I am 8 weeks pg with DC no.3 and feeling like sh*te. I am SAHM to DD 4 and DS2. I have a small bit of help on a thursday.
My DH works very long hours mon-fri so can't help out with DC during week (except once in a blue moon he might be home to put them to bed).
At weekends, he is "very good" (although noone ever describes a mother as same for caring for children) he gets up both mornings at mo, and basically does most childcare due to my current "incapacity" ON CONDITION that he gets to play golf one of these days.
Now that can take anything from 5-6 hours sometimes longer due to various boring reasons. He insists that he "needs" to play golf as it keeps him sane, his job is very stressful etc etc.
However none of my friends DHs with 2 small children are "allowed" pursue a hobby that takes almost a full day at weekend. His argument that I could do something similar is daft as we would have no time together as a family. All his golf buddies are, strangely, single guys or guys with much older families.
AIBU? or am I a bloody mug?

Perhaps he could cut it down to once a month, then you could spend time together?

Same here - I just let him get on with it - but do take myself off for an afternoon regularly to escape. He also goes away for golfing weekends and an annual week - which I also agree to but he is trying to arrange a boys weekend away which has got me into a bit of a rage yet as we haven't paid for our own holidays yet or taken them and I haven't had a weekend away for 18 months.

I need to plan my own weekend away!

Can you come to an arrangement to take turns to do something - one weekend he plays golf, the next you go off and do your own thing? That way you still get to spend family time every weekend as well.

Thats a really tough one -I can see both sides!
If your DH literally does EVERYTHING on the one day he is home and you just rest, then it is fair that he does what he wants on the other day tbh.
If however he does SOME helping and you are still cleaning/looking after the kids then you never really get a break and he should definitely cut back on his golf.
Maybe fortnightly golf would be a good compromise and the in between weeks you could all ave a family day out instead?

I have just told him he can't play this weekend. The arrangement was that he wasn't going to, then I get a pitiful text saying that BiL wants to play as they are coming to visit. Tough sh*t. Means I am stuck with two kids AND my SiL to entertain.

Crying helps imho!

Hmmmmm

Maybe a little bit unreasonable in a tired and pg I want him with me kind of way. He works all week, he needs his hobby. Sounds like you need something too to give yourself a break from dcs.

But, you do need time as a family too. Dp played rugby every weekend until he tore a ligament. He would be out from anywhere between mid morning and after lunch depending on where the match was until ds' bedtime. He also trained twice a week in the evenings. But if there was something we wanted to do as a family he wouldn't play. If you are honest with yourself you wouldn't have big outings every weekend anyway. Talk to him about how important family time is to you and agree on outings occasionally where he doesn't play, or one weekend a month he doesn't play. Also, on the day that he doesn't play don't be shy about kicking him out to the park with dcs so you can have a break.

it might help if you came up with something else to do instead eg plan a day out - do you stay at home at the weekends due to tiredness? He might find that boring - mine would - we have to go to woods, galleries etc - its easier to entertain the kids when out too

or negotiate - eg less golf until i feel better - hopefully in second trimester - then talk about how best to share out the weekend workload/time off - just saying no seems a bit harsh

Take your point, Indith but go on, admit it, you tore your DH's ligament, whilst he was asleep??
I think one thing that makes a big difference is that I am doing literally the whole shebang Monday to Friday. In his previous job, he did get home maybe about 3 nights in time to do the bath/bed. It is incredibly tough to do the full 13 hours on your own day in day out. I might try and get a bit more help during the week so that I don't feel that a saturday when he is off golfing is just another endless "work" day for me, iyswim

I think that if he played golf (or any other sport) before you had children then it should be ok for him to carry on.

My DH plays hockey, has done for 30 odd years and so did I until I had DD - so I think it is ok for him to carry on, as long as it only takes 1 day at the weekend.

He was injured for almost 4 years so he took up coaching which was fine, but he is fit again now and so I asked him not to play 1 day and coach the other day.

This means that he has decided to coach club level one evening per week and stop coaching county level at the weekend.

When he finally stops playing I am sure that he will get back into coaching seriously but again as long as it is only 1 day per week I don't mind.

I admit that hockey is more sociable for the whole family as we can go and watch and have a drink at the club house..

how did you guess?

Well no, and he is on a waiting list for surgery now. But anyway, he is insufferable without his rugby, I really wish he would hurry up and find something else! They really do need something to relax. But I do understand how it feels when you don't get a break, and you do need something other than the dcs.

Could you afford a cleaner or something once a week so that you can organise yourself to not have any housework other than cooking to do at the weekend so the Saturday doesn't quite feel like another day of the daily grind?

