OK, bet that got you reading.

The thing is, he's early January. We're all knackered post-Christmas and he has lots of new toys already. His brother's birthday is in July (much better).

What I am wondering about doing is, from next year (when he's old enough to explain this to): give him one or two tiny symbolic presents, so that he's got something to show off/talk about at school; but turn the birthday celebration into a big treat for him and his brother, something like a day out at Butlins, something that we wouldn't normally do.

Then, on his little brother's birthday, they BOTH get something big. Either to share, or a big present each. (And little brother also gets small birthday gifts like big bro did)

Does that sound fair?

I just think it will make budgeting so much easier in the next few years.

sounds fine to me.

You don't think elder son will grow up with a complex about how I don't think his birthday is as important as his brother?

I'd say not. It's his special day and should be marked as such. It's not his fault he was born at an inconvenient time.

My birthday is Boxing Day and all through my childhood I hated it because I knew I'd get Christmas cake for my birthday treat, all my presents would be 'for your birthday as well' and I really felt that I missed out. A little part of me is still bitter about it now, at 47. I always felt my parents should have made a bit more effort for MY day because everyone else got made a fuss of on theirs.

Give him his birthday. Everyone else gets one so why shouldn't he? You must learn how to budget so that you can factor it in.

Yes, you see Karen, that's what I'm afraid of. But you didn't have a compensatory summer birthday as well, did you?

I think it's a good idea to a certain extent (ie you can't have a bouncy castle party in January) BUT you only get one birthday and it's your special day, whatever day it falls on, and it will always be a bit of a non-event for him if you don't celebrate it in the big way you do for the summer birthday.

To clarify - I was still planning to give him a January birthday party, and his brother one in the summer. Just not a big present as well.

I don't think it's a good idea. I think you should always celebrate their birthdays seperately.

How old are they?

I am not sure about this. Why cant you just postpone his celebration a little, till, say mid february? Give him a present on his birthday, but have his party a little later?
Him having his birthday so close to Christmas should not be relevant and it is not his fault. I know lots of people with Christmas birthdays and they do get both birthday and Christmas presents.

You just have to budget for this child in the year, as you know his birthday will come up.

As he grows up it will become less about presents but remembering him and treating him on his special day. Dont take that away from him. As that is what you are doing. His birthday is turned into a family fun day in summer? nah! And on his brothers birthday? double-nah!

I don't think its fair and it does sound like he could grow up thinking you all feel his brother is more important and special which will cause more problems than its worth.

My dd's birthdays are a couple of months apart and ideally I would have liked them about 6 months apart but i'd never consider not giving them both a proper birthday.

My sister and I have birthdays a month apart (mine is 2 weeks before xmas too) and occasionally we got a joint party but it wouldn't be on mine or hers it would be 2 weeks after hers and 2 weeks before mine and that was when we were very little.

oh I seeeeeee. In that case, I think it sounds like a good idea.

surely you could just budget to allow for his birthday as well as xmas ?

I agree he deserves a special day despite being 'inconvenient' for you.

My ds has a Feb birthday and we hire a church hall for about £20 and have a bouncy castle and party with home made food. It does not have to be expensive.

My dd's birthday in on December 21st. We always celebrate the actual day as a family with maybe one good friend. We go out to lunch and the cinema or something like that. The she has her party in February ( this year it wasn't til March 8th!)

Then, because she was born on the Winter Solstice, she always has two particular friends that she has known since she was a baby for tea on Midsummer day, her half birthday. She gets a present form us then too - when she was little it was a good opportunity to give her something summer related - she got her scooter one year and a paddling pool another.

Only downside, ds has to have a half birthday too, and his birthday is in February!

Recipe for disaster. Unless your son is exceptionally easy going and not jealous of his brother at all (even then I wouldn't risk it). So you want them to hate each other?

