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My parents are fairly comfortably off, especially now that my dad has retired (mum is SAHM) and they have few outgoings, and have always been extremely generous with money.
A few years ago now, I set about becoming a lawyer. I already had an English degree (which they supported me through), so this meant doing a conversion course (one year), a further one year course, and then two years in a training contract before qualifying as a solicitor. I set about funding this myself, partly through working during university holidays and partly through a bank loan. Because I wanted to be a legal aid lawyer, this meant I had to cover all my course fees and living costs myself (if you have a training contract with a big rich firm then they will generally pay your fees and give you some money towards living costs).
In case it isn't clear from the above, there was a gap of several years between finishing my first degree and starting my course where I was working and supporting myself - I didn't do them back to back.
I did the first course in London and after a while, as my parents knew I was struggling, they offered to pay my rent (£250 a month), which was a huge help. For the second course, I ended up moving back home to live with them - which was fab
When I moved back home, my dad offered to pay my course fees, both for the upcoming year and for the year that I had already done/paid for. I was extremely grateful for this, as you might imagine.
Skip forward a couple of years. Halfway through my two-year training contract, I decided that there was no point me finishing it. I was desperately unhappy - crying most evenings and calling Samaritans a couple of times from work. I found the work utterly depressing. In case it isn't already obvious from the previous two sentences nor did I seem particularly good at it; I'd gone into Legal Aid because I wanted to help people and instead I was just floundering. Finally, my salary was so low that it cost me slightly more to live and work in London than I was getting paid - so I was effectively paying to go to work. I felt there was no point carrying on and left my job. I still consider it one of the best things I ever did.
My parents were extremely upset and angry that I didn't complete my training contract - not because they wanted me to be a lawyer (my mum has said she didn't think I was suited to it) but because they thought I should stick with it. My mum in particular thinks that completeing my training contract would have given me more opportunities, whereas in fact it would, as far as I know, have qualified me for nothing except being a solicitor, which I didn't want to be. I hate upsetting and disappointing them but couldn't face another year of hell just to please them.
Over the next few years, my mum occasionally complained about the fact that I hadn't finished my contract and that I had wasted their money, which really upset me but I bit my tongue because I hate conflict, particularly with them.
Skip forward another couple of years. My DB and his wife bought a house with my parents' help, renovated it and sold it a few months ago for an enormous profit. Because my parents had helped them out and they wouldn't have been able to buy it otherwise, my parents promised to give me and my other brother each £20,000 out of their share of the proceeds. Yay - again I was very grateful for this.
They have recently told me that they've decided to take out of that £20,000 all the money they've given me over the past few years (and the same for my brother too). This means that, less the course fees they paid, it's now something like £11,000.
The main thing that upsets me about this is not that I've "lost" £9,000 (because obviously I haven't lost anything at all - on the contrary, I'm being given a huge sum of money!) but I feel like I'm being punished for not completing my contract. I am sure that, if I'd finished it, it would never have occurred to them to take the money back again.
It also upsets me that a few years ago they gave me a gift and now they've taken it back off me again.
Finally, £1,000 of the money they've claimed back comes from a deposit they paid on the first flat a friend and I rented in 1997. When we moved out, the landlady ripped us off so we didn't have the money to pay back to them and we eventually forgot that we owed it at all (I am mortified about this ). However, they only suddenly started mentioning it about a year ago. Now they've said that they've taken the whole £1,000 off me and if I want my friend's share then I'll have to ask her for it. Which is kind of fair enough but I am too embarrassed to mention it after 11 years and it upsets me that they've effectively passed her debt on to me because they're too embarrassed to ask about it either.
I'm sorry this is so long I feel (marginally) better for purging. On the one hand I feel like I'm being a spoiled bitch because, ffs, someone's giving me £11,000, but on the other I feel like I'm being unfairly punished and it really really upsets me
DH says I should just let it go. I would love to let it go - but how?
