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When following a Mumsnet thread that tells you to text your dh telling him that you love him, make sure you do send it to him and noth another Mumsnetter by mistake!
If you are going to have an affair with the receptionist at work and decide to leave her a torrid, X-rated voicemail, please make sure you know how to operate the voicemail system first. Otherwise you will press the wrong button and send the message to everyone in the company, and they will notice - and laugh - a LOT.
When planning a soak in the bath and evening of pampering, do not tell all male colleagues who invite you to the pub that you are 'going home to be nice to yourself'.
At an underground train station, do not agree to escort a foreign, blind passenger onto a train, chat in a friendly way to make him feel welcome to this country, panic when the train stops at a station en route to his destination that you are now outside the zone you have paid for and will get a fine (this was 20 years ago), hastily jump off train without saying goodbye, then stand on platform watching train speed off realising that a. you have not handed blind person onto another pasenger who can tell him when he has reached his destination station, and b. realising that in fact your ticket did allow you to go that far after all.
Do not then bang head on wall of station.
Still haunts me...although I expect he survived the experience.
Oh, yes, and adding a final one (because once was flummery) don't assume that your first ever coldsore is a weird kind of spot and exfoliate it, repeatedly, because it will spread over your entire philtrum and people will stare at you because you do look as though you have leprosy. Despite your DH reassuring you this is not the case, the photographs from your lovely holiday will prove him to be a lovely, and well meaning, liar.
Do not open door to postman when you're still getting the hang of breastfeeding and spending 23 hours out of 24 doing it. The reason he's staring at you in horror is because the top four buttons of your nightie are undone and you've tucked the flap under your breast for convenience sake.
Do not keep reading your book while walking down the stairs to go to the loo because you will fall down and you will leak. Do not do exactly the same thing a week later because you will fall down and this time you will break your big toe.
Do not ask a waiter in Paris for jus de pomme de terre because he will laugh at you.
Do not try to impress a boy you fancy with your fabulous taste in music by suggesting you listen to The Smiths, because it will already be playing.
on behalf of my very lovely late grandad; do not return from exciting trip abroad to visit daughter, get chatting with friend in swimming pool changing rooms about said trip, get distracted from the task in hand and and join the early bird OAP hour in nothing but your swim hat and goggles.
Do not - when going to visit a friend in hospital, arrive by train early + decide to go in a nearby coffee shop before visiting hour, only to fumble around with change for coffee, holding a gorgeous bouquet of flowers for her already purchased, drop coffee + end up with soaking wet flowers + completely sodden trousers + top I had on, (light coloured clothes of course)!!
I then had to find the nearest clothes shop, (not easy as I don't know the area), buy the first clothes I could find that fitted, buy another bouquet of flowers + dash back to the hospital before visiting time ended, extremely hot + flustered!
Nice to see my friend but turned out to be rather an expensive trip!!
If you are looking for a handy place to store bath cleaner, don't use an empty bubble bath bottle (clearly labelled BUBBLE BATH), and if you do, don't leave the 'bubble bath' bottle on the side of the bath. Because, if you do, your teenage daughter will empty a whole bunch of the 'bubble bath' into her bath about half an hour before leaving for a swanky trip up to London. About an hour after leaving the house she will come up in huge red welts all over her body and arms. As she is wearing a sleeveless black outfit she will have to cover up with an M and S beige anorak. Instead of looking cool and sophisticated, she will look like a trainspotter with leprosy. Thanks Mum. Bitter, Moi?
Do not store used sanitary towels in your bag, unwrapped and with lots of glue left on them. You may find that they stick to the magazine you pull out of your bag to read on a crowded train.
And another (same friend!):
Do not wear a panty liner with French knickers to a wedding. It will drop out on the steps of the church, to be trodden underfoot by the unsuspecting priest.
Do not pack your dirty undies in your boots when coming home from holiday, then forget that said boots contain said undies when taking boots to be reheeled.
If a male teacher sends an 8 year old to you with a message about a problem in the ICT suite, do not tell the child to ask if the teacher needs you to go down & sort it out before lunch. The 8 year old will trot back to the classroom & say "Mrs R asked if you want her to go down....."
Especially not if it's the same teacher I mentioned in my previous post on this thread (Sun 27-Apr-08 15:50:17)
OK OBM here it is. The reason for shouting thosewords.
The scene - a serious off site meeting to discuss marketing strategy.
In the room - the directors of Marketing, Product Development, Finance and HR...
A person was being discussed.
Said person was described as being, "Isn't he a little bit anal don't you know? Always checking every last dot is on every last 'i'. Bit of a pain if you ask me."