Joint present can also be tricky (speaking from experience!)

no it's horrible

I think this is a bad idea. I think joint celebrations for siblings fine when they're really little, but as they get older it is important for them to each "have their day". Your ds would always be the one muscling in on the other's birthday, or having his birthday celebrated at random times. I think that if you do postpone his celebrations, then it should be to the summer to coincide with your other dc, but should be as close as possible to the actual birthday.

Couldn't you budget a smaller-scale Christmas, to accommodate his birthday? I strongly believe that all children in a family should be treated the same, as much as possible, and I do feel that your son will think his brother is getting special treatment that he's not. It just isn't fair. But if you ALL do without a little over Christmas so that he can celebrate his day then the opposite will happen, he'll KNOW he is appreciated and that his birthday is as important as his brother's.

Actually, justbout, I did try having my 'birthday' in July a couple of times but it just didn't work - inside I always knew that it wasn't my birthday and that my special day hadn't been acknowledged the way my sister's had, so I can't agree that it would be appropriate.

Another alternative would be to have a similarly small birthday for his brother, and a bigger, joint celebration for them both and ALL their friends at a convenient time. But then that's starting to get complicated, isn't it?!

Didn't the OP say they would be having separate parties but just having a joint big day out in the summer though? I think that would be ok.

Better idea if budget is tight is to lower their expectations of what a birthday present consists of. We tend to go all out at Christmas but birthday have a much lower budget and it's more about feeling special on your birthday rather than being showered with expensive presents.

Sounds like a reasonable plan to me.

you are teaching him that he as an individual is not important .. because his birthday is only a 'token' affair .. but if he waits until his far preferred younger sibling's birthday he can share in his far preferred younger sibling's birthday joy and big present.

I don't see anything wrong in doing one birthday party dissasociated from either birthday say in August as a family celebration of all the birthdays .. I don't see anything wrong in elder DS' party being a day out

but there is nothing fair in what you're proposing, unless you want your child to feel inferior of course

Sorry, I am not sure people are completely clear about what I mean.

They BOTH get a big treat, a family treat, on one day.

Then they BOTH get a big present, on the other day.

They BOTH get a party on their birthdays.

I wouldn't want to postpone the birthday celebrations per se, i agree that would seem unfair.

I think it isn't right. My bday is beg of Jan and it's MY BIRTHDAY - no other day could be the same. don't you just 'feel' different on that day. And to have to wait half a year to celebrate it properly cos mummy can't budget for it is so sad.

wrong

I'm really shocked that anyone thinks this is anywhere near reasonable tbh .. nobody else read 'A boy called it' then?

if you must then they both get token presents and days out ON their birthdays then you randomly select another day totally divorced from either birthday for a big present and big family party

<'llo egypt>

Justabout, it seems that you've already made your decision but you want other posters to agree with it. I'm sorry but I can't, as from my own experience it just isn't fair.

Don't combine birthdays. They're individuals and you will create a feeling of resentment in the long run.

to be clear .. a birthday is unique .. you only have one .. it is the day you were born .. full stop

the level at which you celebrate them is up to you .. token or all out bash .. but the principle of 'sharing' your birthday (unless you really do) is not right and not fair and will set up feelings of unimportance and favouritism

Well, this is surprising. Because I have discussed it with about six friends in RL and my husband and everyone thinks it is reasonable.
But then I suppose they know me and don't start from the view that I am a child molester in the making (only joking Twiglett)

Is this a question of Mumsnetters being oversensitive, or am I genuinely missing something important?

you are genuinely missing something important IMHO

I dont think its fair tbh. Where I used to live, everyone got something on everyone else's birthday and all got taken out to a Theme park on one day just like you are planning. I hated it and it was shite. I didnt feel special and thought my birthday wasn't worth celebrating. I still feel like that abit now thats why I dont make a fuss about it anymore.

Can you not budget abit better during the year and do the celebrations seperate?

Karen, that is an extremely unfair statement. I want to get a range of perspectives which is why I posted. Some of the psoters seems to think I am cancelling ALL celebrations including parties, which is why I clarified. If you want to accuse me of not listening then please wait until the point where I say "I think you're all wrong and I'm going to do it anyway."
Which I might, or might not do. I'm just waiting to see what people say.