We compromised as dh's cricket would take 12 hours once or twice a week. He changed to every other weekend until I broke his spirit and he gave it up.

My DH used to go out wargaming on Sunday afternoons.
In the end I asked him to stop as I was exhausted looking after a toddler, and he had the car and being disabled I was almost house bound. So he had a great time and I felt frazzled.

He stopped and instead goes out in the evening after DD was in bed, admittedly this cannot be done with golf...

Now, if DD is out at a friend's he goes out sunday afternoons but mostly we do family stuff.

It is unfair if this is his break, but you get no breaks at all, which it was in my case.

Have emailed him and told him he can play this weekend but that going foward we will need to have at least one golf free weekend per month.

But what really does make me cross is that I haven't heard from one MN'er who says "oh yeah I play golf/war games/cricket/hockey for seven hours on a saturday and my DH just has to put up with it. That is one of my big bugbears, the fact that I don't know a single woman with young children who can pursue that type of LONG hobby. Isn't it funny how most women don't start playing golf until they are in last 40s /50s. Hmmmmm.

I can see that he needs his down-time - so do I, so does my DH - but 5/6 hrs every weekend is too much. SOunds like you have found a good compromise.

I do go running 3 times a week which is about 4 hrs altogether. But not all in one go.

DH would like me to play golf but I wouldn't be able to fit it in - like you said! I also run 3/4 times a week which he encourages me to do - I tend to go when the kids are kicking off

But Turniphead - "His argument that I could do something similar..." He is happy for you to do something for yourself too. I think you need to sit down and come to some sort of compromising arrangement, like I said, alternate weekends. It's not like he's refusing to acknowledge that you deserve it too.

My DP is the same with cricket. He leaves the house at 10ish on Sat morning and is home after midnight.

I HATE it. but he hates it that I hate it and I don't want to be all naggy and unsupportive so I try and bite my tongue.

I think this is too much.

I think it's good to have hobbies and a life outside the children BUT when they're young and another is on the way, sacrifices need to be made, specially when one parent is doing literally ALL the parenting work during the week.

I agree that his assertion that you could do something similar is a bit pointless, because if you did that, your children would have NO family time

I think he needs to prioritise family time personally

It won't be forever after all, it's a few short years really till the kids don't want you about much anyway.

Hmm. It might be helpful to have some shared days, so he sees that it is possible to relax in the company of his family. At the moment, each of you seems to be doing all or nothing - which must make him think that he cannot unwind after his busy week unless he is out of the house alone.

Can you not organise some relaxing outings for everyone? I always find my DC rather more amenable when fully occupied, even if it's just feeding the ducks and going on the swings.

I play netball every other Saturday thru the season, takes out about 3 hours of the day i guess, but this can end up ruining the whole day if it is 11 til 2, for example.

I guess it is phrases like 'They really do need something to relax.' that seem a little unfair, as if men are rubbish (which i guess they are ) and need to relax in some way while we can just keep going.

i know when DH does go away for the weekend it just feel like another 'work' day to me at home with kids, but worse in a way cos most frineds don't want to meet up as they are spending time with their family.

Every weeked does soound a lot, esp golf which seems to take ages. Waht about booking a really early tee time so that he is back by mid morning? i know you would have to be up and around, but at least you would have good part of day together

But really, what is wrong with doing my suggestion and taking turns? You'd still get the family time then and both of you would get a regular break.

Why not make him start really early for golf - then he could have his golf and still be back for lunchtime ? I have a friend whose dh does this - at least in the summer anyway.

Early tee times usually start a 7am. That means golf 7am-11am, rest of the day free. I know how you feel, I'm also a golf widow.

TBH I think he is being selfish. I agree with HG.... This "need" to do it, sounds like twaddle. I have a need to go shopping every Saturday for 6 hours. I never get to do it, but it makes me relax dontcha know.

Small children are the reponsibility of BOTH parents. They are not small for long, but need a lot of input at that time, so sometimes hobbies or interests have to be postponed for a while. He is not there all week, or one day at weekend, so must see very little of dc and you. Is his golf more important than his family, or does it just appear like that? ?

The words cake and eating it come to mind

i do know mums who do their own thing at the weekend - one is an actress who does lots of rehearsals and courses. I have my own business. I know mums who go away for regular weekends. I also know mums who train for running races and go away for the whole day to compete. I think for any partner you need to talk about the time up front and make sure your partner gets time off too. And if it is your turn to go out, then do - rather than stay in - it makes it clearer and you get a life too

I think once per fortnight would be fair TBH.