Yes, you're being a spoilt brat. You've said yourself they've been extremely generous (and they have); they're offering you more money and you're complaining.
you have not lost any money! your parents have financed and supported your life choices. you get nowt for owt they gave you money and implicit in you taking is the acceptance they also offer opinions
It is their money, they can change the "rules". They supported you when you needed it, watched you not achieve your stated ambition and didn't pester you for the 1k when you didn't have it. And they're giving you 11k. Sorry but you sound more than a bit ungrateful. Either accept the gift gracefully and move on or if you feel so punished decline it.
i suspect the reason you're so upset is that your parents are not behaving as you hope your parents would behave - i hope that if i give my dc gifts whatever they may be i wouldn't ask for them back - while i'm sure you're going to feel sorry for asking mn since i'm sure everyone else is going to tell you not to complain about it, i understand - my parents sometimes do things i can't understand and which irk me, though if i had to explain them to strangers they'd think i'm being an ungrateful bitch, which i don't think i am, especially when i compare to how they treat my sibs
RW-why did you even bother posting this long whiny me-me-me post of course YABU
maybe spare a thought for the many other students who are not financially supported and cushioned by their parents. yep you know the ones who don't have to ponder why their mummmy and daddy only gave them £11,000. the ones with debts upon graduation
you need to reconsider and post another post being bit more grateful and contrite. they did not have to give you anything, stop griping
I think you should let it go as parents you expect to pay out more than you will ever recieve from your children it's a fact.
I do think the way they have done it seems a bit unfair dragging up the past etc making it out to be a gift then taking it again, they should never have told you that they were giving you 20k then you would never have known they were claiming money back, would you have prefered to just be given 11k instead of being told the in's and outs of it?
Personally my parents have never been ones for giving us money on the rare occasion I have had money it's either been borrowed from my dad (parents not together) which i've had to pay back (some was for a water bill and some for a washing machine because i was 17 with a baby and couldn't afford to pay cash and wasn't old enough to get credit) My mum gave me £500 for a deposit to rent a flat (she gave us all the same money it was supposed to be for buying a car but i needed somewhere to live more than a car) Now my mum has said if we get married she will give us a gift of £200 towards the wedding (very nice of her as I wasn't expecting it) because that's how much she gave my brother when he got married 7 years ago so £200 now won't actually go as far as it would have back then so is it ever really fair?
I think if you're over 18 then any money your parents give you is a total bonus and shouldn't be complained about can understand why you feel it's unjust though.
You should have finished your training. You are very much a spoilt brat. Doubtful you will find any sympathy I'm afraid. This is the real world. Don't mean to be harsh.....but for goodness sake.....
I think your parents may finally be treating you like an adult - enjoy the £11k and feel happy that they have allowed you to have a lovely comfortable life with great opportunities!
LMG yes exactly, if they'd just said "Here is £11k" then obviously I'd be over the moon. I hate the fact that I'm feeling this way about being given a huge sum of money
The money issue aside, it's not fair for them to keep blaming you after all these years. We all make mistakes, but there is no point throwing it back in someones face. You do need to let it go. Tell your parents you felt so low back then you were calling the samaritans, and you feel bad now because you feel you are being punished still. See how that goes down. Talk to them, they will understand.
I think that this is just life, honey. Your parents are disappointed too. Not IN YOU, but with the way things panned out and with the fact that THEIR money got spent on a course you didn't finish.
They had that reserve of money set aside for you and your brother. They were prepared to spend it on education and bricks&mortar as they say. Some of the money that was 'your share' is gone. YABU
I can understand why you're upset - it seems to me that it's not about the money, it's your expectations and feelings of betrayal. Particularly as you didn't feel very good about giving up your training contract at the time.
Can you try and focus on feeling fortunate about the money?
ElizabethBeresford I finished the course - in fact I finished two courses. I still have both those qualifications (and they have helped me get my current job). I just don't didn't finish a contract that would have led to me being qualified as a solicitor.
but they're not throwing it back. Presumably they are justifying why there may be a difference between the amount given to each child rather than in equal amounts.
Sorry, but I think you will have guessed by now what the majority of people are going to say - YABU, you are being v spoiled and should really count your blessings that your parents have been in a position to help you out so much over the years. Mine unfortunately were not, however I think it has made me much more self reliant and appreciative of things once I earn them. As for being "too embarrased to ask for the £500 deposit back" from your friend from 11 years ago - seriously, you are being given £11,000 and you would consider asking for this £500 back from a friend even though you had both forgotten about it so easily when it was owed to someone else, but suddenly now it is owed to you, it's a big deal. Sorry, but I'm afraid you need to get over yourself, realise what supportive parents you've had and be EXTREMELY grateful for the fact that they decided to give you any money at all from the proceeds of the house sale. I don't think they're punishing you at all, they've probably realised that they need to make you appreciate the value of the financial support they've provided over the years, otherwise you would probably continue to expect similar support in the future.
