That birth isn't a textbook with nice clearly defined stages as the antenatal classes suggest.

That pethidine is not the devil drug you assumed it to be and doesn't always mean sleepy baby and feeding problems..

That epidurals don't always work even when they try twice

That syntocin without an epidural is something not to be recommended

That some midwives are lovely and want to work with you.

That opting for a private room with your first one can be quite a lonely experience.

That you will wonder why you obsessed so much over how you were going to get the baby out only to realise when the baby was out, you hadn't read the next chapters in the book in how to actually look after a baby.

That BF can hurt even when it's done right but will pass in a few weeks.

That with your first baby you will be desperate to leave the hospital but with your second you will begging them to let you stay another night.

That the maternity wards remind you of Shaun of the Dead.

That you should buy black nightie/pjs so no leakage is on display to the rest of the visitors on the ward.

That a packet of chocolate hobnobs will seem like a gift from the gods when you find them 6 hours after giving birth.

That you may find yourself crying in mothercare 5 days after the birth because you want to be the lady with the baby in her tummy still and not one with a baby on the outside.

That you will feel normal again one day

That you get to have someone in your life that will make you happier than you have ever been (but sometimes you may only realise this when they are in bed, sleeping).

That everyone's experiences are different, you should keep an open mind and make the most of the time pre-baby 1 to lie around and please only you...

Cant believe some of you had MWs cleaning you afterwards. I was told to get up and have a shower half an hour after birth. Stood up and created a canal of blood on the floor which was cleaned up by Mam whilst she was holding baby!! Also was left in bed with bloody sheets whilst visitors were arriving after having DS2 and DS3.

Wish I had known that ex dp would tell the whole world I pushed out a poo after ds2. Didnt care at the time but did not appreciate him telling his brother and sister in law IN FRONT OF ME that I had sh*t myself!

Wish I hadnt asked my dad to bring me some food in, he arrived with a family sized pork pie( muppet)

I first looked mumsnet last July (a few days after birth) cos I thought I had a prolapse cos it felt like my womb was falling out. I convinced myself that it meant I'd never have sex again. I was OK sitting but if I stood or walked for more than ten mins. Thinking about it, having to have about an hour or mores surgery after to stich me up, this wasn't that much of a surprise. But no one said. All the 13 year old student nurse said on my discharge was "Have you thought about contraception?" Like I was going to go home and start bonking!!!! I guess I should have asked more but I was a bit shell shocked. THe aftercare in hospital was awful. I had to fight to get my bloody sheets changed and then to get discharged. No one came near me for two days. There was a very, very young mum on the ward and she got lots of attention. I guess they just saw an old boot like me and decided I could get on with it. Once home, I was so detirmined to get going I was at a - albeit local - music festival the following week end. I ended up misreable and nearly in tears cos A) the aforementioned symtoms and b) I couldn't bear it if anyone came within a yard of the LO. Things got better on their own but why didn't anyone warn me how I'd feel? No one said to just chill for a couple of weeks. I thought I had to get on with things. I was back at work in no time. I wish I'd just slowed up a bit but I was trying to get BACK TO NORMAL...ha! I think a book of short anecdotes from various people would be great. But I think MN is doing that, in a way. I have no friends or relies that have had kids - my preg at 41 was out of the blue. Reading mn was like, I suppose, when women talked over the garden wall.

i think if someone does write a book (which i think is a great idea but probably won't be done by me) we should leave some of the things out that would scare the sh*t out of people who haven't had children. was this thread a good idea?

Ive been spouting elsewhere/ everywhere about the cons[iracy around childbirth and thinking someone needs to write a book / do something about this conspiracy like Choufleur.

Reading your comments Im not sure if I hadnt had a child Id want to know. How do we help our sisters?

My issues are

No-one told me I could experience chronic pain from a tear that would stop me having sex through anything but gritted teeth

That the medical profession is ill-equipped / blase about helping with post-childbirth problems

That women dont talk about these problems

That having had one labour can set u up badly for the next if you think its going to go pretty much the same.