To which I said, "But I like....." Followed immediately by, "Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that!!!"
I will leave the reactions of my colleagues to your imagination.
Oh the shame.... It was years ago and I still feel the mortification.
Do not, when rushing to a doctor's appointment, jump out of the car and run in front of a Transit van.
Do not then, when Transit van screeches to a halt and driver waves you across the road, try to sleekly combine pressing the button of the remote key with a bashful wave at the kind man. You will gaily throw the key into the air with a flourish and have to sheepishly retrieve it from the road infront of the bewildered river and scuttle, blushing, into the surgery.
Two days after that while getting out of my work car in a hurry I somehow managed to throw my mobile phone across the carpark at another car ... if it was yours, I'm really sorry ... it was a tiny scratch and I'm sure it will buff out
If attacked by a horrid diarhhea bug when abroad, and in emergency poo situation - do NOT lose key to apartment.
When key is finally found - too late! - DO NOT RUN TO LOO!
The extra weight will cause your pants to hang somewhere around your knees, like a big poo slingshot, swinging from side to side like a scattergun and covering 2 of the 4 walls with poo WITH EVERY STRIDE YOU TAKE.
OR, if you do inadvertently do this, do not turn, having reached the loo door, to see that your concerned (but now aghast) friends have come back to check that you are okay, and you forgot to shut the front door.
DO NOT see something on your shoe that looks like dogshit and proceed to stick your finger in it, bring said finger close to nose and declare: "It is dog shit!"
Also not me... do not go for a crap whilst on exercise in the snow wearing an all in one padded suit with hood, and then flip said hood back over your head without checking to see if it is empty <bleugh>
Do not attempt to take the wrong baby home with you from the creche, especially when said child is a pink-clad girl and you are the mother of a blue wearing boy
And I thought everyone was interested in what I was saying as I was not aware of my incredible flashing cleavage!!!! Aaargh... I can feel a blush creep up my face even now... The embarrassment was even worse than the time I announced, "But I like anal!" at an pompous important off-site meeting. And I certainly didn't mean it in the way it came out... Oh God, I'm going to have to go and stick my head in a bucket of cold water...
don't inadvertently draw on your own shirt (in the most prominent place) when you have to stand up in front of 50 people and talk to them fro 15 minutes.
don't stand trying to get in using the new swipe card system when you are repeatedly trying it with the card back to front - especially when a bunch of your colleagues are waiting behind you to get in.
Breast feeding mums be warned.... do not ever take advantage of the enhanced norkage bestowed upon you and use your cleavage as a convenient place to store your posh new mobile whilst you have a pee.
You will forget it is there.
Someone will then call you when you are attending a very serious meeting about failures in corporate governance procedures...
And even if your phone is on silent and you manage to stifle the urge to leap up and scrabble around in your bra that has suddenly started vibrating youwillbecaughtout.
The person that called you will call you back repeatedly and the screen of your mobile will have been flashing and shining out through your rather lovely Episode blouse throughout the meeting and EVERYONE will have seen it.
When the door knocks (5 mins after DH goes to work) open the door in a towel and say in a sultry voice, "I knew you couldn't stay away for long gorgeous!" because it will of course be your 60 something postman who blushes furiously while you try to laugh it off Also while this scenario is going on donot take your eyes of your feisty 9 week old kitten because she will at that point jump kamikaze style from the stairs and land claws in towel (that one is wearing) and proceed to pull it to the floor!!!!!
result - One Mner with a very face (this is not angry btw but the blushing cheeks does not do justice) and one postman almost keeling over in my doorway and running away from me without getting a signature for a parcel he delivered....
Do not go to a fancy dress party dressed as Robin (as in Batman and Robin) and dance all night energetically. Afterwards in a drunken state, do not get undressed for bed as quickly as possible. Do not then return costume to fancy dress hire shop next morning without checking it first. The shop assistant will ceremoniously unfurl canary yellow tights complete with the unwelcome addition of your sweaty, smelly g-string and say in a superior voice "I believe these are yours madam" Do not expect DH to comply when you beg him not to tell anyone because he will, for the rest of his life!
Do not...... when at work and have a modern apprentice listening into your calls say to a supervisor (who's called your extention) sorry "I have a hot new modern apprentice plugged into me, he's only 18 I wont be a minute" and not expect his face not to go scarlet!
Do not wear white trousers to buy beetroot at farmers market - get mud all over them, spill beetroot juice on them afterwards, put in bath to soak, decide bleach needed, spill bleach on cotton jumper and joggers, then discover white trousers still ruined by beetroot! In fact probably wiser to buy beetroot from Tesco in jar.