RW, you should be talking to your parents. You won't get any benefit from posting on here, especially if you are in a fragile state. Many people don't get the kind of financial support you have had, and that's why it pisses people off. So, sign off and go and talk to your mum.
I can sort of see why you would be upset by your parents if you think that they would have given you the full amount if you had completed your training (though you don't know that).
BUT it is their money, their choice. It seems to me that you should accept their extremely generous gift with good grace and thanks, and then think about how you can manage the rest of your life without their money or approval. I know lots of people whose parents are rich and generous and many of them are unhappy because they have a sense of entitlement and no sense of direction.
PS, don't get too hung up on not finishing the course. It would have been wrong for you and you know that and your parents know that too, and they were supportive of your decision.
Would you not have started the course if at the time they had said 'years down the line, the price of this course will be deducted from the sum of money we give you'.
You thought it was a gift. Perhaps they think you were a little cavalier starting the course. PerHAPS they suspected it wasn't for you but funded it anyway like the good parents they are??
I would love if my parents could give me ANY money. My parents have said that when they 'go' they will leave the house to both their children (even though one is very wealthy and the other is not). They were warning me I think. I said that was absolutely FINE. THE last thing on earth I'd want would be to lose my brother squabbling for a bigger share!
So, if your parents had given you the full 20, would your brother feel a bit put out???
AS pps have said, let it ALL go!!! the flatmate, the deposit, MOST OF ALL THE COURSE! AND JUST be deleriously grateful that you have 11,000 pounds. Sorry if that sounds a bit snippy.
Thanks Upsidedowncake. Giving up my contract was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, but I'm still glad I made it. I do partly feel like a failure for not being able to complete it, so I think it's upsetting me having that failure flung in my face by the two people in the world I'd most want to please
The reception is about what I would have expected. I wonder if I'd left the money out of it, and just said that my parents keep bringing up a decision that I'd made five years ago, if I would have got different responses. Or if I'd said they'd paid the course fees and now wanted them back, and not mentioned the extra £11k.
Lovemygirls I don't know. I'm a bit stressed and shaky tbh - probably not wise at five months' PG! Presumably there's no chance of me getting it deleted until Monday now either.
Sorry, you finished the course, you just didn't pursue it. I get it now. My cousin is a barrister now at 38. It seems to be that she has been struggling since she was 21.
Hi Rainy....your dilemna is quite a tricky one, imo...Similar stuff in my family, if that's of any help at all - which has led me to conclude that when gifting something, it needs clearly to be 'gifted', ie without expectations / conditions, and quite clear that it is a 'gift' not loan & / conditions / terms attached, (as otherwise therein lies a potential can of worms, unless the gift is made at the time with relevant stipulations etc which invariably doesn't happen - life ain't like that, and you may not have accepted it under such circumstances!)...Don't think the £500 owed by your flatmate yonks ago should be thrown at you at this late stage - they should have raised it with her at the time (cop out / not fair and I agree too late to ask her now!!). Would you not be able to mention the latter to them 'nicely'...You don't want to appear ungrateful but my Dad apparently did similar sort of thing to my sis and BIL and it all became quite difficult, and altho' I'm sure he had good intentions, they ended up feeling resentful. All came to light after he'd died, and my Mum confused / I felt caught in the middle. Think you should voice that you're really eternally grateful for all their help (financial / emotional / practical) so far, but that you feel 'punished' for being unable to complete your studies (which probably is the crux of it all - the money's less of an issue, probably?); is that their intention? Maybe they've just not thought it through or don't appreciate how this is making you feel, or they feel they have to be fair to the 3 (?) siblings...IMO all best aired (in reasoned / measured manner - no accusations!) while you have the chance - try not to let if fester. Better go do my IVF shots - yukk!! Hope all sorts self out - just try to talk it thru' with them, not losing sight of / letting them know how you value all their support to date! Hope of help!! Noozes247
My brother and I aren't squabbling over shares - I have no idea how much they're giving him but it's not affected by what they give me and vice versa.
Just to be clear, I have worked full-time since leaving university 11 years ago, except when I was in full-time education, when I just worked during the holidays. I am not quite the idle rich!
"I do partly feel like a failure for not being able to complete it, so I think it's upsetting me having that failure flung in my face by the two people in the world I'd most want to please "
I think you should say this to your parents. If they told you that it was ONLY about money, and money being an exhaustable supply, then would you feel better?
