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Dh has informend me today that his company want him to go down south to work for a week, he doesnt have to just if he wants to. Anyway we spoike briefly on the phone before and both agreed he wouldnt go, but then he phoned me before and said his boss is on his case and he cant stop thinking of the extra money, He wont go if i say not to but here is the AIBU part, i am very upset that should i ok it he would go since we moved in together (9 years ago) we have only spent 1 night apart and that was when i was in hospital having dd. I will probably get shot down for this post as i know lots of women on here deal with their dh/dp working away ALOT, but ic ant stop feeling so, well HURT
I think these days with so many redundancies and the competition which most people have to deal with at work, if your boss says jump you just have to say "how high".
I'd be supportive of him if I were you, making him feel guilty isn't going to help.
What would be so terrible about him being away for a week?
AW. If he's never worked away then I can understand why you're upset but it's only work and he will be back with extra money which would be good. Are you a SAHM? Perhaps arrange to go and do something you enjoy or use it as an opportunity to have some friends come round?
Also try explaining to him why it upsets you and see if you can talk about any fears you have about him being away and how he can make it easier on you.
Yes YABU and I think you know you are. What if he wanted to go on holiday for a week with his mates? Would you feel the same? There's nothing wrong with him wanting to be away for a week, and it results in extra money for you both. Let him go, you might be pleasantly surprised by how nice it is to have some time on your own. While he's away plan some meet-ups with your friends / family so you've got things to look forward to.
Yeah but they cant sack him for saying he cant go, when he joined the company there was no talk about the possibility of having to work away from home. The reason im not happy with him going is becasue id really miss him and i am having trouble at the moment with my panic and anxiety resurfacing and i dont want to be home alone with 2 dc 24/7
I can imagine it will be hard but it is so hard to say no to bosses, even if they can say no it doesn't really look good. Try and make it nice for yourself - maybe organise friends to come over, pack out the fridge with nice food and wine, rent some DVDs... And absense makes the heart grow fonder
Why don't you want him to go? A week on your own terms, with a bit of peace, where you get control of the remote, and can eat cake without having to share will be great for you!
All my friends have children and work (yeah am a SAHM) so daytimes i would be alone and evening times my friends wouldnt be able to come round either. I dont have any family apart from my mum and dad, but they are not very hands on IYKWIM
Whilst his co. couldn't sack him for not agreeing to work away, these days I think you've got to really show that you will go the extra mile and put the company first sometimes. Otherwise, when redundancies come round (and they always do), the person who hasn't put themselves out is the one most likely to be considered for the push
YABU, if you get extra money coming your way then take it with both hands regardless. My dh works 12hr shifts and I don't like it but accept that one of us has to go out and earn a crust even if that means he doesn't see his son for 5 days or so in a row (he's asleep when dh leaves and returns from work). Just relax and let him go out to work for the week away from home. Keep busy and you'll find he'll be back before you know it
Sorry but yabu. If your boss tells you 'you can do this trip if you like, but obviously you're not obliged' then the correct reply is 'of course I'll do it boss, thanks for the opportunity'.
Do you have any friends or family who could come & stay with you while he's away so that you're not so lonely?
"The reason im not happy with him going is becasue id really miss him and i am having trouble at the moment with my panic and anxiety resurfacing and i dont want to be home alone with 2 dc 24/7"
I can totally understand this, specially the Anxiety thing. Have you ever tried to get any help for your anxiety? What if your husband does need to go away for an non-work related thing in the future and it's unavoidable?
I had some counselling which helped me to put my worries and anxieties into perspective, and though I still get anxious about stuff I can recognise when I am getting into a tizz about silly things more quickly now.
Could you get anyone to come and stay or go to stay with someone who could help with the childcare?
They might not be able to sack him if he decides not to go but his career could suffer otherwise. I don't see the point of him putting it onto you, though. He certainly ought to discuss it with you and hear what you have to say about it but surely the decision has to be his, not yours, to make. If he comes to the conclusion that it is important that he goes, I think you should support his decision.
I understand how unpleasant the prospect is. Dh and I have spent very few nights apart since we got together and we do all we can to avoid it. But I'm aware that we are a lot luckier than some in that respect and if he had to go somewhere, then we'd just get on with it.
I think you're being a bit selfish tbh. IF you spent more time away from your DH, and you're a social type that needs company, then you would have put in the effort and work to make friends with people that fit in with your hours/lifestyle etc.
What is so terrible about being alone for a week anyway?
Is there anyone who could come and stay with you whilst he's away?
I can understand your concerns but it sounds as if he really ought to show willing and go.
