Mumsnet members get a 10% discount from Boden (including free returns and free delivery), The White Company, sweaty Betty, Luxury Family Hotels, JoJo Maman Bebe, Siblu, Blooming Marvellous, GLTC, Bump to 3 (the official online shop for Grobags) and more. Click here for more info Join mumsnet here.
My DH just confessed to me that he spoke to my friend a few MONTHS ago and said he would like to take me away overnight on my b-day and asked for suggestions.
It just so happens that her little boy shares my b-day and he is 4 today...
So she went ahead and booked his party for today and when she told us my DH was like well ok it will probably be over about 2 or so, and that way we can still drive somewhere or atleast do dinner....but no!!! She made it for 4:30-7:30!!! Also, she knows my DD goes to bed at 7(not that she should plan it all around us)...so we would have to rush home and well...wouldn't be fun dealing with screaming DD.
I can't tell her I am not coming cause she is my friend and I wouldn't do that to her little boy.
So my DH canceled our plans and now I am just kinda peeved and he is upset cause he has nothing to give me so he feels bad.
I hope it doesn't sound as if I am being selfish and yes a 4 year old b-day is more important than mine (as it is really just another day) but still...I think maybe she could have been considerate...especially since my DH told her months ago.
Am I being a selfish cow?? OR can I be slightly mad at her??
I opened this expecting to say YABU but... YANBU but is there a chance she forgot? Can you go at 4.30 and leave at 6, still giving you time to go away?
Maybe that was the only time she could do the party, and she just assumed that you might not come? Can't you just get together another time and give her DS his present then?
Thanks :-) Not really no cause DH was like well we wouldn't get there till like 8 or so and then leave tomorrow morning...he really wanted to make a day of it and get our monies worth out of the room lol (men) Also...our 2 babysitters are her sisters...and they will be at the party too (obviously) so were kinda just stuck.
I really don't mind having my b-day another day...as that was the plan anyway cause I knew about today's party.
I am just peeved cause what I DIDN'T know was that my DH talked to her and had to cancel his plans (told me today when I was expecting something and he had to tell me he had nothing)
So yeah...thank you for thinking I am not crazy :-)
Have a lovely family time today at a party you aren't having to host (your dc doesn't have to stay until the bitter end) and go out for a fab lunch tomorrow.
I have to say that I would be a bit miffed, but I would also know that I was being unreasonable
Having just finished the party season with my dses (birthday parties within a week of each other) I know that I had very little choice in the dates/times with the venue of preference. It was a right pain in the neck, a fair bit of stress, and I spent most of the time during ds2's party apologising to other parents that it was held on a weekday (the only day/time I could get unless I booked three years before he was conceived from what I can tell). I think I would have decked anyone who complained about clashes
That said, if it's being held at her home then she is really going to regret those timings! You'll be able to take home your dd a bit early if she's getting whiny and not enjoying herself - your friend will be stuck with it. I suspect you may get some karmic repayment
I guess that is what I am trying to say...yes I am an adult and I do not give a toss that I will have to wait to do something with my DH another day...
What I am upset about is that my DH talked to her the day she booked the party and said he had booked our room and was all excited for her to then book the party when she knew...
I don't care about myself but I don't like seeing my DH all upset cause he had to cancel the bookings and have nothing to give me. I don't want him feeling like crap.
And I am not the type of person to tell her oh well we have bookings to we are not coming. I am happy he canceled cause her little boy and my DD are close and I don't want to miss his day.
Can anyone see where I am coming from and not be like 'fgs be an adult?' like I am a child? (which thank you by the way for pointing that out icod)
Like really, who are you trying to please here? Your friend? Well she is not too concerned obviously, the 4 yr old? Like he is going to care FFS get into the car and go and enjoy your birthday.
Well tbh, she can't help the fact she had her ds on your Birthday lol.
Yes I do think you're being unreasonable, sorry. Her little boy is turning 4, she's excited and wants to throw him a lovely, big party. Your dh told her you would be away, just because you're not there doesn't mean she was going to cancel. So she's gone ahead and planned it and now you're upset?
My DH did make a cute little book of where we were going and what we were doing. He just really wanted to pop me in the car with a 'whats going on' attitude and suprise me. But since he already booked it he couldnt cancel cause of deposit so he changed dates, which whatever as far as I am concerned...he is just upset cause it was not the way he wanted it to be and it is not a tangable gift as the moment.
And I know I wouldn't expect her to go all around us no...I probably wouldn't do it for anyone else to be honest, BUT if I was in on someones big b-day suprise...I would not ruin it, I would figure something else out. I guess that is just me.
You were right in your OP - you're being a Selfish cow. I can't see why it would make a difference if you just got on with your plans and couln't make it to the party. You are supposed to be an adult and I doubt very much if her DS would strop if you weren't there and he's 4.
