This should be in relationships but I thought you might understand more. My mum just said that I was a tool to my son ASD (3) and could be replaced and went on to say that he has a special relationship with his uncle that isnt on an autistic level.I had to leave the room before I went mad. She is always saying poisonous things like that. She told me that me getting his MMR caused his autism which I know for a fact that it didn't because Ds displayed all the symptoms form way before he had his MMR (not that I don't think it is a problem for some children). When my ds tripped over and hit his head on his walker and was bleeding and I was rushing to take him to hospital she was saying how it was my fault that he hurt himself. I tired of her poisonous mouth and wish that I could cut her out my life.

since when did she train as a developmental paediatric psychiatrist?
She sounds really unpleasant. Has she always been lke this?

Yes pretty much. She has always been emotionally unstable, very insecure always needing reassurance even now she wants me to tell her what a great grandma she is and if I try to tell her anything Im "criticizing her" and she just blows up.

If you sat down and told it straight, how 'blow up' would she go? My mum didn't speak to me for 8 months once over a chance remark but I lived.
It might be well to clear the air, put up with the fall out etc if it makes things better for you.
Mind you, I tried it with MIL after years of her telling me ds1 didn't have autism, I was just a bad parent and even if he did it would be my fault. Then her telling me to get dd2 adopted and have a proper baby (dd2 has cerebral palsy) and insisting on calling her 'handicapped' and saying she'd rather be dead than be like dd2, in dd's hearing. Water off a ducks back.

staryeyed

You would not put up with this unfeeling crap from a friend so why should your Mother be any different?. You can never fully clear the air with such people as they cannot be properly reasoned with.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Hmmm, I have one of these

I took Attila's advice READ that book

Horrible hurtful remarks, poor you

I wish I could clear the air riven but she is so unreasonable. She holds a grudge for life- she is still bringing up stuff I did as a teenager Im 27 now. Trying to clear the air just leads to more hurtful stuff being said. Like when I said to her that I didnt think that the MMR did cause Ds autism and that she was being very hurtful and she said its not genetic and how she was thinking of "my family" (not including me or my Ds) in case one of my brother eventually has children. She always wants to be right and goes out of her way to prove a point and kept going on about it not being genetic and must be the MMR. In the end I said I didnt care what caused Ds autism I would rather concentrate on what we could do to help him and she was shamed into leaving it alone.

She is such hard work and she just wont leave anything alone. She will keep saying the same thing over and over. I just ignore her most the time and Im really looking forward to moving out soon(yes I live with her) She is not all bad she looks after my Ds while I work part time, which I am grateful for but to be honest I really dont want her around him to much.

riven & staryeyed

what is it with these horrible old gits? I've got one of those in the family as well - MIL tells everyone that DS1's 'issues' are because of bad parenting and that if only I read him more books and didn't let him watch so much TV he would speak

I don't see her anymore, I have no contact and she hasn't seen DSs since September. Life is better that way, everyone happier.

such awful things to say, you must feel upset

there isn't much that you can do about people like that except to try to avoid them. I think.

How hurtful and fucking offensive.

Yep we also have one, a MIL who called ds1 a freak thining I was in anothrer room

really and honestly have found in our case that cutting ties was hugely beneficial- sad, but there you go. The door is open if she can make the effort to change, if not hey ho.

she aslo told Dh when he had just amde a suicide attempt (several years ago, much better now thanks be) thatshe had it worse than hima nd he had no right

I would suggest you do get that book, andkeep at the back of your mind that you CAn live without her, if you need to.

My friend had a toxic mum like this and eventually she had to just cut her out of her life, as she clearly had some kind of mental problem/depressive illness to be talking to her own daughter like this. But it's hard if your mum is helping out. Can you do as my friend did and just bring a shutter down in your head when she says her poison, and keep thinking - "she is sick, I do not have to take this on board, it is not true?"

Thats kind of what I do ancient> I am quite cut off emotionally from her and dont really expect anything- that way Im not disappointed. I completely don't accept anything she says as true because its just not and she uses her opinion as fact.

Ma and my Ds do have a relationship. No its not conventional but He is happy to see me when I come home form work and is sad when I leave for work. We have little jokes and games that we share together and and on the whole I think we have good relationship and a real one! But it doesn't stop it hurting that my own mum says such horrible things.

Staryeyed,

Your Mum is toxic. As you have seen clearing the air (which would work if such people were at all reasonable but toxic parents are clearly not) can make things worse.

If at all possible I'd find another person to look after your son particularly when you move out (hopefully asap). Your Mother could end up indoctrinating him with her toxic behaviours.

Someone who calls his Mum a "tool" and could be replaced does not deserve in any way to look after any child frankly.

Would read the "Toxic Parents" book mentioned as a starting point. Would also suggest you read the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on the Relationships pages of this website. That is now on part 3 so you can see how long it is (would not suggest you read all of it and the other two parts as it will take an age. However, you will get support on it if you were to post there). There are plenty of women out there with toxic mothers/parents/grandparents.

Such people rarely if ever change hence the changing titles because they don't honestly think they've done anything wrong in the first place.

I'm going to get Toxic Parents too. I'm going to be 40 this year and my mum still makes me feel like crap.

I'd be tempted to say "well, why don't you have a go at teaching him all about being a crass, insensitive person, as you're clearly an expert on that" .

I think GPS find autism very hard to understand partly because they would rather avoid the whole issue of disability but also because when they were young, SN children were hidden away in institutions or cared for semi secretively at home. They grew up thinking disability from birth is rare and that almost everyone is normal. I don't know if your mum would get it but genetic doesn't have to mean familial genetic, it could just be a spontaneous mutation that happens for the first time in your generation. Many ASD researchers believe that autism can be either familial or spontaneous which would account for it being a fairly common and very varied condition.

Thanks for all your support. WE are moving quite soon so will be easier to cope with. I wish we could get childcare but I don't think we could afford it. Rent etc is so expensive we can only just afford to move out. I have been on that thread attila but I did name change.