she's 16 next week. Ran away from home last year and is living with grandparents. IM's me all chatty just before Xmas and her birthday.
Came on IM just now as I was sealing money into a card for her (DH refuses to have anything to do with this and thinks I'm a mug) and got nasty and accused me of not worshipping at the in-laws feet.
So I'm thinking why fucking bother with money I cant afford. She's living with rich grandparents, clearly is only intersted in what I can send her, accused me of emotionally abusing her cos I said no to parties in houses where she didn't even know the address and she was 14 and got her to help round the house etc etc.
Why am I bothering?

She'll remember though, won't she, if you don't do anything. Send a card and what you can afford. 16 year olds have memories like elephants.

Sorry if that sounded bossy. I do sympathise

isn't that like being coerced though. Thats what I'm wondering.

Just send a card then. You're under no obligation to send any money, but if you do nothing she might hold it against you for years.

I know
DH reckons she has no real feelings at all and is only talking to me on IM cos she wants a present. I hate to think that of my child and keep hoping.
Maybe I'm a stupid mug. Sigh.

If you don`t want to do the money send her a small token gift that she won`t know how much you spent .But knows you did make an effort so then she will never be able to throw that in back your face.
Which she will if you don`t send anything (thats teenagers for you )

Can you send her something that doesnt cost a lot but that shows a bit of thought so that she knows you are thinking of her?
Would she like flowers or a voucher to get a manicure or something like that?

Oh, you poor thing. Teenagers aren't renowned for seeing things from other people pov are they.

You are not stupid mug
Your a mum and teenagers can get you over a barrell by abusing that

feeling very weary about all this today. I did my best and still she ran away (its a long story). Feeling like a shit person and stupid for caring.

Oh so sorry Riven.I would send something because if someone gives you a present you know you have been thought about a little bit.
She will know you have thought about her even if she doesn't show it.

I'm with Shreddies. She isn't showing you much love and affection, and is using and abusing you a bit - but once she gets through this phase of extreme teenage rebellion and matures into (hopefully) a sensible young woman, you need to have a basis of some sort of relationship on order to build something positive

teenagers huh! I really sympathise, looking back i must have driven my mother potty when i was that age and its only now that i have a child of my own that i realised how hard and worrying it must have been for her. But no matter how awful i was behaving and how undeserving of presents etc, i would have been really hurt and upset if my parents didn't do anything for my 16th birthday. Its a significant birthday and should be marked in some way.

i dont know the background but at 15 i think she is still a child in many ways

please send a card at the very least for both of your sakes

riven, just remember that she is a teenager, i say this because my DD is 18 soon and i feel just the same - has thrown a massive sulk because i wont throw her a party or hire a limo at £400 a night. What i mean by this is please dont take this personally. She is being a selfish brat, but that doesnt make her a bad person, it makes her a teenager. I only ever see my DD when she wants something and yes, it is going to influence what i do for her 18th because i feel pushed out of her life - cant help the way we feel.

Dont let her press your guilt buttons. Do what you was going to do - put the money in a card, invite her round for a family lunch, if she wont come, then she doesnt get the money, end of.

You have enough to cope with without her emotional bullshit - this is what i tell myself about my own DD, i refuse to be emotionally harrangued anymore.

Im not unsympathetic i know she has had lots to deal with, similar to my DD but they shouldnt use us as punch bags!"

haven't seen her for over a year. She refuses to speak to me on the phone, let alone meet. And refuses to discuss her behaviour or why she ran away. I'm being punished for not being like her mates parents I think.
Its weird how you can love your child but dislike the brat they have become. sigh

I think you should do what you believe to be right and refuse to be sucked in by her poor behaviour. I think you know that it's right for a mum to give her dd a birthday present, so that's what you do. Otherwise she is being allowed to set the pace with her stroppiness.

Be transparent to her negative energy. Do the right thing anyway and don't relate it to what she's doing. You are the mother.

Her friends are bound to ask her what her mother gave her for her 16th birthday present.

However much you resent it, don't hold back on sending her something. Not expensive but with thought. How about a really nice key ring with a new key to your home?

riven i know totally what you mean, i love my DD but i dont like her at all

You have to give her time. If i were you i would still give a present, that way, you are not fuelling her self pitying spoiltness - mine is just the same, and she can press my buttons in an instant. You will also not have to feel guilty.

I think the keyring with the key is actually a lovely idea. You can buy some really lovely keyrings in the jewelers with bits that you add on, very personal. Keep the message simple, something like, always here for you, mum xx leave it at that, dont expect nothing back of course, thats what they do - its all me me me me me. Like i said, she is not a bad person, she is a teenager who is not coping with issues that you all have to cope with just now. But as much as she is still a child, she has to realise that things had to change, it was no ones fault!!! and she should be helping, not making things worse.

Actually quite angry at the GPs for fascilitating this behavour, it doesnt make things easy, ok in the short term it might but..........look, she will come round. Never close that door, make sure she knows it is open, move on - its all you can do.

totally agree with giving a present. Otherwise you are being tossed around on her moods, etc and letting her set the tone of your relationship; and that's not for her to do; you are the adult.

I think send a little present, or cash, or whatever, and include an invitation for you to take her out to dinner, just the two of you. OK given how things are she may well spurn that but at least she has had a mum who's willing to take her out for that 16th birthday meal...her choice if she refuses; she doesn't get the chance to say "my mum didn't even want to see me on my 16th"

Good luck - remember, YOU can set the tone

I would send her a card and a little present. I know teenagers can dbe very annoying but she is still a child and you are the adult. It's important to show her you are still thinking of her.

I agree with the send card and pressie folk. Get her a nice necklace, somethng she can keep, or such like.

riven - first of all you are not a mug. You are a mum. As has been said you love them, but you don't have to like them. You put too much guilt on yourself for things that are not your fault.
The key and message ideas are wonderful. You should (and you know this) give her something. I have no idea how much money you have.... A simple charm bracelet with 16 charms of her life and what it has meant to you so far i.e. charm for 1 yr a rattle 2yr a teddy etc with memorable mementoes of her years (obviously don't know a charm for a 16 yr old cow!!! joking). She will know that she does and always has and always will mean the world to you. Then leave it at that and let her approach you in the future. Don't beg, but don't ignore. Don't cave in but don't be unapproachable.

I'm sending her money. The charm bracelet as a nice idea but she left after Xmas last year and left behind all the little presents I'd spent ages choosing.

Good Luck. I hope that she comes round and the two of you can forge a proper relationship one day.

Riven, I woke up thinking about you this morning, I hope you are feeling a little happier. The idea of the keyring is a very beautiful idea, I think she may throw it back in your face but at least you will always know that you tried and I think you have to keep trying or you will never forgive yourself.
She is being a brat but she is also your lovely daughter, hormones do some horrid things to people and as long as you keep trying one day she will come round. xx

fwiw - I was a vile bitchcow to my mom for years as a teenager/adolescent. We get on well now (mostly - although she has bitchcow tendencies toward me more often these days - pay back's a bitch ).