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am quite tearfull over this, as previously I have juggled four children , running a home, and a couple of part time jobs for years. Had to stop three years ago as I fell ill, and have only recently got over two fairly major medical problems. I still work as a MSA at my primary school, but its so little money, I need to add at least £100+ to my income.
I am soo upset that I have to go through all that stress again, I do believe that four kids are a full time job. I have no back up if they are ill, or earn enough to pay for childcare.
So the job has to fit in with school times and term dates.
Even now I find myself struggling with housework and washing at weekends, along with ferrying kids around, adding up a whole mon - fri with no chance to clean house, do the shopping , sort out school paperwork etc etc etc, its going to be a non life again.
To cap it all off, hubby brought his football season ticket, this month,(£900+) then worked out that we really need more monthly income , and then pointed out that I need to go back to work.
I want to stay with my kids out of school term time, but feel that working full time would be less or the same workload than part time. little difference, because i would still be required to do it all. hubby leaves home early , comes home late, would be of little help. and certainly, the weekend footy, and cricket stuff, means I am on my own fairly frequently.
However my income from full time work would be going back to management levels , which would mean before school hours and evenings.
I did tell hubby I would settle for cleaning jobs, as I could scrub peoples floors for less stress in between school hours than anything else. He was horrified, and doenst think I should do something like this.
any other job will interfere with the kids after school clubs etc, and lead to many complications.
but the nasty bottom line is money. we need it, food bills alone have jumped up, let alone heating , petrol, so have to find something.
am cross , frustarated, and tearfull.....it all seems so shitty.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Personally, I find one child a full-time job, so I dread to think what four must be like!
It sounds like your family as a whole needs to tighten its belt and decide whether certain items really count a necessities or not. In which case, I might be asking my DH whether a season ticket is really necessary... Is it important enough to send you out to work against your wishes for?
I would be pretty cross if DP spent that amount of money on something, when money was tight. That could sort Christmas and birthday presents out for the year!
I personally think that 4 children and a husband and a house to run is more than a fulltime job.
You are already working full time doing everything for 5 other people. Sorry to be harsh, but your DH needs a serious reality check. 900 quid on a season ticket and then he tells you money is tight? Drrr, yes, shitwit, and its tight because of you.
I speak as a full time working out of home mother so I'm not anti women working, you just sound like your hands are full enough.
Why is it OK to your DH for you to clean his house for nothing but not to clean fo other people for money? What an arse (sorry, not really helping)
I too would be a bit pissed off with him, how would you feel about working a night shift £75 or so for anight depending on where and who you work for - when I say a night shift was thinking in hospital or rest home?
Because yes if it's a month, then he could cut out that season ticket and you'd be almost there.
I totally respect your wish to be there for your kids and basically it looks to me you could approach it two ways;
work full time in a higher level job and use a childminder/school club for the hours you need, and get a cleaner. For you this could actually be an easier, simpler way of life!
The other way of looking at it is to do as you suggest and fit in some cleaning, or even shop work - local co-op? In about September marks and sparks and lots of other places usually recruit for christmas and sometimes people stay on permanently.
So what if your DH doesn't like the idea? He can't say you need to bring in more money then say no when you offer to earn it. It's your life, your labour - you do what you want.
And of course he needs to contribute by economising and HELPING you
its £100 per week, to make our outcomes balance. I am so fed up with years of juggling part time work and the home and kids etc, I am seriously considering go back full time.
He might make more of an effort to contribute in the home as we would both be working full time.
However a good portion of my money would go on child care, for youngest , before and after school. My other three children would be expected to get up and get themselves to school (and lock up house on their own.) which , is going to be tricky , cant see my two teenagers getting out of bed on time, let alone remembering to shut front door. As they have forgotten to in the past!
During half terms, and summer hols etc, he would have to work from home, and for two weeks during summer. I am not sure his job is that flexiable, he currently only works one day a week at home.
my other concern is that my work patterns would include late shifts. We cant leave three kids alone from after school, until 7.30 . Also after school club is only until 6pm, would have to get older son to pick daughter up and baby sit until I come home.
I suspect the most I will earn with a job with low responsibilty will be 12 -13 a year. Anything higher and i would be expected to step in if low in staff, meaning longer hours at work and organsising childcare at home by phone. max year 16-18 a year.
Have no back up for sick child, and to throw yet another spanner in the works, have a child with lots of severe allergy probs, and he is often off school. I am not that much a soft touch, and push him to go , but school nurse does call and report that he is sick.
If I go back part time, I will quickly sink in to exhaustion, if i go back full time, and he pulls his weight more, by being a more hands on parent, things might just work.
I am not superwoman, I refuse to be superwoman.
He asked me last night what he had done wrong. I couldnt be bothered to tell him, because if he doesnt know now, he will never understand. Quite frankly can see our marriage going down the pan, i certainly wont have the energy reserves for it when I am working. sleep after a long long day, every day would be my requirement, certainly wont have time for conversation. My day will be a non stop time table, that I have to change at the last min, or plan the next day ahead. pretty shit life isnt it?!
oh williamsmummy I do feel for you. It is a grind and it is hard isn't it.
