ive been refered to an eating disorder (bulimia) specialist, but im on a waiting list which could still take months. this specialist will deal with everything such as the psychological issues and councelling , my diet and also medication.

but in the mean time i am seeing a dietition once a month. i have seen her once so far 2 weeks ago.
she has given me loads of leaflets etc and given me ideas to cut down binging and throwing up and i am really trying but still cant resist the urge as when i go nearly a whole day without binging i get so unbelievably moody and miserable and feel sick and get a headache. it just feels impossible.

she told me instead of trying to stop altogether for now just try and cut it down to throwing up once a day ( i have it quite bad and do it up to about 6 times per day).

so im going a whole day planning to just have one small binge in an evening but im trying to get past the urge to do that one binge as i have gone a whole day without it.

do you understand what i mean?

but the mood swings and anger and anxiety i feel is just impossible to get past so i end up binging then throwing up cos i cant stop myself.

the dietition said when i see the specialist they will prob put me on Prozac as like ive described stopping binging and purging will make me depressed. but i dont want to wait months longer im so ready to deal with this now but the moods and anxiety is stopping me.

if i went to the doctor would they put me on medication now, or would they tell me to wait to see the specialist?

i am so so desperate and its truly ruining my life. not to mention costing me the earth money wise

Although I don't have any experience with this I am fairly sure that your gp would prescribe medication for you, particularly if you are as honest as you have been here. Well done for tackling this and good luck with it

Thanks for replying carmenere. ive just had a thought i could ring the dietitions and ask to bring my appointment forward with her to see what she says. although i dont know what i expect her to say

oh juicychops, this is horrendous. I am anorexic and have been seeing an EDT for 2.5y now. its a vicious circle and i think that if you go to see your gp and explain they will prescribe ads in the meantime. you CAN move past this, but it will be very tough.x

thanks lissielou. ive got work tomorrow and Tuesday so i think on Wednesday i will go docs if i still feel as bad. (which i prob will)

i know its a difficult thing to get through but in my mind i think that once ive started seeing a specialist il be cured in a few months although deep down i know it could be a very long time.

it is a long jurney, you hsve to retrain your brain and your body. but its managable. I have been a good weight for about 6m now, but still struggle.

Hi Juicychops, I suffered from both anorexia and bullimia for 14 years and now am 4 years in recovery, I am still not truly over it and still have bad days, though they are few and far between.

From everything I have read of your post it sounds like your treatment is fairly the same mine was. I saw a dietition every month and every week I saw a CPN who I would have to show my weekly food diary too. There were days that were bloody tough and I seriously hated my CPN and my DH, but I'm through it, like I say on the whole.

As to my medication, I was put on Prozac when I asked for it and it was monitered by my doctor weekly.

Good luck with it all, you have done the most important step already, which is asking for help. If you need to talk, I am here.

thanks Lumpsdumps. can i ask, how did you get through the bad days? im having a rough time today. im determined to get through the day without binging or throwing up and it is killing me.
i have patience for nothing and no one ive been moaning and shouting at ds all afternoon. had to go to bed for an hour this afternoon just to lay there so that there was nothin that could stress me out. feel so so angry and shit. every time my ds talks to me i feel anger rise in me cos i cant even be bothered to listen to him.

im being an awful mum today and i cant help it. when im calm im trying to give him lots of cuddles and telling him i love him, but within the next sentence if he says somethin or i drop something on the floor accidently or nock something out of place just stupid insignificant things i loose my mind and get so angry.

if i manage to get through today which i dont know i will yet, then tomorrow will be even worse and i dont know how im going to handle it

Hi Juicychops, sorry about the delay with getting back to you. I remember on so many days having crap mummy days, my 4 kids knew and know that I was very ill and no I didn't mean to shout at them. Cuddles are sometimes the only thing that works, even if you don't feel like cuddling, force yourself to do it. The love you feel back from them is unconditional and does get you through it. On my bad days, I just had to ride through and hope that the following day would be better, support is good, if you have a good friend or partner talk and talk to them, I'm sure they won't mind. This is what I would do. I seriously think it is time though from what you are saying that you need to get medication, don't be ashamed of it, it is there to help you. It does get easier, believe me. I am in work tomorrow until 2, if you want to leave me a message, please do so and I will reply to you as soon as I get home again. Keep talking it will help.