Thanks, Knickers, that's helpful.

today is my DD's birthday .. because of what DS's birthday evolved into this year (a 3 day affair with theatre trip with friends, party at home and family day out) we've had to go out of our way to ensure that hers has been celebrated in the same way so neither of them feel that they are more important than the other .. mine are 7 and 4, they KNOW

they do know

Oh, I should add: my mother's family always had their big birthday in the summer, on a random day.
Too many birthdays near Christmas. None of them minded.

Which I acknowledge may be different to using one sibling's birthday for present-giving.

I also think it is a bad idea. I have one with an early January birthday and we have always celebrated it just as much as everyone else's. It is HIS day, a birthday is a birthday-not some random other day!
Presents should also be individual, not shared with siblings, for birthdays imo.

Look, your sons are going to be rivals at some point anyway. You're giving the elder one a really good reasons to a) resent his brother and b) sulk in his room throughout his teenage years becasue you NEVER make a big effort for HIS birthday because it's too near Xmas and it's NOT FAIR.

I mean, he's going to be there anyway but this is not going to help...

I'm surprised, because as I say I have discussed it with a lot of RL friends who have had different perspectives from yous. But that is what Mnet is for, to be challenged.

I think I will speak about it to DH again and see what we decide.

Thanks for all your perspectives, I'm going out now.

I don't think it is fair. It is important that it is his day IMO. On his 'birthday'.

lol at Effie .. that's it EXACTLY

I just think that in implementing your plans, something is going to be lost.
I do not think that it is a good idea for siblings to BOTH get presents or massive treats on the same day.
I don't agree with siblings being given presents on their brother/sister's birthdays.
I think it is important for each child to have their own celebration/a fuss made of them (without big bucks being spent) once a year, on their birthday.

I think this might be about to get into a really intersting conversation about the use and purposes of birthdays, and how we get away from materialism in society, and whether it's so wrong to teach children to "share" but I haven't got time to argue about it now.

Sorry, bye!

Terrible idea imo. We have a v expensive time as we have loads of bdays in October and Nov but I wouldn#t dream of telling dd she can't have a bday because it's near Christmas.

Materialism? There's no reason to go overboard with presents/celebrations. But if you don't think birthdays are important (marking the day your dc were born rather than when it is convenient to celebrate), then why not get rid of both your children's.

If you think that seems harsh, think how your ds will feel when he is older, when the rivalry between siblings kicks in, because to him it will seem like you have devalued his birthday.

I agree entirely with Twiglett. I can see that you mean well, think that you are being fair and having a much better solution but I am afraid that it is NOT fair on the older child and may well set up resentments.
You get one birthday and that is YOUR day (no matter how inconvenient to the rest of the family). I don't really think you can say that it is going to be a token do and he has to wait 6 months for a big present, when you have a token one for the younger brother he only has a very short wait. To a DC that 6 months is a huge amount of time. I think that you have to have it on his birthday. You could perhaps have a party in the summer when the weather is better. My mother is quite elderly now and still a bit resentful that her January birthday was rather passed over as a child! If it was me I would think that MY special day should come before convenience to the family!

I often (and sadly) find that my RL friends agree with me, but if I ask on MN people disagree! I think it is because they dont know me and dont want to "please me" and make it nice and convenient for me. RL friends is much better for cushioning I find.

A family day out should be just that then, and it does not need to have ANY relevance to a birthday.

Do not wait with your childs main gift and give it to him on his brothers birthday. I think his brother would be very resentful that his birthday is not only his, and from his perspective your oldest is getting a present and a party in january, and then another on HIS birthday?

You are setting yourself up for a disaster, with both children feeling resentful.

It is nothing to do with materialism. You don't have to spend much BUT you do have to make them special on their day-not a random one of your choice.

I think that it is very true that in RL friends tend to agree because they don't want to upset you by coming out and saying that it is a lousy idea! On here people don't know you and are free to give an honest opinion. Mine is that the eldest is made to feel that his birthday is inconvenient and then the youngest has to share with the eldest. A solution not suitable for either.