I think it might help to write a list of what needs to be done. I'm a big believer in seeing things written down and have written to my DH on one occasion in order that we both DEALT with things
It seems that for you the most realistic option for life actually feeling cope-able is for you to "go back full time, and he pulls his weight more, by being a more hands on parent"
I think you need to communicate this to him really clearly and strongly and you need I think to literally write down the plan so that it's there in black and white - pin it up in the kitchen!
Also, try not to think too far ahead; there ARE difficulties in being a working parent but none of us would do anything if we looked at all the 'what if's' before we took any steps.
If you have the understanding between you that you are BOTH JOINTLY responsible for sorting out cover for any ill children/inset days/parents evenings then it will be much easier than if it comes down on you.
If your older children are given the clear responsibility to lock up and get themselves to school, they may well surprise you with their level of sensible-ness. My brother and I took ourselves off to school and back in the house on our own from quite young - about ten I think - and there were never any problems.
Don't take life all on your shoulders
Share it out between all the family
I think you sound like an absolute rock and a star, but it's time to grow some sloping shoulders
I do think working full time, while it does have it's difficulties, actually has the potential to be less stressful for YOU
What about childminding? I know plenty of childminders who only have one or two children and offer a more specialist care to fit in with their own family.
I really feel for you, what a prat spending all that money on a football ticket, what's wrong with watching it on TV? (by the way i can't stand football). If my DH spent money like that on a luxury and then told me to work more, i'd deck him! Seriously, can't you get the teenagers to clean the house, make up a rota for everyone to do their bit? You should not feel like you have to be superwoman, they really don't exist not in real life Good luck with your decisions.
What a difficult decision, personally I would second the night shift idea, you would probably be able to make up the short fall, in addition if it was a friday night your ( not so d) h would have to agree to FULL responsibilty for the dc's on the saturday till say 1600 to allow you to sleep and catch up, this would put paid to his activities but WTF does he expect with 4 children ( this would also save money as he wouldn't be able to full use his season ticket so he could sell it....
Seriously I do think you need to have a serious chat / letter to your dh and start communicating how you are feeling as if something is done your relationship really will be down the pan..... at least by talking you can see if it is salavgable
Just had another thought he could always take the children with him whether you're working or not, sounds like you need some me time anyway might limit the beers etc if he drinks .... and again another great money saver by doris..... <off now to moneysaving expert with new childcare saving tips....>
Yes expat I agree, don't take on the burden yourself alone. It needs to be shared and some solutions need to be found together. Don't assume responsibility or you'll be left sorting it all out.
I am still feeling bitter,........last month suggested we sell the 2nd car, but he wasnt too happy with that. I said fine, but I expect him not to be surprised when I have no more money to spend, again.
any simple economy I make is not good enough, from cheap food own shop brands of baked beans to suggesting that a footy season ticket it a very very expensive luxury.
I am fed up of feeling guilty when I spend money on the kids, and can fully understand that were we live is expensive ( re cost of housing) and that living on one income is almost impossible with one wage. I really wanted to be near home for at least until my youngest gets to senior school, or after her first year there. personally I feel that one parent should be in charge of caring for the kids, you do need to keep tabs on your teens. Which is difficult to do if you are not home very often.
i am sure deep down hubby is aware of all this, but the reality is two incomes are much more comfortable.
did consider childminding, but as its some years since babies /young children were in house, it would take money to buy safety stuff and equipment and take some time to sort out things re - registering.
also it would have its drawbacks, what mother would accept her infant being driven around with teenage boys and guitars to lessons ? or hanging around in a ballet school until 6pm ? mothers want their careers to look after their children, I have plenty of my own to look after, and that mindee would have to fit around a large , busy , active family.
part time children wouldnt bring in much money, which would be better, do love babies though.
am running through ideas, and ringing up people for job applications.
I am just about to start childminding for a similar reason.
You can earn quite alot of money - my current childminder charges me £3.75 per hour. You would probably only need one full timer and you would be fine - plus you would save money on all of your childcare/afterschool costs.
It takes about 12 weeks - which isn't too long. The council gives you £300 to buy essential equipment and pay for your insurance etc. They then also pay for you to do qualifications and courses. I intend to do the NVQ3 in childcare (or similar) then when my little ones are grown up more I could try and get a job in a school and work term time.
If you like children (as in other people's) it is a great option.
BTW - my childminder made well over £25K last year so if you take it seriously can be a good career move.
Can't you get a job which only works school hours? We have 4 dc between us (some are young adults/teenagers) and I work 4 days per week. It is hellish in term time, but do catch up in school holidays. Also my ds who is 14 manages to lock up every morning, although I do ake him up before I leave
YANBU in not wanting to work, your DH is unreasonable buying the season ticket though! I have 4 kids and DH works f/t doing shifts which vary from week to week. I am knackered just doing housework and ferrying kids around. I also help in school and am doing an OU degree. This is my job as far as I am concerned. Me being home actually saves money as we don't have a second car (we share) or use childcare etc.
