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My dad has plenty of money and ds is the only and first grandchild. We live abroad and I emailed a list of presents that I thought ds would like, ranging in price from 8 to 70 pounds, thinking he would enjoy looking in ELC. He called to say that he has got the one for 8 pounds and that was it. Am really upset and dont know if I should let it slide or make something of it with him.....
Let it go ... your ds won't notice ! Maybe he'd prefer to put something into an account for when he is older than buy things for the sake of it espeically if ti is hard ot get them to you. Perhaps you should have been more specific if it meant so much to you.
He's a year old and he won't even remember it - I really think the pricetag is irrelevant. Personally I get annoyed with family spending crazy amounts of cash on presents for my baby, who doesn't appreciate them and just wants to play with the wrappers. It's wasteful and pointless, IMO.
It's not up to you tell your dad how much to spend on your child, regardless of how much money he has. I can see why you might bge peeved about it, but money is really not the be all and end all of everything, My kids have loved the cheapest things bought for them.
Has he got to post it to you? I would have thought a smaller present would be more practical in this instance anyway
At least he has actually bothered to buy him something - you cannot tell him how to spend his money, I'm a afraid.
sorry but I think yabu. ds will still like the present, he will have no concept of monetary value. My dad doesn't splash out big time on dd either, and he has plenty of money. He adores her though and spends time doing things with her. I think this is more important, really.
I try to make myself believe that it's the thought that counts! We got married a few years ago and 2 friends gave us salad servers. I have to admit I slightly meanly thought that a bit mean given what we spent per head on guests! BUT actually what irritates me more is my very close girlfriend (and sort of best woman/witness) didn't get us anything! She's broke apparently.... but a small 'thought that counts' present would have meant I'd have forgotten it by now!!
Ideally I try (altho it's very hard sometimes) not to have any expectations whatever the perceived 'wealth' of the giver!
i would be cheesed off, but only because it was the least expensive its like he looked at list and thought which is the cheapest, like what you do when buying strangers a present from a wedding gift list!!
Do you think that spending vast amounts of money somehow makes up for the fact that you live away from your dad and he, presumably, doesn't see much of his grandchild? Because it doesn't, you know. The amount he spends means bugger all in the scheme of things.
And if you didn't want the item which was £8, maybe you shouldn't have put it on the list ...
it depends - was the eight pond present nice? Why in any event are you sending present lists for your child.
( if you sent me a present list for a child I am pretty sure I would send back the cheapest thing on it - especially as a 12 month old will only be interested in eating the box )
Seriously. My 5 year old DD still cries for her grandad who she lost when she was such a little girl. I know this is heavy on emotionality but there really are more important things to be upset about. I would love me dad still to be around buying her hopelessly inapproprairte presents as well as shouting noisily at my son ( who has communication difficulities dad - he's not deaf ) seriously - let it go
Yes, YABU, and sound a bit materialistic, sorry. Does it matter how much a present costs? Especially as it's one you chose as something your child would like. As RubySlippers says, a one year old will have no concept of worth. You'll probably find that one £8 present is more loved than anything more extravagant. Babies are contrary like that
Did you put the £8 thing first on the list? If it were my Father, he would try to get in and out as quickly as possible. Regardless of the money I think YABU to presume that your father would enjoy browsing in the ELC!
YABU. A gift is a gift and I don't really believe in asking or expecting a certain thing or amount. If anything, people spend too much these days. Also, older people, even if 'well off' don't like spending alot as maybe they have been through very hard times and £8 is alot to them probably.
Totally unreasonable, agree with wwwb why put it on the ist if you didnt want it. You could go to the poundshop for a present for your ds's birthday he really wouldnt care. From the sounds of it hes going to be brought up to be very materialistic.
My dad sends money for the DSs because he is clueless when it comes to small children. This is the man that bought a skateboard for DS1 when he was born - despite my dad having no interest in skateboarding and DS1 being incapable of holding up his head, let alone executing complicated moves on a skateboard. I can only guess that it was cheap in Woolies.