It's a child's birthday party - you had plans, the mother of the child knew you had plans and nobody sane would expect you to cancel them in favour of a 4yo. Surely? She ought to have made the party earlier.
See she is my best friend...and I know it would really upset her if we didn't come, so I don't want to upset her. I know her DS could probably give a crap as long as he got his gift But I couldn't hurt my friend...and because I feel that way about her, I thought she would about me too...
Just to answer some questions:
My DH called her about a month ago to tell her he booked and where blah blah...and she was like oh wow cool great...and then she called me the next day and said she just got off the phone and booked the party...I was in the dark and was like ok cool will write it down...whatever.
Just today when I found out that she kidna went behind my DH's back that just kinda made me go...huh?
Um I would imagine that she wasn't being underhand but straight ie I don't think that she would be devastated if you couldn't make it because of a previous plan for your own birthday. Perhaps you think she would be more upset than she would be iyswim
If your birthday thing was supposed to be a surprise for you then she would have had to have invited you to the party wouldn't she - to keep the surprise going. If she didn't invite you and you found out about it you would be wondering why you weren't invited and then might have either been miffed or guessed your husband had something else planned that day and she knew about it.
Yes you are being unreasonable. Could you have found another babysitter? If so I would have just gone away then arranged something else for you and her to celebrate her son's party together on a different day.
Honstly, it is ds's birthday party today. It is last because I've had little time to organse thing just recently. I don't know if dh will be well enough to go, because he is dying of cancer and is rather poorly.
I know that I can manage the party, but I am rather scared of leaving dh alone, and all the mates that I would call on are away.
Not being funny, but this is something to be upset about.
I'm upset because dh may well miss his sons part and will, in all probabilty be dead by next years part.
You are being faintly insane to be upset about this. This is nothing.
Martian: I am so sorry to hear that, and you are right there are other things to worry about and be upset about. Happy Birthday to your DS and I hope it is a good one for you and your family.
I am not sitting here trying to say that this is a huge issue and all I have to worry about. We all have bigger problems lets face it.
I just wanted to get it off my chest and see what people thought and I got that. Maybe I should have just gone away anyway...maybe I should have a whatever attitude and be peachy with my friend...all I know is I cannot help feeling the way I do even if it is unreasonable (which now I know it is)
Bless my ds's sweet heart, his birthday was ages ago, over a month. But he is a sweet natured wee soul and understands that his fainly manic mummy has been a little distracted. (we had a tea part of the family on his actual birthday, so I wasn't too dreadful.)
Do my 8 year old son can understand that sometimes he doesn't get his birthday stuff on his actual birthday, but an adult can't? Really!
And I'll take the manly punch on the arm.
We are fine and we are coping, but this thread is just getting under my rather bruised skin. Seriously, count your blessings and act your age, god willing, you'll have other birthdays. Not all of us are that lucky!
DD is going as a hippy. I didn't want to spend a lot on something she would wear once so I tie dyed a shirt for her and got her some bell bottoms and a scarf for her head.
My DH is going as superman...don't ask.
And I am going as a fairy cause my friend found the wings and stuff and wanted all her sisters, herself, and me to be faries. So thats what I am going as.
When her DS asked what I was going as I said a mother. He asked what my costume was and I said this was it. He asked about a mask and I said I was wearing one
Why should her child not have the party on his birthdate and at the time that better suits them? I can't understand either why you cancelled the plans, was she babysitting? to be honest I can't see a 4 year old feeling bad about an adult not showing to his party, unless you are their parents or any extremely close family.
I just think that some general persepctive is helpful sometimes. Your son is 4, he isn't going to mind one little bit. Why make life harder for yourself than it is? and being an hour late with bed time on the weekend isn't going to be a big issue, unless you really wnt it to be.
She is the one who knowingly took a chance whether you'd be free to attend or not, so it probably matters rather less to her than you. Had I been your dh I would n't have cancelled the booking or he could have rearranged it sooner without you knowing along the lines of "I'm planning this but knew you wouldn't want to clash so booked x date instead". tbh neither of them seem to have your consideration of feelings on the same level of priority as you do theirs.
Martian: I am glad that I have not upset you. And thank you for your good b-day wishes. I will be thinking of you and your DS all day, wishing all the best.
I just feel like this whole thing is coming off all wrong, you know?
One of the good things that has come out of dh's illness is that I have finaly, at the grand old age of 45, learned life's most impostant rule for happiness, don't fret about the small things. It isn't worth it.
Ah .. you haven't planned a children's party yet - that explains a lot All will become clear in the next 3 years, I promise!
If you want to cheer up your friend about the lack of guests, you could always tell her about my ds1's 4th birthday where there was an outbreak of chickenpox the few days before. Only a tiny fraction of the guests weren't ill and were able to attend.