Agree, it's not about materialism, you don't have to spend lots of money! But just skimmed and realise you seem to want people to agree with you, are you new to mumsnet or something? Because that's not how it works. I agree with Twiglett on this thread too.

There is no way as an adult I'd be happy if my mother decided to give me my main present on my sisters birthday no matter what her reasons. I agree with Twiglet.

My FIL has his birthday on Christmas Eve and he gets a special day-I don't think that even as an adult he would like being told it was more sensible to celebrate in June!!

I agree with Twiglett et al. I don't think it's good to make a kid feel you can't be arsed with their birthday because it's too soon after Xmas.

Real life people won't tell you the truth, they're too polite. I don't think even I could say "Good God, don't be so shortsighted!" IRL.

You can't take away a child's birthday and make him have his brother's instead just because it's inconvenient. YOu ESPECIALLY cannot do this to the eldest.

Well, you can, but imagine how hollow his birthday will feel ever after.

Did you not have siblings? I ask because this is the sort of thing ex p would cook up ... as he has no conception of the deep and seething resentment that can be carried over the merest slight to either child in favour of the other.

Children do not understand or care about family economics, so I think it is <<ahem>> ill advised to make a child suffer because of them.

Why don' you put money aside in a separate untouchable account throughout the year>? You MUST separate their birthdays, it's bad enough for twins, who have good reason tho share theirs. I'd have been gutted if my parents had decided my brother's birthday was more convenient than mine.

I think this is a really bad idea! "No, we didn't celebrate your birthday as, well, we were all a bit tired and anyway, mummy couldn't save up."

This is all about what is easier for you and nothing to do with making him feel special.

My dc's birthdays are 11/11, 06/12 and 12/12, so a right pain in the ass, but you just get on with it, and budget for it whenever it happens to be.

I did once joke that I was going to put the kids names in a hat and whoevers got pulled out had to have their birthday moved to June. They were not impressed, with that idea at all.

PLus, if his b'day is early Jan, doesn't that mean that you can buy all of his pressies cheaply in the sales ?

My 3 dc have birthdays just after xmas and we celebrate as normal - people seem to enjoy getting together as an end of holidays thing I think my eldest preferred an outing because he'd just been to his siblings party. I don't spend much on presents at any time - I do a lot of ebaying in october - so the cost is ok and I generally get them something in the summer at the start of the hols - a bike/ paddling pool is more appropriate then.
I do think it's about feeling special - children choosing what cake they want me to make, ds1 into pirates so extended family found every small pirate related item in the world! I don't think you have to have complicated arrangements. Perhaps you could look at how you arrange xmas celebations to make them simpler so you feel more like another big celebration for the birthdays?

My Brothers BD is Xmas Day and as a family we have always celebrated it 2 weeks before so he does get a "day" Also no-one is allowed to buy him a combined present (not too much of an issue now - hes 39!!)

I know one little boy who has his family gifts at Xmas but actually has a 1/2 party in the summer so last year he had his 5.5 b'day party in June for his friends.

I symapthise cos my birthday is early January too.

It's true, it's not a great time of year to have your birthday. But even so, it is still his birthday and moving it sounds (sorry) awful. I think I would just try and budget for it.

Nope. Disagree. Don't do it.

My birthday's the 3rd Jan. No fuss has ever really been made about me, like you say, everyone's exhausted after Christmas.
The birthday pressies I do get are generally wrapped in xmas paper(!), and left sitting under the tree til the 3rd. Well, I guess, it's the easiest place to put them.

DOes not bother me. I know I am 'loved' bla bla bla..... a birthday is a birthday. Noone needs to be a prima donna about their birthday really. I cannot udnerstand people who insist that everyone do what they say on that day.... Most people do though.