hi lumpsdumps thanks for replying to me. im at work today.
i made it through yesterday without throwing up and binging even though i was truly desperate last night and me and dp had an argument cos i was snappy with him and he didn't know why.
i wrote him a letter and put it in his bag for him to read today explaining everything. even though he knows about my illness, i played it down a lot when i told him so this letter is an honest account of everything and my feelings and about wanting to go on medication etc. so hopefully he will be a bit more understanding. as soon as he came round last night he grabbed the fat on my belly when i was showing him my sunburn cos its got a bit bigger lately. that just made my mood even worse

feel ok today so far. im glad i got through the day. the last time i went a day was new years day. in the 6 years ive had this i dont think ive ever gone 2 days in a row so im going to try so hard to get through today too. depending on how i feel tonight i might go docs tomorrow morning instead of waiting til Wednesday when im not at work.

I didn't see a dietician or have medication. What worked for me were group sessions with some counsellors. It took some time but I have been recovered now for 15 years. The breakthrough came for me when I decided that there was no reason for me not to be happy; I didn't 'need' to feel bad about myself/guilty/unworthy, etc.

I decided to act as 'if' I was 'normal' and I fooled myself into thinking I was!

Ive made it to day 2. the longest ive gone since i was pregnant over 3 years ago. very proud of myself but feel like i am going a bit crazy. felt shit last night and my dp couldn't understand why its making me feel the way it is.

i am also going to the toilet to wee loads and had to get up twice in the night. is this a side effect? im not drinking any more than normal

hopefully i can make it to day 3

If you're not drying yourself out as much by vomiting perhaps you have more fluid to get rid of the conventional way? Your kidneys are probably benefting.

Keep going! You're doing really well. A day at a time,a day at a time. Don't look beyond today.

I´m so impressed with the way you are tackling this. I wish you all the best.

I too admire you juicychops. Keep going and be easy on yourself x

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement it means a lot. my dp is helping me a lot. Hes teaching me how to eat properly. he thinks i eat like a machine eat really quickly without chewing my food properly and swallow too much in one go. i do feel like a baby, but he thinks it will help me to start enjoying my food again and maybe i wont need to eat as much.

tonight we are going to have a proper meal together. nothing big, but last night i only had 1 toast and bit of scrambled egg cos im scared of feeling full up and then needing to throw up.

so tonight will be something like pie and oven chips, although only a small portion.

i am dreading tomorrow as im off work so gotta keep really busy all day. But got to get through tonight first

He could be right!

You'll be fine tomorrow. Maybe buy some magazines or books? Or plan a huge spring clean? Or make something>?

It sounds as though you are doing some useful things. I too went to a dietician, which, although it didn't feel very helpful at the time, has been really good in retrospect. I was diagnosed nearly 25 years ago, after suffering for about 5+ years. I had a lot of psychological treatment before finally being prescribed Prozac, which did the trick. I have been free of EDs now for 15 years, but it is so painful to be living with it. I gave up counting how often I binged and threw up. Just all day every day.

They may want the specialist to see you to decide how much Prozac or whatever they want to give you, then keep a close eye on you for a bit. If you are getting through days at a time without bingeing, you are doing very very well!

Hi Juicychops, sounds like you are doing really well, but one thing I will say is don't pressurise yourself as it could make things worse. I did this and ended up going backwards loads. My CPN said that if I worked out how many times I was sick a day then take back by a third then I was having a good day. I also ended up with OCD after I stopped being sick to replace the feeling of being sick. I think you are doing fab. Just take it one day at a time.

hi lumpsdumps and everyone else. made it 3 days now and now on day 4. taking ds swimming later. still feel good about not being sick but feel like im putting on loads of weight which i hate and feel all bloated. feel like i dont wanna eat anything as i know im trying not to throw it back up.

