Have been back at work 2 weeks and have been leaving my DS with my Mum. I am so grateful to her for having him and feel relieved that he is with someone that I know loves him and will take good care of him.

When I picked him up tonight he was in his pyjamas with wet hair. I asked why and she said she had bathed him. I have asked her not to because bathing him is part of my routine with him....do I sound selfish?

I like to be the one to bath him so that he is then ready for his bottle and a nice cuddle before bed.

Tonight he was so ready for his bottle (because he had been bathed already) that I got no time with him at all. He was whiney,miserable and tired and I only got 10 minutes with him before I had to put him in his cot.

I feel really annoyed and angry and miserable. Am I being unreasonable? I dont want to hurt her feelings because not only is she doing me a huge favour, Im really grateful to her....but I dont want her to bathe him.....

Any suggestions?

tough one a working mums guilt not enough hours in the day.
Was he particularly tired today ? By the sounds of it he was ready for bed maybe if mum had left him he would have had a melt down anyway ?

YANBU. I fully expected to say YABU before reading the op. It's your only time with him and it's unfair of your mother to rob you of it.
How many days do you work?

I think you need to nip it in the bud TBH. ITs always more difficult in a way when your Mum looks after your LO (mine did, with DD) - she tried to help where I didn't wnat her to (similar things) and I ended feeling upset.

I talked to her and told her tha I knew it was a bit silly, but I REALLY want to bath DD myself as its part of my nighttime cuddle time etc and she understood.

YANBU

He may have been particularly tired, but I can understand how you feel about missing htis time with DS.

agree with mamaG - if its your routine, explain that to your mum, i'm sure she'll understand.

yanbu as you want that time with him but if he was "whiney,miserable and tired" then would you have been able to bath him anyway.
ps my mum would have commented something a long the lines of he can't go out with wet hair- catch his death etc.
try to see it from her point aswell- she was trying to make life easier after your day at work.
ps i know going back to work is hard ((((((hugs))))))))

Yes, tell her how you feel, but tell her gently because she really believes she is doing it help you.

I would gently ask that she not do it again and then every now and agin ask her if she would like to, it is then up to you but she doesn't miss out. Perhaps tell her your were really sad about it and not angry, she may be the mother of an adult but she'll still have motherly guilt!!

YABU

Maybe he was tired and she thought she was doing you a favour? If she did it EVERY night then yes, you could be p*ssed off but if this is the first time in 2 weeks do you not think that maybe you are being a touch unreasonable??

yes maybe i am being unreasonable and Im sure she was only trying to help. she did say that she bathed him because she wanted to and she knows he enjoys a bath.

I dont know, maybe Im just tired and miserable. im finding returning to work really tough and i miss him so much during the day. i feel kind of resentful that she bathed him because its my only fun with him when im working....oh sod it, im crying again now....

thanks for all the input ladies..

another day tomorrow!

going back to work is so hard , maybe mention to your mum, if she has done it just because she wants too then that's not fair but he did sound as if he was very tired.
Can you not agree mum does it one night and you do the rest.
I am sure she probably has no idea how you feel and thought she was helping.

She probably bathed him because he was tired, miserable and whiney-if he had been wide awake and playful she wouldn't have needed to. You need to tell her that the reason you don't want her to is because it is your special time-she probably didn't realise. Not everyone sees it this way-I loved bath time and did it every night as part of the routine, but there was a thread very recently where people see it as a chore and do it only when necessary.

Oh going back to work is TOUGH

Poor you

Read the threads about SAHM v WOHM, and I think (even though I stay home) that it's worth working in the end!! Shhh, don;t let on that I said that...just between us!!

Myfair don't cry! I felt exactly the same as you, you will still feel raw about going bacvk to work.

TAlk to your mum, but in a non-confrontational way

Hard one - You know I have a MIL that will do things that annoy me - after many years I have learnt that is is better all round to have someone willing to step in and do what they think might be best, rather than someone who is not willing to do anything because I might get upset.

