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My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.
Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.
I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.
I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.
I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.
I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?
Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?
I'm so so sorry - what an awful thing to have to go through. My thoughts will be with you.
Talk to your local Funeral Directors - they will have had experience of this and will give advice. Never been in your position but sorting funeral for my father they were amazingly helpful and supportive.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby when she was 3 weeks old. It is a dreadful time for you. My advice is to contact the local funeral director who will be compassionate with your situation and will be able to advise on coffins and the next step to take. We had our baby cremated and her ashes are buried in the baby garden of the crematorium. Any other questions you have I will try to answer for you. It is such a distressing time, just take one step at a time.
here A friend's child died a few days after his birth and I suggested a memorial card to be given to friends and family, maybe at the funeral or just afterwards- something to keep and remember him by. I designed it for them and drew the little soft toy that they'd got for him - they wrote the words which gave his dates and name and a few words about his very short life and how much he meant to them.
Good luck during this horribly sad and difficult time for you. Our son was stillborn at 42 weeks 3 years ago. We chose a natural burial site in Hampshire, where we buried our baby and planted a cherry tree over his grave. There was just me, my partned and our older child present, but they do have a room you can use for family/friends, you can have a wake there, or whatever you want to do really. It is a beautiful site, very peaceful, and for us this seemed the most 'positive' way to deal with such an awful thing to have to do. There is an organisation called the Natural Death Centrewhich has advice, and a list of natural burial sites can be found here Best wishes.
I'm so sorry for you and i have no experience, but i do know that when my dad died we went to the nearest funeral directors( it was a local firm in the nearest small town) and they sorted most things out - i have no idea if they were good because nothing to compare with(we just wanted to sort it) - they gave us the number of the humanist man because he wasn't religious and the service happened at the crematorium and then we held a wake at a hotel function room.
I don't think there's any right or wrong in this situation and I hope you have lots of support - talking is the only help imho
my dp arranged my grandsons funeral, we used a local one who was so wonderful and helpful,they sorted out such a lot as we had never had to do anything like this before.im so sorry x
feedmenow So sorry for your loss. No advice I'm afraid, just couldn't ignore your post when I 'recognised' you from the hut. Can the hospital put you in touch with any support groups who might be able to help with practical things like the funeral/memorial as well as your own grief? I am thinking of you xxxx
So very sorry, fmn. I really don't know what I can say that might be of any use at the moment, but a dear friend died at the end of last year and she had a woodland burial in a wicker coffin. It somehow made the whole thing more 'natural' if you know what I mean and it was comforting knowing that she was going back to the earth. I have no idea if this would be something you would be able to consider... I think maybe when you've spoken to a few more people that have experienced this, you might find an option you feel is 'right'.
feedmenow, I am very sorry for your loss. I helped my dsis with funeral arrangements for her baby. it really is incredibly difficult thing to do, and I wish you strength. there is no hurry at all, and you should not feel pressured to arrange a funeral until you are ready. you could think about having a small, private burial or cremation, perhaps just with a small group, if you would prefer that. a funeral director will be able to help you. do you go to church? your local vicar would be a good person to talk to, if that would help. ime it really helps to have something personal. do you have any photographs? have you asked for a lock of hair? sending love HC xx
I am so sorry feedmenow. Is there someone at somewhere like SANDS that could offer guidance? Perhaps they have forums or people who have been through this heartbreak as well? Am thinking out loud. I hope you find the right thing for your family.
when my brother died ( he was 10) he was cremated and I didn't go to the funeral - consequently there was never a grave or place to visit which was very sad for me - I think that would have helped. As feedmenow says there is little if nothing remaining after a babe is cremated so no=thing to keep/scatter...somehow a grave is more tangible - wicker coffin is a lovely idea - maybe filled with nice things like blanket, flowers,toy,a letter from you,photograph...
Feedmenow, very very sorry to hear your story. I have experience, unfortunately, James passed away at 4 1/2 months.