Speaking of my Dad, as a quick aside, my dad is a bit deaf (years of standing next to speakers at hippy gigs) and when DS2 was born, DP rang him up and said that we had called the baby Eoin (pron Owen) but my dad misheard and thought he'd saidf Alan. I got cards and phonecalls from my family in Ireland saying "Congratulations on the birth of baby Alan"
I could almost hear them across the Irish sea saying "B'jaysus! They've called the little fecker Alan! Jeepers! That's brutal!"
Personally, I find it hard to bring myself to buy things from a pre-set list - for an anniversary for my mil once we were skint, so I spent literally three weeks making homemade bits & pieces - marinated feta, chutneys, some weird orange and clove liqueur thing that smelled unholy - anyway, I used the resources I had as lovingly as I could, and EIGHT DAYS before the event received a note saying "This year the whole family have agreed to buy us parts of a dinner service we're collecting".
Don't send lists, or assume. Expectation of generosity kills the joy for the giver, ime.
You are being totally unreasonable, but you should know that. I can't believe you are thinking of "making something of it" with him. Get over it and be grateful that you still have a dad and that he wants to send a present.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but my children barely knew my dad and still treasure the charity shop books and old coins he sent them before he died.
I don't like the bit about being the first grandchild. So what if it is his 1st, 3rd or 7th grandchild. Are you saying your ds should get a bigger gift because he is the first (and only) grandchild?
Agree with the person who has mentioned P&P. By the time you add P&P to the gift it can add up to quite a bit of money.
chances are the list pissed him off and he had his own ideas about what he thought he might buy. Perhaps he has something else in mind.
I must admit, MIL will usually ask what to buy DDs so i pick something relatively cheap but nice, she buys that, and often another little thing that she has seen - my mother goes OTT, but DD is only 2 and coudlnt give a shit, i could though, i have stuff everywhere
Sheik - LOL at skateboard...I guess he wanted his grandchild to be a bit cool? You can never start too young y'know.
To OP My husbands father has NEVER sent a card, present, phoned or in any way shape or form acknowledged my children's birthdays or christmas, so I do think you need a bit of a reality check.
BUT, maybe your dad thought the list was in order of preference?
But seriously, he: -worked to earn the money
-looked at the list, and obviously cared enough to pay attention
-went out to buy the present
-wrapped it, got it ready for posting
-went to the hell that is many post offices, waited in line etc
-paid for the post
I think that constitutes alot of effort.
Triple points if he gave an appropriate card and filled it in himself.
I think YABU. A one year old does not need expensive presents and you will soon be groaning under toys and tut as he gets older or you have more children.
That is what you get for being cheeky. You sent him a list? WTF...
No wonder he got the cheapest pressie. You deprived him of the joyous task of chosing one for himself. I would have done the same thing if my children sent me a list of present ranging from 8 till 70 pounds. Greed is what I call it.
Come back nocluemum!!!!!! we don't bite, or bear grudges.
If it's any consolation, I posted a very similar thread on here in December and got an absolute mauling from everyone and I'm still here to tell the tale
If my dad wants an idea what to send his grandchildren he asks and I give him general pointers like "Dc loves In the night garden and postman pat . We already have x dvd but anything else along those lines would be great thanks".
I don't want him to know I know how much he's spent blah, blah. That's so rude and puts the giver under enormous pressure
You sent a list containing presents up to £70 to someone? For a one year old's birthday? And you ask if he is being unreasonable? This is a joke right?
He did ask for a list btw. Maybe I did come across as grabby and money loving and that is not the case. (she says counting her money )He calls and speaks to me and rarely asks about DS. when we were him last he was always suggesting that we do things in the evening - no thought to babysitter for ds. He has to have ds thrust upon him when he sees him and asking him to look after him while I go to the loo, make tea etc means him sitting there with the paper engrossed in what he is reading and not really looking at him at all. I guess thinking he would buy a nice present for him (and he is going to keep it at his house for when we are next there so postal costs arent even an issue) was more for me to think he does care.