You think this 9,000 deduction sends out a message?
I don't think there's a message in it. I just think they don't have a money tree in their garden!!
RW - perhaps your parents are doing it on principle to try to educate you about something they think you need some pointers on - personal responsibility etc. Not remembering that you owe them £500 for a deposit, not offering to pay them back for helping you out with course fees when you needed it, little things like that? Sorry, but it sounds like you have taken them for granted. And they are still giving you 11 grand? You're being completely unreasonable to be angry with them.
RainyWed, your parents are very fair and even-handed in their treatment of you and your siblings in relation to handouts.
It is called hotchpot. Assuming they intend to give equal amounts to all their children on their passing, all your parents are doing is taking into account lifetime gifts in addition to any bequests under the will.
Remember, you are getting the benefit of this as well. After all, you are getting a share of your DB's hard labour in developing a house bought with the help of your parents' money. Your parents did not have to insist your db divvy the profits, but they did. Be grateful.
You feel bad because you feel like your parents are penalising you for not finishing your training contract and not claiming back the rental deposit. But could it be that they would have deducted the cost of funding your course anyway, even if you completed it?
Tbh, I cannot for the life of me imagine why you cannot just rough it out for an extra year to finish a training contract or could 'forget' to claim back £1K. I have very generous parents myself and finished an arduous legal training contract.
You are taking your parents' largess for granted. This is your wake up call.
Ask yourself if you would have given up the training contract had you funded it yourself via loans for example?
A friend hated her tc so much she marked off the days on her calendar. But because she had got herself deep in debt to get to that point she stuck it out and on qualification moved to a job as a lawyer in a different type of firm (in fact working for the government) which was more suited to her skills and personality.
Am abit grrr though but then I had to fund my own way through the same system and my training contract was worse than yours! My boss turned out to be a crooked lawyer and I was interviewed by the fraud squad and nearly ended up in very hot water. But hey ho qualified in the end.
And cant help but think those that have mummy and daddy's financial support never feel that true achievement of having got where you are in life via your own merits. But probaly saying that to make myself less jealous!
I'm sure they're proud of your brains, and your current path and most of all glad that you ended up HAPPY.
I don't think you're a spoilt brat. I think you're upset about what you think the 11,000 means. If you'd been given 20,000 you wouldn't have seen any hidden message in there. But you see a hidden message in the figure of 11,000.
I think the issue here isn't necessarily about the money itself. It more about the promise that was taken back. I had a similar things with my parents once - couldn't care less about the money itself, didn't need it - but was upset by the promise that was broken
Thank you noozes Tbh it did upset me that my mum seemed to think that by paying my fees it meant she could criticise my decision but in a way I suppose it did - although it seemed unfair to impose conditions after the fact. I guess now at least they can't criticise me for wasting their money any more Tbh I think my mum just gets a bee in her bonnet about stuff and doesn't realise how much it upsets me and it upsets me too much to mention it!
lazarou you're right, I should be talking to them but the thought upsets me too much - this is marginally less upsetting. Squabbling with/being criticised by MNers who I don't know over the internet is less emotionally gruelling than falling out with my mum and dad!
I always try to see the good. . . . however. Your parents gave you funds to educate you, train you and better your life. You did well (I assume) in your first degree but chose to go further? It didn't work out. Fair enough sometimes things don't. They gave your brother the same opportunity. He put his money in something different. He was fortunate and made money back. He was generous enough to repay your parents for their part/help in his success (can you honestly hand on heart say you would have done the same if your legal career had taken off?) Your parents then choose to split your brother's profits between you and your brother? I think this is the height of generosity here. They had a certain feeling of debt in some way, I imagine, to support your education BUT the £20,000/£11,000 is a pure no strings gift. You reneged on your part of the deal ref. educational/training funds so it is only fair that they have that money back. It is fair that your brother gets more money in this case. For your own sanity let this go. You are very lucky. However, I can sympathise more with the feelings of disappointment and constant comments of you letting them down. Maybe you could discuss this. Say you've paid your dues (£9K) let that be the past in the past. Now work at letting it go, being a mature adult and working your ass off to make you and your parents proud.
Rainy, you don't have to fall out with them. Just be honest with them. Tonight is probably not the right time though. There is some very good advice and different perspectives coming through for you on here now.
Aiyee, you're all replying too fast for me to be able to reply individually - sorry.
