degree/extent.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I love my ds2. I loved him from the moment I knew I was carrying him, that didn't change when at 9 months old he was diagnosed with a significant heart defect (he was born with congeintal heart disease). I absolutely adore him, the sun may as well shine out his backside. He is nearly 4 now and the life and soul of any party

On the flip side, I have a friend and neighbour who's DD was born perfectly healthy. At 18 months her mother found a lump at the top of her leg. It turned out to be cancer. Thankfully it went into remission fairly quickly and she is a healthy, beautiful nearly 7 year old.

Unfortunately, there are no guarentee's in life. Deciding to bring a child into the world is a big & scarey decision and having a child who may not be your idea of "perfect" (there is NO such thing) is a risk that you take ultimately. I too have been told I am low risk for Down's, but naturally, I can't help but worry about my baby's health, not about whether or not I wil love him/her, it's too late for that, I am already head over heels!

i am also head over heels in love with dc#4. i know nothing about him or her yet. over the next 27weeks we will be subjected to scans every 4 weeks and be sent to london for detailed cardiac scans. i will eanr more about any possible efect during these scans. these are being done due to dh previous heart condition and dd1 leaky heart valve. i know the odds are good. i come from a family with a long history of disorders ranging from ADHD, dyslexia, speech delays, language delays etc plus my neice and nephew have cerebal palsy. I have learnt enough in life that disabled doesnt me unlovable at all. I dont worry too much about disabilities but want to be prepared regarding heart problems as it almost killed my dh last year. As long as i have those facts i#'m fine. Anything else i can deal with. As i said to my midwife at the booking in appointment as i declined serem screening 'after last summer down syndrome and other disorders are way down on my list of worries'

since when is sharing what you believe to be true when you were asked for your opinions 'mean'?

here, here, misdee!

I may have missed it but nowhere in MPD or Essie posts have they claimed that children with disabilites are unloveable, all they have claimed is they are not sure they would be able to love them. I think it is incredible open and honest to be able to admit something like this.

NineDragons...'I did worry about it. In fact, statistically extreme as it is, I even gave some thought to a unisex name we could use if our baby was an hermaphrodite.'

Yay, I'm not alone!

Come to think of it, mine all have unisex shortenings... maybe I'm still not convinced which they are?

To the OP:
Good luck! None of us know quite what we're in for, but most of us cope. And some days we loathe the ungrateful little beasts, however much we love them. That goes for my 'disabled' one and the 'normal' pair, btw.

Essie: just wanted to add that sometimes the medical tests offered can actually foster those worries and lead to a great deal of agonising at a vulnerable time for most women. There is (IMO) an undue focus on the most "common" conditions and getting a "good result", whereas it is clear from many of these posts that lots and lots of conditions are not going to be picked up ante-natally, or (as many have pointed out) situations can arise at birth or after. I think most people were genuinely trying to reassure you that love comes naturally, no matter what. Your life might not turn out the way you planned it, but it will go on.

Sadly, it IS true that for many a baby with a disability is not worthy of the same amount of love and care as one without. When my little boy died I was repeatedly told that (1) there had probably been something wrong with him, and (2) it probably therefore was a "good thing" that he was no longer with us. A pm report came back to say that he was perfectly healthy. Did it make it any sadder that we had lost him? Not to us, but clearly to many people we knew this was relevant. And with his brother I remember praying for him to live and saying I couldn't have cared less what might be wrong - if he could only live we could cope with anything. Any doubts or worries I might have had before had gone - real life took over.

Please understand that for many people on this thread they have been through similar or worse experiences of seeing their children hurt or rejected and its not surprising that they are hurt on their behalf.

That's all, hope you are feeling OK and do please continue to post.

Libra, but they are saying that disabled babies are unloveable, because they are saying if they had a baby with a disability they would not be able to love them. If that baby's parents cannot love them, who can?

92% of pregnancies where downs is detected are terminated. that means that only 8% of parents who find out they're expecting a baby with downs feel that that baby's life is worthwhile. That says a lot about society's attitude to disability IMO. .