last night i went for a little jog to take my mind off food.
Tomorrow my dp isn't round and also my ds will be staying at his great aunts for the night. ever since i woke up this morning ive been thinking about all the nice fod i could go and buy tomorrow for a big binge like i would normally when dp or ds isnt here. Im in 2 minds at the monent. part of me is thinking ive done so well so far and dont ruin it tomorrow night being stupid, and just find things to occupy myself to take my mind off it, but part of me is thinking go on, just do it, its only one night, think of all the nice food i can have.
if i do binge tomorrow night and throw up i might not be able to start being good again afterwards.

feel ok at the moment, but by tomorrow its going to be driving me crazy all day deciding what to do. i hate the way my mind works.

also rang docs today but my doc isn't there until next week so got an appointment for next wednesday about going on medication

i often describe my ana as my evil twin, she tells me that i will feel better if i dont eat. its only a short term fix. but unfortunately it doesnt work like that, 4d is, you hve done so well. i know you are craving it, but it wont make you feel better. please stay strong x

thanks lissielou i will really try. its easier said than done though. but i will try.

i try and look at it like all the food i buy to binge on, its nice when i eat it but i dont NEED it, it just makes me feel crap afterwards and once ive thrown it up its all wasted and a waste of money, and there are better things i can spend that money on.

i want my'evil twin' to die!

i know, but it is possible to control/ignore her. i wish i could say that it will go away, but i will say that it gets easier. dont be afaid to mourn it too. we start these things when we are vulnerable and it becomes a way to lift our mood and control some aspect of our lives. it did serve a purpose at some point. but now you can live without it!

You're on Day Four! That's terrific. Come back here and post if you are feeling the cravings. We'll distract you.

what help is there? I was anorexic 16 years ago and got very ill. They thought I recovered when my weight went up but I swing through not eating, eating normally then throwing up and over-eating. All while maintaining a 'normal' weight.
Am too embaressed to go to the GP as I was treated so badly the first time round.
How did you all get help?

Hi all
stumbled across this thread so I hope you don't mind me joining in. juicychops just keep taking one day at a time, it's really the only way to get through this.

I suffered with anorexia (and still do if I'm honest) and am now 12 + 3. find it very hard to keep eating but I do just force myself. Now feel very fat and awful but nothing i can do about it! I have had therapy etc but it wasn't that successful for me - any thoughts anyone?

hi juicy. first of all, it hink its great that you are on here.
i think it is ridiculous and possibly pointless to just try to get you to cut back.
why don't you try nlp. this is something that really really worked for me and it doesnt take years or involve any pills...

riven, for me it came to a head after i had ds, i had severe pnd and my weight dropped to just under 6st again. my gp convinced me to see a specialist. where in the uk are you?

lissielou - did you get to see a specialist quite quickly and was it any good? the one in my area, well we don't get on let's put it that way!

it took about 3m to get an appointment, but they were very worried about me at the time. he's fab. just lets me rant and talk. have you contacted BEAT?

hi everyone dreamymum im probably being thick but what is nlp?

Riven and Autumnlady hope this thread can help you both too.

been ok today so far although still dreading tomorrow without dp and ds.

went swimming with ds today then went to the cake shop and had a choc flapjack. i dont know why i bought it, i just saw it and thought 'im getting it' and i was mortified with myself after i ate it. when i took ds to the toilet i was thinking how easy it would be just to quickly get rid of it. but i managed to distract myself and get out quick. feel all fat and gross but trying to keep busy.

dp will be round soon so will hopefully get through tonight too

You are doing so so well juicychops! I found the feeling fat and disgusting hard too. But then, for me, it was really more to do with having a body at all. I didn't want one! Anyway, here I am, with a body that is really pretty fantastic.
I expect you have already been asked to keep a food diary? It can help you identify some triggers. It didn't really work for me because I was so depressed that I had no idea what was going on! Anyway, you are doing so well!

Please keep posting!

thanks Bladebla. had small portion of pasta in bolognese sauce for dinner but had a few of my dp's chip shop chips too which has made me feel crappy. dying for some choc. got some pineapple in the fridge but gotta let my dinner go down a bit more before i eat that otherwise il feel too bloated and full that it will make me wanna be sick.

i found out today that im getting a 9 week old kitten tomorrow evening so hopefully that will be a distraction from binging.

ive not been asked to keep a food diary yet but i will prob be asked to once i start my sessions with a specialist. so far the dietition has asked me to write a list of trigger foods. There was about 30 things on there!

was going to go for a jog tonight like i did last night but just cant be bothered at all.