Thank you some of you for understanding it is not about the money.
kerala yes, I would still have left the training contract if I had funded it totally myself. I cannot express how unhappy I was. As well as that I was in huge amounts of debt and only getting deeper and with no prospect of earning a reasonable amount on qualification, so I quit while I was ahead.
ElizabethBeresford I should say that to them. I should tell them how unhappy I was at the time and how much happier I am now. I don't want to upset them by telling them how unhappy I was because I know it would make them unhappy that I was unhappy!
blueshoes they didn't divvy up the profits. I don't think I was clear about having two brothers - one brother owned half the house and got half the profit. My parents owned the other half and decided to give some of their share to me and my other brother.
You could turn this to your advantage. Tell them that you're so glad they have deducted the 9k. Tell them that from now on, you will feel so relieved knowing that they did not pay for that course, YOU did, and that any guilt or regret or doubts about the wisdom of doing the course in the first place are officially only YOUR problem.
Smile serenely and sigh. Then look at them and say serenely that now you can draw a line under it.
Even though I don't think they were trying to teach you any lessons about money, I think that they'd respect you for that.
It would also clarify (just to be crystal clear) that they can no longer even inadvertently make you feel bad about that "wasted" money, seeing as how it was ultimately you that paid the price.
lazarou falling out was probably the wrong phrase (as was angry in the thread title - I meant upset by). I would just find it very very hard to tell them that they'd upset me. I also have no idea how to go about it!
LoveMyGirls you're probably right
ElizabethBeresford you make a good point. In a way I am glad not to have the guilt of wasting their money hanging over me. It's just I feel like I failed them and to feel as though it was being confirmed, especially so many years later when there's sod all I can do about it and when I would have thought they could see that, even if it wasn't a great choice, it wasn't a catastrophic one.
it seems that your mum and dad have been keeping a tally over the years of all the things you have cocked up, doesn't it? your flat deposit, your course...
and they offered to pay your course fees, you were already self funding. Am I getting this right?
I can see being angry and feeling pissed off. I don't think you are being bratty, it must feel as if someone is keeping a tally in their head. You did not ask for the course fee money, so being made to feel as if you were wasting it must sting
as must feeling like they would have been more satisfied with you being miserable and finishing the course as long as their 'investment' in your training was being sensibly made
I think if I were you, and if I've got your pov right, I would not be happy taking another £11,000 off them if you thought they were going to watch what you did with it and think you should do something better. If you are happy that the £11,000 comes with no strings then fair enough; if they are proud of what you are doing now, go for it
but if you think they will be critically watching the progress of their latest donation to you then I'd probably give it back. And I am not rich, I could bloody well do with £11,000. But my granny told me that if anyone told her what to do with a present she would give it back, because that wasn't a present. Make sure they don't treat this time like the others - if they do then I would want to make a 'stand on my own 2 feet thanks' kind of stand, even if it did leave me out of pocket
YAB completely U. Only read OP and first few replies though so apologise if you've realised this in the meantime... If not I suggest you read back through your OP. Basically your parents have given you a MASSIVE amount of cash and really helped you out over the years. Now they're giving you 11K but you feel pissed off they're not giveing you more. Basically. AND they are deducting moeny given to your other brother in the same way so they are clearly NOT punishing you for not finishing the training. Stop fixating on this and get over it. Thank your parents for their incredibly generous gift. They don't have to give you a penny, neither did they have to over the years - they CHOSE to help you out. Stop wingeing and be grateful.
Thank you Cappuccino that's exactly it. Though tbh I don't even know whether they're keeping tally of all the ways I've cocked up or whether I am and just projecting on it to them.
Financial largesse aside, they are wonderful people and I love them to bits. I guess that's why this is upsetting me so much.
Perhaps I should just stop accepting money from them, though tbh I think that would upset them a lot! Their POV is that they don't need it, so they might as well pass it to their kids now. I'm also PG with their first grandchild, so I would imagine they would want to make some sort of financial contribution for him or her - should I make my child do without?
Well, if I gave anyone, including my own children thousands of pounds that they 'forgot all about', I expect I would remember. I'd have to be a Russian oligarch not to remember shelling out thousands of pounds! It's hardly 'throwing it in your face' to say, well, we treat our kids equally. Why should you get so much more than your siblings? Your brother made a success of his gift, you didn't make such a success of yours - so what? You chose to accept their money over and over again. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I speak as someone whose parents were far too poor ever to give me anything at all - even in their will - and I never expected anything, so I do think you come across as dreadfully spoilt. 11K is a huge amount of money. Why not donate a bit to the victims of the cyclone who have nothing and feel really good about yourself?