You think money = love. And that may be your experience of your dad, he may have shown you he loved you by buying presents.
You think him buying the cheapest is disinterest right? Maybe that's a hangover from your own childhood. So when he comes over try and involve him in how great your son is.
To be fair, lots of men of that generation weren't particularly involved in their own children's upbringing and wouldn't necessarily be that confident in doing anything other than keep an eye on your DS. Especially if he doesn't see you that often and doesn't feel that DS knows him properly. MIL visited recently and DD screamed every time MIL touched her, she's only 4mths and just reacted to MIL as a random and not very welcome stranger. I felt awful for her, perhaps your dad is worried about a similar reaction from your DS.
A lot of grandparents (and parents for that matter) don't "do" babies in a hands on , interactive way, bearing in mind they've had their own and long got past that stage. So I'm afraid you're being unreasonable and unrealistic on all counts.
I don't think you are really greedy and selfish in sending a list i just think you were trying to prompt your Father into acting like he is bothered enough to buy a nice pressie for your Ds, but in a slight misguided way. Maybe have a talk with your Father about whats bothering you, my dad is hopeless at buying pressies and he not that hands on with the grandchildren but i know he cares and sometimes little things can mean alot.
I bet he bought the first thing on the list - job done (you are talking about a man). He probably thought it was top priority to get as it was top of the list as well.
nocluemum I think you are just not quite understanding that different people feel very differently about babies. I have to say he would not be the first man in the world to have a deep suspicion of wriggling offspring until they can have a sensible conversation.You will find it difficult to have perspective about this because of cousre the child in question is your. And your first. And next time he asks about presents just say that DC likes to play x and y but anything you think they would like would be lovely.
Blimey! DD got absolutely zilch from MIL on her first and second, but on her third she got a bubble blowing thing (50p)! She loved it of course, but it wasn't exactly the first or only one she'd had.
Mind you, I think first birthday is important to parents more than to the infant! He'll be happy with the box.
By the way, to be fair to MIL, she has been putting money into an account for dd every month since she was 3.
NCM, you can only talk to him about it. I doubt he will change though. You just have to accept his dissinterest and get on with things. There is no point in getting upset about it, just enjoy your lovely ds, and move on.
£8 is a bit tight though, unless he's hard up (but then you wouldn't be sending him lists up to £70 if he was).Maybe his circumstances have changed and he's not told you.
"He calls and speaks to me and rarely asks about DS. when we were him last he was always suggesting that we do things in the evening - no thought to babysitter for ds. He has to have ds thrust upon him when he sees him and asking him to look after him while I go to the loo, make tea etc means him sitting there with the paper engrossed in what he is reading and not really looking at him at all. I guess thinking he would buy a nice present for him (and he is going to keep it at his house for when we are next there so postal costs arent even an issue) was more for me to think he does care."
This is a grown man. He should show some bloody interest in his own grandchild. It's nothing to do with money, and that's what I think the op was getting at.
my fil has always just given me £20 per birthday per child and theyve always been thrilled with whtever grandad bought em (altho its me tht chooses it wraps it and gives it back to grandad to hand over)grandad did say £20 doesnt seem as much as it used to BUT grandad is the first to pay half for new shoes alwys buys their blazers and when ds1 got his coat pinched 3 weeks ago grandad was the next day giving me £40 to replace it........
You are being totally unreasonable and risk coming across as greedy. A present costing £8 is fine, no matter whether it's coming from a grandfather or anyone else and no matter whether it's the first or 20th grandchild. And providing a list with ideas up to £70 is unbelievably rude unless you have been asked and given an approximate price range.
If however the issue is that your father shows little interest in your son, that is sad but is a completely different issue. You can feel sad or frustrated about that by all means, and perhaps see if there is anything you can do to change this, or just try to accept it. But the birthday present is separate and has nothing to do with how much a grandparent cares or is interested in their grandchild.