I'm in Bristol and cant even mention this toa GP. I tried to get help with PND after dd was born brain damaged 4 years ago cos my life is total shit caring 24 hours a day. The wait list seems to be miles long and all they offer is prozac. Some days I feel no-one cares and no-one can help and I'd be better off gone.

One book I found useful was Suzy Orbach's FAT IS A FEMINIST ISSUE. It's quite old now, but has been revised. I found the thesis that what was happening to me was part of something broader--society's demands on women--really helpful. I think she worked with Princess Diana, too. But for me first. Actually I recommended Diana to her. 'Diana,' I said.... No. That last bit's made up but the book is worth reading.

www.newsfromnowhere.org.uk/books/DisplayBookInfo.php?ISBN=0099481936

A food diary could help before you see the specialist. Basically, if they give you one to fill in, it looks like a table with the time you ate something or drank something, what you ate or drank, down to the last biscuit, and how you felt about it. I found it was quite possible to binge on a biscuit!

Riven, have you been in touch with BEAT, the eating disorders association? I think they may have local support groups. It's pretty awful feeling as though you're being fobbed off with drugs. Prozac can help a lot. When I first took it, it was the first time in my life that I felt remotely that I belonged in the world.

The Citizens Advice Bureau is a fantastic source of information as well.

hi. I just wanted to tell you a fantastic online forum site called www.something-fishy.org Go for it, and you are doing great!! It will get better and just take ONE DAY at a time!!

ruined t all last night. went to asda late to get kitten food they had all the cakes and stuff reduced my boyd just went into auto pilot and i bought loads of shit came home stuffed my face then threw it up.

feel so down didn't sleep properly. all my hard work is ruined. feel like ive let everyone down.

i truly hate myself and just cant be bothered with anythin today. i will try not to let this stop me trying hard today but im back to square one and the first day is always the hardest.

the food last night did nothing for me. it didn't even pick me up a bit like it does normally because i knew i would really regret it.

feel rubbish

No--you haven't ruined it. You just start again. Every day you don't do it is good for your health so you had,what, four days of doing yourself a lot of good.

i suppose so. stil lfeel like a failure though

You are not a failure, I did this so many times on the road to recovery. You are doing so well, keep your chin up. You can get there!

juicychops you aren't a failure at all. It is a minor blip and no more. You are doing so well. How long has it been since you last binged and threw up? I bet the gap is far larger than it has been for a while adn far larger than you thought you could manage when you first started.

I have a massive problem with binge eating, the difference being that I don't throw up afterwards. As a consequence I have just hit a new all time high body weight . I know how hard it is to stop and I think you are doing so amazingly well. Keep up the good work.

Hi juicychops...
forgive me I haven't read through the whole thread (so this may have been said already). I've suffered from EDs on and off for a long time and can honestly say that prozac really helps in the run up (while you're) trying to treat the ED - for me it seemed to help quash the urge not to eat / overeat (and made my normal mood much brighter).
I don't know the science behind quashing the urges, but I do know that if your moods a bit brighter, you'll feel in a better place to start tackling the ED.
I'm sure the GP would prescribe ADs to you while you're waiting for your dietician/EDT appointments.

Good luck
Gerbrajess
(ps. I had blips (and still have blips) - it's just part of the recovery - the gap between them will get longer I promise!)

How are you today, juicychops?

hi everyone

gerbrajess thanks for that. i do have a docs appointment next wed and going to aske to be put on Prozac as my dietition said the specialist when i finally get my appointment will put me on it anyway but thought id get a head start

today has been fine up until about an hour ago. i had a ham sandwich and a 2 finger kitkat for lunch and didn't have the urge to throw up at all. but had 2 custard cream biscuits an hour ago and they are haunting me really badly and making me wanna have a binge. i even ate them slowly to try and appreciate them a bit but wish i hadn't bothered now.

planned a night of studying tonight so hopefully that will be enough to take my mind off eating

you lot have been so good supporting me through the last few days thanks everyone

Hi again Juicychops

Have read a bit more of your thread and I identify so much with you 'hating the way your mind works...'. I went from anorexia to compulsive eating over about 15 years and literally, once the thought was planted in my head, there was seemingly nothing I could do about it - I'd head out and shop for a binge. I didn't get any pleasure from it and the only relief was to fall asleep afterwards while my body dealt with it. After one of these binges (and there were many) - i literally couldn't see or communicate with anyone or do anything.