As long as you remember that they can no longer tell you when or how they feel you've cocked up, then that's great.
I do appreciate where you are coming from - my parents are forever offering me money, but it often comes with strings attached which I am no longer prepared to deal with. So, I have to also deal with the fact it is thier money and they don't have to give it to me, if they don't want to.
not everyone's parents have money to give and not everyone's parents decide to
Yes most of us don't have these dilemmas. But this is Rainy's situation and being made to feel bad about having comfortably-off parents isn't going to help
I'd have more sympathy if it was your brother posting saying...
My brother and sister have had thousands and thousands of pounds given to them by my very generous and supportive parents. A while ago they gave me the same amount of money as they gave my sister to do lots of courses she didn't finish and to pay a flat deposti she never paid them back in order to fulfil my own ambition to go into property developing. I worked like a dog at it,and because of that it was a success and I have now made a profit, which I split with my parents because of their investment. Now I've found out they are giving their share of the profits to my brother and sister who didn't do a stroke of work or invest a single penny of their own money in the venture. That's money that could have gone into the pot for their care when they are older. I feel this is wrong.
cannotbeserious that is exactly it - the strings attached
I don't know if I've got it right but parents can use money in this way to continue to have a controlling stake in their child's life, after the apron strings should have been cut
and who is really in a position to turn it down without qualms?
I think if you've grown up with parents who pay for things (and you accept them) then it must come as a bit of a shock to find they keep a tally. My parents have given me gifts over the years but I know that those will come off my 'total' at the end of the day and that when they die, I will inherit less than my sisters (I am a single parent, they both have well-paid husbands). I suppose it's a bit of a shock to find out that they've been doing the same and you weren't aware of it.
Do you think that your brothers would be resentful if your parents had written off the money they had paid for your course? Would you have been resentful if one of your brothers had been in your situation and been given 20k?
I think some people here are being a bit overly harsh on you btw - some people's parents have money, others don't. Saying you shouldn't ever be upset if things seem unfair is akin to never moaning about food because there are starving people in the world. Pointless comparison IMO.
did your parents know just how desperately unhappy you were at that time that you gave up your training post?
I failed a course many years ago that my parents funded (not to the tune of so much as you but they were ill able to afford it) and not once, ever, in a million years, would they EVER consider 'deducting' that money from any money they were to give me. It would not cross their minds, because they know I took some money from them for the course in the best of faith, and did my best at the time. and they know how awful I felt. And I apologised, through tears, for 'wasting' their money but they wouldn't hear it.
I don't think YABU
I think your parents have gone about things in a way that shows they do somehow even if subconsciously, want to 'punish' you for giving up. That's what makes me think somehow that maybe they didn't realise how bad it was for you - and perhaps they feel you weren't aware enough that it was their money you used?
You must not feel upset in any way. Some of us start things when we are young with generally alturistic (sp) ideals, but sometimes they just don't work out. It seems to me that you had all best intentions, but couldnt, not woudn't, follow them through. I have parents who have remembered buying sore throat sweets for my kids and demanding the money back. Sometimes what we think is a gift just isn't.
and yes, if this was me I think I would ensure that any money they give for the grandchild be in a very clear and unambigous way, eg in a child trust fund rather than the odd fifty quid here and there for bits you need, generous though that would be
I don't really understand the vitriol towards the OP.
As I see it, it's not really the money (which she never asked for, it was offered), it's the fact that the money she was given now, so many years down the line, has become a loan with provisos and terms and conditions. That is, we would have given you 20 grand but we feel you took the wrong path all those years ago so now we're going to financially penalise you for it.
Of course 11 grand is still a huge amount of money, but it's the principle isn't it? The OP did what she thought was the right thing at the time (i.e. give up her course/contract) but now her parents are in effect saying that they think she did the wrong thing.
I think that's what hurts the OP, the implied message from her parents that she has failed them.
Oh for heavens sake, the parents are people, not a cash machine. They feel an obligation (a huge obligation it seems to me) to all their children. Why should they favour this one over the others?
