share your sexual secrets
I lay her on her back with me on my side and flick the bean while goin at it like a jack hammer
seems to work every time

is there any technics you would like to share?

nice - lucky lady

and technique is the word i think you want

learn to spell and she will be eating out of your hand Had you there!

PMSL

sexual technics - is that a new variety of Lego?

Bless you for trying though.

On your way, young fella.

I keep on thinking of sex to techno music or sex with Technics products

Good luck with that EvensMr

oh girls

play nice, he's obviously not old enough for a credit card for online porn or tall enough to reach the tall shelf

someone throw him something to keep him going till he gets a girlfriend

i tell you what i really love

i love to suck it slowly, hungrily, devouring every mouthful.

and when the time cums, i cannot swallow it and drink it down quick enough

and then i bend right over slowly, hungry for the next one



nope, nothing like a box of chocolate fingers followed by a cuppa

rofl

ooh ooh give it to me

This is my favourite.

It always makes me go Phwoar in a lewd and libidinous manner. It must be the reference to cherry or the batteries that are included that do it!

sorry.. .technic-ality here but how can one be "going at it like a jack hammer" if you are lying on your side and she is on her back?

i think either you have the biggest piece of equipment known to man or you have been shagging her thigh.

NJM, rofl

<<snort>> shagging her thigh

manky - maybe it can go round corners?!?

Totally PMSL ROLF wetting myself at this thread

mankymummy- he probably has a power function extension wire

It is clearly a great 'sexual secret'.
Perhaps it's only physically possible in Neverland?

maybe she is a "flexible" friend

oh baby, you are making me so horny

I'm actually quite interested in this Lego Technics stuff now. Had never seen it before. Thanks, EvansMr!

NJM... go round corners?

i think in actuality it would have to do a u turn IYKWIM... ie up and over and back down again. actually i think thats prob a 3 point turn.

one can only conclude that the "bean" he has been flicking has actually been the repeat button on his remote control....

I've got the right Bean haven't I?

Oh I've not laughed like this on MN for ages

yes or pause button

evans mr - how does your partner respond to this flicking ?

come on, you have us interested now.

what other moves have you got ?

manky - good point about the 3 point turn or should we use the term U bend in relation to plumbing?!?!

I think his only other move may be to get into bed by 9pm.
It is a school day tomorrow, after all!

tis past watershed now, his parental control will have automatically switched off his laptop and it'll be lights out

Your technic, sorry, technique sounds bloody awful to me.

If you flicked my bean (ouch) whilst banging me like a jackhammer I'd punch you in the bollocks.

aha... assuming you could find them sidge... i suspect they have yet to descend!

how do these children find MN anyway?? You'd think the idea of a load of old (or in my case, gorgeously young ) mothers would bore them to tears!!

I am not that young anyway. for the record.

if for him it "works every time" i would imagine the poor lady in question has logged on to mumsnet with his id and posted the OP looking for inspiration, all the while whilst he is "flicking the bean and going for it like a jack hammer".

he was maybe looking to be taught a thing or two as his GF wants sex, but he is a clueless virgin? and we scared him off, bless

No doubt he googled sex techniques technics though and got a link to one of the more colourful MN threads!

rrrrrrrrrrofl!

you filthy little pervert. pity the poor lass who gets the benefit of your erm ....technic (pmsl) when yer jack is old enough for a hammerin'.

hope your mum's a mner and catches you out.

or..... it could be a MNers DP looking for inspiration [shock}

come on everyone... check whereabouts of DPs!!!!!

damn i meant.

ROFL at notjustmum

mine, am happy to announce, is in the room with me and also PHSL at this thread so its not mine

<looks concerned>

Allright there girls? No ofense but if there is plenty of other places where you can post away about your banjos and baps. This forum is for the lads so unless you got something good to say ?

28/m/newport

there ARE plenty of places

and fyi its fanjos and norks on here

Ha Ha!!

28???!!! flippin eck.

shouldn't you be off strumming your girlfriend's banjo rather than being on here chatting to a lot of mums?

loving "banjos"

I think "Bang Yer Banjo" sounds like a technic classic in the making...