Do not return from dropping DD off at nursery, in an extemely tired state leave the buggy on the doorstep. You will spend half an hour searching the house for it mystified when you want to collect her, and resignedly leave the house empty-handed to find it soaking wet due to torrential downpours all day, and the fact that you don't have a porch.
....courtesy of DH yesterday
Am amazed it was still there tbh- we live in the middle of a city.
Do not click on an email saying 'you have received an egreetings card' and then impatiently click 'yes' on the dear, kind antivirus software that asks if you're sure you want to open this nasty-looking email. Because if you do you will get a very evil virus on your computer and weep bitterly as you admit your mistake on MN using your second-in-command laptop.
Do not go to a DIY shop with a list your DH has written because you will not understand anything on it and come back with a lamp shade instead! Tar dar!!!!!
Serendipity you had me in tears and can't stop giggling - are you ok now ?
"Don't get some freinds together for a casual evening, drink waaay too much and then decide to make a hot water bottle.
If you do, Do not fill bottle with boiling water and then drop the stopper on the floor.
If you do this, do not then bend down to pick up the stopper and forget you are holding water bottle in your other hand. Becasue you will then pour the boiling contents of your hot water bottle all over your own head resulting in serious blisters on your scalp and neck.
If you do all of this then Seek Medical Attention. DO NOT swagger nonchalently back into your sitting room feeling utterly stupid and deciding not to admit to anyone what happened because, remember you have been covered in a hot water and are likely to be soaking wet and steaming...people WILL notice and, once a cold pack has been applied, they WILL laugh "
"Do not under any circumstances leave new gorgeous boyfriend in your sitting room (on first meeting) near open door with clear view of open plan stairs then proceed to throw yourself down the said stairs after catching your heal on second step down...over and over to the bottom where you land upside down on your shoulders with one arm stuck behind and under you, skirt around your hips with your untoned legsn the air and completely stuck between the bottom step and a chest of drawers on the bottom landing...he had to literally pick me up because I could not move! I was the colour of London buses and sooo embarrassed. Then of course had to say that I was perfectly fine. Change clothes because I wrecked what I was wearing and go out to dinner!"
Don't walk to the gargae to buy a paper and then buy a token to wash your car in the new car wash. Don't make your friends try to push start your very heavy classic car four times when you have actually just run out of petrol...
Do not think you can exit a train pushchair-first. It will result in the front wheels getting stuck in the gap between the train and platform, and you will go into shock thinking your poor dd has been mortally wounded. Of course she will be fine, but you will never want to take her on a train again.
Especially do not do this just after the driver has reminded everyone to 'mind the gap'
Do not, on meeting American boyfriend’s uncle for the first time, merrily chirp, “oh, that’s nice, you must really like animals, then”, when he tells you that he is a vet.
Try to resist crawling under nearest stone when it turns out that he was actually in freaking Vietnam……
never ever boil an egg and when you find it not completely cooked, put it in the mircowave for 10 secs, and then when you take the spoon to 'pop' the yolk, it will go bang and you get boiling hot yolk hitting you in the eyes and face... ouuuchhh!! It really did hurt too.
Do not carefully pierce the top of a tube of superglue with the pointy bit on the cap, making sure none gets on your fingers, screw back on, then remove cap with your teeth. The glue on the pointy bit will mean that you will stick your tongue to the back of your teeth. After a short panic you will (somewhat painfully) manage to detach your tongue, leaving bits of it, and glue, on the back of your teeth. You will then remember you have a dentist's appointment the next day, and no amount of brushing will help!
Do not - on your sister's wedding day - when trying to open a window decide that the best way to unstick it is to kick the glass bit with your bare foot.... it will break.... (my wedding day - sis as chief bridesmaid!)
Do not allow your DS to pretend to drive the car when parked away from home - he will break the indicator stalk so that it is stuck on left, resulting in horribly expensive garage bill after driving home with everybody honking to point out your cr*ppy indictaing skills!
And do not when a teenager and drunk for the first time lean over bucket to puke before taking off your slightly loose glasses...they WILL fall off just before you puke red wine all over them - and then smell for AGES! [smelly face emoticon]
Do not ignore your 3 year old in the shop when he tells you he needs a wee, do not tell him several times, ' ok, we are going now' and eventually walk out intending to go to the toilet only to get a phone call from the person you are supposed to be meeting up with and stop kerbside to answer the call. Don't do any of this because your now desperate 3 year old will drop his trousers and pants and proceed to pee in the street. You will then wonder why everyone is looking at you(well him)and smiling and when you look down, you will be mortified! you will also have to go back into the shop you just left to go and buy some dry clothes for son. T'was me and mine
Do not do an illegal manouvere(sp?) and overtake on the left when there is a police cctv van right behind you You will be pulled over, spoken to harshly and asked to produce your licence, insurance and mot certificate at your local police station
Do not assume that your slovenly mother has washed the lettuce in your cheese sandwich. Do not go on to assume that the brown thing you can see in said sandwich is Branston Pickle.