We used co-operative funeral, in fact, it was the hospice who organised most for us. I have to say that I am very glad that I found the courage to place James in his tiny coffin myself. I felt right, I looked after from the day i found out I was pregnant and I looked after him till the end.
Make sure you do what you want from your heart, everything, from your heart for your beautiful little girl.
We also cremated James, althought they did warn us that there might not be any but in fact we did have quite a bit left. Make sure you choose everything for her from your heart. Love & hugs x
feedmenow, I am so sorry. Is there anyone who can recommend a funeral director to you? We had specific recommendations for a fd with experience of dealing with children's funerals, however I am sure they are all as good. If you cannot face it, can anyone phone a local church office for you to get some feedback or phone a couple of funeral directors for you to get a feel for them.
You will find people are so helpful and kind in this situation.
Choosing your child's coffin is one of the most surreal and painful decisions. I too could not bear to see my daughter in a coffin and the funeral director kindly rigged up a bed in the chapel of rest when we visited as they did not have a cot. However it did help to see the coffin separatley before the funeral - somehow this made it less of a shock.
I agree with vio, whatever you do, do what feels right for you and your daughter, not anyone else. There really is also no rush at all, the time must be right for you.
You may find it helpful to write a letter to your daughter which you or someone else could read out at the funeral if you wish. I'm sure you have lots to say about your precious girl. Take care and be kind to yourself.
So very very sorry. . There is a book called "We need to talk about the funeral" which has lots of beautiful and non-traditional ideas on how to organise a funeral. My thoghts are with you. x
Feedmenow - I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to say I'm so so sorry for you loss My heart is just breaking for you. Lots of love to you and your family and to your precious Eris.
Oh feedmenow how terribly tragic. Poor you and your family and little Eris too. What a lovely name you gave her.
Are you doing all the arrangements yourself, or do you have someone to help you? You may find it overwhelming to do it all alone, or you may need to.
The hospital where Eris was born may have some information, perhaps a friend could call them for you? I say a friend because I can't imagine you'd want to hear the maternity ward in the background on the phone.
Yellow pages will list your nearest children's hospice. I'm certain they would be able to help, they would have a lot of experience with children's funerals and I can't imagine they wouldn't be helpful.
I must admit, much of it is a blur, but I think the hospital contacted the funeral directors for me. I went and had a meeting with them about what I wanted. I gave them some things to put in the coffin, a crucifix, a toy rabbit and a little wooden initial thing for his name that my sister had bought for him and his twin (who survived).
I hope to God you don't have a similar experience but the director made a couple of really inappropriate comments which I put down to his unease at the situation.
I was advised not to decide on an inscription for the headstone for several months. And, yes, it is amazingly difficult to know what to say.
The day may pass in a blur and it is extremely surreal. I hope you get the support you need. I can tell you that some days will be impossible but these become less frequent in time although (in my case) sometimes worse.
so very sorry you are going throught this FMN. Maybe ask someone at the hospital as sadly they will have dealt this these sort of decisions before and may be able to recommend someone.
Oh feedmenow...I am so so sorry to hear your news. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, and hope that you can find some comfort at this horrible time. I think that the most important thing is not to rush. Make sure you do what you feel is right. Big hugs.
feedmenow, my thoughts are with you and your family. I am so desperately sorry to hear the news about your daughter Eris. If there is anything I can do, please get in touch. I'm sorry, words cannot express what I want to say to you.
Oh my love. My heart goes out to you at this hard time for you and your family. Eris is a beautiful name for a beautiful angel. I hope you find peace soon.
Hi just wanted to add my deepest sympathies to you and your family at this most awful time.
There is some good advice on here so far, much better than i could ever give, please take some time to go through it and take from it what you will.
I can not imagine the pain and suffering you must be going through right now and although i am sure no words of mine would give you comfort, i'd just like to say;
lean on people when they offer support, take from people when they offer help and speak to people when they ask how you are.
Oh feedmenow, I am so so sorry for you and your family at the loss of Eris. Unfortunately I have no practical advice and can think of nothing to say to make you feel better, but I will be thinking of you over the coming days, weeks and months. Take care xx
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how terrible you must feel.