This is the funniest thread I have read for ages
rofl at manky mummy et al

do you think he types in mums net instead of readers wives?! I can see why he's confused

readers wives - here you are!

and people - don't click on it if easily offended - it is the ACTUAL link to readers wives

There's another thread with a poor pg lady with a swollen banjo. Also we were all leaving shopping lists with f banjo written on them.

Bit boring in Newport this evening is it? Not interested in the footie?

Evans Mr- Please explain laying on your side whilst on her back?
It doesn't sound very comfortable

oh my god PMSL!!!!

I just realised that he has posted on Dadsnet and thought that only males would be on here! rofl.

EvansMr, if you want a "private" thread put it somewhere really boring. We all respond in Dadsnet indiscrimately; tis usually most entertaining, interesting and informative.

Have any of the "Dads" even bothered to reply to this troll gentleman?

there surely HAS to be a quote of the week in this thread?!!??

actually - i'm ver satisfied.
my bean has been flicked.
yes it does reach around the corner.
we only wanted some ideas for improvement you know.

by the way - that lego stuff is very good.

now had you come on and asked for advice re gregs sausage rolls and fruit shoots or baby pasta or given us your opinion on SAHM or parnent and toddler parking then that would've been fine

you're on MUMSNET - see above link for sex advice - we can also help with grammar and spelling on here too

Delicate, it means banging sideways from behind.

lads ? lads ? there are no lads on here i thank you very much

we like men here thank you

Well, I suppose an inflatable doll is easily satisfied. And it might explain how the seemingly impossible position is achieved...

Lol

but how can you fuck her sideways if she is lying on her back ?

Are you all on HRT or something?

NJM, I refer you to my "inflatable doll" comment...

HRT? Gosh aren't you the witty one this evening?

Notjustmon: it's all about technic, banging sideways from behind look it up on the karma sutra.

YB - that has cleared that up thank you

i by no means am inexperienced but i just couldn't get my head round this ?

I think "Bang Yer Banjo" sounds like a technic classic in the making...

<<wipes tears from eyes>>

i have never laughed so much at a mn thread,

my bump is actually hurting

EvansMr, i think i love you...

I can only read EvansMr's posts with an Ali G accent in my head.

tech fucking nique

but you aren't doing her from behind if she is lying on her back are you

and baby i don't need no kama sutra

Perpendicular ladies, perpendicular

how's your winkle EvansMr? is it getting large yet?

We would hate to disappoint you. What with our fantastic banjos and all.

it's all to do with the extra hole i've had sugically inserted int my thigh. i highly recommend you try it.

pmsl lynette!!!!!!!

oh god Evans Mrs!

shaking with laughter!

oh you blew it with that last comment i'm afraid

I really hope this isn't someone looking for sex talk, i'm wetting myself here.

Poor cow

EvansMr, may I just ask one personal question?

If your personal life is so fab, what on earth are you doing on here at 10pm on a Sunday evening, haven't you got:

banjos to bang
beans in need of attention
page 936 of the Kama Sutra to consult?

Perhaps your dp has a sore bean?

are we dealing with

a. a bored teenager
b. a bored middle aged perv
c. a daily mail troll
d. a split personality
e. someone who can't take decent advice here

answers ladies please - those without banjos and baps need not respond

yay, johnso! i love your posts.

have you got any advice for this lad guy?

Mr Evans - do you have any other sexual secrets you want to share with us - or are you just a one trick pony?

Lordy me, it's amazing what you can do with a spare bit of plastic and a puncture repair kit isn't it? Does EvansMr have trouble finding the usual holes then?

evansmr - do you lure the birds in with your fake gold jewellery and vauxhall nova ?

i bet they is well impressed with da bean flicking aaaiii ?

Aha, the vehicle of choice for spotty yoofs. Otherwise known as an 'Acne Carriage.'

PMSL Acne carriage

<<<arf>>

i'm channeling a perma-tanned essex boy with that odd fanjo-hair they all have, and one gold earring.

and a withered finger from too much bean-grinding.

Aw, thanks Umbrella
My only advice is to check you're on the right thread before you post

That was aimed at Nigella LOL!!