Do brush your teeth nonstop for a year as you try to rid your mouth of crushed slug.
ooh and dont run at glass patio doors EVER! Even if you know they are wide open, walk up very slowly and use your hands to gently feel if they are closed or not. ALWAYS!
Do not whilst drunk at a pool party, clad only in a bikini, lean down to pick up your handbag from the floor. There is a candle in a metal bucket on the wall next to you and you will stick the skin on your side to the searing hot metal. Being very drunk do not act all brave and decide the best way to feel better is to get in the VERY HOT jaccuzzi, with a bottle of champagne, and then pass out in a tent in the garden. The nurses and docs in casualty will use you as a free training aid for a few hours and what feels like hundreds of people will come and gawp at your poor sore body.
Other side effects will include a) not being able to lie down comfortably for 3 weeks, and b)smell like a barbeque gone wrong for at least the same amount of time.
Do not when a teenager(long ago), run out of ' popsox' to wear with your very high stiletto's and so put on a pair of tights to wear under your jeans(perish the thought now). Put on the same jeans the following day with different shoes, only to find when you go to the loo some considerable time later, a lump inside the thigh of one leg of your jeans. It had been there a long time and must've been seen by loads of people.
Do not allow a fellow Nursing student ( Male ) to give you a firemans lift to the hospital, because you have dislocated your knee in an embarrassing drunken dancing incident at the pub, only to have him hoist you over his shoulder... all the way over his shoulder so you actually go over the top and land on the floor, breaking your wrist. then have to explain the whole incident to the Sister in charge of A&E who is also you current placement mentor....
From my lovely friend;
DO not allow fellow nursing student ( male - yes same one! ) offer to help you all climb over the cemetery wall in a short cut to get back to the nursing accommodation. He will deliberately kindly advise you to come down into his arms the other side of the wall the wrong way round... you will then get stuck half way and land with first your Fanjo in his face ( skirted why oh why did we not see his plan?? ) then as you slide down further, end up with his face totally wedged between your cleavage, as your shrug gets stuck on the branches above
do not decide to leave your flat with the door open as you cannot find keys and front door of building locks anyway without thinking how you will get back through front door once you get back as you will have to press every buzzer and beg ppl who dont know you to open front door so you can get back in
do not then later find electronic keys in bottom of half full cup of voddy and orange as it will cost you £30 to get new electronic key fob and you will be locked out of building everyday for a week while waiting for a new one
i was sober when i did this but v hungover from night before
When you are a teenager do not decide that the best way to treat a zit between your bosoms is to put the mouth of the TCP bottle over it and swiftly upend said bottle, when naked. Liquid fire will run down and burn your fanjo and you will stink of TCP all day at school despite showering.
Also do not attempt to treat facial spots by using an exfoliating cream plus an exfoliating mitt designed for elbows. You will look like a burns victim for a week.
DO NOT: Go shopping for many hours only to come outside in a blizzard and see that the only car in the lot is yours and you left the lights on. *also about 10pm*
Proceed to open passenger door, put bags down and purse, lean over and turn on car (just making sure it starts since lights were on). When it starts *sigh of relief*, hit the lock out of habit and slam the door shut.
This leaves you standing outside in a blizzard with no coat, no phone, and no money next to a locked running car. When you finally chase down a man on a cell phone and get someone to open your door you will then be out of gas.
Do not take jeans and knickers off at the same time to save time.
Then get up late the following morning, get dressed hurredly to do the school run, pull on last nights jeans, get to school, run over the playground with yesterdays pants gaily flapping out of the leg of your jeans.
Do not jump in a swimming pool late for a post natal aquarobics class and forget to take your breastpads out, then have to remove the sopping pads and sheepishly hand them to the life guard to throw away
Do not dive into a swimming pool with your eyes open 'to see what will happen'. What happens is that your vision goes blurry for about 3 months, and you give yourself a two week headache.
Don't get some freinds together for a casual evening, drink waaay too much and then decide to make a hot water bottle.
If you do, Do not fill bottle with boiling water and then drop the stopper on the floor.
If you do this, do not then bend down to pick up the stopper and forgetyouareholdingwaterbottleinyourotherhand. Becasue you will then pour the boiling contents of your hot water bottle all over your own head resulting in serious blisters on your scalp and neck.