I just think it's not unusual for an older man to feel no connection or interest in a small wriggly baby - they've probably had very little to do with babies in a hands on kind of way and are unsure how to approach them. Loads of men are like this, even younger guys. I don't think sending lists of requests for expensive presents is going to make him feel more of a connection, is it? Probably the best solution is time and when your son grows up a bit and becomes a real little person he'll be able to build a relationship with him. Until then babies probably don't make it onto his radar.
You either need to chill out a bit and accept your dad's approach to grandparenthood or have a sensible conversation with him about how he makes you feel. The important thing here isn't presents or money, and you're reading way too much into it.
When my parents ask for gift suggestions (as they do) I always suggest things in the 8 pound range, it would just seem greedy to ask for something expensive. I feel it would put me on the level of my 5yo niece who asked for a pony. I know my Mum's sending ds a book for his birthday- I have absolutely no interest in knowing whether she paid 15 quid for it or got it cheap in the sales (though I'd hope the latter).
Nocluemum, my MIL came to see my dd today, ostensibly for her birthday (which is a week tomorrow but hey ho). She hasn't bought my daughter a present atall, and as she'll be 7 my daughter will be well aware of that fact - something which you won't have to worry about because your son will be oblivious.
Maybe that's something to think about when you feel yourself getting upset and angry that your father has "only" spent £8 on your child.
at the risk of being jumped on by everybody else, i dont think you are being unreasonable. the baby may not know how little thought money or time went into choosing a gift for his birthday, but you do and in this situation i would also be a bit upset.
I can understand why you may be upset, but you have to remember older people don't think about babies and children in the same way.
Today is ds2's first birthday, we live overseas too. My mum, dsis and best friend sent a card/transferred some money/sent an SMS for him, my dad, db and IL have yet to send anything/text or phone. Is my gorgeous boy bothered? Not in the slightest. Am I bothered. Not in the slightest. I think they must just have not remembered, it doesn't mean they don't love him or don't think about us, its just that we are far away and they have busy lives to lead, sometimes a small persons birthday in a country far away is hard for them to get excited about. I think it is admirable that he even managed to buy something, in advance and that shows he is interested in you and ds.
I don't don't think that it's the price of the gift that is bothering you, is it? My Dad needs prompting to ask about my boys, he adores them, he's just a bit emotionally backward and useless about these things. Don't take it to heart, although I know that it is hard when you live so far away. I'm sure your Dad loves his grandson, just doesn't show it very well
The child isn't going to worry about it. Don't you worry about it either. It's not important.
At least your relatives blooming well remember his birthday. Some of mine don't remember my DCs at all. That annoys me when I'm pretty diligent about birthdays. But not everybody's the same, I know.
if it helps i know what you mean - my parents don't seem to be too interested in my two ds - rarely any presents, even though very very well off, unlike other grandparents who continuosly shower them with presents despite being much much less better off - i feel disappointed for my dss and i know they will grown up and start to realise the difference between the two sets of grandparents and wonder why - also they rarely ask after them and never listen long enough to hear the full answer when they do ask - i think the only way around it is to ignore and hope not too many questions when they grow older - and yes the thought is what counts but really you guys you can't really know what's going on unless you're in the situation
Ds had lots of expensive presents for his 1st birthday. The most special present and the one he still plays with now (in fact takes it everywhere) is a toy lion that cost £2.97 from Asda.
My parents freind who bought it are thrilled that it has become "THE" toy.
I can only guess that it was cheap in Woolies.
so I do think you need a bit of a reality check.
)He calls and speaks to me and rarely asks about DS. when we were him last he was always suggesting that we do things in the evening - no thought to babysitter for ds. He has to have ds thrust upon him when he sees him and asking him to look after him while I go to the loo, make tea etc means him sitting there with the paper engrossed in what he is reading and not really looking at him at all. I guess thinking he would buy a nice present for him (and he is going to keep it at his house for when we are next there so postal costs arent even an issue) was more for me to think he does care. 