Journey, no I think they're actually okay with me not being a lawyer. I think they're actually just doing the parent thing of worrying about me, and I think that, at the time I dropped out of my contract, they were worried about what would happen to me - which I can understand, as I was quite worried too! I think I'm aware of the fact that someone with my educational background "should" be doing a lot better: for example, a bloke who was a year ahead of me in university has just been made partner of the same law firm where I work, but he works a 70 hour week with loads of stress and I work a 35 hour week with no stress. I'm happy with that decision but I guess I'm also aware that it's not what I "should" be doing. My parents have always told me that they care about my happiness, not what I am/do, but I sometimes wonder whether that's true - or whether I'm just projecting.
Are you being sarcastic about me using both my degrees? They are pointless but do make me very good at my job!
Moondog and NotaBanana I'm not assuming or expecting anything, but since you don't know me, my parents or my relationship with them, you probably just have to accept that I know them better than you do. I am fully prepared to support my own children, but if your parents offered to put money in trust for your kids, would you turn it down on principle?
Vivace with respect, you know nothing about how much I do or don't give to charity.
I'm confused. You say that your parents have allocated £20k to both you and your brother, and that both of you are having spend from over the years deducted from this.
Did your brother do an LPC and drop out of his training contract too? Or was there some kind of similar situation with him dropping out of something?
They way I see it, I don't think I can be in any way related to you dropping out of your course if they are approaching things in the same way for both of you.
It's a long thread though, so apologise I may well have missed something.
I do think this line: "Now they've said that they've taken the whole £1,000 off me and if I want my friend's share then I'll have to ask her for it. Which is kind of fair enough but I am too embarrassed to mention it after 11 years and it upsets me that they've effectively passed her debt on to me because they're too embarrassed to ask about it either." Is really quite bad. They've passed her debt on to you? But you were happy to pass it on to them all those years ago by "forgetting" about it.
and if I am really being mean and vindictive, they are as much to blame as you if they brought up a daughter with so little regard for money that she forgot all about a substantial flat deposit
Does it matter where and how her parents came by the money? I think that's irrelevant. To me the point is that (I think) if she had finished her course and was now a successful solicitor, she would be getting 20k. Because she didn't, that's being docked. Fair enough in some ways but I think her parents should have told her at the time that they expected that money back (which is effectively what they're doing).
My parents were furious with me when I walked out of one degree after a year because it wasn't working for me. They accused me of giving up, of never sticking at anything and it was horrible. I did a different one though and they realised in the end that I'd made the right decision and I am successful in a totally different field now.
Do you think they're disappointed that you're a typist OP?
Chrissnow, actually it says in her original post that they are doing EXACTLY the same to her other brother - ie taking out all the money they gave to them in the past. It's completely fair, and RainyWednesday is being paranoid. It's nothing to do with judging her, it's to do with making sure all the children get an equal share of the pot, and how can that be wrong?
Spicemonster, given that they are also deducting previous gifts to her other brother, I don't think there is a shred of evidence that she would be getting the 20K if she was a solicitor. They are being more than fair and generous.
Vivace - thank you! I thought I had missed something, but I don't think I have. It's never actually been stated that it's happening because she didn't finish her training contract has it? Both her and her brother are getting the money minus money given over the years.
vivace the brother who did work on the house is getting a lot more.
chequers I have no idea what they're taking off my other brother's share. He runs his own business and I think they've helped out a bit when he was setting up etc but tbh none of us siblings jealously keeps score over what the others are getting.
spicemonster I don't think my brothers would have been resentful of them writing off the course, no. And I'm not resentful of any financial assistance they get either.
HonoriaGlossop I don't think my parents do know how upset I was - I think they might think I gave the whole thing up on a childish whim I was living 200 miles away from them at the time (and still do) and I protected them from knowing how unhappy I was because it would upset them. I suffered really badly from depression at uni as well but they never knew because they would be devastated.
I don't want to upset a pregnant woman, but honestly Rainy, I think you are being completely paranoid and your 'failure' is your obsession, not your parents'. Accept this amazing wonderful free money with good grace or not at all.
vivace - I don't disagree with you. Yes the children get an equal share of the pot financially. What i think the OP is trying to get at (and me) is that maybe a line should be drawn under it now. Gifts over, aid over, comments over.
nor did I seem particularly good at it; I'd gone into Legal Aid because I wanted to help people and instead I was just floundering. Finally, my salary was so low that it cost me slightly more to live and work in London than I was getting paid - so I was effectively paying to go to work. I felt there was no point carrying on and left my job. I still consider it one of the best things I ever did.
You are really being a brat to your parents. 