If you do all of this then Seek Medical Attention. DO NOT swagger nonchalently back into your sitting room feeling utterly stupid and deciding not to admit to anyone what happened because, remember you have been covered in a hot water and are likely to be soaking wet and steaming...people WILL notice and, once a cold pack has been applied, they WILL laugh
Run out of school after a quiz night when it's pouring with rain and dark with dss following quickly behind, and try and get them into the car which your DH has kindly bought round to the front. Dcs will tell you the reason the doors are locked and you can't get in, is because its not dad in the car or dads car at all and you are showing them up and tell you to stop tapping on the window.
When you look in the car, you can see the man thinks you are are a total loon.
Obviously dh is still round the back waiting in an identical car with the doors unlocked and you get in drenched.
To understand fully you need to be aware that we have a poor relationship with our SENCO for various reasons, though now improving.
DS2 came to me last week, muttering whilst I was revising. Didn't really listen but heard that he wanted a CD with the instrumental from Joseph on, knew he was doing end of year musical so made him one. Whilst browsing through napster, saw that song 'I hate everythinga bout you',,,, and secretly popped that on the end as I knew ds2 would PHSL.
2 days later DS2 asks for another copy.
Why? whwre's the one I made up?
that wasn't for me
Who then?
X (Senco)
whaaaaaat...
and she wants to know why you put that song on the end
Do not, when walking in Seville, become so distracted by the lovely hanging baskets and colonial architecture that you forget to look where you're going. You will walk full pelt into a groin-level bollard and spend the rest of your holiday with a black-and-blue fanjo and a very red face.
Oh Eejit - my friend from college (who could fill this thread with her antics) used to vault post boxes. (she's v tall and v v leggy). She tried it one evening after we'd been out on teh town but she was in a short tight skirt and she got over 3/4 of the way up and then went SPLAT, bent double over the top and landed on the other side on her head. None of us could help her cos we were pissing ourselves.
One from my Dad... Do not, while on holiday in the deepest middle of nowhere try and show off to your children by driving through a fairly deep stream in your ancient ford fiesta. It looked quite cool until...
Do not then turn the engine off on the other side only to find you have completely flooded the engine and cannot restart the car...
Do not make your wife and kids walk to a farmhouse 3 miles away to phone the AA who take a further 4 hours to find you and your car, cannot fix it there and have to tow you to a garage even further away from your holiday cottage!
All this on the HOTTEST day in August, many years ago!
DO NOT : try on bras in M&S changing room and get little bra hanger thingy hooked in your coat belt, then walk out changing room and down Oxford Street with said (stolen ) bra hanger and bra saying 32DD waving in the breeze behind you
Do; make sure you have handed back all unwanted bras after trying them on
Do not go to the pub on the day your daughter is due home from a weeks ski trip because you thought it was tomorrow! Do not then let your DD have to ask the teacher to take her to the phone box to call you, with only one 10p piece so has the shame of your daughter working out to phone you at said pub, wit the teacher listening to you screaming to each other"oh f***, quick quick we have to leave now!"
Do not get so used to the pause that preceeds a cold caller that when next time you answer the phone and there is a short pause you shout, “Just fuck off and leave us alone will you”. Because it will be your Grandmother
Do not let your sleepwalking husband stay in anyone else’s house without ensuring he does not go to bed naked – my parents/my friends/strangers in hotels etc. have all seen him in the nuddy.
Do not forget to open the door before you start walking through it. This will inevitably end in a black eye that really was caused by “walking into a door”. Despite all your protestations you will get pitying looks for weeks whilst protesting, “No. I really, really did walk into a door, really.”
DO NOT at 15 and trying to show off with a group of friends (one of whom is the boy you are trying to impress) decide to vault a bollard in the high street. You have a) forgotten you are wearing a very short skirt, and b) underestimated the height of the bollard. You will end up doing a sort of handstand waving your bum in the air as your skirt has hooked itself over the bollard as you jumped, and you are now stuck. (aforementioned boy is ROFL and he never did ask you out!)
Take time out from your busy day with Good Earth – a range of organic premium teas which taste delicious and are blended to perfection to ensure you get a relaxing break. Flavours include Sweet Citrus White Tea, Cool Mint Herbal Tea, Jasmine Blossom Green Tea and Harvest Berries Red Tea. Click here for more information.
what did she say in return?! 
... if it was yours, I'm really sorry ... it was a tiny scratch and I'm sure it will buff out 
face (this is not angry btw but the blushing cheeks does not do justice) and one postman almost keeling over in my doorway and running away from me without getting a signature for a parcel he delivered.... 