My MIL will do anything I ask and more because I have never said "don't". And my mother, is lovely, but will not to attempt to help (or think on her feet) incase I say don't.

Will she feel deeply hurt, will she every again try to help, will she only do things on her terms in the future. Its a tough one.

okay now ive read some of your posts i can see that maybe she thought she was doing me a favour. thanks ladies...i knew i was over reacting to this.

ive had a tough day at work and have cried buckets tonight because my time with him was robbed. an over reaction me thinks!

abbey, i like you have always enjoyed the nightly routine. its how we start out wind down to bed time and i love it. im sure she didnt realise (Even though ive told her a million times!)....

will try and tell her tomorrow that i like to bathe him and how its part of our routine...will have to try and be gentle about it because i really dont want to hurt her feelings.

Sorry you started crying when I was tying.

Don't be sad. Its hard. I have been there.

Sometimes my DD's need an early night, and I have to bath and dinner them early so DH doesn't get so much time with them

Dont you think he would have been as tired without having a bath first? If she has a bath with him, is there something else you can do to wind down to bedtime? A book and a cuddle? Some singing?

i seem to cry a lot lately and have never been like that. just feel so tired, worn out and emotionally drained from returning to work. i know that sounds dramatic but i just feel like i cant cope with it all.

ds has always gone to bed at 7.15 after his bath and bottle. now i get home from work at 6.45 it doesnt leave me much time. bath time is the only time we share when i get in and its hard to accept that she did that with him and left me with a tired baby who just wanted bottle and bed.

thanks for understading ladies, its nice to know im not alone in this!

She was probably trying to help you, save you a job, and calm down a tired DS. However, YANBU, because bath time is a special time for you and DS now you're back at work. Still, don't be too hard on your Mum, she was trying to help you. And don't be too hard on yourself. TBH, the bath time is probably as much for you as for him (am a working Mum so understand the guilt bit) His bath with Gran will have bought you extra story/snuggle time so enjoy it, and use any left over time for YOU - you deserve it. Just say to her that unless there is a really good reason (like, he is so tired and inconsolable that bath time is the only answer) that you would prefer to bath him because it's your special time. Don't alienate her and don't beat yourself up, sounds like you have a lovely arrangement and it needs to work for all of you.

It's really hard going back to work isn't it? I think if your mum was doing this every day, you should be annoyed but today, when it was so hot and your DS was getting fractious? I think you are a bit although I totally understand why you are upset.

My mum looks after my DS one day a week and sometimes she does stuff with him that I think is 'mine' as his mum. But then I remember that she's his grandmother, she gives him great care (and love!) and that however much he loves her, he loves me more.

Having your mum look after him is soooo much better than childcare that I think the odd transgression is well worth it.

I think she is doing you a favor but its not only your fun, but part of his bedtime routine as well.

However, maybe she did it because he was very hot today...? <<<straws>>>

listen to Spicemonster, her post is spot on

you're right lilo, the bathtime is for me really. its just so hard to only see him when he's tired. he really enjoys his bathtime and loves to splash around.when bathtime is over he is instantly tired and ready for bed. i just feel that tonight i missed out on seeing him have fun.

im tired and being unreasonable...im going to gently remind her tomorrow that i enjoy bathtimes and would prefer her to allow me to do them....

either that or my DS will have to have two baths every night!!!!! (joke...im really not that selfish!!!)

There there, dry your eyes.

It IS hard. Lots of us have been where you are now. It does get easier I promise.

I used to pick DD up occasionally from the CM (DH usually did it) and then if she didn't leap into my arms smiling would go into the park with her and cry my eyes out thinking that she loved the CMs more than me.

Of course she didn't and doesn't and I never think those thoughts now. I still miss her like crazy but all our time together is really special (yes even when shes sick, when I am stressed, when she is crying as well as the happy fun times) and we are really as close as any parent and child could be. And you will be too with your DS even if you do occasionally have a "bad evening". I totally know why you feel upset you want every moment to be perfect but reality is that sometimes he will be grumpy and extra tired (and maybe need an early bath) etc and your time will still be perfect.