I'd wake up feeling so so much worse - but for various reasons you go back again and again.

Can I just say - my last major binge was now 4 years ago and I never thought I'd be free of my ED. I was put on prozac initially and then saw an EDT for a year. I can't say I'm cured (I don't think I'll ever be 100% cured), but I promise you you will get on top of this if you want to. You're doing fantastically well in being honest on here, I've no doubt you can do it .

take care
Gerbra x

hi juicychops did you try the link I put up? They have online forum and it REALLY helps. Start telling yourself that you love yourself even if you have this condition. It's not you who is doing it, it's ED doing it. And you are doing so well, admitting that you have ED and wanting to get better is already a HUGE step forward. You can fight it and come out on top and start enjoying normal things again. Please go to remember it hurts online forum on the www.something-fishy.org whenever you get the urge and you can type in whatever comes in your head.

hi everyone. have not been doing well since thursday night. Friday night i had another binge and threw up. last night i didn't have a binge as such, i just had too big a portion of dinner and couldn't deal with the full up feeling which lead me to throw up.

feeling positive this mornihg though and going to try to get through today as it was last Sunday that was the first day i wasn't sick. so my aim it to get to at least Thursday night and hopefully beyond that

cant wait to see the gp on Wed. meant to go to a bbq party tonight but im going to make an excuse and not go as that will just be too much temptation

vampbaby ive had a look at the forum and it looks really good. ive not posted anything yet but i will next time im feeling bad

it sounds stupid, but at the moment i feel like im never going to be able to eat Chinese or Indian, pizzas, sausage in batter,chocolate brownie or ben and jerry ice cream ever again. These are a few of my best foods but trigger foods as they are so fattening and i feel like after ive stopped being sick i will never be allowed to eat them again and its making me feel quite sad. how do i get over these feelings? i know that sounds really pathetic but its how i feel

You will be able to eat them once you've stopped craving for them, if you see what I mean. After weeks or so without them your body will stop yearning for them and responding to them so powerfully.

Juicychops - I had bulimia for 10 years from the age of 12. What did it for me was high dose prozac for 6 months and a course of 12 sessions of cbt. Cbt doesn't analyse why you binge but it teaches you strategies for avoiding it.

I've been fairly good for 6 years now with just the odd blip - generally when I have pmt. I know the waiting lists for cbt are very long on the nhs - could you afford to pay privatley for a couse of sessions?

One of the homework tasks that stuck with me is this. If I wanted to binge I had to plan it by laying on the table everything that I was likely to eat in one sitting. Once I started eating I could't get any more out of the fridge / cupboard so you had to get it all out and have it there in front of me. Seeing the sheer volume in one go made me eat far less of it.

I also had to write down everything that I ate. If you write it down you are less likely to just keep stuffing it in plus you can identify what your 'trigger' foods are and start to eliminate them from the house. ie I never ate two biscuits it was always the whole packet.

I'll be honest with you - it wasn't easy but learning the 'coping strategies' worked far better for me than any analysis into why I was unhappy and binged. The prozac side effect were not too bad. The main problem was thet it destroyed my sex drive completly which did put extra pressure on my marraige.

Best of luck to you. Don't beat yourself up for being a grouchy mum. Look on it as a work in process to being a healthy mum with a healthy attitude to food that you can pass onto your kids.

You are doing very well. One thing that might help is to aim for one day at a time....and you are going to have to let ED go, that's why you are probably a bit sad. Do you think you need bulimia as clutch for some other emotional needs? You can have ALL these foods once you have figured out what binge/purge is doing for you at the moment and stop the physical habit of it. Mine had to do with stuffing emotions - anger sadness resentment stress, and a lot has to do with hiding things either from yourself or from other people. I always used to think that I had great self esteem..but I have realized that I don't and accepted it. And I stopped habituary food rituals and tried to build myself from scratch - feeling wise - and it only gets better. One step back doesn't make you a failure. Have lots of sympathy for youself and you are doing fantastic.