That childbrith is an experience in assertiveness - never mind breathing, argue with doctors / midwives to do what is healthy.

Sad that this is my first post on mn...because I wish I'd been told that the birth (with loads of gas and air) was ok but that I'd need morphine, pethadine and prunes to do the first post natal poo!

Sorry!

All the books say you need 2 nighties, you actually need one to give birth in, one to bleed all over that night and a third clean one for the next day, otherwise you are left with the t-shirt you arrived in which is really hard to bf in

I had NOOOOOOOOOOOO idea just how awful it would be for 6 weeks or so after giving birth. No one prepares you for how down and physically drained you feel and no one really gives a f*ck about you once the baby arrives. Your visitors will still expect you to make them cups of tea/coffee and will say "See - you can't be house proud now you have a baby" when you have WASTED your precious time tidying up before they came round even though you had absolutely no time to do it.

My SIL did tell me not to worry if I didnt bond with LO straight away - I mean, how long does it take to get to know a stranger to the point where they are a friend? And even then, you aren't expected to let a stranger latch on to your boobs and suck til your nipples split and bleed!!!

No one prepared me for just how awful it is to be forced to stay in hospital (even though you know it is for the good of your baby) with a room full of other women and screaming newborns when all you want to do is try to bond with your LO and the fact that they will open the curtain round your bed day and night due to "health and safety".

No one told me how completely alone you will be with your newborn and how heartbreaking it is when they tell your OH/birth partner they have to go home and leave you all on your own with your baby. They dont tell you ANYTHING in the hospital - you just have to ask ask ask.

Also, I told all my visitors "I am NEVER doing that again" at the time cos it was so awful...

That time really does heal and you get over it all once your little baby becomes a bit more "readable" and gives you the first big gummy grin. Amazing.

I totally agree that it is probably better just to go through with it all totally ignorant to all the horrors because everyones experience is different and you might sail through it like my bezzy mate!

One of the girls on my ward came in, popped the baby out in 2 hrs with only a "graze" and got to go home the next day. I was a sobbing wreck, sitting on ice packs (that I had to request every time and wait for hours to get) and even though I asked that my sheets were changed before visiting time cos they were covered in blood, the visitors arrived and I had to use my bath towel to cover the blood bath on the bed so my visitors wouldnt see it. Nice.

ALSO, the auxilliary nurse physically tried to drag me out of my bed to swap it for a normal bed even though my epidural had not worn off and I couldnt walk!!! She was talking and pointing to other auxilliaries until the MW on duty (who was an absolute star and let us close the curtains when we were feeding/sleeping) came over and told me to stay in bed until I could stand and NOT to try to get up without her helping me. Secs later the fekkin b!tch aux nurse was back over trying to get me out of the bed and I was telling her I couldnt feel my legs yet when MW appeared over and told her to leave me alone. NOT what you need after a traumatic birth...

Oh, and no one told me how unbelievable painful everything would be afterwards. Or how badly bruised you can get down there.

Take all the painkillers they offer you during the birth and after!!! Especially the wee brown tabs!!!! Thats my advice anyway

Ach well, I was really bitter about it and I think I still am now I have posted this!!!

No one told me I would get piles! No one told me that gas and air and pethidine don't stop the pain, just stop you caring about it. I didn't get a bed bath, I got marched to the shower where I tried to wash but got blood everywhere and felt really faint.

I really wish that someone had told me that your fanjo swells up when you have stitches, I was petrified that I had prolapsed

I was also pretty shocked that I had to walk to the ward pushing baby - last time I had been in was for a d&c and then I got pushed to theatre even though I was physically alright

Wow Zazen, v. for you now.
I don't know if you've tried it for yourself but cranial-sacral osteopathy (no cracking involved) might help with some of the pain. And also with removing some of the lingering tissue shock.
Some might think it is a bit hokey but I found it extremely good for DS1 and also refer a lot of my clients for it when the massage doesn't seem to "hold", and they have had benefits from it too.