Keep your son's birthday his birthday. Do something nice, for him, but why does it need to be such a massive deal? Do an activity he wants to do, have a nice dinner, and sometimes have a small birthday party..... but other than that, why do children need more? Or adults for that matter?
The only birthday 'parties' I ever remember having was one when I was about 7, and one for my 21st.

Nothing against celebrating a birthday and giving presents, but it's really not the most amazing event in the whole wide world, and there is really no need to displace a celebration to 6mths later just so you can spend more money.
IMO anyway.

I think if you started a thread on how to do birthdays cheaply espcially when they're near Christmas you;d get lots of good advice.

My best friend when I was growing up had her birthday on New Year's Eve. She always had her party on her 'half birthday' in June - purely because people were more likely to come then and they had a fab garden so the party was always outside. But it was still 'her' day and nothing to do with her siblings.

I think fine to institute an annual joint big day out and keep birthday presents on the individual birthdays simple, but keep the joint day well away from both birthdays so that it doesn't 'belong' to either of them more than the other.

I think it sounds cool, my dd's bday is 8 days before xmas, if she was born the day she was due, 29th Dec, we were going to give her a summer birthday!
Family pressies on her real day, party and friends pressies etc 29th June!
So many people really resent xmas birthdays, her being 8 days before is just enough to cope with, its defined as her day (and bad luck to us and family LOL)

Btw JA, I would have had the same response if you asked me in RL

I think in principle it is fine to celebrate in the summer. But at a different time to the other sibling - it's not a good idea to combine birthdays in this way.

No I don't think its right. I know people who are born very close to Christmas and I know they always felt people don't make a fuss or forget because its too close to Christmas. MY DD has her birthday in january and I make just as much song and dance about it as for the other children. Its HER day. You don't need to take them to Butlins or give them expensive presents to make them feel special. I think ENTHUSIASM about someone's birthday is important though.

exactly fairymum

I think it's a really bad idea! Sorry!

Actually with kids, I think a birthday just after Christmas can be nice, to avoid the anticlimax that comes with the end of Christmas - you still have someting else to look forward to. What about planning a nice family thing like a theatre trip and get his present in the sales!

Dd's birthday is in August, which you would think would be perfect, but it does mean her friends are always away for her birthday (as were mine as I'm August as well). So we may do her party either end of July or end of August when people are back from holidays. But I wouldn't piggyback it onto another siblings' birthday - unfair on both children imo.

As I said earlier, my dd's birthday party is always in February or March - all her frienda are used to is, and it's nice to have something to look forward to after Christmas. But we always celebrate the day (December 21st)as a family. We have a lot of daft birthday traditions so we make sure the day itself is special.

I also think a january birthday is something very nice to look forward to in the dark winter.

Sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea. You say it's a budgetting problem yet you're going to spend money on a big treat for him and his brother. Why not just spend that money on a birthday present for him? Or, if there's more money available in July, simply put some money away into a savings account this July and draw it out next January to buy his present. I do share your frustrations as DS1 has a birthday on 20th December but we always make a point of making his day very special and keeping it completely separate from the Christmas celebrations.

DD's birthday is Jan 4th, which is the same as a good friend as mine. I saw how much she hated the feeling that her birthday got overlooked after Christmas and have made sure DD has a lovely day. It takes organisation and I budget throughout the year but has always been fine. As she has got older she has stopped wanting parties and does other things instead, it was one friend for riding, fish and chips and a sleep over this year. The present thing has never been a problem either.

My ds2 was born on Jan 11th and I am actually pleased as it gives us all something to look forward to after the anti climax after Christmas.

I woulnd't combine birthdays at all.

Excuse typos, feeeding ds2

My birthday is the 21st December. It's a pain sometimes but it's my birthday and it always gets celebrated on the day. My brother and sister's birthdays are in march and my little sister's is in August. Your plan would have devastated me as a child. It's horrible.

I agree with what others have said about it making his birthday seem far les important than his brother's.

My parents tried the slightly misguided approach of unbirthday presents for me and my sister when we were tiny (only a year between us two) but that led to resentment. Birthdays are precious and shouldn't be shared (unless they actually are, obviously).