Right thread? Surely right forum. Mind you has made me laugh so can't be all bad!!!!

how cryptic Johnso - i haven't been here at all.

My DH wanted to ask you EvansMr... as you're from Newport, doesn't the fleece get in the way when your 'partner' is lying on her back?

PMSL suwoo

Ah PMSL again now suwoo

flicking the bean?

methinks mrevans is more of a ham shandy boy

I can't take the credit, it was my witty fuckin smart arse DH!

Right I'm going to bed now.

No bean flicking for me tonight though - DH is watching the golf

<<<<<sigh>>>>>>>

Do sheep have beans

EvansMr is obviously the man to ask!

Although how bad do you have to be to need sexual technic [sic] advice when your partner is a sheep?

DH says...In light of new evidence it seems not, EvansMr has emailed him to say that last night he gave up the persistent flicking of the alleged bean as his 'partner' felt no waves of ecstacy, but EvansMR did inadvertently end up crocheting a rather small hanging basket

Whhoaa there boy your going to be getting yourself a fried bean.

are we allowed this as quote of the week?

By Sidge on Sun 15-Jun-08 21:18:43

Your technic, sorry, technique sounds bloody awful to me.

If you flicked my bean (ouch) whilst banging me like a jackhammer I'd punch you in the bollocks.

By umberella on Sun 15-Jun-08 21:25:19

rrrrrrrrrrofl!

you filthy little pervert.

pity the poor lass who gets the benefit of your erm ....technic (pmsl) when yer jack is old enough for a hammerin'.

hope your mum's a mner and catches you out.

By YeahBut on Sun 15-Jun-08 22:06:00

I think "Bang Yer Banjo" sounds like a technic classic in the making...

this has been a grrreeeeaaaat way to start my day.

very funny.

god i love the female ability to crush/put down.!!

Please someone keep this thread going,seriously I can't stop laughing

Ah, it has been many a year since DH attacked my thigh like an overenthusiastic border collie.

<sigh>

Roy?

Is that you?

This has to be a message from my late husband Roy, he always used to flick my bean while hammering away at my thy.

It was the problem with impotence I think, it didn't you know, go in, but could still pack a wallop when flung at my thy.

Now you see that would have actually worked as a joke if the name change to Pat Butcher had worked. As me, well, it's just odd. I never married Roy Evans.

Mr Evans please share with us your oral sex tecnics...

Do you go at it like a lapping puppy and shag her behind her left knee?

Jackhammer to the thigh, oh yeah baby!

I always find a good elbow shagging a wonderful release after a hard day at work.

Between the toes works too.

LL rofl

Brightened up my Monday morning .
Surely this is a candidate for Mumsnet Classics?

Group lego porn!

I never knew lego was so filthy

Oh this is sooo wrong!!! I can't stop laughing

I really want to know what 'banging sideways from behind' means.

How can something be sideways AND behind?

It gives a whole new meaning to the tune "Duelling Banjos"

LL- filth

It's not fair my DD's don't have any Lego, I can't join in

<<CBM scuttles of to find inspiration with Groovy girls and wooden stable set>>

Maybe this is how Jilly Cooper gets her ideas......

You want to be careful EvansMr using a technic like that and having the ability to bend it round it in such a way, there is a danger you may snap your banjo string.

Mr Evans

I've just had a thought, you say your laydee has a hole in her thigh, is this where you inflate her?

I'm confused, EvansMr , isthis what you do while going at it like a jack hammer.

EvansMr flicking the bean big time

oh, the poor boy. He's probably in double maths now. benevolent

Lol at your lego porn YKNOTC

<<tries and fails to stop laughing>>

is that you evansmr?

LOL [GRIN]

<wheeze>

am lol @ the claim that the kama sutra advises 90-degree banging

what IS banging in Sanskrit, anyway?

oh I've found it:

"On the occasion of a 'high congress' the Mrigi (Deer) woman should lie down in such a way as to widen her yoni, while in a 'low congress' the Hastini (Elephant) woman should lie down so as to contract hers. The bull man should then flip her onto her back and engage in congress while flicking her bean. This position is called the Jackhammer of Indrani and this is learnt only by practice."

No it doesn't really work for me