FWIW my dh works away a lot and I actually enjoy the time to myself - no one to sigh when I watch what I want on the telly or to complain when I hog the bathroom for a good long soak in the bath
You should plan for every minute of the day while your dh is away, making sure you have some special treats for yourself in the evenings. It'll go really quickly, honestly.
It must be quite daunting being on your own with DH esp if you have only spent one night apart(!!!). I've lost count how many nights I've spent apart from mine (he works night shift as part of his roster) so I'm used to it and tbh it's good for me to spend time on my own and I actually enjoy it doing exactly what I want at night, watching TV etc. Cheer up you might even like it! It's not so bad.
Re-reading your OP I'm now wondering if the problem is not just that he's going, but also that he wants to go, and that you're interpreting that as rejection? And reading between the lines of what he's doing it looks like he knows you'll feel rejected and is therefore putting it on you, so that he doesn't actually have to tell you directly he wants to do it, and make you feel bad? Does that make sense?
i think you need to look at the bigger picture here. think beyond him working away for a week and in terms of extra money, extra experience for him in his career, networking as he'd be meeting other colleagues, brownie point with the boss etc.
my dh works away a lot, both in the uk and abroad. i make sure when he's away, we have something planned for each day, a trip out, gardening, a picnic. invite some friends round one evening for a meal, (their dh/dp's can babysit for them), the best bit about them working away, is you have the homecoming to look forward too
Not because I dont miss him and not love him because I do. Loads.
But......I can eat when I want, watch crap TV when I want, sleep when I want, whole bed to myself.......
I do think you need to 'let' him go and make plans for yourself and not be quite so dependant on him. It will help him with his career and earn extra money for you and be good for both of you.
Let him go - he can take you out to dinner when he gets back, with the extra money he's made!
I think you need to gently start creating a more independent lifestyle for yourself so that if there are occasions when he has to go away you aren't so anxious. My DH goes away for months at a time (he is military) so I am very good at arranging things for me and the children to do.
Organise a girls night in one night with your friends - DVDs, chocolate, wine, etc. You'll have a giggle!
LOL MC, you didnt scare me off, the gas went and i ahd to nip the shop thank you all for your replys, ive read them all and took what you all said on board, i have spoken to him and said i dont mind if he goes <in my most believeable voice> and now hes saying he has thought it through again and doesnt want to be apart from us for that long, i told him i honestly didnt mind and i dont want to be the reason why he has decided against it, but he is insistant, maybe he will change his mind who knows? TBH iw as quite getting used to the idea, i especially liked the sound of 'packing the fridge full of nice food and wine and getting dvds' BeanieSteve, thanks for your understanding on the anxiety facter, yes i have recieved treatment and was discharged but it appears to be coming back with avengance
My DH is about to go away for 2 weeks. I am used to him being off for a night or 2 during the week but i was a bit narked about 2 whole weeks as i know the DC will miss him at the weekends. Mind you he has just started being at home a bit more, not away at all this week and I'm already missing my me time in the evening and the fact that i can scoff chocolate during the day then say I ate it in the evning beacuse i missed him - ha ha!! It s sure to be a bit worryting if you've never doe it before but you'll probasbly find you'll cope just fine and as a result realise that you're strongert and much more capable than you realise. If you really have never spent any time apart for so long it will probably do both of you a lot of good, he'll realise he missed you and be really pleased to see you again. My DH says when he's been away for more than a week comes home and says 'I forgot how pretty you are' not sure entirely how to take it but I suppose it means he stopped taking me for granted for a second or two
I know how hard it can be even though mine was never that bad. Hope you do manage to get through the times you feel anxious. Some of us are born worriers I think.
Sidge, you're spot on there, i do need to become more independant, i have benn with DH since iw as 14, am now nearly 26 and without sounding cheesy he is my best friend and we do everything together, always have, but sometimes i do feel like i rely on him to much and that i need to get a life for myself am hoping it will work itself out soon as my second and final dc starts full time school in september and i have the possibility of a fantastic job, plus i have been studying really hard so i should have oppurtunitys (sp? i can NEVER spell that word) awaiting me
It sounds like you're doing really well creating opportunities for yourself is fantastic!
I think it's lovely that your DH is your best friend and soulmate, however when the idea of him being away for a few nights sends you into a panic then you know it's time to develop your own interests (as you are doing). Turn the anxiety around and instead of wondering how you will cope, think of all the things you can do because he's away, not despite it.
Even if he doesn't go away this time, I think the fact you have told him that he could go is really positive.