I lost a baby much earlier on in a pregnancy (19 weeks) and the hospital organised the funeral for us. They liaised with the funeral directors, who liaised with the cemetary (my baby is buried with my mother). We asked the hospital chaplain to conduct the funeral.
feedmenow, no advice but I couldn't pass by without saying I'm so sorry for you, your family and your beautiful angel Eris . I hope you can find the strength in each other to pull through this terrible time {{{hugs}}}
Oh feedmenow I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I hope you are all managing to get through this somehow, some way, do take care.
Feed Me, I have been a March lurker for a long time, but couldn't go past your post.
I know its not top of mind at the moment, but I really recommend that you try have some support around not just now, but at the one month, two month (and so on) anniversaries- these can be incredibly lonely times.
Feedmenow, I'm so sorry Eris died. If she was born in hospital I am surprised the staff did not give you some guidance and support on arranging a funeral - or direct you to SANDS. They publish a practical and sensitively compiled booklet called "Saying Goodbye to Your Baby", and people at their helpline will be able to assist you. For example, they will have suggestions for Bible and secular readings, for prayers and blessings. Following a campaign by SANDS, in many parts of the country an undertakers will not charge for a simple funeral for a baby, and most crematoria waive their charges too. Some cemeteries have a special area dedicated to memorials and graves for children, and there is a National SANDS Garden of Remembrance in the National Arboretum at Alrewas in Staffordshire. You can sponsor a tree there if you wish. Our son was stillborn before 24 weeks so we did not have to register his birth or death. At his funeral we had the reading from St Mark's Gospel about the little children coming to Jesus, and the woman who would have been his godmother sang a lullaby. We also had a poem by Elizabeth Jennings. We had help from friends who had a similar experience some years before - we could NOT have done this alone. You could do with some help in RL - a Hospital Chaplain, a Bereavement Midwife, a local priest or someone from SANDS. We chose cremation for Thomas and knew there would be no ashes. To remember him we have a crab-apple tree in the garden, and one of the piccolo pipes on a great English cathedral organ is dedicated in his memory. I really wish there was someone with you to help you organise Eris' funeral. I hope SANDS can put you in touch with a local branch Befriender. XXX
Hi feedmenow, words can't express how sorry I am to hear of your loss . I don't know about funeral arrangements but my cousin lost a baby who was still born at 8mths. She had photos of her ds taken, took hand and footprints and hair lock. She has kept them and has said they have been a comfort for her through the years.(it was a long time ago now.) Thinking of you at this terrible time and wishing you the strength to cope xxxxx {{{{hug}}}}
Feedmenow, I'm so sorry to hear that Eris has died. What a beautiful name for your daughter. I can't help, but I'm really thinking of you, and your family.
feedmenow, i just want to offer my most sincere condolences to you and your family. I am so sorry that your precious daughter did not make it. the hospital should certainly be able to help you with this. i am sorry for the loss of your daughter ,Eris, it must be so hard to take in what has happened, i hope you get lots of real life support. definitely look at SANDS.
thinking of you and will say a prayer for Eris and for you
just wanted to send my love and thoughts. Unfortunatly I am a bereaved mum as well. Please be kind to yourself - don't put on the 'brave face' - I did that and it truly does not work in the long term. Scream and cry, talk about your true feelings. There will always be someone on mumsnet who will be able to listen and help.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful daughter Eris. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I am not sure if this of help but when we lost our daughter at 18 weeks we did have some ashes (in fact they are upstairs in my bedroom at the moment). It all depends on the crematorium and how they run their furnace apparently. Our local one shuts down overnight, so they cremate the babies at the end of the day when it is a bit cooler. Hence we were able to have her ashes. Sorry if this has upset you but it is something that I know can be very important to know. Even my bereavement midwife didn't know this.
We are going to get a bird bath for the garden for our duaghter. I didn't want a plant in case we moved/it died. I thought it would be nice to see the birds playing in Hope's birdbath and felt it would be of some comfart to me.