My top tip - put him in bed with you on nights like this - at least you will enjoy cuddling him all night (and he will like it too). I don't co-sleep all the time (althought a lot) but its an amazing tonic for a stressed out working mum who needs more time with her child than she is allowed to spend to have those nights together (and to watch them waking up in the morning).

spicemonster....i think you have hit the nail on the head for sure. i really have been feeling like he loves her more now (god, i hate how pathetic im sounding right now).

i have to keep reminding myself thats all in my mind but i really feel like he doesnt need me anymore

I should tell her how you feel and that you had a cry-as your Mum she should be understanding. I was very lucky and was a sahm, if I had had had to work I think that I would have been in tears a lot. From her point of view it would have made sense, it was hot, he was tired and she was saving you a job.I am sure that you can point out how important it is to you without upsetting her.

thanks anniemac...i can totally relate to the crying part! i am feeling so many mixed emotions i feel like they are out of control. i gave up breastfeeding 4 weeks ago and this is adding to my emotional feelings.

i have spent a ton of time jsut watching him sleep tonight...feel like the feelings i have are wrong but now understand its okay to feel the way i do...thanks so much everyone, i feel more normal now after all your responses.

Was going to add that one of the main reason those first weeks are so hard is because since your DS was born he has been "yours". You decided everything, you did everything for him, you felt naked without him in your arms.

Suddenly you are having to entrust that to someone else, maybe its easier for you if its your mum but its still tough just like it is for those of us who passed their precious little babes to other carers. Its heart wrecnhcing having to "cut the tie" like that and pass over to somebody else.

I have since heard lots of SAHMS tell me that they are possessive of their kids and don't like letting anybody else do anything with them, well I think that it a trait that all mothers have out of instinct, we WOHMs are just forced to put it to one side a bit more quickly and pass some physical responsibility. And its very tough, you are bound to have nights like this but you will get used to it and your DS will still be well loved and well cared for and will still love you the most.
Thats why in some ways it gets easier, when they are tiny their physical needs are quite easily met by any array of adults but you will relaise as he gets older that his emotional needs will always be best met by you.

You're not weird at all to worry about him loving her more! When I go and visit my mum, my DS cries and holds his arms out to her and I absolutely hate it. But at the same time, when I come home from work, he holds his arms out to me. I have recently realised he enjoys the attention

Facetiousness aside, it is very hard and you would be a bit odd if you didn't find it so IMO. It does get easier though, I promise. Seven months on, I'm delighted my DS adores my mum - means I can go out without feeling at all guilty!

oh poor you, I wemt back to work when my DS wa two and that was soooooo hard as we only had a short time together every day before he was off to bed.

would it be financially possible or workload possible to cut your hours? even an hour a day so you are getting home a bit earlier and can spend that time with him, and have a chance that he will still be perky enough to share some quality time?

I really feel for you, but if it's any consolation, it does get easier when you get into a routine.

another idea, could you talk to your mum as suggested, but maybe agree one day a week where she gets him ready for bed so you get your time, and she gets to feel she is helping out too?

sounds like he was ready for it imo but can understand why you are upset. i would explain that to your mum though

oh annie, that was so beautifully put. thank you. that is exactly how i have been feeling. for the past 9 months i have felt like has been mine and mine alone. since giving up breastfeeding and returning to work i have felt like he doesn't need me as much. it hurts to feel that.

you are right...i love to think that his emotional needs will always be met by me.

this whole motherhood thing isn't easy is it? i never knew i could be this emotional! have never felt half the feelings i feel now.

ALso play around with routines to suit you, longer nap in day or later waking up time, slightly later bed time for example.

Yes motherhood is a wonderful thing isnt it.