I agree with collision. My DH works away every week. I enjoy those night where I don't have to share the bed, don't have to make him dinner, and can do what I like for an hour or two before I go to bed. It's nice ehn he is is home. But on the odd occassion when he comes home unexpectedly I do think "oh bugger, I had my night planned. What are you doing here?"
Next week I am away on business (nut only Wed-Fri). I'm sure he won't mind.
I'm afraid I think YABU. It's lovely when you can be together all the time but sometimes we all find things we'd just like to try. Being away from you isn't exactly tombstoning and he 'll sooo want to come back. It's great when you get to be together again after a few days. It can get quite adictive. I'm sure you'll find there is an upside when there's something you want to do. Tell yourself it's his duty to go if you want but isn't it better to feel that you support anything which makes him happy and to know he feels the same about you?
Thanks sidge, i must admit though i did feel relieved when he said he wasnt going to go HB i did end up telling him i didnt mind him going (thanks to this wise lot) I know what you mean about supporting each other
Gosh - Loopy. Does he read meters? My ex worked for Accuread and was away all the time. By that time we were not getting on so I didn't care but his trips away were usually a week somewhere like Wrexham staying in a crap travel lodge with a couple of virtual strangers doing long hours in a place he didn't know.
When my dh goes away I make sure I have a list of important phone numbers to hand - for example electricity/water/gas so that if something happens, then I can call someone. Also I tell friends that I'm going to be on my own, and I know they'll help out in an emergency.
dh is often away for the odd night or a few -I have a bath (might be tricky tonight as no water atm), do nails etc once kids ar ein bed - and was frequently away while we lived abroad, leaving me and two kids in a foreign country. Try not to dwell on it, although the fact he gets a nice undisturbed sleep while I sleep fitfully makes me . Plan ahead so you have fewer chores to get anxious about and can enjoy the space a bit. The time will pass and you'll cope.
Loopy- i do completly understand, i suffer from anxiety, and weird spirling thoughts that i get sometimes if dp goes away. I used to hate it...however, now i enjoy it when he's way As others have said it gives me time to be selfish in the evenings! I get lovely food, watch crap, have some wine and, most importantly, HAVE THE BED TOTALY TO MYSELF! I used to get people to come and stay, my mother or a relative to help out- is that possible? Belgo's idea of all important contact no's written down is really good too. Dp does go away, not just on buisness but also on a yearly holiday with freinds. It does him a world of good to be away for a little while, and i am aaaallllways harping on about "time to myself" so i can't expect him not to want it also We love each other to pieces and when he's away we normaly speak twice a day, but there is no doubt the time apart does us some good, both mentaly and for the relationship. His wanting to go is not a rejection of you, it sounds like he would like the extra money and maybe he would like a little time away from home. A week's not so bad, believe me. Try and find loads of activites for daytimes, and be selfish in the evenings so you have treats to look forward to Hope this helps a little x
I also suffer from anxiety and when I first moved here it took me MONTHS to be able to go out on my own!
I am getting better now for the sake of my dd, and just now thinking of going to work. I got a promising interview and may start in 2 weeks...just so happens if my dh takes a job he has been offered he will be away down south all that week too.
We have also never been apart and I would be very sad to see him go and not know how to cope with my first week back to work and alone with dd. And I know it sounds silly but I would probably cry a lot being away from him.
I know you know deep inside that it is up to him (as I do with my dh) but you have the right to be upset and to miss him. He is after all your other half. I would hope you would miss him and not be like whatever see you later!
I would be supportive and let him decide (money always a good thing) but YANBU to be hurt. Can't change how you feel only how you handle it
Loopy - i made the mistake the other day of saying i found it easier when he wasn't around....OOPS!! What i meant was that each room was as tidy as when i had left it and i REALLY like it that way - It's quite funny as i'm not a real clean freak at all!! The first time he was away was when DD was about 3 weeks old and i found that tough but now i get into a routine and make the most of it with relaxing baths and nice food (generally not requiring any cooking) and having long phone calls with friends who i never seem to be able to catch up with properly when DH is around.
If this comes up again could you ask him to perhaps leave early on Mon morning and back Thurs night as a compromise to his boss and then it's only '3 sleeps' - still the way i look at it!
since we moved in together (9 years ago) we have only spent 1 night apart and that was when i was in hospital having dd. I will probably get shot down for this post as i know lots of women on here deal with their dh/dp working away ALOT, but ic ant stop feeling so, well HURT 
not sure entirely how to take it but I suppose it means he stopped taking me for granted for a second or two 
. Plan ahead so you have fewer chores to get anxious about and can enjoy the space a bit. The time will pass and you'll cope. 