I had a really bad eating disorder and was completely obsessed with food weight to the exclusion of everything else. I got better through a 12 step programme (Overeaters Anonymous) and it definately saved my life. Slowly but surely my relationship with food has normalised. I haven't now been bulimic for about 7 years and have not eaten sugur for 13 years ( that was my main trigger food). It is possible to get better, just never perfectly!

thanks everyone for your continued support.

was good all day yesterday and it was supprisingly a lot easier than it had been.

im at work today and cant stop thinking about planning a binge tonight. i really dont want to ruin it all again but my mind is constantly thinking about chocolate brownie and onion rings and its making me feel like i just wanna cry.

im trying to think of different things to distract me but cant stop coming back to them thoughts. had an awful dream about my ex killing ds and a police investigation so i dont know if subconsiously that has got to me a bit, but i dont know.

The dream won't have helped. Could you buy something really lovely on your way home? New book? DVD? Magazine?

how are you doing? plan giving yourself a treat instead! massage..new bath oil..

picked ds up from nursery and when we got home he had a massive tantrum. i had a major stress at him as he was so so naughty and i was already stressed out

after i put him to bed i just broke down and got upset and angry and started a big binge on brownie and peanut butter on toast.

finished the binge and been sick. feel releaved its over for the night but so disappointed in myself... the same old circle of feelings.

got my docs appointment tomorrow morning about going on prozac which i am looking forward to and im hoping it will give me that extra push to stay more motivated on good days so that i dont keep ruining them.

i started a food diary yesterday but im too embarrassed to write everything i ate in my binge. it horrifies me to think what i have put into my body this evening

i hate being me. i hate everything about myself at the moment. just look and feel a big mess. i wanna be normal

sorry for being miserable. just on a downer tonight. i suppose at least i dont drink alcohol!!

Tomorrow's another day juicychops and you're seeing the gp so everything you're doing is positive.

Will you let us know if how you get on?
gerbrajess x

hi everyone. got 3 weeks worth of Prozac from gp yesterday. took the first one today.
last night i went to a friends with dp and they cooked us a huge chilli con carne. i wasn't sick and it was the biggest meal i have kept down for god knows how long. it was really really hard and had bad stomach aches in the night where i felt so full and wasn't used to it but feel better today for it although i swear my belly is bigger than it was. i dont dare weigh myself

been picking at fruit muffins me and ds made today and although ive been ok so far, im starting to feel the urge for a binge creeping in. hopefully il be ok

hope everyone is ok

It's horrible feeling full when you're not used to it. The horribleness is psychological - I used to find I could feel as bad eating a biscuit as I could if I had eated 10 fish suppers. Don't weigh yourself, EVER AGAIN! I expect they may weigh you at the doctors, but I think to do it at home is counterproductive. I still hate being weighed and still have a horror of whatever the number is. It's completely irrational!

juicy, thats fantastic, i know its tough but you essentially have to learn a new way to react to food, dont be too hard on yourself. you CAN do it

don't weigh yourself!!!! throw away the scales. yuck, the number don't matter. just concentrate on something else!! doing so well)

Great news, juicy. You'll be fine with the muffins. Just try and leave the house/office wherever the little devils are and distract yourself.

Keep posting here--we want to know how you're doing.

hi everyone. had a good day yesterday. had a binge friday and sat night but they were small ones compared to what they used to be.

didn't feel hungry at all yesterday which was very unusual. i dont know if thats the Prozac doing something? but i did make myself eat proper meals although because i know im not going to allow myself to be sick after, my portion sizes have cut down a lot.

i feel quite good in myself today. i think its where im generally eating a healthier diet and obviously cos im keeping more down than i was.

i hope i have more good days like these. my dp is starting his healthy eating today to loose some weight, which will make it a lot easier for me to eat well as i wont be surrounded by temptation.

hope everyone is well!

Hi everyone thought i would check in and let you know how i am going.