I think the reality is that very many people are in the position you're in. Housing, fuel, food, EVERYTHING costs a hell of a lot these days, and I would imagine it's a very small proportion of families who can afford to live on one income. You explain your situation in depth, and one thing that strikes me is that none of your children are really small any more. You mention the youngest being at school and needing before and after childcare and the older ones being able to get themselves up and off to school in the morning. Before and after school care and some holiday care (given that you and your DH will be able to take some leave during school hols) is NOT that horrendous. It should certainly be worth your while working. It's pre school care that really costs, when you're paying for the entire day. With older children like yours, I think it's the feeling of juggling so many different routines that is the hard thing - getting them to clubs etc, sorting homework etc. But a good routine can work wonders. I would be very tempted in your situation to bite the bullet and go back full time. It puts you in a MUCH stronger bargaining position with your DH when you both work full time. Insist that he does his fair share of drop offs and pick ups, housework, shopping etc. Also, full time work tends to give you more recognition, and may lead to greater opportunities. You have been very fortunate to have all the preschool years with your children. They arent tiny any more, you can get out there into the world of work and make a big difference to the family finances. I think usually there's a fair amount of housework etc that can go by the board. When you are a SAHM, you tend to invent things that need doing (I certainly did on maternity leave) whereas once you are working outside the home, your realise that you can often cut back on the chores.
I agree with alot of what you say Alfies. For me, certainly, not working has NEVER been a possibility though in ds pre-school years we made major sacrifices so I could only work two days; we sold our house, even.
Now we are in a smaller house and ds is at school and there is no choice for me but to work; and many, many countless families are in this position
I would choose to work much more part time, if I could - however I don't have that choice so I appreciate instead the chance to, as alfies says, de-stress MY life by making it clear that chores and responsibility for ds are split right down the middle; and to give ds a good example of both parents working and striving to be the best they can at their jobs etc
hubby can offer no support if I go back full time. his job is not that flexiable.
I am going to applie for a part time job, and some of that money will go to child care for youngest. There will certainly be no/little support from hubby. certainly because he works a long day, and his mother is ill. weekends are equally busy for him.
as for trimming the budgets, well have done so far, but have too many children for that ! if you understand the expense of four kids!! and hubby will not trim or scarifice enough in some areas.
From first conversation with new job application, they asked about my doing extra hours on top. so can see myself working 20+++ hours with this job, and juggling four kids, home etc. just as I have done a thousand times before, until I have some sort of health problem from being too run down.
you know what I really dread my hubby saying...............oh! lets use the extra money for a weekend away with the kids!
which, oh, joy! will = extra+++ work preparing for the trip, all that washing school uniform before hand, packing , and doing homeowkr early................and me, getting there more tired than I have ever been during a normal week. I WILL HIT HIM if he does this...........
Is it possible to sit down with DH and explain that if you work half-time, and he works full-time, then you expect the housework/childcare to be split 1/3 : 2/3?
It's completely ridiculous to protect your DH from doing housework on the basis that his job is inflexible and his mother has to be cared for, but then take up all the slack yourself so that you develop stress problems. It's a non-starter.
If you do go back to work, then don't just invest in childcare. Invest in a cleaning lady and a gardener as well. You don't want to get ill again.
If you think one of his first thoughts would be to use this 'extra money' for a weekend away, and you know it's about making ends meet, then it's clearly a communication thing between you
It really does sound as if you need to assert yourself and tell your dh how it is down here on planet earth. And yes, the older kids really should be doing alot to help you in the house but your DH should be doing something at least; kids are very aware of unfairness!
I think you need to be your own best friend and your own advocate. At the moment your family, while no doubt they love you to pieces, will use you up - literally. Until you get a serious illness.
None of them are going to protect you...you need to protect yourself. Go for it.
Had you considered and discarded the idea of expanding on your work in a school environment. I have quite a few friends working 10-25 hours a week in schools. Those doing more than 15 hours are earning well in excess of £100 a week and on the whole the arrangements work well, aside from the odd inset or training day. You may need to undertake an NVQ training course on-job but that might not be a bad thing. Many of us, myself included, totally change our views on working post-children and end up with a totally different career path. My sister does the breakfast club at her local primary, then an hour as a Learning Support Assistant, returns to do her MSA and then half an hour LSA again. In her previous incarnation she was an environmental health officer! Do what you must without compromising family life if family life is your priority. I myself have answered phones at the local emergency drs till 2am, done dinner duty at a school and supported an autistic child in class for 15 hrs a week. Now doing a bit of book-keeping at home. No more civil service for me!
if he is unwilling to compromise on the amount of childcare and housework he does, then why should you compromise going to work so he can pay for stuff he doesn't need?
if he wants that stuff so badly, then he can either muck in around the home whilst you work, or get a second job.
Williamsmummy please don't agree to anything that is too much for you
One thing I have learned about stress issues is the way they affect personal "elasticity"
Once the elastic has lost its stretchiness, it's very difficult to get more out of it. And that difficulty is only exacerbated as you get older.
I used to be able to work 60 hour weeks with horrible pressurised deadlines and ultra-demanding clients no sweat in my thirties. It's much harder in my forties.
might limit the beers etc if he drinks .... and again another great money saver by doris..... <off now to moneysaving expert with new childcare saving tips....> 