I worried so much in my first pregnancy that something would go wrong. I was 16 and thought i would be punished for being pregnant at such a young age and thought that something would be wrong with my baby, I cried myself to sleep most evenings. I had prepared myself that my child would be born with an abnormality and that i wouldn't cope be able to cope. Of course this was all in my head and i was making myself sick with worry. At my scan it was confirmed that my baby had a swollen kidney and possibly a blockage. When my ds ws born weighing 9lbs and whipped away to be checked over I blamed myself. I blamed myself for worrying too much, i gathered that i shouldn't have been worrying at all but concentrating on my pregnancy. When ds was diagnosed with renal pelvis dilation, I was so releived that it wasn't anything major but it also had me thinking that no matter what my baby had i would have loved him just the same.

Wannabe - no they are really not saying disabled babies are unloveable. They have been quite clear that THEY are not sure if THEY can love a disabled child. They haven't even said they wouldn't be able to love them they have just admitted they don't know if they will and how they will cope. If anything they are admitting a personality defect within themselves.

If anything this thread has proved that children with disabilites are loveable because of the parents on here with childen with SN proclaiming how much they do love them and trying to explain this to the posters.

Well said Libra - a little unfair that a worried mum should have all the prejudices of our warped society thrown at her.

I worried so much whilst expecting ds1 - I was convinced he would be born with no arms/legs or head.

Imo every mother worries about the wellbeing of her unborn child. As a mother you just want the best for your baby and for them to have a life without any major difficulty/upset. This is of course for teh most part, out of your hands. You do what you can as a parent.

Seems really odd that anyone should need it proving to them that children with disabilities are lovable I would hate to think that is what this thread is about. Children are children.

I think its normal for a first time mum to worry that they can't love a baby cos none of us have ecxperience of babies and I think most of us wondered what it would be like.
I feel a bit when someone is pretty sure they could love a 'perfect' one but not a disabled one.
Society has warped how we see people. Different = possibly not loveable.

Sorry prove was maybe the wrong choice of word but I don't believe the OP or MPD have stated or believe that children with disabilites are unloveable which is what wannabe is accusing them of.

Hi Essie

I think it is perfectly normal to worry when you are pregnant about all sorts of things. Wishing you the best on your pregnancy anyway.

Essie - when I was pg I worried - constantly, beyond about 25 weeks - that my baby was bored and lonely while in the womb.
What planet was I on, you might ask - and the answer is 'planet worry'.

Actually, a very small minority of parents do seem to be unable to take on parentiing a disabled child, as mentioned by Wannabe - Julia Holland, for e.g - and it also seems true that many people ho do NOT have disabled children think 'oh, i wouldn't be able to cope and that will affect my ability tolove', but the many many discussions I see on the SN board confirm that people find that they can actually cope (and how empowering to discover that you can actually do something you had doubts about), that even at times they feel they can't cope or would rather not have to cope, they love their children unconditionally and that the coping or otherwise does not affect that, and never would have done.

Mothers driven mad by lack of sleep, shrieking 'shut up' still actually love their babies unconditionally. The frazzled mother of 3 gritting her teeth to remain patient with her toddler still loves her unconditionally.

Anyway - there is very little you can do about any of this - it's part of the great lottery we enter when we decide to have a child. But worry we must, So, worry about something else which is totally pointless to worry about....like whether your baby is bored or lonely in your womb!

Thank you Libra. I have not stated anywhere that I beleive children with diasbilities are unloveable.

I was stating that I do not know if I could cope if I had a child who required 24/7 care i.e. severly disabled. By severely disabled I mean a brain damaged child, with no chace of indenpendant living. I worry about the strain that would put on my realtionship as we struggled to cope and also adjust to the involement of outside agencies in our life. I don't know if I could adjust to being a full time carer that I feel I may resent being that child's carer for the rest of my life.

It would repersent a fundamental change in my life (I know having a baby does that anyhow). I am not some cold hearted person that expects everything in life to be perfect. But I am honest with myself (and probably quite selfish).

Wannabe - As in far that anyone has a right to have a child, I have as much "right" as the next person. For the record I wouldn't have been part of that 92% that choose to teremiante if my child had been diagnosed with Down's.

"If anything this thread has proved that children with disabilites are loveable because of the parents on here with childen with SN proclaiming how much they do love them and trying to explain this to the posters. "

prove.....ffs