DP and his brothers were born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of August. Bet that was fun when they were kids!

I don't think it is a good idea, I have 4 people in my family whose birthdays are very close to Christmas, it wouldn't feel right to change anything.

Maybe put £10 a month into a bank account so you can get him his big present without feeling the pinch at Christmas time.

It does come over as brushing the January birthday aside because it's inconvenient and replacing it with much a better July birthday. Also would the July birthday boy not feel his birthday has been sabotaged too?

Does everyone do a "big present" for birthdays? What constitutes a big present?

I don't always do a big present. DD1 got several small presents fro her birthday this year. We might get her some garden toys in the summer.

I've got a January ds and expecting a December baby. Last year, first grandchild, first Christmas, first birthday we got a lot of stuff from family. This year I am considering laying down the law to family.

Christmas is a big event anyway with lots going on. So Christmas presents will be small things, books, clothes, colouring in stuff.

Then a main present for birthday. That way it differentiates between the two events and still makes birthday special.

Thank you all for all your viewpoints (and Knickers, if I'd seen you recently I would have asked your opinion You just haven't come round to my house enough! Now Itsa, I can't get rid of her ).

WWW, I am not new to Mumsnet, you may not recognise my name but we have often talked on other matters before.

I think that I am going to....leave this thread alone. I have been trying to listen carefully to other people's perspectives, and at no point at all have I said that those who are disagreeing with me are wrong. I have clarified, and said why I think what I do, but if I had made my mind up completely there would have been no point in posting.

Best thing, actually, will be to ask my son what he wants. In due course. With no pressure. (although I recognise some of you will think that there is no reasonable way to raise the subject without putting pressure on him). I still think it is a feasible option but NOT if he or his sibling don't want it that way. That to me seems the bottom line, what he and his brother think.

I think we are all in our different ways trying to do our best for our children, and trying to raise our families in the way that works for us. We should ask for advice, and respect people who give us advice we disagree with or don't want, and we should also give advice kindly. Fortunately I have a thick skin (and to be fair, the comment about materialsim was not meant to be taken too seriously, it was more that I was dashing out of the door and didn't have time to articulate what is in fact a deeply felt perspective) but it does seem to me that some of the responses have been a little hysterical. I'm not going to finger point and get drawn into a slagging match, but after more than a year of contributing to Mumsnet daily I think I have the right to say that I think some of you, NOT all, have been a little too forceful in what you have said. And that it doesn't particularly bother me, BUT no one is ever more likely to rethink a position if you argue with them insultingly.Which is always a shame, because it makes real conversation harder, and it also seems to me that more timid posters than I am often get scared off.

For the record, birthdays are important, marking the day is important, each child being given something special and wonderful of their own is important, I would never want to disagree with any of these positions.

I think that the RL v. Mumsnet issue isn't just about insincere friends v. truthful Mumsnet. I trust and respect my friends in RL lots (hello itsa and knickers) and some of you I know well and respect as posters, whilst others I hardly know at all. Mumsnet works best I thinki where we learn to disagree with each other well and forcefully, but also respectfully: and I do think that a few of you forgot the respectful in that.

So I'm leaving this thread alone now, but with sincere thanks to ALL the opinions, whether disagreeing with me or not, who were expressed thoughtfully and were kindly put.

Big present? Um, for me growing up, possibly an item of clothing, something in that league.
For the bigger stuff, like a gameboy, or hifi, my parents would say it was for both xmas and birthday. So, a plus point to having the two so close together is you can have something better :0)

For my own DSs, I have only this yr really started on the pressies. DS1 will be 3 in a couple of weeks, and we are also going to get some garden toys, and at xmas he got a wooden train set. Those are deemed perfectly big enough if you ask me.
Previous years, when family/friends have asked, we asked for a contribution to his new bed, if anything, or something else practical, new carseat etc.... At 1 and 2, there really is noooooooo point spending £100s on something they'll play with for half a second, and then have more fun sitting in a cardboard box.