When things are hard I remind myself that I work to look after my family and its also an act of unselfish loving regardless of what anyone else may ever think. Don't ever let anybody ever make you think that you or your DS love each other any less just because you work because as you know tonight it would be quite impossible for anybody to love anybody any more than what you feel. As he gets older you will see that he loves and appreciates you too.

Sounds like a tough day - I found going back to work (3 months ago when DS was 6 months old) really tough, but it does get a bit easier (though I still have v wobbly days). I'd definitely try playing about with routines as well - and get your mum on board with this. They change their pattern so much all the time anyway, that you might be able to work some flexibility into your routine so you get more time together. When I work a long day on Fridays and don't get back till 7, DH tries (not always successfully!) to get DS to have a wee micro nap about 4, he then runs the whole evening routine on a bit later so that DS is ready for a story and feed with me when I get home (usually he's off to sleep by 6.45). Maybe asking your mum for help with this would be a good way to let her know just how important this evening time is to you, but also give her a role in the process.

The co-sleeping thing really worked for me especially as DD was a terrible sleeper. I would bring her in with us the first time she woke up in the night - meant I could sleep and we had time cuddling together - DH secretly liked it too.

She still comes in with us quite a lot.

She is really affectionate and cuddly and I am sure its partly to do with this. Plus she still sleeps easily in our bed which has some real advantages IMO.

Absolutely agree on the co-sleeping - it is so nice at the end of the day. Feel like we get time together even if he's asleep during it!

It is still time together! Maintaining the physical closeness is important when you are working so much.

So much easier when they are sick etc too (sorry getting sidetracked)

Grrr.

I'm sure if you explain it properly to your mum and describe what happened when you got home this evening she will understand.

However, part of me feels that YABU because I would have KILLED to have this kind of support with my babies

I can understand why you're upset, but it sounds like your mum was only trying to help.

Could you kill two birds with one stone? Get her to give him a bath during the day to settle him for one of his naps. Hopefully he'll then sleep a bit longer and you can keep him up a bit later at night (and aso give him another bath then).

And agree about the co-sleeping, it's fab.

I think that since you've only been back 2 weeks, you're naturally feeling a bit sensitive. Blimey, I know of someone whose mum used to pay someone to come and bath their children. Give it a bit longer and you'll be on the 'phone BEGGING for her to bath him! XXXX

I understand how you feel, but it may have been a one-off and, if your dd enjoys it anyway, there's nothing to stop you giving her another bath is there?!

hi ladies,
Im having a much calmer day today. I lost sleep over it last night but came to the conclusion that I was being unreasonable and she was only trying to help.

After such a bad day at work (being told that anyone who returns to work after maternity leave is pretty much useless!!!!) I felt totally deflated when the one thing I had been looking forward to all day had already been done.

I told my Mum that I was upset last night and she said she understood. I haven't mentioned the bath but I think it may have been a one off.

THank you all so much for all your help and for the wonderful support. You make me feel normal! wooohoooo!

I know that I'm getting in a bit late here, but TOTALLY sympathise. I went back to work 3 weeks ago, leaving my baby in the care of a totally fab nanny. A week ago she bathed him (which like you is my job) and she was totally right to do so - (he was really tired and hadn't slept properly at lunchtime) but I cried and cried after she left and felt really left out. You sound like you are better today which is great. Just trust me, your son loves you just as much and no one will ever ever be more important to him than you. Take care. xx

PS you sound like a wonderful Mum!

LyraSilver,

Don't get the "Grr". What is that for?

Maintaining closeness?

No, nothing like that. Ignore it.

Holly, Im so sorry to hear that you had the same experience as me (although have to say, you have made me feel totally normal by telling me about it!)

I thought about it afterwards and realised that she was just doing what was right for my DS. I was being selfish but then who can blame me! Going back to work is tough and when you look forward to the little time you get with them its kind of heartbreaking to have that taken away.

I had a day off today and was feeling unloved because he didn't seem to be having fun with me....it was totally irrational but couldnt help thinking i was boring him because he was cranky!

I really hope that week 4 at work will be better for both of us!

Big hugs