Oh Darling what a awful thing, to happen, my heart goes out to you all.
When this happened to me, with first my son then my daughter, the hospital, contacted everybody needed, (it was all a blur, I must admit). They were born at different hospital, in different counties, ten years apart, but the funeral dirctors, arranged for them to be together.
Feedmenow I'm so sorry to hear your news. I haven't read all of the posts so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what others have said. My father is a funeral director (family business started by my greatgrandfather) and now my husband works for him. You have probably already made arrangements by now, but if you would like to talk to them please do let me know. I am sure they would help you. When they have to do a funeral for a baby, which thankfully isn't very often, there are a number of things they do to make it as bearable as possible for the family. Fot instance they don't have to use the hearse, the coffin (which you can choose) can go in the car with you if you'd prefer, on a little stand that they put in. There should be ashes for you to take if you decide on a cremation, so please don't worry about that. There are other things I could say, but I suspect nothing that will really make any difference. Please do let me know if you'd like to speak to either of them, their number is 01489 885525 and we are in Hampshire. Sending love to you and your family, Kate xxx
Feedmenow - am thinking of you, Eris and the rest of your family. I have no experience of funerals like this or arrangements but my friend planted a beautiful tree in memory of her daughter who died and it flowers/ blossoms at this time every year.
Thank you all for your lovely messages. It really does mean something to have such support.
We have progressed a little since last week in that we have appointed our local funeral director. As someone mentioned, they do not charge. We have decided definitely on cremation. The crematorium we are going to does not charge for their early baby/children slot but apparently more than one baby could be cremated in one go. So we are paying a reduced fee to have a private service.
At the moment we still have no idea when the funeral will be because Eris has gone to St georges for pm. I a plan to go and see her at the funeral directors once she is back there because I cannot bare the thought of not seeing her again.
My dp and I went out today to a lovely baby & children's clothes shop and have bought a special dress and bonnet and shawl for her. I know that she does not care how she looks but I feel the need to be doing something special for her.
Cece, it is good to know that you were able to take home Hope's ashes. Apparently it is quite likely we will have something to bring home too, as the crematorium is one of the older ones. My nearly 9yo dd asked me last night what we'll do with the ashes and I told her that we would keep them in my wardrobe with my Nan's ashes until we decide! Looks like I'm starting a new collection.....
Anyway, thank you all again for the kind words and advice and support.
But wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and the pain you are going through. I am sure that you will be able to arrange a lovely funeral that Eris deserves and pray that that you find strenghth and support to get through such a terrible time.
I think that the whole of the march 08 board have you and your family in their thoughts at the moment.
I have seen in the past some lovely ideas put forward by mners about how to commemorate a child and am sure that someone who is able to relate to your situation more than myself will be able to provide help for you.
feedmenow, i know that nothing i say can make it hurt any less but i am pleased you have felt supported here at least. I can't even offer any advice, just tell you that you are in my thoughts at the moment and in the coming weeks as well.
fmenow - Haven't been able to get you out of my thoughts today. Just wanted to add to the thread that you can have whatever kind of funeral you want - ask the funeral directors and they will be able to help you. My DS3's funeral (and please dont think I am going mad) was a proud, touching day for me.
Everybody dressed in bright colours (at our request) we had happy assembly songs - all Matt's favourites and people told funny stories about him. Of course, it was a heartbreaking day but it was a perfect thanksgiving for his short life.
I so agree about you taking special clothes for your precious baby. I hope I haven't offended you by my thoughts on this post - I just want to help you
feedmenow what a lovely idea getting her something special. I am sure it will help to see Eris again although i know this can be a personal decision. Have you got something special to put in with her maybe a toy or something. Also having a special song for the funeral may help and also give you some comfort afterwards. My heart goes out to you and your partner and dc's and i wish you the strength to get through the difficult times ahead.