Last night i didn't see dp or have ds with me and i managed to go the whole day and night without binging or being sick. To me this is the hardest time when neither of them are here so im really proud of myself.

dp isn't round tonight either and i have managed to make it through today and tonight too.

i even went to Sainsburys and got a basket and spent 10 mins walking around looking at the crisps and choc but ended up walking out with nothing.

i think im starting to think a bit differently about food now. not totally, but a bit and its making a big difference. maybe the Prozac is doing something. its definately suppressing my apetite which is stopping me from eating so much

never did i ever think i would get through a friday and saturday night without binging.

im seeing the dietition on Thursday so im going to try and make it until then without ruining it. that will be 6 days which will be huge for me and the longest in 6 years.

il keep you posted

That's FANTASTIC!!!!!! Well done.

Feel really shitty today. not binged or been sick since Thursday evening and it is killing me.

i know i am doing well, but i feel so shitty and down and cant be bothered to do anything.

spent all afternoon yesterday in bed cos i had no evergy to do anything. i know im starting to feel a bit depressed

im at work at the moment and cant handle being here. cant concentrate on anything and got no energy to do anything. i feel like im constantly on the verge of starting a binge and it is the worst feeling ever

im considering asking the doctor to sign me off work for a few weeks until the Prozac starts working properly and i start feeling better. do you think that would help me?

my ds is at nursery on Mons and tues so if i wasn't at work there would be so much stuff i could do to better take my mind off feeling this way. work is making me feel worse

what does anyone think?

Hi Juicychops,
Sorry things are so bad. I totally sympathise with the 'being on the verge of a binge feeling' - it's horrid.

You've not binged since Thursday though - that's really fantastic. Your body will feel strange though - a mixture of not having binged for a while and the prozac kicking in - you can feel really quite odd while your body adjusts.

Re the signing off work thing - do you reckon it might actually give you more time on your hands to think about binging? I only say that as I was always worse with binging on quiet days (too much time to think..and eat!).

If you think work is making you feel worse though, and you can take the time off, maybe try a few days and see if it helps.

Hope this helps - you're doing so well

Gerbra x

thanks Gerbra for your reply. i was thinking about that, if id have too much time to think if i wasn't at work, but i think i think about food more at work than i do at home because i find my job quite boring. i just sit at a desk and find myself wanting to eat all day through boredom.

if i was off work and ds is at nursery i can just go for drives and do studying or swimming, stuff i cant normally do when ive got ds with me.

i just want this phase to be over. at the moment it feels like i am going to be this way about food forever. i dont know what to do with myself. my head is everywhere and i keep getting headache. im so tired and cant be bothered to do anything at all. keep thinking of all the things i would like to eat but cant

You're without your crutch, Juicychops, and you're doing a sterling job! I expect that a lot of things that you hadn't dare consider to think about are bubbling to the surface. You are in the process of ending a really crap relationship.

If you have a nice gp, can you let off steam to them? Your hv (if you still have one) may be helpful. I do remember all the reeling and spinning and the need to eat and throw up.

These days, I still have a lunatic father, and the situation with my parents is in many ways far worse than it ever was. That's them, and why should I self-destruct on their behalf? My life had no boundaries, but it is so much better now that I have a clearer (I hope!) idea of what is me and what is not me.

Keep posting and do try those food diaries, however awful it may seem at the time.

thanks BlaDeBla. me and dp got back together after a few days and have worked through our problems and he's taken all the debt he had piled on me away now and into his own name so we are ok now. i dont think i could do this without him either. he has been far better than i thought he would be.

i have been doing a food diary for nearly 2 weeks now and looking at the days of my binges are quite horrifying but ive tried to be honest with what ive eaten to remind me how crap i felt when i ate what i ate

my gp is nice enough although i dont think i could talk to him comfortably about all my problems. a lot of problems from my past have been coming to the surface lately too but i think that wont go away until i start councelling.

as i have private health cover through work i should be about to get a private appointment in the next few weeks to see a psychiatrist to get my councelling and eating sprted by a professional instead of waiting another god knows how many months on NHS

hi everyone just thought id check in with my progress.

today is day 8 of not binging or being sick. it is really realyl hard and almost ruined it yesterday but managed to hold it together.