Has to be the most expensive per head party I have ever organised. Still had lots of fun now, and I can laugh about it now 3 years have passed
I know a couple who planned a hugely expensive, elaborate birthday party for their son's 4th birthday and HE refused to come! Had an epic tantrum at home, so all the guests had a lovely time without the birthday boy. Anything can go wrong with four year olds.
The exact same thing happened to me, except I just told my friend that I couldn't come to her dd's party and I went off to celebrate my birthday with my husband.
I think:
YABU for being mad BECAUSE
Your friend was not being unreasonable for planning her ds' party on your birthday. HOWEVER
Your friend would be unreasonable if she was angry at you for missing her son's party in order to go away with your husband. THEREFORE
You would not be unreasonable if you declined the party invite and had a night away with your husband.
Bottom line is -- he's four -- I don't think he's going to care or even notice whether his mother's friend is at his party.
tbh I would be mad at my DH for cancelling his plans to take me away for a romantic night away so I could go to the party of the 4 year old son of a friend.
Also it's your friends DSs birthday so she can have his party today if she so chooses.
I wouldn't expect my friends to come to my DSs party, unless they were bringing their own DCs, but if they had something else arranged it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I would have still gone away for the night and arranged for the relative my DC was staying with to take them to the birthday party instead (as they are her sisters you say, then where is the problem??
so, I think YABU to be mad at your friend, but you wouldn't be unreasonable to be mad at you DH for cancelling your night away (and then to tell you about it; and surely he has had lots of time to get you something else, I'm sure he just didn't hear about the change of plan today)
I still dont get how come dh couldnt buy you a gift in lieu of the fact that he cancelled your birthday trip Its not like he didnt know he would have to cancel in advance of today or have I missed something??
I wouldn't give up my plans for a friends 4 year olds birthday party. My best friend has never expected me to come to her childrens parties and I have never expected her to come to my childrens Parties.
If you were going away you should still have gone imo. You could have declined the invite because you are going away for the weekend, family life should surely be the priority over childrens birthday parties!!!!!
A 4 year old is not going to care or notice that you are not there to be honest.
Tbh, i just wouldn't go - can't your child go with a friend or grandparents and you and dp can go out? or can you get a babysitting so that you and dp and go out after the party? You and your family could go out for the day until say 4ish and then again in the evening if you didn't want to miss the party. Happy birthday!
My friend organised her DD's party to clash with our DD1's birthday. So we didn't go to the party. No-one was upset and both children had lovely birthdays. Four year olds do not have hang-ups about who is at their party, as long as there is plenty of cake, IME.
Wel I don;t think you are being unreasonable at all - she doesn;t sound like a great friend to me.
One day your DH phones her to tell her about his plans to take you away for your birthday and then the next days she calls to let you know that she's booked her 4 year olds part to end at 7.30pm the night you are supposed to be going away. Great friend!
Not sayin that she shouldn;t have had her sons party ob that day but that late is ridiculous and I would question her motives.
But thats me and I'm sure everyone else will disagree with me!
I'd be more pissed off with your husband than with her. Sounds like he had plenty of time to think of something else, even just a small something to give you on the day, but instead he just cancelled and then waited until today to tell you which is daft.
YANBU - it's an irritating thing to happen. Comments like "you are the adult" (relevancy check?)is patronising and missing the point as it isn't the 4yo you have the problem with - it's ANOTHER adult ie your friend!!!!
If I was your DH I would feel quite hurt having gone to so much trouble for his weekend plans to be scuppered.
Your friend should have understood you couldn't make the party, as she knew about the plans in advance - surely she would have been surprised if you could make it? - and would have been pleased for you as a good friend should be. The 4yo prob wouldn't have noticed beyond 5 mins and you could have made a special visit to see them when you returned.
Could understand this more if the children were close friends but I have just realised that the OP's DD is a baby so 4yo probably not bothered about having her there TBH. Do agree that the timing is crazy. Am slightly smirking at the idea of making all the adults dress up - that would have been me straight into the car and off to the hotel - makes friend sound slightly precious IMO.
I would wonder why she would book a party on the exact same day that she knows your dh is taking you away, and books it to end at 7.30 which makes sure that it's too late to go away anywhere.
And no wonder no one is coming, assuming she's invited all his 4 year old friends it's way too late. Usually, you would plan a party so the food comes out at around lunch time or dinner time (or is that just me?).
What's her relationship like, could she be jealous of your dh taking you away?
And when did your dh find out about this party and that he couldn't take you away? Was there enough time to get you a little something?
But then on the other hand, it is her ds's birthday and it's on a saturday. Most children would love to have their party on their actual birthday, and I know if one of my dc's birthday fell on a saturday I would book a party for that day and not care that it was my best friends birthday too!
FFS get into the car and go and enjoy your birthday. 
I hope you all manage to have a nice day x 