I am glad you are able to have the service you want, I understand the wanting to buy something special just for her,
When we cremated ds (much earlier loss than Eris but still very difficult for me) we decided to put a picture of me and dp in the coffin with him, I wanted him to know who his mummy and daddy where, even if it was for a very short time,
we also added a private poem and some coloured ribbons (two pink and one blue) to represent all of our losses, for me it was like saying goodbye to them all together,
the other thing I was advised was that when picking flowers for the coffin to only pick small ones as the coffin is only tiny itself, we just had a small bunch of rosemary (for remembrance) with three tiny forget-me-nots intertwined and tied at the bottom,
we decided on no music, no readings and no other people in attendance, the crem were lovely and shook our hand on arrival, refered to us as 'his parents' and gave us all the time we needed to say goodbye in private,
we chose to have ds blessed at the hospital by the chaplin and we have a small card with the date and time of the blessing which I have kept in my box of memories,
the actual day itself was very sad but in a way it helped so much to be able to pay our respects, have a 'proper' goodbye and have somewhere to go when we feel sad,
the days running up to the cremation were much worse that the actual day itself (iyswim) I found alot of peace in saying my final fare well,
I hope this helps you a little and if you need anything please just ask,
feedmenow, how devastating for you. {{{hugs}}} and all my sympathy as I can't offer anything else. I hope you find something appropriate to commemorate her with. all my love xxx
I'm so sorry. I remember another thread like this a couple of years ago and the mother there chose to read her baby a bedtime story at the funeral. She read "Guess how much I love you" (which is a beautiful story). She felt this would be her chance to read a story to her beautiful baby.
You should put as many special details into your darling daughters day as you want. I know from experience that there is so little you can do in the years to come that is comforting to know that you had a lovely goodbye
We played a couple of childrens hymns and wrote a eulogy built around things we did and places we went when we were expecting our son
I got the hymns put on tape so I could play them in the months to come.. I found it comforting ..
I hope you are being kind to yourself and that you have lots of support
Feedme - my darling I send you love and hugs and a special prayer for Eris - may god be kind to you now and protect and guide you, and may eris be safe watching over her darling mummy. xx
I am so sorry for your loss. When my neice was stillborn at 40 weeks, we all put a little something in the coffin with her. Photos, letters, tiny teddys. She was buried and I still occasionally visit her, my in laws go a few times a year too. Its a comfort for them, her own mum can't bare it. She found it hard for people to talk to her, people didn't know what to say, a lot brushed it away and didn't acknowledge her. She would be 12 now, and my dd, who is 9, knows her name, knows what happened and has been to her grave. She is part of the family still. I agree with others that a place or a "thing" is needed to mark her life.
i'm so sorry for your loss.we almost lost our ds2 at birth and i can only begin to imagine the heartache you are going through.
make sure you give yourself the time to decide what type of funeral is right for you and give yourself time and space to grieve for her.
it might be hard but have you taken any photos of her? im sorry but i havent read through all of the posts.i only say this as you might find it hard to do but if you haven't you might regret it after the funeral.
please make sure you ask for help from a trained councellor/family and friends to see you through this dreadful time. there is no shame in needing help, even with the little things like helping around the house. it's too easy to pretend to the outside that you are coping when inside you're broken apart.
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and your little girl.
I'm finding it quite difficult to talk about in RL. I finally saw my closest friends on Friday night and wasn't able to talk about Eris until I'd had a fair few drinks. I can talk to dp and dd but other than that I seem to have a bit of a block on. So it is nice to come here and see people offering their love and comfort and have a chance to shed a few tears.
Strange as well, that one of the friends I saw on Friday stayed over and told me the next morning that she'd heard me crying in the night. I wasn't awake so must have been crying in my sleep. And last night I woke at some point with my face all wet, so must have been crying again.
For some reason, today has been a bad day. From the moment I woke up I had a horrible feeling of emptiness, and of not knowing what to do with myself. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there until everything had gone away. I can't believe my little baby girl is gone and is never coming back. My body is still making milk, still trying to feed a tiny baby. It just seems so cruel.
no advice but so so sory for you loss x 
