Product reviews

I have changed my mind about this book. I got myself into a right state believing everything the author said, and came to feel completely hopeless about how to get my child to put his shoes on when he had no natural incentive to do so and I could not. Since I have tried a couple of things he would disagree with we are all much happier as a family as boundaries and expecatations and consequences are clearer. I do put reasoning and unconditional love first but I don't think that all the things that he claims are bad will communicate to your child that you don't love them unconditionally.

Very unusual book in that it doesn't focus on "how to get your child to behave/do something they don't want to do but you want them to do" rather more it helps you to put yourself in your child's shoes, understand their point of view, in fact understand others' points of view generally. it is an all-round useful book on being a compassionate and humane person.

If you have ever thought, when considering star charts etc, "would I really give a stuff about getting a star for doing that" and worried that that kind of carrot and stick approach doesn't teach your child to value doing something for its own sake, then this is the book for you.

really thought-provoking book, that has really helped me to take a closer, yet more realistic view of my children and how we are together

can't recommend it highly enough

As an example of what this book recommends, here are some of his practical tips...

* Keep your eye on your long-term goals (ie, what sort of relationship you want with your child over the course of your lives)

* Talk less, ask more

* keep their ages in mind

* attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts (brilliant: we can all remember punishments/tellings off when someone just thought the worst of us, rather than the harmless real reason something happened, and the sense of injustice still rankles...)

* don't be in a hurry

This book is a very interesting read and a complete alternative to the punishment and reward type books that are very popular theses days. As he other reviews have said it is difficult to put in to practice and I have found myself having to re-read the later chapters, but well worth a read if you've had it with the naughty step and reward charts!

I would have to agree with the previous review. It's a very interesting book, and I was really moved as I read - the points are well made, explained and argued. He says that if you use any rewards, bribery, coersion or praise then all will be lost for your child. For example, if you praise they will only act well to receive praise - if praise is not available they will revert to type and act selfishly. I can't buy that. Surely praise is good for building self confidence.

The points about communication and explaining yourself, even to your very young child are very useful. It also gave me an insight into how to make sure my kids know they are loved unconditionally and trying to make sure they know that (as he points out you assume they know, but that is often not the message they receive).

This is a radical book for parenting children of all ages. I liked it and agree with lots of it (as did psychotherapist friends of mine) but some of it is kind of hard to practise as a parent! He suggests that all kinds of punishments and rewards give your child the message that he or she is only loved IF they do as you ask, and that love-withdrawal techniques such as being sent to their room are particularly damaging. I have found that avoiding punishments and rewards works very well for us and staying focused on communication with my kids is very important. Of course we do need to have boundaries and stop bad behaviour and he gives suggestions for this. I can't believe that not praising your kids (as he suggests) is healthy, however, so we still say 'Well done' all the time!