Like fairymum said a few posts back, it is more important to make a fuss of them.

My dd's birthday is second week in Jan and I was thinking about this (she's only 16 weeks so not an issue yet!). I was toying with having a half birthday in July so she could have a nice summery party but family birthday celebrations and pressies being on actual date. Is this a bad idea?

My birthday is the same as my mum and her mum (and my dad's sister) so I know all about inconvenient birthdays!

I know OP has buggered off because 90 per cent of posters thought her idea was pants. But can't resist adding my voice to the chorus. How horrible. It's hardly HIS fault that OP conceived in April.

My mother's birthday is within a couple of days of Christmas and she's still scarred by a childhood of no parties and 'this present is for birthday AND Christmas'.

I love these unreasonable threads when the op doesnt actually want to hear other views other than those that agree with them and then gets all offended when people disagree. If you dont want a range of opinions and thoughts don't ask.

my elder son birthday is Dec 23rd - which is good because every one is in party mode. We keep xmas very separate - i don't put xmas cards up until day after his birthday. Now he is 10, people are happy to giver him money, which he happily accepts to buy nice things when the weather is nicer. I have trained all friends and relatives NOT to give him a joint present or to send a xmas card with ''and happy birthday too'' scrawled in it
We always arrange a special treat - whether it is cinmea with friends, or panto or whatever. It is a shame we can never have a picnic or whatever, and it is a bloody nightmare for me in terms of expense and effort at that time of year (also DH's birthday is Dec, as is my mother's). BUT that is his birthday asnd that is when he wants to celebrate.

just to be fair to op, she did say in that last post that she appreciated all responses, whether agreeing or not.....

But it seems clear that all the contradicting opinions to her own have pretty much been ignored(!) So, you'd have to question, why bother asking in the first place?

eyeballsinthesky, having a 1/2 birthday party in the summer is fine, as long as the ACTUAL birthday is celebrated with family presents IYKWIM

Gs's birthday is five days before Christmas so I feel he generally misses out somehow.
He has a second 'birthday' on the day he came to live with us - in May.

oh and in answer to the materiasm thing, we do 'big' presents on birthdays (and beleive me, with our family budget, they are not neccessarily expensive, just Special) and token pressies for christmas.

Personally, I don't like this modern day fashion for changing birthdays. I think it's possible to make any time of year a good time for a party.

You can have a summer trip that is unconnected to birthdays.

OP seems to think that people were rude in their response, I thought that people were giving opinions politely. It just so happened that almost everyone disagreed. I can't see any reason to be offended, perhaps she expected most people to agree with, what to her was a good idea, and was surprised by the response.

I've flicxked through thread. Can't see much in teh way of rudeness.

OK, OK, maybe I should have clarified further. Without wishing to stir up a hornet's nest, the comments I objected to were the ones that said I wasn't listening and only wanted people to agree with me, when in fact that was the last thing I was doing. I wasn't planning to ask my son what he thought, but having read this thread through I changed my mind so that there would be no opportunity for him to feel resentful later (yes, yes, I know, some of you may disgree with that approach, but it is BECAUSE I can see the pootential for resentment now). So I don't see how anyone can reasonably say I haven't taken your viewpoints seriously. Unless you want me to lie down on my back and say "Gosh you're so clever and I'm so stupid," which would be a bit insincere.

I didn't want to point the finger but we all know that "are you new to Mumsnet" is a bit of an insult as is "you only want people who agree with you." well no, I consistently said I hadn't completely made up my mind.
Which I hadn't, and I still hadn't, I just now think it needs to be my son's decision too.
I think that one of the weaknesses of Mumsnet is that if there is a strong group feel one way or another, then the OP doesn't completely take the same viewpoint, you are accused of not listening. That's not the case.
So put me in the category of fingers-in-my-ears- if you want but it's completely untrue.

thought you'd gone out

how old is your son anyway .. because if he's any younger than a mature teenager it's grossly unfair to ask him .. he wouldn't have the foresight to make that kind of decision and will probably just follow your lead .. well IMHO anyway (but it seems I feel quite strongly about this coming from a family where I was the youngest and my mother 'couldn't be bothered with it all' any more .. I'm 41 now .. still bothers me)