saw the dietition yesterday. she said im doing really well. i showed her my food diary so she could see what im eating. she said i need to add a bit more starchy food to my diet as im not eating enough but other than that what im eating is ok for now as i have no appetite most of the time from the Prozac.

got an appointment to see a specialist in 2 weeks privately through my health cover at work and the doc has signed me off work until 9th June as i cant seem to cope there at the moment.

hope everyone is ok

WELL DONE!! I think that seeing a dietician is a good thing to do. As I've said already, it was something that I have found very helpful, especially in the longer term. At the time, it was good to know what my body actually needed, and although my diet was limited, at least I knew what to eat. These days, I eat pretty much anything although I still don't like other people buttering my toast, which is totally irrational, but does not really affect day-to-day life much!

thanks BlaDeBla. yeah, im finding it really useful too knowing what my body needs more of and its reasuring that what i am eating is ok and also that although im not being sick, im not putting weight on either... at the moment!!

today is the first day i feel like i have energy and im not feeling all slugish like i have been the last week. maybe its my body getting used to my new eating habits, or it might be because i had a proper dinner for the first time in ages with potatoes and meat

last night craved chocolate like crazy and my dp said why dont i treat myself to a small bag of malteasers, which i considered. but i know that if i had eaten a small bag, it might of triggered off a binge and i may not have been able to control myself.

been buying the expensive nice fruit salads from Marks and Spencers to treat myself to replace the binging in the evenings. although it is expensive, its still probably cheaper than all the food i was buying daily before.

today is day 9...

Hi Juicychops - well done you

I think what BladeBla said about the dietician is spot on...I actually refused the option of seeing one when I was having counselling and I kick myself for that as it probably would have helped me get better more quickly.

In my view, to get food advice from someone in terms of what's good for you, what your body needs etc. is brilliant. You'll eventually start seeing food in a totally different way - ie. fuel, tasty, not wrong!!

Good luck with it all, keep us posted on how you're getting on...

If you ever feel like you'll never beat it, just remember you WILL. I never imagined I'd beat my ED demons, but I did and you can too !

Gerbra x

hiya everyone thought id just check in

gone back to binging and being sick the last 5 days and it just seems impossible to get back out of it again. its getting me down

saw the psychiatrist on Monday which was good. he's recommended i double the dose of Prozac and i will need about 16 weekly sessions of cognitive therapy with a psychologist. should have my first appointment in the next week.

he also listened to my life 'story'and picked out the bits which he thinks are the root causes of my eating disorder so they are the things i will have to work on. 2 of them were obvious, but one of them i didn't realise had effected me that badly until e talked about it

looking forward to starting the weekly sessions. ive been off work for 3 weeks now which has been really nice. im due back on Monday which i am dreading.

i want to ask to be signed off for longer but i dont know if i dont want to go to work because i physically and mentally dont think i can handle it at the moment, or because i just dont want to go.

also lost a bit of weight where when im not binging, i feel too scared to eat properly in case i put on weight.
feel like ive gone quite far backwards which is disappointing

Hi thought id check in again and say hi as im not really doing so well at the moment. Im not having many good days lately im just finding it so hard to make it through day one again.

The longest i went was 9 days in a row but by the end of it i was missing normal food so so much that i just kind of gave up cos i missed binging too much which is just crazy!

im now on 40mg of Prozac which i can feel is doing something in the mornings because i wake up really happy and positive. but by about 2pm i am on such a come down and just want to sleep or binge and it is like every activity is a huge effort

i hate feeling this way. ive got to see my GP this week as its been 3 weeks since ive been on the double dose of Prozac and he will decide weather i should go up to 60mg. i dont know weather that would help me more or make my come down even worse

i have got my first cognitive therapy on Thursday morning which i am looking forward to. im hoping that will be the turning point to help me get through some days

i also bought a book on binge eating off ebay which should be here in the next day or so. im hoping that will help a bit too.

my dp thinks im not doing enough to help myself, which in some respects im not as i am giving into the verge to binge a lot easier than i was a few weeks ago.

i just need some reassurance that i will get through this and wont always feel this way. i feel like such a freak at the moment. when im eating a meal people say 'gosh, i dont know where you put it!' it makes me feel like suck a fake.

i want to be able to feel comfortable with my body and not petrified of putting on weight like i am now