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I'm with you on that, madamez (it's no one's business but mine).
I'm dieting at the moment and it is commented on endlessly by those around me, making me conscious of the perception that regardless of any other achievement, my weight/appearance is the most significant/noticable thing about me. I usually say, 'thank you,' but I'm going to start saying something like, 'it's amazing that you could bear to be seen with me when I was a fat whale.'
Many stupid people still have a phobia about fat and come out with remarks like these because, deep down, they can't quite accept that fat people are human. I consider myself an average size (somewhere around the 14-16 mark depending on the brand and cut of the clothes), I've been bigger, I've been smaller, but I realy really don't think it's anyone's business but mine. And I do have a slight habit of using nasty conversation stoppers when people say unthinking things about weight - 'You've lost a lot of weight' 'Yes I've been very ill.' (not true, by the way, just an example of silliness).
See, the thing is that if someone genuinely wants to pay you a compliment then they pay you a compliment; they do not qualify it. If they want to tell you that you are a lovely person, that's what they say.
Adding the bit about being fat tends to suggest that they are surprised at your loveliness because they don't expect it to go hand-in-hand with fatness.
Genuine compliments don't leave you feeling vaguely uncomfortable like this does.
To explain, we had spoken some ten minutes earlier about smoking, she said she can't give it up, people don't understand. I said I gave it up like click that BUT I can't diet....
So, I had acknowledged being overweight but it was brought up during a different conversation.
Thats it exactly foxinsocks. It's as though they have to dr5aw attention to the fact tat even though we're fat, we should feel grateful that they still like us.
And NotaBanana - that is true, but unless a person is very, very thin, people rarely draw attention to it and thin people are accepted into groups, etc much more easily than fat people as they are seen as the 'norm'.
It's a foul comment. My mum is master of the backhanded compliment, so I"m familiar with the genre:
"Oh, your hair looks so much better now you've let it grow a bit, it looked really butch short."
"Oh, you look so much better now you've lost a bit of weight"; "It's such a shame you got pregnant just now, you looked so lovely after you lost all that weight" (I'm 6 ft and a size 14 for the record).
Etc etc.
I have tried to pull her up on it, but she just gets narky and says, "why are you getting all scratchy, I'm just trying to pay you a compliment." Er no, you're not. But they'll never get it, don't waste your breath.
Though you could try the line, "Well, there comes a time when every woman has to chose between her face and her arse." Or, "Well, if you want the tits, you've got to pay the arse tax."
oh ok, so you are saying they mean you can't be fat and lovely. I just don't think people mean that when they say it but I can see why if you thought that you'd be offended.
Thing is, when you are fat, people do see that pretty immediately don't they. I was almost 30kg overweight after ds2 and I looked like a huge heifer. I'm sure it was one of the first things people saw/thought about me and I certainly felt fat and thought I was fat and I would have been pleased if someone had said that to me!
but they're not trying to be nice - they are saying "You are fat, but if I ignore that by concentrating on some other aspect, I can just about manage to like you and pretend that you area a 'normal' person" It's not easy to understand unless you'e on the receiving end
Ive always been a skinny cow up and didnt really fill out till my mid thirties. I found that people used to say to me 'oh god have you lost weight, you dont look well'. Thats nice to hear. It never crossed my mind to comment on someones weight, how rude.
Do you say to people 'have you lost weight, you look great'. Does this imply they were a great big munter before? Why not say, 'you look nice today' or just shut up?
I personally dont want anyone to comment on how I look unless its to tell me I look fabulous! BouncingTurt - my mum being ashamed of herself - hilarious!!!!!!!!!! Its her fault I have a clothes, makeup, shoe fixation!
if I heard that comment, about someone who has self confessed that they are fat, I'd think someone was trying to be nice, maybe not in exactly the right words but still trying to be nice.
they are saying 'I know you think you are fat but I don't think about you that way'
foxinsocks - it is that bad, especially when you hear things like that troughout your life. Would you turn round to someone and say "I look at you and I don't see a blonde person, I see someone who is intelligent" or "It's a shame you're so old, you're such a lovely person" etc
To add to the lovely things mums/families say. My mum used to say to me 'you will never be pretty but you will always be interesting'. Just what you want to hear when you are 12. She used to trot it out regularly, I think she thought it was a really clever comment. Thanks mum.
Just out of interest, did they just come out with it or where you talking about weight at the time?
Blimey. The only way I can see that comment being defensible is if you had prefaced it with moaning about being fat. But just to say it out of the blue - yikes! I'd thump 'em.
QOD I imagine you look at these people and think "I look at you and see a twat."
Patronising, condescending, hurtful, moronic......I could go on, it's a ridiculous phrase. I suppose it can depend on the context, but if t'were apropos of nowt then it's verbal wankerdom.
And yes, it does mean they see you as a fat person, which is the worst possible thing in their world, therefore it must be dreadful for you, you poor blighted bunshoveling greedy fecker you.
There is a small chance I am reading too much into this.....
However, switch 'fat' for the physical feature of your choice, and you will see it for the jellyfish remark it is.
"I look at you and I don't see someone with big sticky out ears and a nose you could ski on, I see a lovely.....OUCH ! Why are you hitting me! Gaaaaaah!"
oh my word! It's just that you wouldn't say to someone "shame your hair is so thin............. but you're so nice" "awww that acne looks horrendous, but you're lovely inside"
but the fat bit gets said!
Yer, I am fat I guess it kind of pinched a nerve as someone else said to me the other day "I think it's great you are so confident in yourself, I am too unconfident to be overweight. I feel so self conscious and you stride about smiling" or words to that effect.
And I thought...... why can't I say "oh and I like you SO much even though you look like mutton dressed as lamb with your thin over brown face & blonde hair out of a bottle and I can't beleive you are only 2 yrs older than me"
LOL
MEOW see I think the thoughts, but they stay inside.......
depends on the context i guess. just saying it out of the blue is a bit odd definitely. however if you said to me ' i feel so fat, all anyone sees is a fat person when they look at me' i might reply 'i dont see a fat person, i see a lovely person' and i honestly cant see that as insulting...
joash my lot were all arguing over who got to stand at me at the wedding last weekend for the photos as they've all been loosing weight for it and by standing next to me they'll look like they'd lost even more
I am 7 months pregnant but thats not the point, my aunts told me not to buy anything tight as my back was fat as well as my big bump
The majority of people who make these statements are totally thoughtless, cruel and unthinking and honestly believe that they can hide their ignorance and stupidity behind a comment which is actually designed to make them look 'nice', when in reality they cannot see past another persons size.
Almost as bad as "oh it's such a shame you're fat, you have a lovely face."
I think this sounds like a classic case of foot in mouth. The person was trying to be kind but instead has been very hurtful. I remember a very short-lived relationship with a bloke who once said 'you're beautiful in your own way' TWAT.
depends what context it was said in imo. if you were having a conversation which revolved around your weight and you made reference to the fact you thought you were overweight/fat and they said it, then surely it just means that although that might be the case, your weight is not the first thing they see when they look at you.
My mother told me at the weekend that I am obese. (I am a size 12) now that was out of order imo.
it means that they think you are fat. which I suppose is either true or not. is it true? If so, then what are you worried about? They are telling you that you are lovely. If it isn't true, then I can see you'd be pissed off.
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