Totally agree Pointydog, you can always have a good party. Anyway summer isn't always a good time. My sister has her birthday in July which she hated as a child since it was school hols and everyone was away so she could never have a big party. But we do have nice memories of eating her birthday cake as a family by the village pool on holiday.

went out and came back, twiglettt

I hope you find a satisfactory solution. Many of us who have posted here have some real understanding of your dilemma....
But remember, you did post in AIBU. And the resounding answer seemed to be yes, YABU.

Indith, at hte risk of repeating myself ad nauseam, I explictly said I wasn't planning not to do a big party.

There are bad points to all birthdays-one of my DS has August and people are always away or they used to forget because he gave out invitations at the end of term.
I don't think that it is fair to make it the DSs decision, they tend to say what they know you want to hear. If I have had an important question I have got an impartial family member to put it to them, in general conversation,someone who has no vested interest in the reply.

Erm was just agreeing with other posters that there are downsides to other times of year. Do try not to get on the defensive. Do whatever you want, while your child is young enough to not really "get" the concept then he will get excited whatever you do and when older can decide for himself.

disappeared, don't feel got at. I can see why you would like his birthday to be at a different time.

Every May, I wish I had a May-born baby because it is my favourite month and I think it would be lovely to plan a May birthday. So I sort of know what you mean.

That's a good way to do it AbbeyA, I'll make sure I get an outsider to ask them.

Ok - so clearly your original proposal is a non flier, so come up with something else.

So gathering the facts/opinions:

It seems to me that he is still getting a party on his actual birthday and will get some token presents.

The key to all of this is to treat both boys birthdays in exactly the same way.

The main issue you appear to have is budgeting for a large present immediately after christmas and paying for a large treat.

So:

You load up the size of presents for Christmas spending more at that time for both boys and reduce down substantially the birthday present for both boys. So they come to expect their big present in the year at Christmas and a much more modest effort at birthdays.

Both boys get a party on their birthday - of the same standard.

You don't do birthday treat days out/breaks any more, but these are still given but in another guise - so end of school year/report card rewards, or it's summer and we will have a family break - or whatever reason you feel is appropriate for a family treat. But importantly, it is not linked in any way at all to either boy's birthday.

I think it's just the using DS1 and DS2's birthdays that set people off TBH.

If you'd said, "I'm going to give each child a party and a few small gifts on their birthday, and choose a random 3rd summer date for big presents and treats for them both." I think people wouldn't have reacted badly at all.

I think it's the idea that DS(January Birthday) has a day out for his birthday that's actually a treat for DS(summer) as well seems rather unfair. Also the idea that your DS1 has to wait for his big present, but your DS2 gets his on his Birthday.

It works well justaboutdisappeared because if it comes into general conversation they don't realise they are being asked the question and at least you get to know their true feelings.

x-posts with soap-box

agree soapbox. Just scale down both presents, for both DSs. No need to go overboard.

Children in general are too spoilt these days....- fostering later materialistic tendencies, and 'must have must have must have' attitudes that have put this whole country into such bad debt...... what's the average debt per person? Something like 15k? This disgusting!
Right, got off my own soapbox now!(!)

Sorry, again, OP, I am NOT saying you are being materialistic.... I am just going off on one about things in general. Please do not take that personally. It's not aimed at you, but stems from this overall present-themed thread!!
Disclaimer over.

Actually, on that bergentulip, I couldnt' agree more. Part of my irritation has been that we are simply talking about giving one present at a different time of year. One of my major reasons is I don't want my eldest getting too much stuff at once, e.g. Xmas/New Year.

We are I suspect at different levels of what 'a big present' means. Chuckling quietly at the idea that anyone would find my presents over-extravagant...
A big present would be for me, say, a maximum of 20 pounds.

Or £40-50 if it was one for both children. I am not THAT stingy.